DP called me a harridan yesterday - how to react?

[giletrouge]

My partner called me a harridan yesterday. I’m really upset but haven’t said anything because I wanted to think it through. This is what – from my point of view – happened. He’s WFH, I’m retired but do a lot of writing and other stuff so consider this also to be ‘work’ of some kind (personal work) We’re both beyond retirement age. Just giving you context and explaining that we’re both at home all the time.

So he’s at his desk and I go upstairs (he works on a landing) just sorting out washing, and he says he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns. I find it – immediately and exactly where I expected it to be, with the dressing gowns on the back of the door – so I go and give it to him, make a very mild sarcastic comment (something like, well there it was, with the dressing gown!) and as I walk away he says something that includes him calling me a harridan. I carried on doing what I was doing as it sunk in.

I’ve got no idea what he’s even referring to. He’s not stupid and I do talk a lot about feminism, so he can’t possibly not know that the word harridan would be received by me as a ghastly misogynistic insult. Or can he? Is it just his way of saying I’m a bit grumpy?

Should I let it go or say something? I feel really, really upset. He’s usually a very good man but I feel like I’ve been having these kind of conversations for fifty years now and I’m so tired. I can barely speak to him today because I feel like I’ll either cry or blow up. Help!

''Harridan'' sounds so awful though doesn't it? But why don't people know the word - are they very young so has it slipped though their education system - like a lot of other things?

Definitely an insult. I’d call him an immature twat back and tell him to find his own shit in future

@tara66

''Harridan'' sounds so awful though doesn't it? But why don't people know the word - are they very young so has it slipped though their education system - like a lot of other things?

Very few schools teach Insult Studies these days.

I think his dressing gown belts, all of them, might suddenly end up in a reasonable but gosh, how did they get there I wonder, place.

In with tea towels.

At the bottom of the washing basket.

Underneath the spare sheets.

Hanging up on the hook on the door of the spare room.

Fate works in a mysterious way, Hecate, it really does.

It's an old fashioned word, not used much. He's a bit of an old relic, isn't he? I would have laughed.

I would just say 'I was really upset last night that you called me a harridan.'

It was obviously due to the sarcastic/patronising way you spoke to him though so personally I would just have laughed at his comeback and said something like 'if you didn't have a bossy old woman to keep you in line you'd never be able to find anything.' It sounds though like you're concerned there might be something more behind it?

@tara66

''Harridan'' sounds so awful though doesn't it? But why don't people know the word - are they very young so has it slipped though their education system - like a lot of other things?

the old-fashion education system seems to have be short on teaching common sense and thinking, doesn't sound that superior.

@fashionablefennel

blacksax

and how would anyone know about the way people use that word without asking?

You are trying to appear clever, but failing miserably.

Come on now this is disingenuous surely.

First port of call when you don't know a word or unsure of one is a dictionary/ thesaurus of course it is.

As pp said it's just a couple of finger taps away anyway? = about the same time it takes to type and ask randoms on MN.

I’d have wordlessly taken back the belt and popped it casually in the farthest bin. If asked about it later I’d have smilingly said ‘no good deed goes unpunished, find your own stuff from now on. Or rebuy it, in this case.’

But I’m a gorgon. Call me a harridan, I’ll show you your error.

KarensGobbyChops

you are the one being disingenuous.

someone googling and coming up with "how rude" will always be met with "how dare you, it's not rude but it's used as a term of endearment in my neck of the world".

Some posters seem to forget that non-native English speakers can struggle with some of the subtleties of your language.

Being rude and superior about it just makes the poster look like a twat.

Well I don't just speak English and I always go to the dictionary first then check colloquialisms. I'm aware of the nuances. At the same time I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression from my post.

People perceive/ interpret words differently - harridan to me isn't a particularly strong word, more amusing and innocuous, but granted - that is my particular perception of the word where I hear it.

People have different communication styles though - you get those couples slinging insults at each other all the time but to them there's nothing in it, they describe it as banter, and they consider their relationships very good. You get others that seethe silently and don't utter a disrespectful word to each other, but they're miles away from each other in their relationships.

The fact that it's hurt you - you need to tell him. That's your right in the relationship, to state what you find acceptable and that clearly isn't to you. Be prepared for a longer conversation, however, if he feels ground down by criticism / comments (which of course will expand into your frustrations about his inability to look for things!)

You were sarcastic to get a rise out of him. He basically trumped you.

Good Lord!

I think you are a tad oversensitive.

Curmudgeon works quite well

Yes, that word is specifically male. It all sounds a bit primary school to me, you make a nasty remark and get upset when you get nastiness back. Maybe rein the sarcasm in?

@FillerAngel

If I was irritated already, being called a harridan would make me laugh. If he’s not usually disrespectful, it’s quite a funny thing to mutter under your breath. Being called a cunt would not make me laugh.

This.

And I'm old.

Curmudgeon isn't specifically male.

Your feelings are not unreasonable OP and I admire how you've taken some space to reflect.

It sounds to me like this has "rubber-banded" you back to some old feelings and experiences of being dismissed and tolerated by men (the eye-rolling, the not feeling understood etc.) and you are aware that this is related to, but separate, to how your DP has behaved today.

There's a theory that there are three parts to every exchange such as this. The facts, your experience and his experience. You only have two pieces of this information. So you can say, "This morning you called me a harridan. I felt really, really upset. I didn't know whether to cry or shout at you". And you can ask for the third part - "What was going on for you?".

This has to be the most Mumsnet insult ever. Never heard of the word, learn something every day

Harridan is a particularly unpleasant word to describe an unpleasant old woman. It therefore successfully combines ageism and sexism in a neat package. Sarcasm is patronising and cutting, though, and the person at the other end of it is highly unlikely to find it funny or loving. OP basically told her dh he was a lazy, incompetent fellow and he retorted that she was an unpleasant old woman.

Can tell you are both retired if you have time to get worked up about this stuff. Dh calls me a harridan or the much underused fish wife or battleaxe all the time. I call him a miserable old git, an aging rock star and a dozy old barstard all the time. It's true. We are.Happy days.

To help expand the vocabulary here and 'if the cap fit wear it'' - in LifeJournal March 2016 the word ''Harridan'' was Word of the Day - . It says it means - ''an older woman who rules the roost with an iron fist, an overly critical matron, a battle axe, harpy, hag, old biddy, fish wife, witch, crone, hell raiser..'' so quite useful on MN.

The thing is, it's fine if you have that sort of relationship where you jokingly call eachother those things. But it's clear OP doesn't.

What I find is really strange is that the OP has been called out for being too sarcastic ('are you like this all the time?' etc), when she has had a perfectly normal response to finding something that someone else couldn't find, even though it was in the place one would expect to find it. Those people who cannot find things are inevitably men or children, and so when you 'find' it, surely the normal response is 'oh look, here it is, right where it usually is' - or similar?

and then she is criticised for finding the belt???? Because of course, if someone says they can't find their dressing gown belt, that means they are just telling you, and not expecting you to help them out in any way??!!

So OP is being called a harridan for doing normal stuff. And even more weird is she has gone away to think about it! My response would have been 'harridan? Find your own stuff in future then, sunshine'.

Or as others have said, I'd have assumed it was a joke and jioked back about how I was the best an old fart like him can do.

So back to how the problem is that OP could neither thing. Why?

It shouts out there are bigger issues. Maybe Relate or some such might be able to help? This seems like on eof those situations where a small thing is highlighting a bigger deal, and it sounds like you do too, OP? This does sound like a situation where couples counselling sooner rather than later would be a good thing.

If muttering harridan under his breath is the worst thing he's done in 14yrs I think I'd let it go given that you were sarky in the first place.

The thing is most of us know what response we are going to get before we open our mouths.

On a normal day DH could say 'I can't find my dressing gown belt have you seen it' and I would reply no I haven't or yes it's (wherever)' and he would reply ok.

On a snippy day I know that I could say the above but the words that come out of my mouth are more like 'oh I don't know, have you tried looking' or 'what am I? Your mother' and his response would be 'I was only asking no need to be so bloody sarky' and then we'd probably spend the next hour or so doing the whole 'well why can't you just look properly' 'why are you so bad tempered' and if we are really grumpy could go down the route of 'well you ALWAYS...............'

and then we'd sit down, have tea and get on with our day. It seems so unnecessary but none of us are perfect, we all have off days, we all feel unappreciated, put upon, nagged or whatever until the next time.

I'm not sure why you would have such a strong feeling of upset about this given you say it's a one off.

LTB?