My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[MrsMiddleMother]

Yabu and I'm in agreement with your husband.
Personally don't think anyone should drink during pregnancy, and even though I wouldn't do it, I understand the odd drink maybe at a wedding or Christmas Dinner, but not every week and not if you're also eating things that are discouraged. It's like you're purposely going against advice. You're carrying his child too, you will agree on their care once they're born so why not before?

[DinosaurDiana]

He should give up too. He’s a plonker.

[SeaToSki]

OP. I think he should be more concerned about your driving….. from a report on a study done in 2014 in Canada on the driving records of half a million mothers.

“Don't scuba dive. Be careful about flying. Stay out of those hot tubs. Pregnancy comes with a long list of do's and don'ts.

Now it looks like we might need to add another item to that list: Drive more carefully.

Expectant mothers are more likely to have serious car crashes, a large study out of Canada finds.

The risk is the greatest during the second trimester, when a woman's chance for getting into an accident is about the same as someone with sleep apnea, doctors report Monday in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

"We've known for a long time that pregnancy causes fatigue, insomnia, nausea and stress," he says. "What we wondered was how all those factors might contribute to driver error and the possibility of a life-threatening motor vehicles crash ... I was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. ... It's a substantial risk."

And a visit to the ER is the last thing an expectant mom needs, Redelmeier says.

"These individuals are enormously problematic to care for," he says. "Many of the standard procedures, such as CT scan of the abdomen, are contraindicated for pregnant women ... These are circumstances that are best avoided."

I think your DH should start chauffeuring you around, because you know you just cant be too careful. He should also pay for you to have daily monitoring from a nurse for infections, blood clots or haemorage as these are actually the most dangerous things that can happen to a pregnant woman and if he is actually worried about the baby then that is what he should be worried about. (Rather than just a spurious concern about what others might think)

[awaketoosoon]

@Tubbs99 yes i've been told similar & grandma in law lived to 99 enjoyed it. I just much prefer white 😫

[bargelights]

He sounds like a bit of an arse, concerned with appearances and using emotional blackmail against you. He could always give up drinking for the remainder of your pregnancy in solidarity. But it sounds as though he would be unlikely to do that.

However, on the general subject of alcohol during pregnancy, I am very cautious. I don’t think it’s worth the risk to drink at all, though I know that some people choose to drink occasionally. Once or twice a week seems far too much to me and doesn’t qualify as occasionally IMO. Obviously, everyone needs to make their own risk assessments. But your DH’s concerns may be valid, despite the fact that he expressed them badly.

[roarfeckingroarr]

YANBU

Mine turned a bit like this when I was pregnant. It really annoyed me but as he's not a controlling prick in any other respect we moved past it. I used to have a small glass when with friends, not DH, and as a compromise he didn't drink either when we were together.

[Tubbs99]

@drpet49 You make it sound like the OP doesn’t give a shit about her baby! She can make her own decisions as she see fit

[TidyDancer]

As others have pointed out OP, you do seem to be justifying your drinking as your posts go on. And what you are calling the odd glass is actually not that - it's a weekly, sometimes twice weekly, thing you're doing. Your DH obviously has concerns and I really don't blame him for expressing them (however clumsily he did so).

[traumatisednoodle]

I also occasionally drank alcohol after my 2nd scan. I did stop cycling & reduced caffeine. Others will do the opposite & judge my choices

Is cycling not ok in pregnancy (misses point of entire thread)?

[secular39]

I wouldn't be drinking at all to be honest. It's only 9 months and they are other non alcoholic drinks which are just as food.
He is right in a sense that people would be judgemental as you are visibility pregnant now. But it's your baby and your body so....

[awaketoosoon]

I've never understood why people can't sacrifice certain things for 9 short months - especially alcohol.

I certainly didn't eat particularly well for months of my pregnancy because I could not hold anything down other than bread & lost weight in the beginning.

[doadeer]

I think the amount of decisions we have to make when it comes to pregnancy, birth and raising children.... It's a minefield. I always noticed that other parents would feel very strongly about things that didn't bother me and vice versa. Do you allow a dummy? Bottle or breast feed? Own room? Co sleep? Baby led weaning? Food choices? When do you potty train? What do you give for teething? There are so many decisions. I think you need to be on the same page as otherwise you're in for a rocky road.

[HappyWipings]

I have issues with alcohol in general , I think it's too readily available for something that is highly dangerous and addictive to certain people. The drinking culture in this country is totally fucked up...cheeky gin , Friday night beer etc - these phrases grate on me enormously.

However , if you are someone that chooses to have one with a meal , occasionally , while pregnant or otherwise I see that as absolutely fine. If you were having more than that he'd have every reason to take issue.

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

Please don’t propagate the myth that pregnant women can’t have any painkillers whatsoever. The NHS is very clear that paracetamol is the first choice of painkiller if you’re pregnant. Many others are fine too. Taking paracetamol to deal with pain during pregnancy is so far apart from drinking alcohol for pleasure I can’t understand why you’d even bring this into it.

So many women are told by non-medics you ‘can’t touch any medication’ during pregnancy and suffer as a result. It’s unfortunate and should be challenged.

I’m well aware many women are told not to medicate in pregnancy. My GP told me to muddle through without antihistamines, which I did until the beginning of this week when I was really suffering. This is because many medications aren’t tested in pregnancy as it is unethical to do so. It is also unethical to do any studies for alcohol intake and what is a safe limit. Which is why medics and the NHS tend to a very risk adverse view of drinking, medications, high-risk foods. OP has done her own research and was happy with the decision she made, until her husband started blaming her for the behavioural problems they don’t even know if their son has. I have done my own research and spoken with another GP and I’m happy to take antihistamines. My choice to take antihistamines everyday for the next 6 weeks hasn’t been studied. OPs choice to have 1.5 units of alcohol a week hasn’t been studied. We’ve both taken that risk based on what we’ve read and what we’re feeling.

OP’s husband is perfectly capable of reading the research the OP has and then debating it with her if he disagrees. He isn’t, her DH is taking a blanket view of drinking is bad and therefore everyone is judging OP and she’s solely to blame for any behavioural issues. So before he starts throwing those accusations around maybe he should try being faced with a blanket no to everything and risk assessing everything.

[Checkingout811]

I think YABU that you didn’t consult him on whether he was also happy to take the risks of you drinking alcohol during your pregnancy. It’s his baby too.

[awaketoosoon]

@traumatisednoodle I don't know, I'm a clutz so assumed I would fall off! That's the thing isn't it you risk assess based on your own self.

[JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam]

I think YABU. Once a week isn’t occasionally…it’s regularly.

The thing is now if your baby does develop any learning difficulties he (and probably you) are going to wonder if it was the alcohol that caused it.

Whilst I think he should have made his feeling clearer months ago…I do agree with him.

[Inmypjsagain]

Did you do a post at the start of your pregnancy about your husband drinking nice wine in front you? Seems familiar.

I think it’s your body, your choice. Personally, I haven’t drunk any alcohol (although I’d love a cold glass of rose today!!!) and I won’t be- I think my husband would be surprised if he saw me drink and I’d take his views on board. I think it’s natural to be concerned about your baby especially when the publicised advice is overwhelmingly do not drink.

Interesting thread though, I’m sure seen other posters flamed for suggesting a glass of champagne at a wedding, so was expecting the comments to be very different!

[PurplePansy05]

I would never drink or smoke in pregnancy and I would be be embarrassed if my pregnant partner did so.

This. I am now 31+2, also post multiple in fact MCs (not sure why you're even mentioning this in your OP, but since you have) and I have to say I am completely in agreement with your husband, sorry.

Also the "it is your body argument". Yes, but the baby you are carrying is yours and his.

I personally don't understand why some people choose to drink when pregnant and then they act surprised that other people don't support it.

[SunshineCake]

I think this is his baby to and as it bothers him you should stop. I gave up the small amount of wine I used to have once we started trying and followed all the guidelines. If it said don't have, or limit, then I cut it all out. Dh cut out alcohol too.

[CheshireCats]

Op, I had 3 dc in the 00's. Advice at the time allowed drinking after 12 weeks. With my first I had one glass of wine on a Saturday and sometimes one on a Sunday pretty much every week after 16 weeks.
Second DC a bit less because I was sick for much longer.
Third one similar to second.
All 3 times the midwives etc said it was fine.
My 3rd was conceived unexpectedly- I had got quite merry at a family party not knowing I was early pregnant. I remember "confessing" to my GP who told me not to worry about it!
All 3 DC are totally fine, strapping healthy teens.
I know advice changes, but when you are a bit further along in this parenting journey, you see how much the advice changes for lots of things and begin to chill out about the advice and use your judgment as well (for instance all 3 of mine were weaned at 22/24 weeks when guidance stated 6 months)
I personally think your alcohol consumption is fine, but for me, I would not have eaten the foods that are not recommended. You must make that decision for you. (Peanuts weren't allowed when I was pregnant, but they are now - something else that's changed....)
I think your approach is measured and you should crack on doing what is right for you. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[secular39]

Not only that but once a week is quite a lot to be honest. But it's your baby so.....

[JellyTumble]

YABVU. You are willingly happy to cause harm to your baby and being neglectful before they are even born.

Your wish to drink is more important than the safety of another human life. Shame on you.

You should be upset, and you should put your baby first.

[JewelGarden]

@TedHastingsweeDonkey

Maybe you should find pleasure in the fact that you are nurturing a little human inside of you and giving them the best possible start in life. Yes it's your body, you decide what you put in it. But there is life growing inside of you. So it's not just you, is it? Also, you say you take the small risk. Small risk of a drink, small risk of rare stake, small risk of Parma ham. Seems to be a lot to small risks there. I am sure you can make your own mind up and decide for you what you can and can't have but I actually do not blame your husband here...you rent your body out for 9 months and baby should come first. Their health should be a priority. Yeah a sip of drink every now and then, but definitely not on a regular basis. Not because of what other people do, or judgment, but for the sake of your unborn child.

You absolutely do not rent your body out for 9 months. These threads always turn into something weird when the rent a womb people turn up.

[DistrictCommissioner]

Yanbu.

I wonder if you’re married to my cousin’s husband (assume not!), who, at my grandmother’s 90th birthday, publicly corrected my heavily pregnant cousin for eating a smoked salmon canapé & having half a glass of champers. What a twat.