My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[SiobhanSharpe]

FWIW when i was pregnant (mid 80s) the advice as far as i can recall was that a small glass of wine once or twice a week was fine.
My young, hippyish GP, when i was very distressed about lack of sleep in the third trimester, asked me if I 'used alcohol' and suggested trying a small scotch at night to help me sleep!

[NotAnotherAlias]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I am also struck by how your DH says he would stop drinking if he were pregnant.

If you felt so inclined, you could offer to abstain in pregnancy as long as he did too? After all, it would be hypocritical for him to suggest you go without the odd glass of wine when he’s only too happy to have several pints watching the footy, then several more drinks with a meal and at home later. And it’s pretty rubbish to be sober in the company of tipsy/drunk people.

I imagine he might back down when put like that, although only offer it if you’re willing to stick to it just in case he takes you up on the offer.

[Onceuponatime1818]

Personally I wouldn’t be happy if my parents was drinking any alcohol when pregnant and also eating Parma harm and soft cheese etc. It’s 9 months. I wouldn’t risk it personally and would hope my partner wouldn’t either

[Taliskerskye]

Tell him to stop drinking for the whole pregnancy then. Share that burden

1 / 2 drinks a week is loads - youre minimising your drinking - fml top mumsnet statements!!! there !

[ChangePart1]

I did ask him if he’d like to take away my morning coffee too, and if I should have taken that paracetamol when I had a headache on Wednesday, or ordered the prawns because I fancied them, but that’s all fine apparently.

Because under 200mg daily of caffeine is fine. Paracetamol is safe.

I originally thought you were being quite measured and reasonable about your alcohol use but the defensiveness and pulling in recognised safe pregnancy behaviours as a kind of gotcha attempt is making you seem more and more focused on continuing to drink. Even if you’re ‘only’ drinking weekly or twice weekly that’s a bit of a concern to be honest.

Only you can decide whether your husband’s comfort level and care for his baby is more or less important than needing or wanting to have a drink.

I also find the resentment towards him being able to keep drinking because he isn’t carrying your baby kind of strange. You sound so resentful and angry that your body is the one being inconvenienced by this pregnancy. It is a big adjustment realising you’re sharing your body with another person and that your actions and behaviours don’t just affect you anymore, but most people manage because they recognise it’s for a short time and in the service of growing and protecting a baby that they love or hope to love once they’re born.

[Tubbs99]

He’s being a dick. Having the occasional glass of wine, especially with a meal is fine. The guidance is aimed at the lowest common denominator, because you know, women can’t be trusted to use their own judgement

[InnaBun]

He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.
I think this is maybe more important than the people judging you so his focus is in the wrong place. But you are about to be parents and he has to trust you to look after his baby for the time it is in your womb so I can see why it's hard for him as ultimately it's down to you.

[MumInBrussels]

I didn't drink during pregnancy, but that's because I have a bit of a wonky brain and know I would have blamed myself unreasonably if things had gone wrong. But that's my issue, and I wouldn't judge anyone else for doing what they think is right - women are infantilised during pregnancy, and it drives me mad.

His opinion counts, as long as he's willing to have an informed opinion, based on evidence - not just whether he thinks other people might be silently judging you However, this bit is so unfair and cruel, I'd struggle to get past it: He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking

He's basically saying he's going to blame you if there's anything less than entirely perfect about your child. And no children are perfect! (I have 3, and while I obviously adore them, there are days when they drive me insane! If I thought that my husband was sitting there thinking "if you hadn't had that prosecco, they'd be better kids" I'd be furious.)

I think you need to talk more about the drinking and what happens now - are you willing to humour his discomfort with people possibly talking about you behind your back if he also agrees to stop drinking for the duration of your pregnancy? Will he read up on the issue to reassure himself that you haven't damaged your baby and that any future issues are nothing to do with prosecco, so you can both be confident he's not going to be unfairly blaming you if there are any issues in the future? What would work for you both so you can both be happy enough (if not exactly thrilled) for the rest of the pregnancy? Parenting is often a bunch of compromises, I find - now is as good a time as any to start practicing negotiating them. Good luck, and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy!

[InnaBun]

Maybe ask him to stop drinking for the duration of your pregnancy too

[cupsofcoffee]

While I do think the occasional drink during pregnancy is fine, I don't think drinking twice a week is really "occasional" drinking - that's regular drinking and isn't something I would be comfortable with.

[MiddleParking]

I might be willing to entertain that discussion if he proactively chose to stop drinking himself for the duration of the pregnancy before even starting it. But that wouldn’t guarantee I’d go along with what he wanted. I drank a little bit in pregnancy (not in the first trimester, it was hard enough to stomach water at that point, but when I started feeling better) and was entirely comfortable with it, and obviously my baby was fine, better than fine.

[Tistheseason17]

I'm with your DH.
You have a book that tells you that it's ok to drink vs NHS advice saying it's best not to.
He's correct that what we do when pregnant can impact our child's health. My mum smoked and I was born under expected weight and now I'm asthmatic.
Drinking occasionally is very different to drinking regularly - once a week (sometimes twice).
Some of your language indicates you do like to drink quite regularly generally, - ie big wine drinking before pregnancy, only stopped drinking in 1st trimester because you felt unwell.
I think the issue is you want to justify drinking regularly whilst pregnant.

I'd normally say your body, your choice - but there's a baby and it did not choose to be have weekly alcohol did it?

[Sargass0]

and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules

Why does he think this? It seems like he thinks you're a subvert so its probably more about your general attitude to things rather than the wine...
Not that I'm saying your attitude is wrong.. but he seems to have a problem with it

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't be happy at that level of drinking, tbh. I wouldn't like his judgement given he was pissed at the time, either, but I was never comfortable with the idea of having a drink when I was pregnant.

[InnaBun]

@ChangePart1

There does seem to be some minimising of the amount of alcohol you’re drinking though OP. A weekly/twice weekly drink isn’t ‘the odd drink’.

I agree, to me the odd drink is once a month

[UnshakenNeedsStirring]

You need to drink and have found the only evidence to support it. You aren’t drinking occasionally you are drinking at least once every week. Occasionally would be once in a blue moon. No excuse for drinking when pregnant. Its your husbands baby too.

[ThymeCrisis]

But I know lots of women who totally cut out caffeine too or won’t take painkillers. Why, If that’s in fact totally fine and no risk at all? I don’t care at all what other women choose to do with their pregnancies in regards to cutting things out because we all make a choice.

No I don’t think I minimise my drinking. Its1.5 units. One drink. There’ve been maybe three weeks when I’ve had a second drink at some point on a different day, at a funeral for example and at a family reunion.

I do respect other opinions and I respect DH’s opinion too. However I look at it he has ruined the pleasure in one small drink for me now but then I guess that’s my issue. Yes if he’s saying I don’t order a drink when I’m out then perhaps he shouldn’t either. If I was on a diet then occasionally I’d expect some solidarity in him not ordering the sticky toffee pudding after a meal, for example.

[awaketoosoon]

The posters who talk about getting used to judgement are correct. Everyone has an opinion. I wanted to breastfeed & kept baby in bedroom for almost a yr & occasionally co-slept. I also occasionally drank alcohol after my 2nd scan. I did stop cycling & reduced caffeine. Others will do the opposite & judge my choices.

[ThursdayWeld]

It's his baby too. I would not have been comfortable with drinking the amount you are, when I was pregnant. Ethanol is ethanol, however you dress it up.

[ElspethFlashman]

@ProbablyProbing

Plenty of women don't drink at all whilst pregnant - I didn't. I'm not saying you shouldn't but I don't think it's fair to pretend it's an absurd concept or that women who don't drink at all are ignorant, naive, blind little sheep who can't think for themselves. You complain about the patriarchy a lot for someone with such a low opinion of other women's capacity.
You've said you're offended that DH thinks you're drinking because you think the NHS guidelines are only there because of the "patriarchy" and yet you've gone on to say exactly the same thing. You're justifying your drinking with what is, essentially, a conspiracy theory. You should drink how you feel comfortable - your body, your choice. But acting like the NHS are lying to everyone and you're superior ability to understand science is weird and illogical.
I'm not sure what you want here to be honest (other than to be told that you're entirely correct and perfect and DH is a twat). Do you just want him not to have any opinion at all? You asked him what was bugging him - he told you, calmly and honestly. And now you're mad at him. So, did you want him to a) lie to you or b) not be allowed opinions? There's not really any other option.
If you have an issue with his drinking (and I can see why you might) then that's a separate issue - you're separate people. You're just as entitled to have a problem with his drinking as he is to have one with yours. As I've said, it's your body and your choice what you put into it. DH has no right to dictate what you put into your body but you, equally, have to right to dictate how he feels. It works both ways.

This.

OP you seem ridiculously pissed off when he's just going by the guidlines.

Guess what, so did many of us!

Doesn't make us idiots. I also wouldn't have had rare steak in a million years and I love it. I just didn't eat steak for the pregnancy. Guess what, it wasn't actually that inconvenient!

[theSunday]

Hmmm. I have been through 3 pregnancies and didn’t touch alcohol as soon as I knew tbh. Maybe a sip of champagne at NYE.

Having said that, I did drink coffee throughout.

[InnaBun]

However I look at it he has ruined the pleasure in one small drink for me now but then I guess that’s my issue yeah that sounds like a bit of an issue tbh. Maybe fine pleasure somewhere else? I nice face mask perhaps?

[SemiFeralDalek]

To be fair, drinking "once or twice a week" in pregnancy isn't "the odd drink". You do seem to be minimising what your intake is.

You've decided you're not being unreasonable, like you say, you've read the book and decided your own boundaries with alcohol.

But he's not being unreasonable either and if you were my pregnant partner I'd be pissed off at the frequency with which you were drinking.

[awaketoosoon]

Do you think you had a reliance / problem with alcohol before you became pregnant?

Awh, the reaching!! Mn never lets me down 😆

[drpet49]

* You can’t blame him for feeling that way, the overwhelming advice when pregnant is not to drink or to drink very moderately and rarely and he’s seen you drink on a weekly basis throughout the pregnancy.*

^This. I’m with your husband. I couldn’t take the risks just because I wanted some wine at the end of the week.