DP called me a harridan yesterday - how to react?

[giletrouge]

My partner called me a harridan yesterday. I’m really upset but haven’t said anything because I wanted to think it through. This is what – from my point of view – happened. He’s WFH, I’m retired but do a lot of writing and other stuff so consider this also to be ‘work’ of some kind (personal work) We’re both beyond retirement age. Just giving you context and explaining that we’re both at home all the time.

So he’s at his desk and I go upstairs (he works on a landing) just sorting out washing, and he says he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns. I find it – immediately and exactly where I expected it to be, with the dressing gowns on the back of the door – so I go and give it to him, make a very mild sarcastic comment (something like, well there it was, with the dressing gown!) and as I walk away he says something that includes him calling me a harridan. I carried on doing what I was doing as it sunk in.

I’ve got no idea what he’s even referring to. He’s not stupid and I do talk a lot about feminism, so he can’t possibly not know that the word harridan would be received by me as a ghastly misogynistic insult. Or can he? Is it just his way of saying I’m a bit grumpy?

Should I let it go or say something? I feel really, really upset. He’s usually a very good man but I feel like I’ve been having these kind of conversations for fifty years now and I’m so tired. I can barely speak to him today because I feel like I’ll either cry or blow up. Help!

Some posters here will tie themselves up in knots to find the woman at fault.

We aren’t trying to find the woman at fault. Sometimes neither party is at fault. There was a mild insult sent in each direction, now just forget about it and carry on with life.

Mind you, if anybody called me a harridan I’d take it as a compliment.

I'm sorry OP I think you have an eye roller

I am not convinced there's many men who are really on board with feminism. Sorry. He might be, we aren't all the same person everyday.

I suppose a lot depends how your relationship is otherwise.

We have no idea what he meant. The OP was hanging laundry, maybe he just meant, have you seen it. Or maybe he was asking her to find it. Either way he's not directly asking her to do anything so best to just ignore it, people generally stop hinting for you to do things if you never get the hint.

What do you think he meant when he told OP 'he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns' if not for her to find it for him?

He saw giletrouge and immediately voiced a small domestic problem he had, because he connected the sight of his female DP with that thought.
His DP interpreted this as "I want you to find this for me" - perhaps because that's how he usually communicates?

OP, try to avoid this sort of thing by not engaging with your DP's little domestic problems.
"I'm sure it'll turn up" or such, would be fine. I expect he'll get the idea.

Honestly I think you are over reacting and should tell him you don’t like the word harridan and tell him to find his own sodding dressing gown belt next time.
Be more unhelpful, I refuse to help people look for things in my house (unless it’s a dire emergency) as invariably they are where I say they are are folk just CBA looking properly.

She had some laundry sorting when he asked her. So not unreasonable to ask if she had seen it as it could quite easily have been mixed up with it. Nobody is at fault fgs it really doesn't need to be made into a major drama or even a minor drama

I wish I was Scottish. I'd love to be called a good cunt

I'd feel uncomfortable too.
With the dressing gown thing, well it's like it's beneath him to look for such a thing. If he felt belittled then it's an appropriate feeling. How could you not find something in the exact place it should be?
And the harridan comment, yes I'd be wondering if that's how he truly feels all the time, if he's blurted it out now in a situation where he felt belittled. Like when people use racist language if they've had a drink and you realise that's how they really feel, the rest is a public front.

@Keepyourdistance000

Better than being called a gobshite :(

I think 'female gobshite' would be an excellent definition of 'harridan', so I disagree it's better than being called a 'harridan'.

It's always easy to think of a witty riposte after the event, but something like "I haven't even started" might have suited.

@omgthepain

Harridan???? What does that even mean???

Try consulting a dictionary, or if all else fails, Google it.

It's not on because you just did him a favour,

but apart from that, you irritated him with your sarcastic comment, and it's the equivalent to call him a grumpy old git or something.

It's not like he called you a bitch.

I imagine that you have been on top of each other for months with the lockdown especially. Getting each of you out of the house to be with friends or a hobby would do you both a world of good.

@giletrouge to be perfectly honest you were a bit sarky when you gave him the dressing gown cord (as I myself would have been)

My DH and I have a very similar humour and lots of joking insults-I'm sure he would call me a harridan-but in jest not really in anger.
But if I had been sarcastic when finding something he might have been back-but we both play the game and are both happy with the level of insults.

For example his birthday card from me was a man and a dog behind him. Man says "at least the dog loves me" and the dog says "wanker" which we both find funny so that makes it ok.

I think when it stops being ok is when someone stops/doesn't find it funny.

@giletrouge Call him Victor Meldrew and start using the phrase "I don't belieeeve it!" a lot.

blacksax

what's the point of your post?

It's not just about the pure definition is it, asking people about context and habit is useful.

You can google "bitch" as much as you want.
"come on bitches" will have a very different meaning said angrily by a man to his workers, or by SOME young girl to her girlfriends. It's a forum, it's fine to ask a question...

Is his name William Shakespeare.I'd quote some Chaucer at him and insist on an apology.

I wouldn't get so worked up about it - but let him fuck off and find his own stuff in future.

I hate the use of words like harridan. There isn't a male equivalent

Oh come on, use your imagination! Curmudgeon works quite well.

I once called mine an irritating little tit. He laughed, just as I intended. And just as I imagine OP’s bloke thought she would.

It depends on if gobshite is used affectionately. We're in Liverpool, so it is used in many ways.

I thought gobshite was a term of endearment til I was about 15

Seems an overreaction on his part imo.

So in future-

"I can't find X"-"oh dear"

"Have you seen Y?"-"Nope".

@omgthepain

Harridan???? What does that even mean???

Quite mild compared with some of the names used on this site! I wonder what words the OP has used in frustration in the past?

I imagine you are sick of finding his things, doing things for him, engaging your brain so he doesn't have to engage his and basically facilitating his being.......

I have married a man like this. I pull him up every time but it doesn't seem to change him. Sometimes I intentionally don't respond to my husband and he goes and does /finds whatever it is himself. I find this very difficult to not respond and my blood still boils however it's interesting to observe his behaviour.

He is never going to change, can you try ignoring him so that he doesn't encourage you to make sarky /fed up comments.

Don't take the harridan comment to heart. it was probably just a throw away comment beacuse you quite rightly made him feel stupid.

For what it is worth, my husband is similarly afflicted in his complete inability to find anything in plain sight or exactly where it is supposed to be. if he cannot find it, he blames me for moving it, and vigorously denies it being where I say it is. It csn take three attempts for him to look and then 'voila' find it exactly where I said it was, Obviously this is annoying for him but he often does not appreciate that it is equally, if not more, annoying for me going through this ritual every single time. Occasionslly there is begrudging amusement and tacit acknowledgement that 'I was right', but if I did say something it could well irritate him even further. My punt is that your husband was annoyed with himself and took it out on you. Rather than fester, I would gently raise the remark and say that you found being callled a harridan upsetting and see if he is forthcoming or apologetic. He may even be quite anxious about these exchanges - especially if you are predictably sarcastic at his shortcoming. PS I truly cannot fathom this inability but its not wanton laziness, its happens so frequently and causes him so much frustration I have accepted it.

At the end of the day Op, you saved him a task, albeit ungraceously & in return he throws an insult at you!

Ungrateful git!

@fashionablefennel

blacksax

what's the point of your post?

It's not just about the pure definition is it, asking people about context and habit is useful.

You can google "bitch" as much as you want.
"come on bitches" will have a very different meaning said angrily by a man to his workers, or by SOME young girl to her girlfriends. It's a forum, it's fine to ask a question...

'Harridan' does not have multiple meanings, and it is as easy as pie to look a word up, rather than ask on a thread. It's not exactly an obscure word either.

And the barb you aimed? You missed.

blacksax

and how would anyone know about the way people use that word without asking?

You are trying to appear clever, but failing miserably.