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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to discourage my daugter's friendship with bossy, name-calling child?

83 replies

Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:09

My daughter (just) had a school friend over for the first time last week, at her own request. Said friend is nearly 3 and speaks French well, better than my daughter, but no English.

During lunch, sitting opposite her at table, this little girl called my daughter names "Espèce de ver de terre" (= "you earthworm"), "Espèce de timido" (= "scaredy cat"). I was horrified and told the little girl that she shouldn't do that.

While the two of them were playing, the other child was very bossy and also kept coming to see me to tell me that my daughter was refusing to share her toys with her.

I was not impressed and don't want to encourage this friendship. My daughter is, however, quite keen on this child.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:09

just three

OP posts:
EricL · 20/11/2007 15:12

You can't dictate who they are friends with. We have tried and failed this in the past.

She will realise this herself as she gets to know more kids and i'm sure she will make her own mind up to be with the kids that are nice to her.

My 3 year old had a dodgy best buddy a while ago but she has moved onto the nicer ones now she has more experience.

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:14

I agree that I cannot tell her not to be friends with this child.

However, should I refuse to have her back to play? Can I refuse the return invitation?

OP posts:
karen999 · 20/11/2007 15:15

Girls can tend to be bossy! My eldest is bossy but she also has bossy friends so that can make for interesting afternoons when she has her friends round. She is now 8 and is far less bossy. Usually they are just trying to express themselves and 3 is still quite young. I would enourage the friendship. My dd argued and fell out with her 'best friend' all the time, till they were about 5. They are now the greatest of pals as they are more mature and understand the word compromise! I would not worry about it too much, although I would let the said child know that you do not allow or tolerate name calling etc. She will soon get the message.

ConnorTraceptive · 20/11/2007 15:16

She's only 3 a bit too young to have her social skills judged and her card marked imo.

2shoes · 20/11/2007 15:17

wow yabu.

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:17

karen999 - thanks.

Actually, the name calling and the general way the little girl spoke to me and my daughter was more unattractive than the bossiness - my daughter is no limp lily and is pretty assertive with her family. But we are not rude to one another. I hate that name calling rudeness and was really shocked to hear it from a two year old.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 20/11/2007 15:18

I would actually invite her over again and use it as an opportunity to teach your own daughter how to be confident against bossy children and deal with name calling.

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:20

Connor - she's too young to understand.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 20/11/2007 15:21

I agree. Three is very young to be judging her behaviour. With regard to the toy-sharing, I would imagine it's only natural that a child of that age would have something to say about it. In her own mind, I'm sure she believes she's doing the right thing by telling an adult that someone else isn't 'sharing.'

karen999 · 20/11/2007 15:23

The other child may not get picked up at home for rudeness, but if you invite her over and let her see that it is unnacceptable then she may learn a thing or two from you! You may be actually helping this child in the long run as now is the time to try and teach children those kind of things. Otherwise she may always be like this and actually end up with no friends. I would allow your daughter to go and play at her house. It sounds to me that you daughter knows how to behave and I am sure that if she went and did not enjoy it she would let you know.

TheStepfordChav · 20/11/2007 15:25

If you refuse the return invitation, your dd will only see you stopping her playing with her friend as some sort of punishment.

I would continue to tell the friend 'We don't call each other names' & try to be freindly to her. Maybe she's being assertive 'cos she can't be at home.

We had one 8 yr old boy over for tea who stood up at the table & spat food across the room (as a game - not a judgement on my cooking!) Luckily DS decided he didn't want to invite him again. (When the boy's mum called to collect him, & asked if he'd been good, I found myself saying 'Yes' with a smile like this - shows what a coward I am!)

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:26

karen999 - yes, you may well be right, I should let my daughter go to the return invite and see how she gets on.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 20/11/2007 15:26

How old is she?

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:29

Connor - my daughter is just three (ten days ago) and has absolutely never been exposed to name calling unless at school, where obviously I don't know what goes on - only I strongly suspect (am sure, in fact) her rather severe class teacher would not allow name-calling in her presence. I'm not actually at all sure my daughter understood the names the other little girl used. The other little girl will be three at the end of December - don't you think that is a bit small for name-calling? The other child has no older brothers or sisters, and is cared for during the day outside school at her grandparents' house by a nanny, who also cares for her younger cousin.

OP posts:
hoxtonchick · 20/11/2007 15:33

my 2.5 year old does a fine line in poo-head, bum-head & ham-head (her own personal invention).... she does have an older brother though. she has rather an active social life!

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:34

hoxtonchick - gosh .

My daughter's older stepbrothers call her Chérie (darling)...

OP posts:
oliveoil · 20/11/2007 15:35

dd1 and dd2 call each other a variety of things, stinky head seems to be the favourite atm

3 is a little young to be expecting polite manners and chit chat imo

hoxtonchick · 20/11/2007 15:36

oh, ds & dd are fabulous together. they just like trading insults .

Earlybird · 20/11/2007 15:37

Does the little girl have older siblings? Possibly they inflict this behaviour on her, and therefore she thinks it is OK? I'd just firmly tell her that it's unkind, and that you don't speak to others that way.

I think it is challenging for only children to deal with the normal amount of 'conflict' (bossy, non-sharing etc) they'd be exposed to everyday if they were interacting with a sibling.

Bundle · 20/11/2007 15:37

dd1 takes register (dd2 patiently chimes: yes Miss) with various bum-obsessed names: wee-wee, poo poo, bum cheeks, farty, bottom..ad nauseum

ConnorTraceptive · 20/11/2007 15:38

I don't know at what age name calling is normal TBH. DS is 2.6 and we talk about saying kind things and not making someone feel sad.

I have a low tolerance for rudeness in children too but I think you could be a positive influence on the girl. I think it's important for children to learn how to behave in other peoples houses. If like you say her class teacher would not tolerate name calling show her that you don't either and she will soon learn.

Original poster
Anna8888 · 20/11/2007 15:38

hoxtonchick - oh I'm sure they adore each other, it just gets demonstrated in different ways.

We have slobbery kisses, cuddles and hair fondling .

OP posts:
minouminou · 20/11/2007 15:39

my friend's little girl came up with the classic "pulu-fish weewee-head" insult at around this age
i'd be wondering, though, anna, where this girl is getting "earthworm" and "scaredy-cat" from - or is it not desperately unusual round your way? is it a regional thing?
i still remember the look of shock on a couple of people's faces when i called DS "sodpot", which is perfectly acceptable for kids and critters oop north, but is apparently a no-no round here.
(I still use it, though)

karen999 · 20/11/2007 15:40

IME name-calling, bossiness etc are all part of kids expressing themselves. My dd was an only child for 7 years and so was used to not sharing. When friends came round she would get upset with them playing with her toys. I tried to explain that if dd was not nice to them then they would not come again. She was about 3 also when this kind of thing started happening. I was reassured however as I knew that some of her friends acted just the same way when she went to visit them. Its just a 'stage' and does not last forever. It obviously gets easier the older they get. Your dd has the advantage of being treated respectfully and lovlingly by her step-brother. Perhaps the said child has never experienced this and this is why I would encourage you to see how their friendship develops. You may be surprised and find that they are still friends in years to come....