Accused of Single Mum shaming.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut20]

WARNING - reading this may cause an itchy head.

A few days ago I was around a friends(A) house for a little gathering. A has a daughter who is 11.

My friend commented to the group (about 5 or 6 of us) on how her daughter has suddenly scratching her head, and she thinks it's linked to stress, that her and her husband have split.

Another friend (B) mentioned could it be nits? A laughed, and said her daughters a little to old for nits, and it's definitely stress from the split.

The afternoon carries on and the 3 kids are playing nicely together. My DD, A daughter and Bs Daughter.

Before we are ready to leave I notice A daughter is really scratching viciously at her head, almost like she's chasing an itch. I told A her daughter can do some damage to her scalp or hair follicles if she keeps doing that, how long has it been going on, is she using anything to calm the irritation or itching.

A, once again states it started when her marriage ended (6/7 weeks ago) and its just stress the daughters exhibiting now she's a single mum and the dad isn't around.

(I would like to point out, the dad left because the mum had an affair and the AP has moved into the house. Access is unfortunately being dealt with through solicitors/courts)

Today I found a few walkers in DD hair, it's no big deal. I'm not blaming on anyone. It happens.

Tried ringing A to let her know I what I had found, so she could check her daughters hair as well.

I called B told her I had found some walkers in DDs hair, she will want to check her daughters hair, or I can do it of she would like.

A, finally called me back, I told her what I had found, and she might want to check her daughters her as a precaution or I could if it makes her squeamish.

Well she completely blew up at me, saying

• how dare I blame her daughter for passing headlice around (I never ),

-her daughter doesn't have nits for the 100th time it's an itch she has due to stress

• apparently I'm trying to shame her because she's a single mum and I wouldn't understand her predicament because I'm not single.

• She knows her daughter better than me so my opinion is irrelevant

• Do I think I'd be able to check her daughters hair better because I'm a hairdresser, or is that me just yet again trying to single mum Shame her.

Then she hung up. I'm honestly confused as to what the hell has just happened.

Mumsnet, please tell me WIBU?

Firstly, she's not a single mum she's a divorced parent.
Definitely sounds like she's insecure and embarrassed so turned the tables on you.

It's not you. And she's not single if the AP has moved in.

Her daughter clearly has nits and I'd be so disgusted in her for not checking her daughter and leaving her in that situation.

She's on the defensive cos she knows she has been a dick.

Grotesque behaviour from this woman. She seems almost proud to parade that her daughter is 'stressed' due to her mother's infidelity and the shocking upheaval of having her father leave the home and a strange man moved in. You'd think she'd less keen to broadcast her parenting deficiencies.

She's not a single parent if she has a live in partner. YANBU anyway.

All you were doing was telling her your daughter had nits in case she has passed them on to her daughter. How weird.

But offering to check for her was a little patronising

YANBU. Wow, someone's sensitive (and yet oddly proud) because they couldn't have their cake and eat it!

May I suggest you take advantage of the 'block' option?

Yanbu and she's not a single parent if AP lives there.
She almost seems proud of the fact her actions caused her DDs 'stress'

This would really annoy me, if she was a close friend I'd say look I place £20 on it being nits.

If I can't find a live louse in your kids wet conditioned hair after a five minute comb you can keep the 20.

I'd keep it as a light hearted joke first off and then ask why she hasn't made a gp appointment if she is scratching so hard.

Your friend is a twat but what were you thinking letting your kid in spitting distance of a kid who is constantly scratching their head?

Hopefully the court (but probably not) will take a dim view of her neglect, poor kid.

No-one is 'too old' for nits, apart from bald men, she sounds nuts

She will find out soon enough - usually the whole household end up with them. You would be better off notifying the form tutor if they are in the same class at school - she may take more kindly to the nit letter going to everybody. Woe betide them if the hair is long or scratching causes infection - as you know yourself, nipping them in the bud is when it is easiest.

My daughter had far more problems with head lice at secondary school than primary school and l reported it every time to no effect as obviously a lot of other people thought like your friend. I feel very sorry for your friend's daughter as she must be I'm a great deal of discomfort. Anyway YADNBU and it is obvious where your child caught head lice.

'A' doesn't seem capable of feeling shame. But she bloody well should. It's like she thinks nits are worse than cheating on your husband, moving your skank of a new man in with your child, and not allowing the child to see her own father (which I take it is what's happening if access is going through solicitors).
Block her - why would you want to associate with someone who is morally bankrupt?

OP - when I was newly single (ex had walked out for his affair partner), I can't tell you how deeply ashamed I was (which was misplaced, I had nothing to be ashamed of!) and how worried I was about other people's judgements. I was also, inexplicably really, terrified that Social Services would turn up on the doorstep and remove my children to give them to my ex who had everything I didn't - secure roof over his head, a partner, plenty of money. So something like headlice would have tipped me over the edge! And I think it would have felt like some kind of reflection on me as a single parent who's husband had found a better model to replace me.

She's in a sensitive place right now. I would just make it clear to her that you are her friend without judgement and are there is she needs you. However, what I wouldn't do is ignore it as an outburst or allow her to walk all over you. It's tough, but that isn't carte blanche to treat others like shit. You meant well, she took it the wrong way. Not your problem.

She's not in a sensitive place. She's exactly where she put herself! Her child OTOH is in a sensitive place. And the husband is too, but not this woman.

Has she been a total dick in the past too?
The only thing I wouldn’t like (if I were either of your friends) was the offer to come and check my child’s hair, which is really patronising. But that’s small potatoes compared to your nutnut friend!

Too old for nits??? Really?! I first had nits at 37 from my darling sons!

How is she a single parent?
She has been terribly irresponsible to not check properly for nits - my ds was still getting them at 16. they just seemed to be resistant to everything we threw at them.

Just deal with your child's nits.

Im a single parent so i get her defensiveness as others can be quicker to blame / judge single parents.

Fuck me i had my 1st nits at 50!!

@AgentJohnson

Your friend is a twat but what were you thinking letting your kid in spitting distance of a kid who is constantly scratching their head?

Hopefully the court (but probably not) will take a dim view of her neglect, poor kid.

Because at first A claimed her daughter was itching through stress.

People have itchy scalps sometimes, doesn't automatically mean nits. I've seen some people who have didn't know they had nits, but they experience no itching!

This is to the poster who said it could be patronising I offered to nit check, I only offered because I've done that in the past for other friends and helped rid them of the pests.

Our children aren't in the same school, her daughter is in high school, my dd primary school.

I think my first time was at about 40 - I escaped them as a child (although got done with stuff every time siblings had them), but DD was very good at sharing.

I'd contact the other child's school and tell them about the constant itching and the mum's assertions and refusals to check in spite of the fact that your daughter (and potentially another) had nits soon after being in her home and spending a lot of time being close to her.