My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[RandomCatGenerator]

Good Lord pregnancy is not renting a womb. How weird.

[PurplePansy05]

Hey @Inmypjsagain btw! 😘 I had the same thought about that wine thread, I read it too and OP's tone sounds very familiar, totally agree.

[godmum56]

its three things that made me say yanbu

1. The way it was presented as "what will people think"
   
2. The not giving up himself. My late DH had a job where one week in 5 he was on call 24/7 so zero alcohol. It was a given by me, not by him, that I didn't drink either. Its a small thing but are you a team or not?
   
3. Do you think he might have had a talking to by a member of his family? yep absolute reach but it does sound a bit MIL-ish (no offence intended to all the lovely MILs)

[MimiDaisy11]

It's easy to say you shouldn't be bothered about what other people think but most people are - even though a lot say they aren't. I can sympathise with someone feeling uncomfortable if they're with a pregnant woman who is drinking alcohol as the well-known guidance is not to drink. I think -rightly or wrongly - people are liable to judge and I wouldn't want to deal with that.

[missingeu]

TBH I think the stress caused by his opinion will have more harm on you and the baby than the odd sensible thought out alcoholic drink.

It's all very well for him to place judgement if he would join you and alcohol free for 9 months but he's not, so he should support you.

My children are healthly, intelligent teenagers and I drank occassionally whilst pregnant and there appears to be no damage.

[Laiste]

Blunt opinion? I think this much determination to carrying on drinking alcohol smacks of dependency.

When you add on the cheese, the rare steak, the prawns ect ... it smacks of obstinancy.

All the 'if i can't then neither should he' business - just bloody childish.

[WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia]

Wow. I did not know this is now normal. It’s only early afternoon and I think I’m done with mn for today .

[zara40]

Sorry OP, but I do think you’re being very unreasonable here.it’s his baby too and he has a right to be concerned. I think you are being very disrespectful of him actually. Nearly all husbands would have a massive ids due with this, so au dint know why you’re shocked at his reaction? He is right, you know - you don’t see pregnant women drinking (in public or anywhere). There are obvious reasons for this.

[CaraherEIL]

Being really honest as irrational as it can be when you start to worry, you worry.
Also maybe your previous miscarriage (so sorry) has made him worry a lot more about this pregnancy than he has let on.
To allow him a small amount of credit he didn’t have a go at you in the restaurant he was just abit subdued and only said at home when you asked him.
I think if he is truly concerned then you both should give up booze for the remainder of the pregnancy. He can translate his concern into supporting you in a real way.
All that being said I would have found it very hard not to lose my temper with him if he was lecturing me about patriarchy whilst swigging a G&T.
I don’t drink and I have been impressed recently because there are some really good convincing tasting alcohol free Proseccos available now.

[ZenNudist]

Not unreasonable have the odd small wine, re eating out then if he isn't comfortable you having a drink then he doesn't drink either in support.


^this. If he's being petty about "letting" you drink then he needs to stop drinking too. It's too much expecting you to sit there watching him enjoy a drink whilst he controls you!

[Xyzzzzz]

I think there is a difference between occasionally drinking I.e. at an occasion or once a month and the weekly drink you have. You said it’s your weekly treat that you look forward too. It’s not occasional but regular. I think you should at least recognise that you’re drinking a drink on a regular basis and not an occasional basis.

You’re husband is unreasonable for insinuating that if the baby isn’t ‘perfect’ then it’s due to your drinking. As that’s unknown.

[Faithless12]

@GreenBinLid

Hmm. I can see both sides.

I would never drink or smoke in pregnancy and I would be be embarrassed if my pregnant partner did so.

But at the same time it is your body and there's nothing he can really do if you are adamant on it.

I agree with this statement. Although did have a sip of wine after 12 weeks which coincided with our anniversary.

At the time the risks of paracetamol in pregnancy wasn't known (one study came out when DS was a few weeks old) but I had refused pain killers from TTC.

Ultimately it's your choice but I would listen to him (that doesn't mean do as he says) as you'll no doubt have differences of opinion along the way with children and it should be a team effort.

[PurplePansy05]

TBH I think the stress caused by his opinion will have more harm on you and the baby than the odd sensible thought out alcoholic drink.

Well, now I've read it all, facepalm.

[Hoppinggreen]

He might have a point but the facts he is more concerned about people judging than your baby’s health is stupid.

[zara40]

“ if he isn't comfortable you having a drink then he doesn't drink either in support.”

Fgs, are they 6? This is not some tit-for-tat competition. “Waaa waaa, I can’t have wine so you can’t either. It’s not faaaair.. “

[Bagamoyo1]

YABU. You shouldn’t drink in pregnancy. And if I’d been in the restaurant and saw an obviously pregnant woman drinking I’d judge her. Same as i judge pregnant women smoking. I’d never say anything but I’d certainly think negatively about them. It’s not exactly a long time to make a sacrifice for.

[ThymeCrisis]

Ok fine- I think of it as occasional at least compared to previous pregnancy but yeah, a weekly thing is regular. If anyone wants to know the reading I have done is conclusive in the fact that your body is more than capable of processing 1.5 units before it gets anyway near the baby. ESPECIALLY drunk slowly and with a meal. OFC I care about my baby and I didn’t subscribe to that logic then I wouldn’t be drinking.

As far as I know the NHS suggests ‘caution’ on the foods I listed (and they really have been occasional) there’s very little on that food list you have to totally ban.

Unfortunately anything I say now will have some posters affirm that i am trying to justify things, so I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.

I do think if there’s a good point from my DH mired in there, he’s put it across really clumsily and caused a lot of hurt.

[Dollyplastic]

I've worked a lot with children with FAS.

I wouldn't take the risk you're taking and if my partner was doing it I wouldn't be happy at all.

I think it's unfair not to listen to his valid concerns.

[Zitouna]

I had the odd glass of wine in both pregnancies, and my partner was fully supportive. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I think your partner is being an arse. I can understand people saying you should take his feelings into account and if he had thought about the risks and come to a different conclusion to you, you and talked about it (when sober!) then maybe fair enough. BUT

1. He had the gall to assume your motivation was something else - sticking it to the patriarchy - and to tell you so.
   
2. He’s actually more worried about how it appears and what other people think than a risk assessment he has done.
   

I think he is being sexist, patronising and craven, and if I were you I’d be hopping mad.

[ThymeCrisis]

Yes, I absolutely do deserve to have a baby, saying that I don’t is really unnecessary and cruel.

[Rachelheels]

@Zitouna

I had the odd glass of wine in both pregnancies, and my partner was fully supportive. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I think your partner is being an arse. I can understand people saying you should take his feelings into account and if he had thought about the risks and come to a different conclusion to you, you and talked about it (when sober!) then maybe fair enough. BUT

1. He had the gall to assume your motivation was something else - sticking it to the patriarchy - and to tell you so.
2. He’s actually more worried about how it appears and what other people think than a risk assessment he has done.

I think he is being sexist, patronising and craven, and if I were you I’d be hopping mad.

I think he cares and was just clumsy with his words.

Give the guy a break

[Rachelheels]

@ThymeCrisis

Yes, I absolutely do deserve to have a baby, saying that I don’t is really unnecessary and cruel.

If you can’t give up alcohol then your priorities are very wrong.

It’s alcohol not oxygen, just let it go for the few short months it takes.

[zara40]

Just because your body is “more than capable of processing” something, doesn’t mean you should be drinking / eating it. Even if the risk is minuscule, why take it?

How hard can this actually be? Ridiculous.

[CloudofRain]

I know a child born with foetal alcohol syndrome. Their mum claimed to only have a drop here and there. Up to you I guess but a word of warning.