To ask how I can build emotional resilience in DC

[Ffsfgswth123]

Primary aged DC has anxiety and possible ASD. There was an incident at school midweek where the class pranked him by pretending not to be his friend and ignoring him for most of the day, and were calling him shorty, shortstuff etc.

It's really, really affected him and triggered a spike in his anxiety. He isn't eating (have a separate thread on this) and is extremely tired to the point he can't get out of bed this morning. He refused school after the incident despite learning it's a prank. DC is an extremely sensitive and empathic child, and would never do a mean prank like this on someone else. But how can I help him build emotional resilience, to help him understand there are mean kids out there who do shitty things and worse things in life will happen. He cannot let every little thing affect him so greatly.

The whole class were in on this? That's horrible, it's not a prank, that's bullying and the school should be made aware. Poor kid!
Aside from this incident, is it emotional resilience he needs to build or self confidence? There's a heavy overlap of course. How about some extra curricular activities, team sports where the team is not his school friends? Some other sport or activity that he can train at and progress to achievements? Or something outdoors, exploring? I had a young anxious nephew, his dad would take him on camping trips where nephew was in charge or everything, all decisions, choices, etc, of course the dad had prepped in advance so choices were sort of "planted" but nephew didn't know this. Also when a bit older he took cooking lessons which he turned out to be naturally good at and now at 12 he loves to be responsible for family meals a few times a week. So my advice, find his interest or natural skill and build confidence and resilience through doing well at something.

My grandson had anxiety issues and still does to a certain degree. He had some counselling with a child therapist and that helped. We also went through a few books about anxiety written for children, they were full of techniques to reduce anxiety. One in particular was about watering tomatoes, and I think we all benefitted from that! If you type in ‘kid’s worries’ into amazon they all come up. Its a process, but it can help.

Ffsfgswth123 What an absolutely vile thing for his peers to do. Been there. My DD is a young autistic adult and has no recollection of being at primary school.

Kids with AN are very often emotionally immature, their emotional age is often around two thirds of their chronological age, so anything like this is even worse in those circumstances and resilience can be very, very difficult to ensure.

Good luck with your journey through the assessment process, anxiety is a very common symptom of autism, the more anxious, the more the autistic traits tend to show because the child struggles to process what's going on. Do read as much as you can about autism and the different thinking processes involved, so you can understand what your reaction to a situation would be and what your son's would be.

@GenevieveLenard have you seen Purple Ella on youtube ? I (NT) have found that her explanations are often along the lines of 'as an autistic person I do X whereas an NT person would do Y because' and she's given me an insight into the 'Why' of some things my autistic DD does but cannot explain to me very well.

Luke Jackson has written a couple of good books explaining how teens and young people can navigate the NT world.

Blatant bullying, find another school if they don't sort it out.

When my DS was bullied, the primary school did nothing, it became my DS fault.
So we moved schools and never looked back, fantastic school, he thrived there.

My DS is also a lot happier at secondary school, there are more people there and he has definitely ‘found his tribe’. Primary school can be very small and limiting in that way.

I am glad to read you are having him assessed and hope the outcome enables the support your DS may need.

I think speaking to the teacher/school will help build resilience in him.

If school frames what happened as a prank, and you reinforce that idea, then he learns that these are things are just normal behaviour that you have to cheerfully put up with. They aren't. Deep in his soul he knows it's wrong as it upset him so much. When the message he gets from outside (prank) is so at odds with the message from inside (hurt) he loses confidence in his own instincts. On the other hand, if how he feels is backed up as valid then he can gain confidence and resilience, knowing that he can always trust his own feelings and that there will be someone who has his back, even when many around are shits.

@TenShortStories

I think speaking to the teacher/school will help build resilience in him.

If school frames what happened as a prank, and you reinforce that idea, then he learns that these are things are just normal behaviour that you have to cheerfully put up with. They aren't. Deep in his soul he knows it's wrong as it upset him so much. When the message he gets from outside (prank) is so at odds with the message from inside (hurt) he loses confidence in his own instincts. On the other hand, if how he feels is backed up as valid then he can gain confidence and resilience, knowing that he can always trust his own feelings and that there will be someone who has his back, even when many around are shits.

This is a really good explanation. Sometimes I see parents (not suggesting you’re one OP!) who basically tie themselves up in knots to avoid raising matters with the school and insist it’s just something the kid needs to deal with.

Resilience isn’t about teaching a child to cope with bullying. In this situation a spike in his anxiety levels sounds like the most emotionally, mentally healthy response he could possibly have - this demonstrating resilience. Supporting him to have a natural human response in the face of bullying will teach him that his emotions are trustworthy, which is an element of being resilient.

You taking this up with the school in the strongest possible terms teaches him that you are trustworthy. My child wouldn’t be setting foot back in the school until this had been addressed and resolved - awful behaviour. How did the teacher not notice the whole class excluding your child?

Another thing - by minimising what happened at school as a prank, and suggesting your child needs to be resilient enough to get on with it, you effectively place the source of the problem at his door rather than the people bullying him. I don’t think that was your intention at all but it’s worth thinking about the messages he gets about himself in all of this.

You also said in your OP “even once he discovered it was a prank” - who told him it was a prank, did that come from the kids involved, the school or your sense of what was going on?

Aw that was awful of the children. Really nasty.
I hate 'pranks' like this, it's just bullying dressed up.
Your son sounds great. If kicking a ball about with his cousin gives him a lift then I'd encourage that more.

Bullying is when things like this happen frequently, not just a one off. I can’t imagine a whole class of year 6 all going along with this either. There will always be a few children who wouldn’t think this was right.
I think you are right to build his resilience as it is so important and the school should be focusing on this too. But having resilience doesn’t mean they won’t feel the same emotions, they will just find a way to cope with them. You sound sensible and supportive, your ds is in good hands.

It wasn't a little thing though was it op? The class ignoring him as a prank is an absolutely disgusting thing to do. How do you think he should have reacted? If your workplace all ignored you for a joke all day would you be able to just shrug it off?

You need to support him and not minimise this incident. He has a right to be upset and know that that it will be dealt with. Talk to the school - this is bullying.

That was absolutely horrible of his class mates, if he is being assessed I'd go down the route of social stories, read up on emotional regulation dysfunction for tips
While my DS was assessed the psychiatrist said he'd has a disproportionate reaction to situations and had an emotional regulation disorder.
His classmates behaved terribly, I don't blame him feeling upset given his sensitivity it could knock him back miles.

I read the OP, and thought wow maybe I'm not very resilient either as I would have been really affected by that (even as an adult). That's hardcore bullying, not just one child being a dick but the entire class! I'd definitely be speaking to the school. I hope he's okay .

That is not a prank but bullying. I know your DS doesn't want you to say anything but you must flag this to school. You explain to your DS that over minor things you will not make a fuss to school but bullying is not minor and this needs to be dealt with. You are the adult and need to take charge.

Building resilience is a good idea over a one time unkind or thoughtless comment between children. However, your DS had been treated appalling and the perpetrators need to be pulled up on this.

That is truly awful, and I have no doubt that there are other dc in that class so trying about when it will happen to them.

Your ds might be more comfortable with you talking to the teacher if you frame it in that way - as helping prevent it happening to anyone else. It might also help him to think through what he could do if someone else was in this situation.

Not every child in that situation is a bully - but the bullies have far too much influence and power if everyone is scared to step out of line. As an adult that knows this is going on I think you should act.

Since you only have a few weeks left in the school you could use this as an opportunity to practice tackling the school hard. I’m guessing by the fact that your first instinct wasn’t to raze the school to the ground that you find these kinds of confrontations difficult. This is a brilliant opportunity to put yourself out of your comfort zone and hone up on skills that you may (but hopefully won’t) need in his new school. You have very little to lose at this point. And it sounds like they badly need a wake up call in how to support vulnerable students.

I have been busy keeping DS occupied, he becomes very clingy when anxious and I did not want him to see me posting on here. He hates me discussing his issues with anyone. But thank you to everyone who posted for being firm yet kind. I have read all posts and fully understand now that emotional resilience shouldn't be the priority but DS knowing he reacted how most people would in the face of being bullied and also that I have his back. A PP guessed correctly I am not the confrontational type but I agree it's abhorrent what the kids did to DS and I will be going into school tomorrow to report the incident and ask questions. I'm acutely aware of the bullying culture at the school, I have heard many stories over the years but one mum with a son in DS's year told me her son has been badly bullied since year 3. The bully once put a skipping rope around her son's neck but staff did nothing. This bully in many ways is like the instigator in DS's class, if anyone has seen the film Wonder there is a bully called Julian who comes across as charming in the same way as these two boys. They are privileged and adored by the staff but very sly in their bullying.

DS has eaten well today but was feeling anxious about tomorrow so I called his cousin and they are currently at the park. This cousin is one year older and at the secondary school DS will be attending so it will be nice for DS to have him there when he starts in September.

I spoke to DS again about the incident (he initiated it), and was told it wasn't the whole class involved but a large group of them. Whether a large group or all, it doesn't make a difference and it needs sorting.

Hi OP so sorry to read that the whole class has been mean to your son. I would be appalled at that and wanting to know what school would do about it. Hopefully when he gets to big school he will have a Senco and support and the chance to make new friends. For now I would go into the school and speak to the teacher and try to work out a way to move forwards. Do you have a Statement yet? Very helpful for school.

@ukholidaysaregreat he is still being assessed, he had the ADOS assessment last month and were told at some point soon we will be called in for a meeting to learn of their final decision. I am hopeful it will all be sorted by September so that he has the right support in place for secondary school.

He doesn’t need to learn to be more resilient - it’s not his fault that other children are being horrible. You need to be a parent here and defend him, not feel like he has a responsibility in this. Even a ‘resilient’ child would have found that behaviour distressing. Please speak to the teacher.

Hi op, sorry to hear this has happened to your child. The prank defo sounds more bullying. What a horrible thing for him to go through.
Our eldest is a but younger but primary too. He also has potential ASD. We started him on kung Fu to help with the emotional resilience and he loves it. It's something they do in isolation but in a group. It teaches you about defending yourself in a positive manner. If you are in the south east PM and I can send you the details.

Good luck and hope your lovely child has a much better week at school. X

Have you been in touch with the school OP?

Hi yes @iggly I had a strong word with DS's teacher yesterday, who has reassured me school will sort it. I have told him if it continues or escalates I will take DS out of school for the remaining period because his mental health is more important to me than anything else. I have also spoken to his secondary school about keeping the bullies (that will also be going there) be put in a separate class. It didn't sound promising as the head of year told me the classes had been organized but she would see what she could do. But she said provisions were in placed to help the new year settle in and bullying is absolutely not tolerated.

So we'll see what happens.

My college aged DNephew who is 6'2 and in the local rugby team has offered to accompany me at pick up time and have a word with the bullies. I said I will keep it in mind.

DS is still quiet, teary and withdrawn but he knows he has a lot of support and isn't alone.

@Mikethenight2good that's a great idea and I'm so glad it's helping your DS. We are not in the SE but I have been checking local junior martial art clubs for DS, there are a few good ones so we will take him along if circumstances allow (It doesn't seem like they're fully open due to rising Covid cases in the local area).