DP called me a harridan yesterday - how to react?

[giletrouge]

My partner called me a harridan yesterday. I’m really upset but haven’t said anything because I wanted to think it through. This is what – from my point of view – happened. He’s WFH, I’m retired but do a lot of writing and other stuff so consider this also to be ‘work’ of some kind (personal work) We’re both beyond retirement age. Just giving you context and explaining that we’re both at home all the time.

So he’s at his desk and I go upstairs (he works on a landing) just sorting out washing, and he says he can’t find the belt from one of his dressing gowns. I find it – immediately and exactly where I expected it to be, with the dressing gowns on the back of the door – so I go and give it to him, make a very mild sarcastic comment (something like, well there it was, with the dressing gown!) and as I walk away he says something that includes him calling me a harridan. I carried on doing what I was doing as it sunk in.

I’ve got no idea what he’s even referring to. He’s not stupid and I do talk a lot about feminism, so he can’t possibly not know that the word harridan would be received by me as a ghastly misogynistic insult. Or can he? Is it just his way of saying I’m a bit grumpy?

Should I let it go or say something? I feel really, really upset. He’s usually a very good man but I feel like I’ve been having these kind of conversations for fifty years now and I’m so tired. I can barely speak to him today because I feel like I’ll either cry or blow up. Help!

See if you look up 'harridan' - which I did - you get this; a strict, bossy, or belligerent old woman. "a bullying old harridan" synonyms:
shrew · virago · harpy · termagant · vixen · nag · hag · crone · dragon · ogress · fishwife · hellcat · she-devil · fury · gorgon · martinet · tartar · spitfire · old bag · old bat · old trout · old cow · bitch · battleax · witch · targe · scold · Xanthippe

So I'm wondering if he feels bullied by me. If my sarcasm feels like a put-down. And he really (even if unconsciously) was letting me know that.

How to react?
Harridan? You ain't seen nuthin' I'll show you harridan mate😈

My DH used to say things in a sarcastic way and it really ground me down. I spoke to him about it...and he agreed it was shit so promised he'd stop. Then he carried on...so I began doing it back and he was

That soon stopped him. It was a habit he'd got from the way his parents spoke to one another. They still do it to each other....but we don't. It's not nice OP.

I think you have to think about the question “what was he trying to achieve by saying it?”
To make you feel how you do, I suspect. So you could potentially tell him that trying to deliberately upset you through snide comments doesn’t make him come across well and (if it has upset you as much as it comes across to me by what you’ve written that it has, that it) makes a crack/dent in your love for and trust of him.

Sorry posted to soon. I read it as him saying something along the lines of have you seen my dressing gown belt I can't see it? Not an unreasonable question given you were sorting laundry at the time. You then picked it up from where you expected it to be without him asking you to look for it or you telling him where you expected he could find it and made a sarky remark. Sounds like he made a joke/sharp retort to your comment.

I wouldn't turn a hair at dh calling me a harridan (unless he was shouting/aggressive, which he doesn't do, and would be unacceptable), as I do tend to be bossy/sarcastic sometimes and am quite prepared to be called out on it. Also we do trade the odd mild insult occasionally! I wasn't actually aware of the age connotation, so might balk at that!

If your relationship isn't generally like that, and it was unexpectedly sharp, I can see why you would be upset. He may not be aware of how much the use of that word would affect you.

@FortunesFave - that sounds very possible scenario for this situation. Being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour feels completely different to how it feels doing the behaviour itself. My DH used to rile when my family did it to me and then do it to me himself. When I pointed this out to him, he said it was different when he did because he was upset inside ! I pointed out that they did it for the same reasons but that didn’t make it any more ok and he did stop after that.

Is he usually so misogynistic?

I am a proud crone- and happily reclaim the harriden.

@speakout

Is he usually so misogynistic?

I am a proud crone- and happily reclaim the harriden.

No he's not - but I do bang on a lot on feminist issues and I suspect he doesn't really get it. So possibly he's silently/secretly eye-rolling. And I hate that. I don't want an eye-roller - I want a supporter. Is that too much to want? I feel sick (I've got other things going on too, it's not just this - I wish one thing was stable, he's usually my stability).

I think you need to tell him it upset you and what did it mean. If my DH had said that when I found something, my interpretation would be that he thought I was a witch for always knowing where everything is.
I have noticed in my family of DH and 3 late teen/young adults, that I am the only one who seems to know that things have a place in this house. This is probably because I have decided the place and return things to their place when they appear elsewhere but not actually explained the' system' to anyone else. Same when others empty dishwasher. Kitchen things disappear for days on end!! Slightly off topic but whatever you think he might have meant, you are just getting into a state that may be completely avoided by talking to him.

I would just take it as a jokey response to your sarcasm, my husband and I often joke about if he has 'man looked' for something and inevitably when I find it usually where it lives and he was told to look he will call me name or something back, but it's in jest and we both know that. I would just ask him what he meant by it if it upset you and tell him it did and why, but I would have done it at the time rather than brood on it for a day.

I wouldn’t consider you sarcastic OP. You were just gently mocking him (unless you said what your said to him with anger).

I’d imagine he was mocking you back. I’d asking him if he meant it and had he felt hurt by you?

If he had I’d be more careful in future BUT….. I’d struggle to have a relationship with someone who couldn’t stand being laughed at a bit in good fun.

If he'd looked a bit harder for his belt none of this would happen...
I think it's really easy in a longer term relationship to slip into ways of speaking to your partner that are a bit short or rude. I do it, DH does it. But, it's no bad thing to check it occasionally and consider whether you're being rude or just getting fed up with being taken for granted.
I do get well and truly fed up with not being listened to it other people just expecting me to take up the slack.
Courtesy and consideration are two way streets.
From your scenario OP unless you have a perpetual habit or replying sarcastically I would say your DP is out of order and I too would be pretty pissed off.

Thanks this is all really helpful I know I'm only replying to a few but I'm reading them all. I now think it's a six of one and half-a-dozen of the other situation compounded by me feeling sensitive due to other (unrelated, not about him) stuff.

If mine did it I’d laugh. Mind you his German pet name for me translates into “My little dragon” so my skin’s pretty thick.

@Keepyourdistance000

Better than being called a gobshite :(

I think I'd rather be called a gobshite.

You made him feel like a fool, he was rude - let it go and move on.

You sound like Giles and Mary

I think some of this depends on how he uses language. I'm not saying your wrong to be hurt as it as a derogatory term, but it's also a bit archaic.
Does he use old fashioned terminology regularly and could he be partly laughing at himself/you as a couple for falling into the sitcom routine of useless man/impatient woman?
On the finding things and being sarky about it, just stop looking.
I used to notice where things were and helpfully tell my DH when he told me he couldn't find something.... this was translated in his head to my having moved it!
So now when he says he has lost something I say "oh, that's a pity" and just don't think about it.

Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill

@omgthepain

Harridan???? What does that even mean???

An argumentative, nagging, belligerent woman.

I think you’re over reacting tbh. You’ve looked up the dictionary definition but I don’t suppose he has. It’s quite an old fashioned term just mumbled under his breath.
Depends what he usually like but quite light hearted?

You're bossy for finding the item of clothing he was missing for him pfft anyway, I would definitely tell him that it upset you and why and see his reaction.

He's right !.

"having these conversations for 50 years" - I feel you.

I think you shouldn't have looked for the dressing gown cord. Your behaviours are both deeply influenced by traditional gender roles, not just his. (the fact that you thing it important to explain about whether working at home or just "being" at home, and to what extent, highlights this. It shows you view your relative roles as having materialist implications, not just two people who sometimes do each other favours.)

Traditional thinking:

Man works, woman helps man work by keeping house.
Overlaid on this often comes: woman works too, is still expected to help in house, doesn't receive suitable respect for either role.
Man asks for help, woman doesn't feel able to say no, but doesn't willingly help because feels she is being taken for granted, so makes a PA dig about man's incompetence while helping.
Man notes dig and makes old fashioned dig back which is rooted in expectation that women help men sweetly and to do otherwise is to be flawed, unattractive, nasty - a harridan.
Everyone is miserable.

Various models of revised thinking

Man asks politely for help, with something domestic which woman freely gives, because she loves him and feels respected. She's better at this stuff and she helps him because they both know that, and he helps her with things when he can and they both respect each other.

Man asks for help and woman politely declines to help because she is busy doing something else. Man privately notes his gendered assumption that she is at his disposal and resolves to try not to do that in future.

Man asks for help but no one is there because the woman has hired office space for writing during the day.

Man asks for help, doesn't get it, starts an argument about it because he thinks she should be at his disposal, which allows woman to see things clearly and leave him.

There are lots of options