To ask how I can build emotional resilience in DC

[Ffsfgswth123]

Primary aged DC has anxiety and possible ASD. There was an incident at school midweek where the class pranked him by pretending not to be his friend and ignoring him for most of the day, and were calling him shorty, shortstuff etc.

It's really, really affected him and triggered a spike in his anxiety. He isn't eating (have a separate thread on this) and is extremely tired to the point he can't get out of bed this morning. He refused school after the incident despite learning it's a prank. DC is an extremely sensitive and empathic child, and would never do a mean prank like this on someone else. But how can I help him build emotional resilience, to help him understand there are mean kids out there who do shitty things and worse things in life will happen. He cannot let every little thing affect him so greatly.

From what you say there's nothing wrong with his emotional resilience. He has anxiety and possibly ASD. On top of that he has not been supported in school,bullied ,has struggled for years. Yet he gets up every day,he goes in, he still socialises.

The kid is stronger than you think. Of course he can't just shrug off whole class bullying him for an entire day. Neither could you in the work place.

Instead of focusing on what he's not doing, you should celebrate and appreciate that he's still functioning and getting up and doing things despite the terribly shitty hand(school and peers) he's been dealt.

Your poor poor son. That’s absolutely awful. I remember when I was at primary school the bully spent one lunch hour making sure no-one talked to me. It was almost 40 years ago, I’m pretty emotionally resilient, but I still remember the feeling I had, and what you’ve described brings it back to me.

No-one should have to put up with such horrible collective behaviour from their classmates. And at yr 6 they are old enough to know how unacceptable what they did was.

Please report it to the school.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose You're right. I feel a little teary after reading that because he is much stronger than I realize.

As others have said that is really horrible bullying NOT a prank - so horrible it has its own name based on punishment- your son was "sent to Coventry"

I had this done as a (grieving & therefore different) child & it was soul destroying knowing that no only did some people hate you this much they also discussed it with others & made a plan. It is not a little thing.

No one intervened in my case please show your DS that you're on his side by fighting for him that's where resilience comes from - a secure base of love & safety (& he must feel it because he felt able to tell you about it)

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons I've not heard that expression before but it saddens me it must be done widely enough to be even given a name. And I'm sorry you had to also face that.

You are all right of course. It is bullying and I need to protect my DS even if he feels intervening will cause problems for him. Some of these kids will be joining him in secondary school so best to nip it in the bud now.

Agree with many others - this was horrible, it was bullying and should be addressed with the school, in the long run it will be positive for your son as he will see you have his back always. Keep gently talking it through with him over the weekend and do your very best to help him own this decision himself. It will be empowering for him.

My son has worked hard to understand what triggers him and why other kids have sometimes focussed on winding him up over the years and how he can avoid reacting to it. Emotional resilience is so important and takes a lot of work for some!

for you x

Sport can be good for building general resilience, partly because it's good for children to feel good at something, and partly to know that you lose a match and the sky doesn't fall in

Thank you @DollyBantry I'm glad your son has learnt how to avoid reacting to such behaviour. DS told me they did it to another boy the day before but only for about an hour. He wasn't bothered so they dropped the act. DS is visibly affected when sad or upset and I'm guessing the class continued for this reason in a sadist sort of way.

This is so sad to read, your poor DS If your child is a bully PLEASE sort it out - it can destroy people’s lives.

@notanothertakeaway yes DS enjoys a kick around at the park and school but isn't part of a proper team. Playing sports isn't his strongest point. Gaming otoh he told me so many in his class were in awe of his latest YouTube gaming video upload.

[quote Ffsfgswth123]@AccidentallyOnPurpose You're right. I feel a little teary after reading that because he is much stronger than I realize.[/quote]
I know. It's really hard to remember the positive and the strength they have when we are bombarded with the effects of anxiety and "lack of" (sleeping,eating etc) every day.

He's doing well. You're doing great. The school have massively failed him and probably contributed a lot to his anxiety and triggers.

The fact that he is so affected by this is a reflection of his sensitivity and humanity. It's not a failure on your part, or his.

One way of building resilience is to face facts and not allow him to be unsure of what has happened. This isn’t a ‘prank’, it is bullying by the stronger members of the class and allowing and following by the weaker members. Being told it was a joke or prank and he’s the one who is somehow foolish for not recognizing this and going along with his own victimization won’t help him and will leave him more vulnerable.

I’ll probably get slated for this and don’t wish to add to your problems but what’s happening here is almost certainly the ritual separating out into the whose cool and uncool in time for secondary school. It’s something that happens every year especially when there is fear by the NT kids of being placed in a new school class ‘next to your (non NT) ‘friend’ from primary.’ I don’t know if it’s ‘proving they’re in a different category’ or trying to ensure the non NT presenting classmate doesn’t expect public friendship, but it goes on every year.

If he has undiagnosed ASD and has been quietly battling through, then it would be unsurprising that he has anxiety. I’d be really surprised if he didn't tbh, but if that's the case and all the focus has been on the anxiety as the primary problem rather than the secondary symptom, then he's done well to get this far without cracking.

He already has resilience, just probably some maladption to survive.
I'd be finding that inner tiger too and focusing him firmly on everything he is able in and bolstering his sense of self and value and if appropriate, teaching him how NT people think.

My Ds used to wear a tee shirt that said "Just remember, you depend on Geeks for your games designs."

What an awful thing to do to him. I think you need to go to the head on Monday morning and raise hell about this seemingly concerted effort to bully and gas light your DS, and spell out how this has fuelled existing anxieties. What a set of shits they must be to do this.
I think this needs an extremely robust reaction from the school.
I really hope he gets a fresh start away from these kids at high school.

Hi Op,

Just to chip in and echo what others have said really.
You promised your son you wouldn’t tell the teacher, so I think it would be helpful to have another chat with him to say you’ve been thinking about it and the way he has been treated is not okay and as his Mum it’s your job to keep him safe from harm - bullying/pranking like that is harmful. Perhaps ask him what he’s worried about by telling the teacher, the other kids finding out? Try to find solutions to the worries together.

Also wanna echo the sports/activities outside of school that give him the opportunity to socialise/team play/ win/lose and feel part of something where everyone has the same goal. Other activities might be something like local scouts, dance, theatre - depends what his natural interests are.

Emotional literacy is so so important. Especially more so if you feel your son might be ASC. Perhaps try some activities at home to help him understand his feelings/emotions. Body mapping is a great one, where you draw around him a big piece of paper and use different colours to colour/draw where in the body he feels different emotions. Giving children, especially neurodiverse, time to understand and identify those feelings is the first step (I believe) to building resilience.
Being able to sit with the washing machine tummy and say oh would you look at that, my body is feeling worried about something it’s time to talk to a trusted adult now.

I would recommend the starving the anxiety gremlin books for accessible CBT activities you can do at home together. Also, in his new school I would ask if there is a mental health support team there as there has been a national roll out of educational mental health practitioners that work in schools to deliver CBT. Worth a shot, much luck to you both

[quote Ffsfgswth123]@notanothertakeaway yes DS enjoys a kick around at the park and school but isn't part of a proper team. Playing sports isn't his strongest point. Gaming otoh he told me so many in his class were in awe of his latest YouTube gaming video upload.[/quote]
How close was the recent video upload to this horrible bullying incident happening? Did he do the upload before or after? If it was before it could be the reason why it happened. If one of the kids in class was jealous because he was getting attention for the upload which is why they picked such a specific form of bullying and went to the effort to get everyone in class to ignore your DS.

@Elleherd I think learning how NT people think would be very useful for me! Is there something written down somewhere? It never occurred to me that there would be..

I think this culture of 'roasting' and youtuber pranks has been detrimental and minimises bullying by giving it other names. Yes, it used to be so called 'banter' then filming it to 'share the bants' and before that it was getting the ‘weird’ kid to see they were being weird by their own reactions.
'Sending someone to Coventry' was originally a way for children to show their feelings about what another child had done, but became refusing to tolerate who another child was or how they presented.
This has always gone on wherever schools, teachers and parents have allowed it to be sanitized and called something else. Social media has just allowed it to leave the playground.

GenevieveLenard I'm really sorry I don't know. I hope someone else might?
I have spent years unpicking and translating NT assumptions and social rules for people with ASD and LD's, and live as the supposedly NT member of a non NT family and despite it every day remains a school day in realizing that most of our problems are communication misunderstandings and assumptions.

A prank or banter is something which the recipient finds funny.
If the recipient doesn't find it funny then it isn't a prank.

My DD2 (and probably DD1 though she wouldn't have noticed it) was a recipient of widespread low level meanness/bullying in secondary. But almost always stuff with 'plausible deniability' e.g. 'Nice bag'

That's awful. And that goes beyond pranking. Similar happened in my DDs friend circle where they all decided to act like she was invisible and even blocked her number on their phones. That kind of group bullying is abhorrent. I'm really not surprised your DS has reacted the way he has. Have you spoken to the school?

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

From what you say there's nothing wrong with his emotional resilience. He has anxiety and possibly ASD. On top of that he has not been supported in school,bullied ,has struggled for years. Yet he gets up every day,he goes in, he still socialises.

The kid is stronger than you think. Of course he can't just shrug off whole class bullying him for an entire day. Neither could you in the work place.

Instead of focusing on what he's not doing, you should celebrate and appreciate that he's still functioning and getting up and doing things despite the terribly shitty hand(school and peers) he's been dealt.

Yes, this. I was about to say that this is a strong kid, and you should focus not on what he needs to do to cope better but on what the school can do to address the bullying.

Just reading through the replies lots of great advice and suggestions, particularly the body mapping one. I will definitely be going through all the posts again properly when I am free later. Taking DS and baby to the park and a picnic although he isn't feeling up to it. I think it will do him good to get some fresh air.

Your poor son- what a horrible way for his classmates to behave.
Yes, secondary school can be a good reset for many children, so it's good he's looking forward to that.
There is a book named Bullies, Bigmouths, and so-called friends by Jenny Alexander that explores these type of issues, including when and how to step away from "friends" that aren't. It's aimed at children your son's age, and my children both found it helpful. Talking about how friends treat one another, and how to be a good friend has been invaluable for my children who both have asd. Do you use social stories with him at all?

I would also
Make a point of speaking to his secondary school to explain as well. They will offer additional help support and services. Hopefully this change will be the breath of fresh air he needs.

That’s bloody awful and would upset the most resilient person adult or child. I would go politely mental with the school.

Secondary may actually be better friends with slightly vulnerable sons have been pleasantly surprised that they find “their tribe” at secondary and are much happier than at primary