Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be consulted by people planning to visit?

91 replies

Dragonfly909 · 13/06/2021 10:54

We received a message from a family member last Monday saying they had made a plan to come to our house that weekend with other family members and we could do them a bbq. They all live hours away so would need to stay over, one at our house and others would stay with my partner's mum, who lives nearby.

We had less than a week's notice of this plan and were not included in making it, we were just told what they had decided to do. Also presumably expected to sort out food for the bbq etc.

In fact we had made plans for the weekend and had to tell them we couldn't host them so it didn't happen.

We would have liked to see them as obviously we haven't seen people much recently. But we have a young baby so a bit more notice and also being consulted would have been nice! Also interesting that they expected us to be available.

Are we being unreasonable to expect this or are they?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 13/06/2021 13:44

@MaybeCrazy2

If it’s friends it’s rude, if it’s family then not really.
Rubbish-it’s rude no matter who does it.
LoudestCat14 · 13/06/2021 13:46

@WorraLiberty

I can't believe you've asked if you're being unreasonable.
I can't believe someone has voted that OP is being U on the poll! WHY?????
stackemhigh · 13/06/2021 13:47

YANBU Shock

Do they host you equally or always expect you to host them at a drop of a hat?

BBQs aren’t cheap!

NoSquirrels · 13/06/2021 13:47

Wow. Of course you’re not unreasonable!

Reasonable guest behaviour from family:

We were wondering if you’re free next weekend? We’d love to come down and see you - we could stay at X [where X is a hotel etc] and get together for a meal one afternoon or evening. With the baby, would it be easier to do a meal at your house (we’d bring the food!) or book a restaurant? Let us know - don’t worry if you’re not free, it’s short notice I know.”

fashionablefennel · 13/06/2021 13:53

*Reasonable guest behaviour from family:

We were wondering if you’re free next weekend? We’d love to come down and see you - we could stay at X [where X is a hotel etc] and get together for a meal one afternoon or evening. With the baby, would it be easier to do a meal at your house (we’d bring the food!) or book a restaurant? Let us know - don’t worry if you’re not free, it’s short notice I know.”*

Only on MN Hmm

It's absolutely normal to stay with friends or family, for some people it's even offensive to prefer a hotel.

The issue here is not ASKING.

Padamae · 13/06/2021 13:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gilly12345 · 13/06/2021 13:59

Very rude of them to tell you that you are hosting a BBQ for them and also that they are staying over, glad that you already had plans, it is always nice to see family/friends but fortunately for me my family and friends wait to be invited. 😀😀😀😀

osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/06/2021 14:02

@NoSquirrels

Wow. Of course you’re not unreasonable!

Reasonable guest behaviour from family:

We were wondering if you’re free next weekend? We’d love to come down and see you - we could stay at X [where X is a hotel etc] and get together for a meal one afternoon or evening. With the baby, would it be easier to do a meal at your house (we’d bring the food!) or book a restaurant? Let us know - don’t worry if you’re not free, it’s short notice I know.”

On MN where everyone's minted.

It is, however, never reasonable to announce another person is hosting (and providing everything).

Chikapu · 13/06/2021 14:04

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

My family do this. Then they threaten me with social services if I say we won't be here.
On what grounds? Social services would not be interested in you saying you're going out. I hope you don't fall for this.
Coffeepot72 · 13/06/2021 14:05

I have a relative who has form for this. DH backed down last time and agreed to the request for three nights of hotel/restaurant services, we had a major row about it, but there’s no way on earth they will ever be doing it again

TillyTopper · 13/06/2021 14:06

I find this incredibly rude and YANBU to say no, I also feel sorry for you OP because we've had similar. BIL and family used to just turn up unannounced (we live 3 hours away from family so wouldn't be expecting them without at least a call). The first time they'd did it we were all away in London (went to see a play and had stayed overnight). Our NDN said they waited 2 hours on our front lawn (they didn't msg us). The next time me and DH had gone walking on a Sunday afternoon and DS were at their friends. The final time we were decorating the ground floor of the house - they came in but obviously all the sofas were covered in plastic, we'd had a wall replastered (we'd taken 2 weeks off work to get it all done) so it was a mess. Amazingly BIL said "Huh you always seem to be doing something!" We have repeatedly said do come, but let's arrange a date first but apparently he and his family prefer to "surprise people".

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 14:09

If they threaten with social services I would reply that the word for an unwanted visitor is a stalker and if they don't stop harassing you you will report them to the police

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 14:10

Turning up without telling you isn't a visit it's an ambush

TedMullins · 13/06/2021 14:12

I don’t think a week’s notice is unreasonable. But demanding a bbq and deciding they’re staying without asking definitely is! I put YABU only because I don’t think them saying ‘we’ll be down your way this weekend if you want us to drop in’ is BU, but I prefer spontaneity to planning months in advance. YADNBU to say no though. If people ask these things they have to be fully prepared to be told no

godmum56 · 13/06/2021 14:14

@Chicchicchicchiclana

How long is it since you've seen them? Have they ever met your baby? Are they grandparents?

When people live a long distance away they don't really have a choice but to stay overnight. Of course they could stay in a hotel or B&B - but some people can't afford this.

I think those questions are all relevant.

When our children were younger we would have to invite ourselves (all 4 of us) to stay over for a couple of nights when we went to visit pil as we couldn't drive there and back in a day.

Since there's very little info in the op it's impossible to tell if this is cheeky or just loving relatives wanting to see op and family.

nope not relevant. Inviting one's self is rude whoever they are.
KeepingTrack · 13/06/2021 14:17

YABU because it very much sounds like you would have accepted them turning up like this if you hadn’t had plans already!,

You need to work on boundaries @Dragonfly909.
It’s never Ok for people to invite themsleves like this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/06/2021 14:20

@osbertthesyrianhamster - you are right - not everyone can afford a hotel, but if you can’t, then you say “we’d love to come and see you - could we come and stay, and if so, when would be convenient” - you don’t just tell your friends or family that you are arriving and they are catering a BBQ that you’ve invited guests to.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/06/2021 14:32

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@osbertthesyrianhamster - you are right - not everyone can afford a hotel, but if you can’t, then you say “we’d love to come and see you - could we come and stay, and if so, when would be convenient” - you don’t just tell your friends or family that you are arriving and they are catering a BBQ that you’ve invited guests to.[/quote]
Exactly, hence why I said it's rude to invite yourself without asking. But on MN everyone is supposed to stay in hotels to visit.

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 14:33

Not sure why you went along with this. If someone called me up to say ‘I’m coming to stay at yours next week and you can cook me food’, I’d tell them to fuck off.

Cherrysoup · 13/06/2021 14:34

My parents had form for this, they’d tell me they were coming and get arsey when I said it wasn’t convenient. One time, they told me they were coming and my DH was on night shift, as was my db who lived nearby. When I said no, my dad actually put the phone down on me! They were retired so could come anytime.

Egeegogxmv · 13/06/2021 14:36

In their minds you are still a child and your house is just a wendy house, they can come in whenever they like

tellmetellmepleasetellme · 13/06/2021 14:38

Interested to hear what they said after you told them you had other plans. If they took it well I would probably just roll my eyes and be a bit wary in the future. If they were pushy or gave you a hard time then you have every right to be angry.

HeronLanyon · 13/06/2021 14:41

Unreasonable of your family to -

  1. Not involve you in a plan.
  2. Assume you will put someone up overnight without consultation
  3. Assume you will provide a bbq without consultation

Those three would be unreasonable even if they gave you several months notice.

  1. Give you very little notice.
This last just compounds the others.

What on earth are they thinking?

EverythingRuined · 13/06/2021 14:50

Are we being unreasonable to expect this or are they?

Haha, if you are genuinely unsure if you are being unreasonable then it’s not surprising that your visitors have taken a punt on you putting them up. 😂😂😂😂
Did you honestly think there would be anyone who disagrees with you ?

If you just wanted a moan then fair enough

Livelovebehappy · 13/06/2021 15:28

I guess if the family member planned to bring over people who you wouldn’t normally see due to distance etc, I wouldn’t mind them suggesting bringing them over to see us, even with just a weeks notice. But definitely wouldn’t be happy for a suggestion for us to set up a bbq for them. Maybe a drink and some snacks.

Swipe left for the next trending thread