Husband's Weight

[ExtraSprinkles]

Nc for obvious reasons.

Inspired by an earlier post today. My DH has put on a LOT of weight recently, at least 7st and I am really struggling to accept it.

My main concern is his health. I have gently and eventually abruptly tried to discuss this with him multiple times and every time we discuss it, he will act motivated to lose it and start exercising etc but this only lasts for a week or 2 before he falls back into his old habits. He is always so lethargic and lazy and constantly puts off doing every day tasks because he struggles with energy and it is causing me so much stress. Our family time and life in general is massively affected due to his lethargy and I'm finding myself getting angry at him for ruining plans or lagging behind on the housework etc.

As a family we have always had a very healthy balanced diet so this isn't really an issue however, I've noticed he snacks on loads of junk when I'm in bed so I think he really has a problem.

I understand how shallow this next part sounds. I love him very much and would never leave him or cheat but I am no longer attracted to him. I have a very high sex drive and it's killing me that I can't bring myself to be intimate. It's fairly obvious that we both really want to have sex but I just can't do it and keep making excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Aibu? What would you do?

Who buys the junk? I'd stop buying as much gradually if you do the shopping?

I understand how shallow this next part sounds. I love him very much and would never leave him or cheat but I am no longer attracted to him.

This is not shallow at all, so stop giving yourself a hard time about it.

Sounds like it could be a health problem causing the weight gain - especially as it's been so much in a relatively short time period (you say 7 stone recently).

How's his mental health? There are physical conditions that can lead to weight gain but it could also be mental health related.

We both do the shopping. I've told him to stop buying crap but he continues to do it. It's mostly frozen processed stuff that he will stick in the chest freezer and claims it's a back up incase we don't have time to cook. I also buy a multi pack of crisps for day trip lunches and a few times, I've found the bag empty when I go to get some. What can I say when he claims to be hungry 😏

You’re NBU, if my DH put on 7 stone I’d be very concerned about his health.
You’re getting into chronic illness territory there and I want my DH to be around and healthy for years to come for me and the kids.
Have you sat down and had a proper chat with him about your concerns? Have you ever tried counselling together?
Sounds like he tries to evade the topic and you need to get him talking

YANBU OP. Assuming you've been together a while I'd want to know what triggered the sudden weight gain. From the sounds of it he's eating a lot of junk at night but why has this suddenly started? Do you think he has some kind of binge eating disorder? or Depression? Anxiety?

It's easy for weight to creep up and to pick up bad habits but if it wasn't an issue before why now?

I have considered it could be his mental health. 7st in less than 2 years.

He doesn't seem depressed (from what I can tell) but he does have a very stressful job and seems to suffer with a bit of anxiety from it. I think he finds it difficult to switch off most of the time. The pandemic definitely hasn't helped matters.

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife.
You are so unbelievably out of order!
If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

Generally I find people a bit unreasonable when they complain that their DH has put on weight and they don't fancy them any more, but 7st in two years would have me worried sick.

I may be biased as I put 7 stone on over a few years. I have very poor mental health though.
It would kill me if my husband spoke about me the way you have.

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife.

I would 100% be on his side. Male/female is irrelevant.

Is he depressed as this can cause the comfort eating , esp if he has gained so much in 2 years. Dont buy the junk food, or hide it? You are not being shallow or anything, totally understandable, his weight gain in that time is very worrying,
Apart from mental , could there be another underlying health issue causing this?

I’d be extremely concerned in your shoes. When he hints at having sex have you said you don’t find him as attractive? Has he asked? You absolutely shouldn’t be doing it if you don’t want to and he’s got to realise why?

How’s his health? Obviously being compromised but has he seen his GP? What’s his bfp like? Is he prediabetic? Cholesterol?

@commonsensepleaseQ

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife. You are so unbelievably out of order! If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

Is this a joke? If I suddenly put on 7 stone I would find it incredibly strange if my husband was indifferent to it. I would want him to worry about my health in this situation. Of course it's going a huge amount of weight gain in a short period of time is going to affect how attracted you are to someone.

@commonsensepleaseQ

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife. You are so unbelievably out of order! If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

Bore off.

@commonsensepleaseQ

I may be biased as I put 7 stone on over a few years. I have very poor mental health though. It would kill me if my husband spoke about me the way you have.

You are biased. And gaining weight at that level can also kill you.

Show love and kindness and treat him with respect.

@commonsensepleaseQ

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife. You are so unbelievably out of order! If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

I can imagine a man saying this about his wife. Would you not be concerned if your partner gained a dangerous amount of weight? I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with diabetes and other conditions as he is technically clinically obese and not willing to put in any effort to improve his health.

I'm wanting to help him not leave him. And there's nothing wrong with me finding a 20+stone person unattractive. It's just presonal preference.

I know how you feel, DH is now morbidly obese. It worries me sick, he just huffs and puffs all the time as he is so out of shape. He's taking medication for blood pressure and cholesterol, which has unfortunately given him ED. Diabetes runs in his family. He's younger than me too, we can't go walking as he just complains I walk too fast and his feet are always sore. Sex is grim - it's not that I find the weight unattractive, it's the sweating and having no stamina and only limited positions, plus needing Viagra.

I just don't know what to do, he just won't even address the issue. I make him a healthy meal, but right now he's in the kitchen making a pile of thickly buttered toast, washed down with beer. I love him so much, but we don't have much of a life because of his weight.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’d be extremely concerned in your shoes. When he hints at having sex have you said you don’t find him as attractive? Has he asked? You absolutely shouldn’t be doing it if you don’t want to and he’s got to realise why?

How’s his health? Obviously being compromised but has he seen his GP? What’s his bfp like? Is he prediabetic? Cholesterol?

He will hint and I just say I'm not in the mood or I'm not feeling great. There's never any pressure on either side. We have a mutual respect in that manner. I have never told him I don't find him attractive as it would properly crush him and I don't want to hurt him. He is still a good looking guy and is well groomed but his weight is just too much for me. I find it difficult to find a comfortable position to enjoy sex with the extra weight pressing on me so I just put it off.

He has no other health issues but hasn't seen a doctor in years so they probably do exist, just undiagnosed. He doesn't feel the need to see a doctor as he hasn't been ill since his teens.

@commonsensepleaseQ

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife. You are so unbelievably out of order! If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

My husband once told me I was too fat to fancy. I've never been able to forget it, even though I totally understand why he said it.

It's a very difficult conversation to have and I would tread carefully.
Once health issues have been ruled out, I think you have to back off. Then it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker.

Whenever my husband talks about weight, or even just health, I feel the urge to eat massive amounts of pizza or chocolate!

I have lost weight two times in my life, the first time I did the 5 + 2 diet and went well

The second time the doctor said I had very high cholesterol so loosing it again

This time instead of snacking between meals I drink water, this has also gone well

I do very limited exercise

To loose weight you need to really want to as it is very easy to put back on a week worth of lose in one day

Good luck

It sounds very superficial though, how long have you been with him?
Your attraction isn't based solely on his looks surely?
7 stone IS a lot, but over 2 years I can easily see how it crept on. It's NOT a fast gain. It's not quite even a pound a week gain.
At the end of the day, this is his problem and he has to be the one to solve it and to WANT to solve it.

Do you have any weight to lose at all?
That's not meant nastily - If you have 7lbs or more to lose then you could both join Slimming world together, it would be good for him to have the support and then you don't have to make it all about HIM losing weight so he's not feeling judged.

@MoiraQueen

I know how you feel, DH is now morbidly obese. It worries me sick, he just huffs and puffs all the time as he is so out of shape. He's taking medication for blood pressure and cholesterol, which has unfortunately given him ED. Diabetes runs in his family. He's younger than me too, we can't go walking as he just complains I walk too fast and his feet are always sore. Sex is grim - it's not that I find the weight unattractive, it's the sweating and having no stamina and only limited positions, plus needing Viagra.

I just don't know what to do, he just won't even address the issue. I make him a healthy meal, but right now he's in the kitchen making a pile of thickly buttered toast, washed down with beer. I love him so much, but we don't have much of a life because of his weight.

It is so worrying isn't it? I feel like there's not much I can do without coming across as controlling. I worry all the time about him dying young and leaving me widowed single parent. I don't think I would cope without him.

Imo you do get a say if his care and the running of the home all became your responsibility because he was too ill /unfit /unable to contribute 50 /50..
Or when he is diabetic and can't drive for example..
My ex lost his sight and his licence due to diabetes.... My dh is 20 stone and knows his weight affects us both.