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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of Single Mum shaming.

82 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 12/06/2021 14:39

WARNING - reading this may cause an itchy head.

A few days ago I was around a friends(A) house for a little gathering. A has a daughter who is 11.

My friend commented to the group (about 5 or 6 of us) on how her daughter has suddenly scratching her head, and she thinks it's linked to stress, that her and her husband have split.

Another friend (B) mentioned could it be nits? A laughed, and said her daughters a little to old for nits, and it's definitely stress from the split.

The afternoon carries on and the 3 kids are playing nicely together. My DD, A daughter and Bs Daughter.

Before we are ready to leave I notice A daughter is really scratching viciously at her head, almost like she's chasing an itch. I told A her daughter can do some damage to her scalp or hair follicles if she keeps doing that, how long has it been going on, is she using anything to calm the irritation or itching.

A, once again states it started when her marriage ended (6/7 weeks ago) and its just stress the daughters exhibiting now she's a single mum and the dad isn't around.

(I would like to point out, the dad left because the mum had an affair and the AP has moved into the house. Access is unfortunately being dealt with through solicitors/courts)

Today I found a few walkers in DD hair, it's no big deal. I'm not blaming on anyone. It happens.

Tried ringing A to let her know I what I had found, so she could check her daughters hair as well.

I called B told her I had found some walkers in DDs hair, she will want to check her daughters hair, or I can do it of she would like.

A, finally called me back, I told her what I had found, and she might want to check her daughters her as a precaution or I could if it makes her squeamish.

Well she completely blew up at me, saying

  • how dare I blame her daughter for passing headlice around (I never Confused),

-her daughter doesn't have nits for the 100th time it's an itch she has due to stress

  • apparently I'm trying to shame her because she's a single mum and I wouldn't understand her predicament because I'm not single.
  • She knows her daughter better than me so my opinion is irrelevant
  • Do I think I'd be able to check her daughters hair better because I'm a hairdresser, or is that me just yet again trying to single mum Shame her.

Then she hung up. I'm honestly confused as to what the hell has just happened.

Mumsnet, please tell me WIBU?

OP posts:
Sometimesfraught82 · 13/06/2021 08:24

In what thread?! I’d love to read this again. Please tell me!

grapewine · 13/06/2021 08:32

No matter how many threads OP has started previously, she isn't unreasonable here. Friend isn't a single mother in the first place if the affair partner has already moved in.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/06/2021 08:39

quite clearly she is being judged by everyone around her and she knows it. Not because she is a single parent though (which she isn't) but because she is neglecting her daughter and is proud of how she has treated her daughter and husband.

SofiaMichelle · 13/06/2021 08:50

She's in a sensitive place right now. I would just make it clear to her that you are her friend without judgement and are there is she needs you.

I'd be hoiking my judgy pants to the point I'd have a wedgy.

She's had an affair, immediately moved the other man into her DC's home and having her ex go through court to secure access?

Judginess would be off the scale, here.

SleepyPartyTime · 13/06/2021 08:53

Unless you're massively misrepresenting the situation then she's mad as a box of hares (and will end up spreading nits to everyone who comes close).

grapewine · 13/06/2021 08:53

She's in a sensitive place right now.

Sensitive how? She's in a situation of her own making. She should own it not throw a fit at the OP.

MushMonster · 13/06/2021 09:02

Ignore her OP, it sounds like she is drama drama all over, so you are better off without no contact with her!
I hope she did finally check her daughter. It could be easily have started as stress, and she then could have got nits later on. It must be checked.
You did nothing wrong.

WettyHainthrop · 13/06/2021 13:48

@Sometimesfraught82

In what thread?! I’d love to read this again. Please tell me!
There were multiple posts on one about a ‘non-standard’ way of living, and another one where the OP just wanted the baby of her partner, who worked extremely long hours. That’s two to be getting on with. HTH.
funinthesun19 · 13/06/2021 14:04

Nope. She’s definitely not a single mum if she has a partner.

She’s being very sensitive even if she was a single mum, which she isn’t. What’s wrong with someone suggesting her daughter has headlice? The only person linking headlice and single mums is her.

I’m a single mum. If someone mentioned that my child might have headlice I wouldn’t for one minute think it’s anything to do with me being single Confused

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 14:38

I had them at 26 thanks to my delightful children so you’re never too old, even bald people can catch them believe it or not…

I’m not sure why she hasn’t just resolved the nits, they’re bloody awful and make your scalp literally burn. Her DD clearly needs treating and I’d argue it’s neglectful not to.

ScrollingLeaves · 13/06/2021 14:54

“Panaesthesia

Grotesque behaviour from this woman. She seems almost proud to parade that her daughter is 'stressed' due to her mother's infidelity and the shocking upheaval of having her father leave the home and a strange man moved in. You'd think she'd less keen to broadcast her parenting deficiencies.“

I agree with Panasthaesia.
Somehow she is actually using her daughter’s itchy head as
the ‘stress’ vessel to pour her own horrible behaviour and guilt into.

Imagine moving the AP in to daughter A’s home!

Meanwhile poor Daughter A most likely has nits, is extremely uncomfortable, and will pass them on.

In A’s position I’d have been grateful for you to look at dd A’s hair ( if she was willing).

Sometimesfraught82 · 13/06/2021 15:26

@WettyHainthrop

Cheers. Enjoyable to reread!

Sometimesfraught82 · 13/06/2021 15:28

I am a single parent of two children
If I ever decide to bring a partner in to my life. I will still absolutely regard myself as a single parent.
Even if I were to find love of my life, I will never ever move a man in to our home until my youngest is 18 (and fingers crossed off the uni halls!), but in such a scenario - a new partner would not be involved in my children’s parenting whatsoever

WheresTheLambSauce · 13/06/2021 15:29

-scratches head furiously- Sad

NothingIsWrong · 13/06/2021 15:35

I have vivid memories of driving to work, scratching my neck and finding a bit crawling up it. I had to furiously nit comb my hair in the toilets before I went into a meeting as I was paranoid one would march across my forehead during it. I must have been in my 40's.

Eledamorena · 13/06/2021 16:04

I had nits at 34. Does your friend think nits only like young hair?!

You were not unreasonable at all, in fact you were generous to offer to check other kids if people were squeamish. She sounds ridiculous.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 13/06/2021 16:28

I only offer, because I quite enjoy it Blush

I have sent a text saying I wasn't trying to offend her nor accuse her DD of spreading nits. I was just letting her know what I had found so she could check.

No response yet, but she does take a while responding.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 13/06/2021 17:44

@Sometimesfraught82

I am a single parent of two children If I ever decide to bring a partner in to my life. I will still absolutely regard myself as a single parent. Even if I were to find love of my life, I will never ever move a man in to our home until my youngest is 18 (and fingers crossed off the uni halls!), but in such a scenario - a new partner would not be involved in my children’s parenting whatsoever
This - a lot of posters can seem to understand the difference between 'a romantic relationship' and a 'parenting relationship'.

I was a single mam for a short period of my life, I still dated occasionally and even had a long distance boyfriend for a little bit but that didnt effect my parenting or DS at all.

Me going on a date with a man (or even many over a period of time) doesnt in any way suddenly make him my DS dad or a co-parent and its bizaare anyone would think like that.

Im not touching on the woman personal relationship as it feels gossip-y and isnt the issue or even really relavent but she can be a 'taken woman' and still be a 'single mother' with the new partner having zero say or impact in the childs upbringing.

mam0918 · 13/06/2021 17:45

*can't seem to understand

Sometimesfraught82 · 13/06/2021 17:46

@mam0918

Those that have a romantic relationship, bring the man in to the family home and he assumes a quasi-parenting role, rendering the mother no longer a “single parent”, well... I’d be interested to learn the children’s take on it all

BettyBurntBuns · 13/06/2021 17:59

@Francescaisstressed

Firstly, she's not a single mum she's a divorced parent. Definitely sounds like she's insecure and embarrassed so turned the tables on you.
She’s single, not a lone parent
CiaoForNiao · 13/06/2021 19:35

@Sometimesfraught82

I am a single parent of two children If I ever decide to bring a partner in to my life. I will still absolutely regard myself as a single parent. Even if I were to find love of my life, I will never ever move a man in to our home until my youngest is 18 (and fingers crossed off the uni halls!), but in such a scenario - a new partner would not be involved in my children’s parenting whatsoever
But in the case of OPs friend he has moved in. So she is not a single parent. That doesn't mean she doesn't have some of the issues single parents have. But she isn't a single parent. And I have been a single parent, and Cohabited with a new partner. At which point I stopped saying I was a single parent.
Sometimesfraught82 · 13/06/2021 19:43

So the partner she’s moved in is now her children’s father? Is that what you’re saying? You move a man in, and that person becomes your children’s parent and you are no longer a single parent?

I have no intention of ever moving a man in to my children’s home. If so some reason it did happen, the man would not be a parent to my children.

So... I would be a single parent.
I would co habit with a parter

contrary13 · 13/06/2021 19:47

My oldest was around 13 or 14 when a girl in her year at school very kindly shared her lice around the class... My daughter has long, thick hair, so that was a bit of an ordeal trying to sort it out (my gut reaction was to cut it all off... but that's because I'm a bit phobic about parasites in general!) - and of course, myself and her younger brother (who also has very thick hair) needed treating, just to be on the safe side. My son was 5-ish when this happened, and loathed the treatment because it "smelled funny".

However, I did point out to my daughter that she ought to have known better than to put her head anywhere near the classmate's as she was renowned in their primary school for literally crawling with them. Her mother didn't believe in treating them at all - and the school literally safe-guarded the family, with SS being called in and all sorts.

Sometimes headlice are a part of growing up... but not to the extent of a child scratching for almost 2 months, surely?! A 4 year old literally died because of anaemia brought on by them (and probably other things) not so very long ago. Yes; "stress" is more socially acceptable (and probably gets the mother more positive attention than "my child is crawling with nits and I refuse to/cannot work out how to get rid of them!" would), but if the 11 year old has them... chances are the mother and her new boyfriend do, too.

Oh, and I'm not single-mother/parent-shaming, either, because I am one, myself. Nothing wrong with being one. But there's also nothing wrong with accepting the advice of a hairdresser concerning lice and how to get rid!

This is undoubtedly my own reaction to headlice in general, @KungFuPandaWorksOut20, but if I were you - I'd be seriously re-evaluating my friendship with 'A'. And I'd be concerned enough to drop a few words about the child's little friends, her father's way in the hopes that the poor kid gets some Hedrin or the like slathered onto her poor (most probably red-raw) scalp. Sad

CiaoForNiao · 13/06/2021 19:50

No but (unless he's spectacularly useless) he would be doing something to help. When I was living with a partner who wasn't my dcs parent he cooked, cleaned, paid towards bills. Made sure the dc were bathed and in bed on time when I was working/sick. I wasn't doing all the "parenting" anymore and wouldn't have moved him in if he refused to do anything at all to help.
You're certainly not classed as a single parent for benefit purposes.

If you aren't planning on ever moving any one in then you are, and will always be, a single parent.

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