Husband's Weight

[ExtraSprinkles]

Nc for obvious reasons.

Inspired by an earlier post today. My DH has put on a LOT of weight recently, at least 7st and I am really struggling to accept it.

My main concern is his health. I have gently and eventually abruptly tried to discuss this with him multiple times and every time we discuss it, he will act motivated to lose it and start exercising etc but this only lasts for a week or 2 before he falls back into his old habits. He is always so lethargic and lazy and constantly puts off doing every day tasks because he struggles with energy and it is causing me so much stress. Our family time and life in general is massively affected due to his lethargy and I'm finding myself getting angry at him for ruining plans or lagging behind on the housework etc.

As a family we have always had a very healthy balanced diet so this isn't really an issue however, I've noticed he snacks on loads of junk when I'm in bed so I think he really has a problem.

I understand how shallow this next part sounds. I love him very much and would never leave him or cheat but I am no longer attracted to him. I have a very high sex drive and it's killing me that I can't bring myself to be intimate. It's fairly obvious that we both really want to have sex but I just can't do it and keep making excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Aibu? What would you do?

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife.
You are so unbelievably out of order!
If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

A mn bingo of a reply ^^

Could you suggest life insurance if you don't already have it for your children?
If a medical is still a thing for life insurance it might be a way of getting him to a doctor without making it about his weight.
Or just suggest you both go for a health check while you can, as lockdowns possible again in winter so better to be proactive.
There are a few illnesses that increase hunger/weight gain and I know a pp has said it's easy to creep up but I've been overweight 70% of my adult life and even when I don't watch it at all I wouldn't gain more than 7lbs a year.
So I think you are right to be concerned wether it's depression and binge eating or a physical illness he needs to see a GP.
Good luck OP, I understand your concern is because you love him and are worried not because you want him to look like Magic Mike.

I could have written this

The weight gain. The lack of any bother to do anything about it.

The snoring because he is overweight.

We are currently not having sex. I don't want to. I'm tired because of the snoring. I am worried about his health and lastly I don't fancy him. He's put-on around seven stone also.

He's not depressed he's just become lazy
As fuck.

I'm not going to ask for a divorce because I love him but sexually I don't fancy him. It's causing so many problems because he keeps saying he doesn't care if I put on seven stone. He should care. It's an excuse.

He needs to sort this.I don't want to be a widow. Not if it can be prevented.

I get you 100 percent op.

I love my DH. He has to get this sorted out though.

Not arsed what sex if I put on seven stone I'd expect my DH to have something to say about it. It's a lot of weight.

I think he is struggling with his mental health and using food as a crutch. The lethargy is not likely to be his weight but his mental health. He's self medicating with food by the sounds of it. He needs to see a doctor and I know that's hard but I would make it clear that you expect him to. I would ignore the food / weight gain because it's the lethargy that's truly impacting your shared life. He will know he is fat, he doesn't need to hear it from you. If it is depression he might find it difficult to recognise how his lethargy impacts you and your marriage. So you will have to force the issue of going to see a doctor. It could be he has a deficiency that is also contributing to his poor mental health. When I was anaemic I struggled with energy a lot. Focus on the root cause of the weight gain. Try and keep blame out of it as he probably feels very ashamed of himself.

7 stone in two years is a lot and id be very concerned about that. He should go for a blood test to rule out an underactive thyroid.

You are not shallow for not feeling attracted to him. Each to their own op and we all have our preferences. I've gained 3 stone in 4 years due to PND and it has been completely shit for me. I am always tired/always ill etc. I have started taking up walking/fitness bootcamp and I'm losing weight to feel better about myself. One thing I know is, you can't get someone to change, they have to be ready to.
Sit him down and have a gentle chat with him. Tell him you love him, show him empathy and work out a plan with him.

Processed food is a vicious circle, it makes you hungry and so you eat more, which in turn makes you hungrier

Stop buying processed food, most things wrapped in plastic, with any ingredients you wouldn’t find in your kitchen - that include mist bread in plastic and oven ready food, many yogurts

Thank you for your suggestions and replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this and I'm not a terrible person for feeling this way.

I'm guessing he knows there is a problem but is struggling to help himself or lacking the motivation for whatever reason. I've gone from initiating sex almost every night, to not trying at all the past 10 months. I hope he doesn't suspect I'm cheating or looking elsewhere!

Tonight I will be sitting him down for a deep conversation about how I feel and how concerned I am. Previously I've just suggested we should try and get fit or need to start taking better care of ourselves but this time, I'm hoping to persuade him to visit the doctor. Let's hope we can get to the root cause of this.

Op I really sympathise I have been here. No amount of helpful suggestions/healthy meals/me losing weight helped. I’m ashamed to say at times I probably embarrassed him by making suggestions. Honestly I had to wait for him to have an epiphany and he lost all the excess weight and has a new lease of life. Im just glad he didn’t have a heart attack before that!!

Good luck OP! I had a similar conversation with my DH a couple of years ago. I worked on what a role model he was providing for his children and did he want his kids and grandchildren ending up in this scenario, if he even lived to see them.

It worked for a few months, but unfortunately despite all the interventions the will to change has to come from your DH.

How did he get his epiphany @kerosene20?

Honestly I’m not entirely sure. I think he realised he would probably not last much longer pushing 25 stone. No amount of guilt trips about the kids etc made any difference. One day he just woke up and went for it. He’s done amazingly and has a great new career as a result. He did watch that tv show my 400lb life a fair bit and I think it got in his head….

Has he had his thyroid checked recently?

I've put on a considerable amount of weight since moving in with my partner, around 7 stone as well.
I think you need to really communicate about why this has happened? Speaking from my own experience it was mostly due to stress and mental illness.
Who does the cooking? If it's him maybe you could do some meals so you can ensure he's eating healthy for some?
It definitely warrants a conversation, but I think you need to be upfront about the lack of attraction. It'll either make him change and if it doesn't saldy you need to leave.
My partner had the same convo with me, initially I felt attacked and was quite hostile, but I did eventually understand what he was saying and we have change our ways. For example he's tried to start cooking as I would do it all so when j was shattered his go to was a takeaway (fine for him to eat as hes very active I'm not), I bought some exercise equipment etc.

My partner had gained weight during lockdown. I broached it with him saying I was concerned about the covid risk. With life opening up again I told him I was concerned his weight (and mine, I'm not as overweight ) put us at unnecessary risk of additional covid complications.

He took that on board. I had noted the increase in carbs over lockdown and that is what he has reduced. The difference is amazing in just one month. The weight is literally dropping of him. We are also walking daily, sometimes it's only for 30mins, but I feel it's important to get out the house (he is home working).

I would stop buying any junk/processed food. We have replaced crisps for a few nuts in the evening (not every night) or fruit and sorbet now it's warmer.

We are making life changes together.

My husband has done the same op. Not looked after his health, piled on pounds, now has loads of health problems.
I get angry because we can't go walking, we can't do much because 'I'm tired....sore....miserable
...need a lie down' etc etc.
Drives me nuts. I'm in my 30s and feel like I might as well have married a 90 year old. What's the future hold?

Plus yes the extra weight isn't aesthetically pleasing, especially if you're small like me. Who wants to get squashed during sex? I'm about 60kg smaller. Do I want a big lump flattening me?
Plus all the medications make it harder (or not).

But apparently we are the awful ones because we should accept this? I didn't sign up to be a bariatric carer and get stuck looking after the kids and have nobody to do activities with because they're eating themselves stupid.
Not everyone who is obese is depressed, some are just big junk eaters with not a care in the world for what the person they married has to look forward to.
Strokes, heart attacks diabetes, lone parenting, carer duties.... the list goes on.
So excuse me if I don't have loads of sympathy for people who make a choice to be shit role models for their kids and eat themselves into an early grave.

When I put on 3 stone, my husband told me that I didnt look healthy and he preferred me slimmer. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner that, as long as you say it in a nice way. I lost the weight and feel better for it. Now he's putting on weight and I'm going to tell him the same too. I'm sure he'll start running and eating less, as he normally likes to look good. You should tell him, especially if when he loses the weight you'll end up having more sex. That's a real incentive for him, tell him! I don't understand people who say you shouldn't let weight affect your relationship! If I were attracted to an obsese male then i would have married one and vice versa.

7 stone is a lot by the way and he ll probably put on a extra stone per year. You'll end up his carer!

Before you try to help you need to educate yourself about obesity. Read Why We Eat Too Much and look at the recent documentary on eating processed foods. I’m worried you describe your husband as lazy - he might be but obesity and weight gain is a hell of a lot more complex than a lack of personal motivation or laziness.

I speak from experience: I put on 5 stone after DS2 and ended up having to have weight loss surgery to help me lose weight. I don’t claim to be perfect but I’m not lazy or lacking willpower.

I could have wrote this.
My dh has put on a lot of weight and has no desire to do anything about it. We've talked about it, I've tried telling him how concerned about his health I am, nothing seems to make a difference. I've tried boosting his confidence but that seems to make him the I he's find and says more. I've joined a gym in the hope he'll see me trying to be healthy and do the same - nope. I cook, we have a decent level of healthy fresh meals but he's working from home and I go out to work and he's snacking and not moving, literally sat at his laptop all day then say watching tv all evening. I've suggested family walks he won't come, the kids are even concerned, he takes no notice. I don't know what to do any more. He refuses to see a doctor, refuses to exercise, refuses to stop snacking.
I do still find him attractive though but he has lost his sex drive and rarely wants sex. I'm completely stuck as how to help him. Just hoping he sees the light and decides to do something g to help him.self before he has a heart attack.

If my partner started drinking to excess, smoking or restricting his calories to an unhealthy extent I would firstly provide support but if no effort was made to help himself (acknowledging an issue, visiting the doctor, actively making an effort to tackle it etc) I would find it concerning, unattractive and also not want to be with someone who disregarded their health without tackling it. It's not me saying 'if my partner put on weight I would dump him' it's me saying I want a partner who wants to be healthy long term and couldn't be with someone who was unhealthy to such an extreme extent eg putting on seven stone.

I also wouldn't find him physically attractive if he put on seven stone. I would still love him, but I wouldn't fancy him. Just as I personally don't fancy very skinny men.

We are all allowed physical preferences and when pushed to extremes, genuine physical attraction is not overridden by emotional feelings for someone.

It is unhealthy, self destructive behaviour and it's unfair that people like OP are told they are superficial when if the addiction / issue was smoking or drinking rather than food they would be told that if their partner had no interest in helping themselves it was perfectly reasonable for OP to feel at a loss as to how the relationship can continue.

I don't know how old you are but by the time he gets to his 50s you will probably be his carer, how do you feel about that?

@QioiioiioQ

I don't know how old you are but by the time he gets to his 50s you will probably be his carer, how do you feel about that?

He'll be washing himself with a cloth on a stick.

He'll be washing himself with a cloth on a stick
You've clearly got your head screwed on right, it's a horrible shame that he's decided to do this to himself but ultimately it's his choice and you have to walk away and make a better life for yourself and your children
if you stay you will sink with him

Yanbu at all. My husband hasn’t gained as much but he has gained about 4 stone, he moans and groans about it but the proceeds to eat an entire multipack of crisps in one day and gets huffy with me when I point this out to him. I eat very healthy and am always careful about my weight so it’s definitely not me who buys the rubbish.