To ask how I can build emotional resilience in DC

[Ffsfgswth123]

Primary aged DC has anxiety and possible ASD. There was an incident at school midweek where the class pranked him by pretending not to be his friend and ignoring him for most of the day, and were calling him shorty, shortstuff etc.

It's really, really affected him and triggered a spike in his anxiety. He isn't eating (have a separate thread on this) and is extremely tired to the point he can't get out of bed this morning. He refused school after the incident despite learning it's a prank. DC is an extremely sensitive and empathic child, and would never do a mean prank like this on someone else. But how can I help him build emotional resilience, to help him understand there are mean kids out there who do shitty things and worse things in life will happen. He cannot let every little thing affect him so greatly.

Well that’s an absolutely awful thing for the whole class to do. What did school do to deal with this???? I’m not surprised he reacted as he did - this is a bit more than most of us could cope with to be honest!!!

It’s not a prank, it’s bullying. What is the school saying?

What I also meant to add was this isn’t a little thing - I would absolutely acknowledge his feelings and reactions as a first step. Reassure him you’ll sort this with school.

And I would consider moving schools to be honest if it isn’t resolved.

It wasn't a little thing, it was nasty, organised bullying. What are the school doing about it?

The whole class!! That's awful, the poor little thing, how old is he? that is not a 'prank' OP, you need to speak to the school. This is nothing to do with emotional resilience.

DS told me about the prank last night so I haven't had a chance to mention it to the school. He reluctantly told me after days of questioning what caused the trigger. I did however speak to his teacher about the anxiety yesterday at hometime, and teacher said DS hadn't eaten his lunch but had been chatting to a few friends in class and seemed okay.

DS has made me promise not to ask the teacher about it so I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him not opening up to me next time something happens.

Has the school dealt with the so-called "prank"? It sounds suspiciously like bullying to me, however it might have been dressed up afterwards. This needs to be properly addressed.

In terms of building his resilience, I don't think there are any easy answers. Allow him to feel what he feels, acknowledge it and don't try to minimise it, but when he has had a chance to fully express what he feels, maybe work with him to identify different ways of framing his experience? Help him to identify strategies that he can use to help him feel better - whether that's doing something proactive to tackle whatever problems that he is facing or doing something to take his mind off it. I think it's important for him to know a) that his feelings are valid, and b) that he has the agency to take action that will make him feel better.

How old is he OP? That is no prank, it’s nasty. Just plain nasty. Your poor DS. I would be horrified to learn that my DS had been involved in anything so nasty

@Ffsfgswth123

DS told me about the prank last night so I haven't had a chance to mention it to the school. He reluctantly told me after days of questioning what caused the trigger. I did however speak to his teacher about the anxiety yesterday at hometime, and teacher said DS hadn't eaten his lunch but had been chatting to a few friends in class and seemed okay.

DS has made me promise not to ask the teacher about it so I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him not opening up to me next time something happens.

It’s not a prank though. That really underplays what happens by calling it that.

You’re the adult. You explain to your ds that thank you for telling you, it’s really important to tell grown ups and you will need to speak to the teacher as it’s wrong for people to do that.

Of course he’s worried - but by doing the right thing I.e going to school and sorting this out - then he’ll see that it is right to tell you.

My DD has had bullying issues in class and always says she doesn’t want me to tell. I explain to her that I am speaking to the teacher and I reassure her she’s not the one in trouble here.

DS is 11 and only has a few weeks left at school. He is looking forward to secondary school as he hates his primary. They've been so unsupportive in every possible way and dismissive of his possible ASD. We are having him assessed and have had a referral for counselling his anxiety. I'm really hoping that will help.

Imagine you went into work and discovered every single person there mysteriously wasn't speaking to you.

When they did decide to speak to you, it was to call you a rude name.

Doesn't sound like a little thing now, does it?

You support him by finding your inner tiger, seeing that he is being outrageously bullied and getting the school to get off its arse and sort it out. Copy of the bullying policy, meeting with the teacher, him knowing you always have his back.

Just echoing everyone else: this is not ‘pranking’, it’s bullying.

I am a year 2 teacher, and would not/ do not see this as a joke or a prank, and would not minimise it by referring to it in those terms. It is ostracising, a form of bullying, and it needs to be stopped pronto.

If school does not take this seriously, ask for a copy of their anti bullying policy, and then write to the headteacher.

I find schools can be very much like the NHS: if it is not in writing, it didn’t happen. (Bitter experience of DC1 being bullied in y3 and 4).

In terms of building resilience, I think it's really important for a child to know that they don't just have to play the helpless victim. The incident in school is your chance to demonstrate this to your ds. He doesn't have to just suck up the bullying and keep it quiet. Please explain to him why you need to talk to the teacher because he should not have to tolerate bullying behaviour.

The school sounds incredibly unsupportive. One of mine had a speech delay & mild anxiety. Honestly they worked so hard to make him feel secure.

This is bullying.

There are two or three separate things here.

One is the behaviour of the other children. Your son needs to know that it is unacceptable and will be addressed.

I wouldn’t change schools. I think that undermines resilience by teaching that we run away rather than address problems. I would want to know what the teacher did since it was a whole class, all day issue. Someone must have noticed. I’d want the full story about what triggered it, how the whole class became involved and how it could continue all day without adult intervention. You assumedly only have one side of the story currently. You need the whole story.

Your son needs to understand triggers and what makes people behave negatively towards him. Not to be blamed, but to help build his social skills and ability to integrate. He might need to learn to have one or two friends rather than trying to be in a group of thirty, for example. He might need support to do this from you and from the school.

Resilience is not about preventing sadness, discomfort or anxiety. It is about allowing them to understand that some things that are less pleasant happen and they get through it. It’s about understanding a balance of good things and less good things. It’s about acceptance of who we are and what we have control over.

It isn’t about selling the myth of perpetual happiness or intervening at every playground squabble. It isn’t about forcing friendships or pretend happiness. It is about teaching young people to accept and like themselves. To teach them most things are unimportant in the grander scheme of things. To enable them to know they are loved and loveable regardless.

@iggly yes we had a long discussion this morning and I reminded him of the times he was bullied in previous years, and I spoke to the teachers and we promptly sorted it. He knows it was a very mean thing they did but feels it will escalate if addressed. I will gently keep at it over the weekend though and I'm confident I will convince him.

I think this culture of 'roasting' and youtuber pranks has been detrimental and minimises bullying by giving it other names. This needs to be addressed as it's a real problem. Kids copy this shite.

The 'prank' was for your Ds to feel bad op. I get that your Ds is sensitive. I came on to the thread because my own are sensitive and I worry about their resilience however what you've described happened is downright cruel. What happens at school is very consuming and you can't switch off once you're home.

You support him by finding your inner tiger, seeing that he is being outrageously bullied and getting the school to get off its arse and sort it out. Copy of the bullying policy, meeting with the teacher, him knowing you always have his back
^this a million times. It might feel a bit hard at first but actually it can make a massive difference.

Can you afford a private assessment? His new school will need to put things in place to support your son, because he will need help forming friendships and might need an eye kept on him at break/lunch.

I work in a secondary school and we provide a quiet place for our Year 7 ASD boys to hang out, this helps with their anxiety.

Thank you, you have definitely encouraged me to be firmer with the school. As I said, they have been utterly useless in every way and a paper trail is important.

Thank you @Lemonroses that was a very helpful explanation of resilience and what we need to focus on.

That’s not a prank, that’s bullying, your poor son. I totally understand what you mean about not wanting him to stop opening up to you, this is a greater risk at secondary school as parents are that bit further removed from knowing the ins and outs of school life.

At this stage of the term, I’d be guided by how he wants to handle it. But going forward, I’d work on his self esteem so he can feel better about himself and recognise more easily when others are in the wrong, rather than blaming himself. What does he enjoy doing? What is he good at? Sport and extra curricular activities (Scouts etc) can be great for this, particularly when it broadens their friendship group so that if they’re having issues at school for example, they’ve got friends in other places to focus on.

I'm a primary school teacher and if my class behaved like this then I would have zero tolerance. Regardless of how long of school left there is, you need to talk to the teacher and escalate it to the senior team. It is bullying.

Is he ok to be left at home alone? Can you (and his dad if he's around) have some flexibility to be home for some of the day? If so, I'd not send him back to that primary school.

@HelpfulBelle he is currently being assessed under camhs. I have to say the team has been brilliant so far and arranged counselling separately for his anxiety.

@MagnoliaBeige yes he is a part of scouts but it has been inactive due to lockdown. He went to the park yesterday evening with his cousin to play football and that cheered him up. I will see if he can come over again today. He enjoys gaming but isn't interested due to the anxiety.