to want to discourage my daugter's friendship with bossy, name-calling child?

[Anna8888]

My daughter (just) had a school friend over for the first time last week, at her own request. Said friend is nearly 3 and speaks French well, better than my daughter, but no English.

During lunch, sitting opposite her at table, this little girl called my daughter names "Espèce de ver de terre" (= "you earthworm"), "Espèce de timido" (= "scaredy cat"). I was horrified and told the little girl that she shouldn't do that.

While the two of them were playing, the other child was very bossy and also kept coming to see me to tell me that my daughter was refusing to share her toys with her.

I was not impressed and don't want to encourage this friendship. My daughter is, however, quite keen on this child.

What do you think?

Anna your DD's stepbrothers are much older than her. They will hopefully (if not, God help the rest of us) be well past the poo poo head stage which hits at 3-4 and goes on for a few years.

Sorry they are half brothers aren't they.

Earlybird - this other little girl is an only child (but spends a lot of time with a younger cousin in the care of a nanny).

My daughter has two very boisterous but also very adoring older brothers and spends an awful lot of time with older children, so she is pretty assertive and self-confident. For example, this weekend we were at a party of about 120 people, she was the youngest person there and she managed to eat dinner on her own at a table of children she didn't know and spend hours on the dance floor (until midnight).

She sounds perfect! I hope when dd2 reaches that age that she meets someone just like your dd! Hopefully with second children they are better at sharing....dd2 also has the benefit of a big sister who adores her and spends time with her.

Yes, I know that children do name call. I was just very surprised at this little girl doing it quite so young, and blatantly in front of me at table. Where did she learn that was OK?

it's the earthworm bit that gets me....... just doesn't sound very nice at all - unless she's getting it from an older child

I think the blatantly in front of you bit is precisely because she is so young. But I agree with your action in stamping on it straightaway.

maybe something is being lost in translation but a two year old is just trying out words and these kind of silly insults are pretty common behaviour, she has obviously heard them somewhere. To imply that she is being aggressive or vicious or trying to hurt your dd's feelings is a bit OTT, no girl of this age has that level of understanding. she is just repeating words!
as for the bossy behaviour, that really is incredibly common, in fact universal. all two and three year olds find it hard to share, and we tell them all the time to tell a grown up if they need help.
If you don't like the girl, then don't have her back by all means but tbh I think you are making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Well, hc, I'm afraid your children can no longer be considered suitable playmates for my children.

A cautionary tale, though, re judging: When dd1 was about 6 I heard her having a secret giggly conversation with a friend in her bedroom. Accidentally-on-purpose listening in, I heard dd1 regaling said friend, who was slightly younger, with a series of mildly smutty nonsense, culminating in 'he sexed her, hee hee hee'.

When questioned afterwards it turned out she had no idea of what any of it meant, had just heard it at school and was wheeling it out to impress her friend.

I would presume this other child has heard that kind of talk somewhere else, been impressed by its potential for attention-gaining and decided to try it herself. It could just as easily be your child shocking another child's mum -- you have no control over what they hear in the playground.

harpsi - I haven't implied any such thing anywhere .

I don't like rudeness. This child's behaviour falls very short of the standards of behaviour we have in our family. That's what it's about.

minouminou - yes, I'd never ever heard the "Espèce de ver de terre" insult before. Not nice to my ears, but who knows where it came from?

i shall reprimand dd severely frogs .

I don't like rudeness either and I would gently but firmly inform said child that name calling is a no-no in your house and explain why. Your house your rules.

I would only stop your daughter from developing the friendship if the girl was seriously vile, abusive and destructive. She is not so allow the frienship. Your daughter is going to meet all sorts of people in life and she needs to learn that not everybody lives by the same standards as her own family.

Good luck!

You weren't having spaghetti for dinner were you? My youngest used to refuse to eat this because it looked like worms!!

Anna I have children round nearly every week who's behaviour I do not allow from my own children. DS had a friend round last night, who was up and down from the table and eating with his fingers which I would not allow from DD. But he is a nice boy and, in a lot of ways, a positive influence on my DS.

well, you said it was rude and you were shocked and horrified, which is a bit strong about a two year old just repeating things.
I don't really get why you are so shocked and why you don't want the little girl to come and play again tbh

Hmmm I too think that you are probably over-reacting, and it seems far too early to write this other girl off for life as a potential friend for your dd (which is essentially what you're doing) based on bossiness and less than perfect manners on one visit when she was under three.

I wonder how you would feel if your dd happened to have an 'experimenting with calling someone a poo-head' day when visiting another child and she is written off by that child's parents in the same way, never to be invited again?

Unless your dd was upset then I don't really think it's an issue.

The "she won't share" thing is completely normal (was you dd sharing?). As is the experimental name-calling (and they don't sound outrageously bad, unless I'm missing something in the translation).

I would relax and just see how it goes.

I have to say it's because of scenarios like this - actual or perceived "rudeness", developmental unreadiness to share, bossiness etc - that imo most rising threes and just-threes are actually a little young for playdates without their own parent or carer also being present.

I agree with you actually miobombino. DD is 3.9 and I have her friends round by themselves now, but they have all been here before with their parents often.

If your dd wants to be friends I'd let it continue. I have a general policy of not intefering in my children's friendships. Unless serious emotional or physical injury likely

Yes ! Similar here; ds3 is 3.10 and although I'd hesitate to say I enjoyed playdates, they are usually OK. Ds knows he has to share, and usually (!) the guests know not to remind us every 2 minutes that they are the guest and can therefore take whatever toy they want from ds etc etc...

Children, eh ?

Only a year or 2 to go before ds and his friends disappear upstairs, not disturbing me at all except for food...

miobombino - actually, I agree that they are too young. The reason it arose was because of the strikes here in Paris last week - it probably would never have happened otherwise. But this particular child will never have a parent/carer with her during the week because her parents work long hours and the nanny also cares for a younger cousin and is actually really an employee of the grandparents, so not free to accompany the little girl anywhere on her own.

I'm not sure my daughter will want to go on a return playdate anyway. We'll see.

januaryGreatfun - well, she definitely doesn't have that vocabulary yet and she doesn't call names. So it's not going to arise at present.

Sounds like entirely normal behaviour for a three-year-old. You could try telling her off, but in my experience paying any attention to this sort of name calling (telling off, laughing at or even copying) only encourages it! She probably picked it up in the playground from older children - at my son's maternelle those sort of insults are common currency (I don't imagine the teachers would condone it, but I wouldn't think even their regimented approach to teaching three-year-olds extends to monitoring conversation dans la cour). Give the girl a chance - her visits to your house a probably a welcome glimpse of family life for a child in the constant care of a nou nou (sadly all too common in Paris imo).