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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's Weight

104 replies

ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 22:08

Nc for obvious reasons.

Inspired by an earlier post today. My DH has put on a LOT of weight recently, at least 7st and I am really struggling to accept it.

My main concern is his health. I have gently and eventually abruptly tried to discuss this with him multiple times and every time we discuss it, he will act motivated to lose it and start exercising etc but this only lasts for a week or 2 before he falls back into his old habits. He is always so lethargic and lazy and constantly puts off doing every day tasks because he struggles with energy and it is causing me so much stress. Our family time and life in general is massively affected due to his lethargy and I'm finding myself getting angry at him for ruining plans or lagging behind on the housework etc.

As a family we have always had a very healthy balanced diet so this isn't really an issue however, I've noticed he snacks on loads of junk when I'm in bed so I think he really has a problem.

I understand how shallow this next part sounds. I love him very much and would never leave him or cheat but I am no longer attracted to him. I have a very high sex drive and it's killing me that I can't bring myself to be intimate. It's fairly obvious that we both really want to have sex but I just can't do it and keep making excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Aibu? What would you do?

OP posts:
Tealightsandd · 10/06/2021 22:48

I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with diabetes and other conditions as he is technically clinically obese

It's actually a misapprehension that obesity inevitably leads to diabetes. Two thirds of morbidly obese people don't develop diabetes, whilst many patients are normal BMI. Diabetes risk relates to an individual person's own weight gain tolerance - so some people will be slim in appearance but too big for their individual body's tolerance.

Diabetes is strongly genetic however so if as you say it runs in his family, it's definitely worth getting him checked out. In fact it might be the cause of his weight gain and food cravings/hunger.

It really does also sound like he's perhaps struggling with his mental health (and stress is linked to diabetes). He could have an eating disorder - binge/comfort eating, for example.

Original poster
ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 22:49

@commonsensepleaseQ

It sounds very superficial though, how long have you been with him? Your attraction isn't based solely on his looks surely? 7 stone IS a lot, but over 2 years I can easily see how it crept on. It's NOT a fast gain. It's not quite even a pound a week gain. At the end of the day, this is his problem and he has to be the one to solve it and to WANT to solve it.

Do you have any weight to lose at all?
That's not meant nastily - If you have 7lbs or more to lose then you could both join Slimming world together, it would be good for him to have the support and then you don't have to make it all about HIM losing weight so he's not feeling judged.

It doesn't sound nasty at all. We've been together almost 10 years now. He was never slim and muscular to start with but he was a healthy weight.

I put on about 2st in baby weight and we started a health kick together and I continued and he fell back into old habits. I've suggested weight loss clubs and diets but I feel like I'm constantly nagging so I've not bothered the past 6 months. He knows he is unhealthy but he just has no motivation to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 22:52

If your husband continues to gain weight like this, it won't be long before he can't work or do anything. You will end up as his carer and shouldering the burden for absolutely everything. I would not tolerate this.

Tealightsandd · 10/06/2021 22:53

he just has no motivation to do anything about it.

Sounds like be might be suffering from depression.

DogInATent · 10/06/2021 22:53

It's worth him speaking to his GP about it. I can think of a couple of conditions, either of which could explain 90% of the changes you've described and both of which would require intervention to fix. An underlying cause needs to be ruled out.

AramintaArrowsmith · 10/06/2021 22:54

Ooh are you the fat husband poster? The one that pops up every month! Like a fetish

Nsky · 10/06/2021 22:54

It’s right to show concern, clearly he is unmotivated to change, and prob will end up with serious health issues

Tealightsandd · 10/06/2021 22:55

Thyroid issues can cause weight gain - and, separately, depression.

Original poster
ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 22:56

Not the fat husband poster no. I don't think I've seen any fat husband posts in ages?

OP posts:
QioiioiioQ · 10/06/2021 22:57

but we don't have much of a life because of his weight
he is free to sabotage his health but you shouldnt let him sabotage your life at the same time.
I would start working on my plan b

commonsensepleaseQ · 10/06/2021 22:59

I'd ask him to see the doctor. As someone said it could be a thyroid problem.
It could be depression, it's fairly easy to hide this from those close to you until a breakdown.
He's got to want to do it for himself though, he's the only one who can help himself.

But please whatever you do, do not tell him your not attracted to him.
That can only crush him, it's a rare person who's motivated by that.

Original poster
ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 22:59

I wonder if it might be depression. It would probably make sense given the year we've had however these issues did start in 2019.

I cant put my finger on a trigger because we live a fairly settled, happy life but I know that anyone can suffer from poor mental health so that's not really the issue.

Maybe a suggestion to visit the GP might help but I doubt he will go.

OP posts:
Namechangefun · 10/06/2021 23:02

I think you could do with approaching this from a health point of view, rather than an ‘I don’t fancy you any more’ point of view. Maybe sit him down when you’re both calm and have some headspace and say I really am worried about your health and would love for us to get healthier together. I love you and what do you think we could do to both work on this’ make it an ‘us’ thing not a ‘you’ thing

Northernsoullover · 10/06/2021 23:04

Its really difficult. I no longer find my partner attractive due to his weight gain. I also put on weight in the lockdown and I am really motivated to do something about it. I thought it might spur him on but no. Its just me Sad. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm shallow. As you say it's personal preference. I can't help attraction.

PhatPhanny · 10/06/2021 23:04

This was me recently, Im so glad my DH was supportive.. Mine was medical, probably beeb rumbling away for years, ask you dh to see him gp and have a few tests done.

Its amazing how quickly things can change and I felt like I was walking through treacle every day, life was a constant fog, everything was an effort, it may not be medical, but rule that out before anything else.

Tealightsandd · 10/06/2021 23:06

It would be a shame if he didn't go to the doctor. All he initially needs is a 5 minute blood test (and perhaps a counselling referral). He'd literally be in and out of there in no time.

Namechangefun · 10/06/2021 23:07

Maybe you both could start a new hobby together like hiking or something sporty outdoors. Maybe you could try a healthy meal kit where you both cook together. If you love him and support him and want to work as a team to improve that’s a great place to start Flowers

Original poster
ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 23:14

@Tealightsandd

It would be a shame if he didn't go to the doctor. All he initially needs is a 5 minute blood test (and perhaps a counselling referral). He'd literally be in and out of there in no time.
How would I raise the subject of him going to the doctor? I'm very keen on getting him to go but I think he would probably put it off unless he felt he had a reason to go if that makes sense. If I could maybe name a few tests they would run it might encourage him more.

He definitely knows he needs to get healthier. Maybe some words from a professional with give him the encouragement he needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraSprinkles · 10/06/2021 23:19

@Northernsoullover

Its really difficult. I no longer find my partner attractive due to his weight gain. I also put on weight in the lockdown and I am really motivated to do something about it. I thought it might spur him on but no. Its just me Sad. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm shallow. As you say it's personal preference. I can't help attraction.
It really is a difficult one. We obviously fluctuate in weight throughout life. It's the lack of interest, Motivation and lethargy that really bothers me. And yeah, I find it difficult to get aroused with him. I hate that I feel this way but I can't stop it.
OP posts:
Student133 · 10/06/2021 23:24

My dad is still quite overweight but has lost over 4 stone in the last year. First thing, ONLY buy food via either online delivery or pickup, I always used to buy crap when in store! Also do not let him do any of it, create a decent meal plan and stick to it, try and get him eating soup for lunch etc. We also got a dog, which definitely helped, but walking round the block daily will be more than enough to start with. I too suspect mental health may be a part of it even I'd its just the last year being stressful on a number of levels and him comfort eating!

leli · 10/06/2021 23:27

My husband and I both struggle with our weight and we are both about a stone above what we were when we met. We do speak to each other about this and we are both trying to lose that stone or a little bit more as we prepare to leave lockdown. Neither of us likes the other's looks as much as we did pre weight gain. But we both love each other anyway.
Point of this is simply to say that we think it's normal to discuss and think about weight gain and to not be massively offended when it's mentioned. My DH told me that I was letting myself go and he was disappointed. This stung but it also showed me how complacent I was getting with my own plates of buttered toast. I resolved, over time, to ditch the extra poundage. 7 stones must put your husband in the seriously overweight/obese category and this isn't trivial for health (both mental and physical) reasons. If I were you I would arrange a day with him alone and I would lovingly tell him that we have to talk about his weight and your concerns for him. You have to be strong and clear and diplomatic and promise to help him. You really have to hear his story and find out what's going on. Maybe he loathes his job and is under horrendous stress. Perhaps you have to agree for him to earn a lot less and have a lifestyle change so he can sort himself out. Maybe he needs a personal trainer to help. But you cannot just let this drift on without serious damage to your mental health and happiness.

Tealightsandd · 10/06/2021 23:27

It's difficult OP.

How old is he? The NHS used to do over 40s health checks pre pandemic. Just a few basic checks - diabetes, cholesterol, blood pressure.

Perhaps, if you're both around that age, you could sell it as something to do together. A kind of midlife MOT?

I agree with PP. Try not to make him feel ugly/bad. He'll lose confidence. Explain you care about him, don't want anything to happen to him, and you're worried.

It's up to the GP to decide which tests but definitely I'd say check for diabetes and thyroid issues.

With possible mental health, I'm not sure how it works everywhere but I think he can self refer for counselling. Perhaps he might feel more comfortable as he can arrange it himself without involving the GP. Most are still doing online or telephone support so he wouldn't have to go in person and could do it in private at home.

I hope you manage to persuade him to get help Flowers

QioiioiioQ · 10/06/2021 23:32

OP, is there anything that you think might motivate him for long enough to make a difference? If nothing changes how long before you walk?

Nannyamc · 10/06/2021 23:37

He needs to see gp. I gained 5 stone in 2 yrs. At 5 ft and 15 stone i was massive. Got blood tests diabetes type 2 underactive thyroid low b12 and iron. Got sent to dietician. Medications for all. 2 yrs later lost 6 stone diabetes reversed iron spot on thyroid and no more b12 injections.
Got meds for anxiety caused by weight also gone. Had lots of breathing difficulties too. Best move i ever made a whole new person.

Nitpickpicnic · 10/06/2021 23:52

It’s not controlling to have a frank conversation with your life partner about their health risks. His actions clearly affect your life- and some of his assumptions (having a full sex life, going on active holidays together, having an equal relationship where one doesn’t need nursing) put you squarely in the frame. You can speak from your perspective, using ‘I’ statements?

Sit him down, or go on a walk (so you’re not across from each other) and just start. Accept nothing less than concrete action- like visiting a GP for tests. Remind him that knowledge is power, and no one is going to tell him off. It’s his life, but you do have a right to comment and warn him if it looks like he’s shortening it.

Also a left-field suggestion- some of the latest DNA kits give you a detailed report of which health concerns you should prioritise. The one I’m doing (Circle DNA) has 3-4 other comprehensive reports on different things as well- some personality stuff, ancestry and those weird genetic things (like, are you someone who can smell phenol?). If you got him a kit as a present (or one each), it might be something that puts the focus on his health in a more stealthy way? They seem to have powerful effects on people, and remind them that some aspects of our lives are ‘set’ while some involve ‘free will’ and willpower.