Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DP called me a harridan yesterday - how to react?

130 replies

giletrouge · 11/06/2021 11:05

My partner called me a harridan yesterday. I’m really upset but haven’t said anything because I wanted to think it through. This is what – from my point of view – happened. He’s WFH, I’m retired but do a lot of writing and other stuff so consider this also to be ‘work’ of some kind (personal work) We’re both beyond retirement age. Just giving you context and explaining that we’re both at home all the time.

So he’s at his desk and I go upstairs (he works on a landing) just sorting out washing, and he says he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns. I find it – immediately and exactly where I expected it to be, with the dressing gowns on the back of the door – so I go and give it to him, make a very mild sarcastic comment (something like, well there it was, with the dressing gown!) and as I walk away he says something that includes him calling me a harridan. I carried on doing what I was doing as it sunk in.

I’ve got no idea what he’s even referring to. He’s not stupid and I do talk a lot about feminism, so he can’t possibly not know that the word harridan would be received by me as a ghastly misogynistic insult. Or can he? Is it just his way of saying I’m a bit grumpy?

Should I let it go or say something? I feel really, really upset. He’s usually a very good man but I feel like I’ve been having these kind of conversations for fifty years now and I’m so tired. I can barely speak to him today because I feel like I’ll either cry or blow up. Help!

OP posts:

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 12:24

YANBU. Does he ever help you find stuff?

Dh tries to make the Person Who Knows Where Everything is, I just don't engage unless I've moved whatever it is (which I rarely do).

Maybe you could do the same?

TatianaBis · 11/06/2021 12:25

So you washed his clothes for him. You took them upstairs. He can’t find a dressing gown belt and rather than looking himself asks you. You dryly point out it was with his dressing gowns. And for that he calls you a harridan?

Let him wash his own clothes.

grumpygiraffe · 11/06/2021 12:26

It’s a pretty mild insult - massive overreaction to describe it as “ghastly” and “misogynistic”.

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 12:28

But it's not mild to OP, especially as given she helped him his reaction should have been 'thank you'. OP's feelings are valid.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/06/2021 12:31

This is pretty much why I'm never getting married again because the nit picking and sword fighting of marriage sends me insane.
Somebody would end up dead, I haven't the patience for it.

Palavah · 11/06/2021 12:34

He didn't actually ask you to fetch it for him but you did and made a sarky comment, he retaliated. Neither was ideal but if this is a one-off I don't think you should read too much into it.

You say you're 'banging on about feminism' a lot. Is it possible he's feeling lectured?

godmum56 · 11/06/2021 12:34

difficult.....I am a child of the 60's and all my life have stood my corner so far as equality goes but....well it sounds to me as though it has been the be all your whole life and still is? (I've been doing this for 50 years and i am tired of it) does he read your attitude as rating all men as chauvinist pigs? which I am sure you don't mean do you?
My late beloved husband was a sock scatterer and a loser of things. I can't read maps and can't add up 2 and 2 and get the same answer twice. That didn't make him MCP or me an imbecile...it meant we weren't perfect....so yeah, maybe listen to yourself when you talk to him and tone down the sarcasm.

godmum56 · 11/06/2021 12:36

@SenselessUbiquity

"having these conversations for 50 years" - I feel you.

I think you shouldn't have looked for the dressing gown cord. Your behaviours are both deeply influenced by traditional gender roles, not just his. (the fact that you thing it important to explain about whether working at home or just "being" at home, and to what extent, highlights this. It shows you view your relative roles as having materialist implications, not just two people who sometimes do each other favours.)

Traditional thinking:

Man works, woman helps man work by keeping house.
Overlaid on this often comes: woman works too, is still expected to help in house, doesn't receive suitable respect for either role.
Man asks for help, woman doesn't feel able to say no, but doesn't willingly help because feels she is being taken for granted, so makes a PA dig about man's incompetence while helping.
Man notes dig and makes old fashioned dig back which is rooted in expectation that women help men sweetly and to do otherwise is to be flawed, unattractive, nasty - a harridan.
Everyone is miserable.

Various models of revised thinking

Man asks politely for help, with something domestic which woman freely gives, because she loves him and feels respected. She's better at this stuff and she helps him because they both know that, and he helps her with things when he can and they both respect each other.

Man asks for help and woman politely declines to help because she is busy doing something else. Man privately notes his gendered assumption that she is at his disposal and resolves to try not to do that in future.

Man asks for help but no one is there because the woman has hired office space for writing during the day.

Man asks for help, doesn't get it, starts an argument about it because he thinks she should be at his disposal, which allows woman to see things clearly and leave him.

There are lots of options

yup absolutely

grumpygiraffe · 11/06/2021 12:37

@stackemhigh

But it's not mild to OP, especially as given she helped him his reaction should have been 'thank you'. OP's feelings are valid.

Maybe the mild sarcasm she used to her partner wasn’t received so mildly either. She’d have been more likely to receive a thankyou without it.

It all sounds very trivial. In our house either of us would appreciate being referred to by a new or unusual insult.

Original poster

giletrouge · 11/06/2021 12:39

@Palavah

He didn't actually ask you to fetch it for him but you did and made a sarky comment, he retaliated. Neither was ideal but if this is a one-off I don't think you should read too much into it.

You say you're 'banging on about feminism' a lot. Is it possible he's feeling lectured?

Once again this is helpful Palavah. I think it's distinctly possible he's feeling lectured. But I'd love to feel understood. And I don't, really.

OP posts:

UpHillandDownAle · 11/06/2021 12:39

@SenselessUbiquity - I agree. That all resonates for me.

Bbq1 · 11/06/2021 12:39

@Memedru

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill

Absolutely this.

moovinon · 11/06/2021 12:42

Personally, I would just think it was a joke and laugh it off or tell him to F off back (again, as a joke).

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 12:42

Maybe the mild sarcasm she used to her partner wasn’t received so mildly either. She’d have been more likely to receive a thankyou without it.

So what are you supposed to say when a grown man can't locate the cord to his dressing gown that is hanging in the same place as the dressing gown? Apologise that the cord wasn't belted around the waist of the gown?

godmum56 · 11/06/2021 12:44

sometimes "how you feel" is not about how other people are behaving towards you.....I am not saying that your feelings aren't valid but so are your partner's.

dreamingbohemian · 11/06/2021 12:44

I understand being ground down by years of misogyny and all the general crap women have to put up with, but if your DP is not usually one of the people treating you badly then I don't think it's fair to take it out on him.

I also get incredibly fed up and angry at these things but I'm able to exclude my own DH from that, because he's not like that at all.

I think you should have a calm conversation with him about it but he's not responsible for those 50 years of conversations so try to keep things in perspective.

Original poster

giletrouge · 11/06/2021 12:45

@stackemhigh

Maybe the mild sarcasm she used to her partner wasn’t received so mildly either. She’d have been more likely to receive a thankyou without it.

😂

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 11/06/2021 12:46

I love this option! I wonder how often it actually happens? Sounds like Kevin from 'Motherland'

godmum56 · 11/06/2021 12:47

@stackemhigh

Maybe the mild sarcasm she used to her partner wasn’t received so mildly either. She’d have been more likely to receive a thankyou without it.

well in my house i would have either said....give me a minute and I'll help you look or made some joke about the sock fairy having diversified into dressing gown cords...the same way as my late DH never ONCE lost it when i was the map reader and I lost us yet again.

MsRinky · 11/06/2021 12:51

Get yourself a t-shirt twistedtwee.co.uk/collections/hags/products/harridan-slogan-ladies-t-shirt-for-inspiring-older-women

I have harridan, fishwife and battle-axe patches on my bag. I take no shit from men, and laugh at their pathetic labels.

dreamingbohemian · 11/06/2021 12:53

My DH loses stuff all the time. If he mentions it in passing like the OP's partner did here I don't do anything. I might say, 'Well it'll turn up' and then I leave him to it. I'm not his PA!

The DP here did not ask OP to find it, so yes I think it was a bit rude for her to go get it and drop it in front of him while he's working and make a sarcastic comment.

Buttybach · 11/06/2021 12:56

Is he well in himself
Mental illness and certain conditions can make people make completely out of character statements

BertramLacey · 11/06/2021 12:58

What it felt like was that he was letting something slip that he really thinks.

That would be my concern too. I hate the use of words like harridan. There isn't a male equivalent. It's a very gender-specific way to insult a woman and it really is nasty. At least either sex can be a gobshite. Only women get called harridans. I would explain to him why it upset you to be called that and see what his response is. If he recognises why it's a problem then fair enough. If he eye rolled that's another matter as to me that would mean a complete lack of respect.

I wouldn't underplay this. I cannot imagine my DP calling me a harridan. He might laugh at me or call me out on any sarcasm but he wouldn't use that kind of insult (as far as I can be sure of these things!)

stackemhigh · 11/06/2021 13:05

@dreamingbohemian

My DH loses stuff all the time. If he mentions it in passing like the OP's partner did here I don't do anything. I might say, 'Well it'll turn up' and then I leave him to it. I'm not his PA!

The DP here did not ask OP to find it, so yes I think it was a bit rude for her to go get it and drop it in front of him while he's working and make a sarcastic comment.

What do you think he meant when he told OP 'he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns' if not for her to find it for him?

Some posters here will tie themselves up in knots to find the woman at fault.

And yes, I did suggest to OP that it's not her job to find stuff for him.

Ellpellwood · 11/06/2021 13:10

@dreamingbohemian

My DH loses stuff all the time. If he mentions it in passing like the OP's partner did here I don't do anything. I might say, 'Well it'll turn up' and then I leave him to it. I'm not his PA!

The DP here did not ask OP to find it, so yes I think it was a bit rude for her to go get it and drop it in front of him while he's working and make a sarcastic comment.

I agree with you. If nothing else, I can't stand hints and implications. If you want help, ask me. That goes at work too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6