Fat shamed at the pool

[haveibeencaughtout]

I was in our local outdoor pool this evening with my DD. It's a big pool with sun loungers and a water park for kids. I got chatting to another mother. Her daughter was the same age as mine and had a mermaid cozzie on. I asked her where she got it from. Chat, chat, chat, blah, blah, blah. I was just being nice because that's what you do.

The girl then said, "Why haven't you got a man?" We laughed about it.

The mother got out of the pool and went to talk to her partner. She left her DD with me. The child had no armbands on. I was a bit miffed. The lifeguard came over and kept an eye on things. The mother and father took selfies for about 5 minutes.

Anyway, about three-quarters of an hour later, I got out of the pool with DD to go home and I was walking to get our stuff from our lounger (which happened to be next to where this family was set up).

As I was walking, this woman's husband shouted to his wife, "Hey! Now I know why!" She couldn't hear him, so he repeated it and his mate laughed while he said, "Do you get it? Do you know what I'm saying?"

For context, English isn't spoken here and he heard me speaking English to my DD, so I think he thought I didn't understand. As I approached, I tried to glare at him. I sat on the lounger and tried to pluck up the courage to say something. I then took my DD to get dressed and had a little cry in the car and wondered if I should sit and wait for them to come out. I've obviously thought of a million things I could say to him since.

Anyway, I'm really upset about it. I am very overweight. I've lost 15 kilos recently, but still have a long way to go. It's the truth. I'm fat. I don't look good in a swimming costume. But it takes a lot of courage to put that to one side to take my DD (aged 3) swimming. I didn't do it for the first year of her life and felt so guilty about it. We go once a week now and she loves it. She swims like a little fish and I feel awful about not doing it sooner.

If I see him again, should I say something? There's a good chance I will see them there again. AIBU for feeling so down? I just feel like I don't want to go back. I feel shit about myself. I was feeling quite positive about life this afternoon and now I'm all teary.

She asked a complete stranger 'Why haven't you got a man'.

How does she know 'You haven't got a man. We're not all permanently joined to our partners. Some of can actually be with out them for a minute.
How does she know you "want" a man. There are such things as being single and content. Not every women yearns to have a man draped off her arm.
How does she know you're into men. You could be a lesbian or Asexual for all she knows.
Most importantly How does she know you haven't been widowed.

I wouldn't even ask my closest friend such personal questions.
Let alone some I just started talking to. I can only assume she's very rude or wrong in the bonce. Your average person doesn't ask or is even remotely interested in a strangers love life.

As for him 'Mr Now you know Why!!!!!!!!. Is he some sort Adonis that stops traffic and charms birds out of the trees. . If he's going to put people down he'd firstly better make sure he's damn perfect.

Oh and why were you used as a,baby sitter. You should have told them to get up off their "perfect little butts and see to their child.
I went off on a tangent there. I hate people being put down. WTF are they.

He’s a dick. It says everything about him and nothing about you. You a magnificent - a great mum and taking control of your life. Forget that twat. He’s not worth your brain space.

I'm sorry you experienced this OP. Most of us have been there no matter what size. When I was 23 I worked in media with some awful misogynists and overheard one of them say they would send me out to get coffee as 'her thighs could use the exercise'. I had always been paranoid about my legs being where my weight goes but looking back I was so slim at that age!

I cried when I got home too, but my sister pointed out that men just say that sort of thing to show off to each other and don't give it a second thought.

DH even comments on beautiful women on screen with stuff like 'I can't bear black eyebrows with blonde hair'. I think he is often deflecting the fact he fancies them

Don’t let idiots like this spoil your day, OP. Have fun with your DD and forget him. I pity his wife.

No no no! He didn’t fat shame you because you have nothing to ashamed about. Do activities you want to do with no shame, other people’s small minded opinions are irrelevant to you.

Also, I hate people calling themselves fat, your body weight isn’t what defines you, you will have all these wonderful traits and quirks alongside these you have a body that holds fat, different bodies hold different amounts of fat, there’s more to you than that so please don’t let it be the first thing you think about yourself.

It's interesting that these so called "big hard tough men" only mock women.
You never hear them mocking other blokes.

I dont understand.. a young child asks you why you don't have a man and more than 45 minutes later you assume their comment is about you, rather than something they could have been talking about at any other point?

Bless you. It’s unbelievable that there are people out there like this; I bet he’s a real bastard to live with.
There’s you putting your child first and doing a lovely activity together and you’ve had to put up with that. It’s absolutely disgusting. Anyway, don’t let it put you off.

Anyone decent wouldnt be thinking well of him, trust me.

And 15 kilos? Flipping heck thats amazing.

@milkytwilight

I dont understand.. a young child asks you why you don't have a man and more than 45 minutes later you assume their comment is about you, rather than something they could have been talking about at any other point?

It's obviously one of those situations you had to be there to know. As none of us were it's not really fair for people to keep questioning. If people can't understand that these situations can and do happen then maybe it's best just to not post.

Funnily enough my first thought was Italy too. I was fat shamed there when I was 19 and 9 stone!

They must have been talking about you beforehand for the little girl to have asked you why you didn't have a man. You're not being paranoid they were being mean about you. Absolute arsehole.

So which country is it?

Such a positive role model for your daughter, don't let some pathetic, miserable twatheads stop you from being that

So because I asked for clarification you're saying I don't understand that these situations can happen? Dont be ridiculous.
The OP says the child asked why she didn't have a man, everyone continued with their swimming etc and 45 minutes later one of the blokes says "I know why." I'm trying to work out why the OP would assume that's about her..45 minutes had passed, surely they could have been talking about something else by that point?

She asked a complete stranger 'Why haven't you got a man'.

The 3 year old asked.

Oh it was the child that asked. I thought it was the wife. He’s still an arse hole though.
I’m not taking that back

Haters gonna hate 🤷‍♀️ Some sad losers think mocking others is funny. It’s entirely a reflection of them and nothing to do with you. If you weren’t at the pool, chances are he’d have picked on someone else to take the piss out of for some other random reason.

I suppose you had to be there. I've not written it well. It was about me. If you'd been there, you'd have known it was about me. It was the unusualness of the girl's question. We all thought it was funny. The mum then got back in the pool and didn't leave. There was no other conversation. Or anyone else at that side of the pool. It was a joke. About me. About my weight being the reason I don't have a man. It wasn't about my face, or personality or nationality or politics. He was laughing at my weight.

Well done for getting out there and exercising even though you don’t have much body confidence at the moment. As a dietitian I know that many overweight people let other people’s gaze shame them into excluding themselves from the very activities which help them get healthy. Don’t let a bunch of rude and vulgar people people stop you getting out there. FWIW I’m pretty sure you were being fat shamed/ mocked and I don’t think you’re imagining it.

We live in France.

OP if your dd came home from playgroup and said a boy had said he didn't like her hair or a girl had said she didn't like her dress, what would you say to her?

Hopefully like the majority on this thread you'd tell her that other people's opinions of the way you look don't matter and that what they say reflects back on them not you.

Now teach yourself that too

He's a jerk who cares what he said

I'm not quite sure I understand the story and if you can be sure if he was talking about you but if he was, he's a total idiot.

Well done on losing 15 kilos. That's absolutely fantastic.

Honestly. That poor child is going to turn out fucked up. What small child asks an adult “why don’t you have a man” what kind of home life is she living. What is she hearing. That’s scary.
Thank god your daughter isn’t like that.

The man is a cunt, and clearly his friend thinks he is too. In fact probably everyone does.

What language were you speaking when you were talking to the mother and daughter in the pool?

PS the family is also completely awful for leaving you for 45 minutes with a daughter with no arm bands on .If that's what indeed happened.

This ^^

I had a bloke on a bike shout about my fat arse. I’m size 12. Some people are just shitty and he wouldn’t have said anything had you been with a robust looking bloke. His issue not yours. Twat.