Husband's Weight

[ExtraSprinkles]

Nc for obvious reasons.

Inspired by an earlier post today. My DH has put on a LOT of weight recently, at least 7st and I am really struggling to accept it.

My main concern is his health. I have gently and eventually abruptly tried to discuss this with him multiple times and every time we discuss it, he will act motivated to lose it and start exercising etc but this only lasts for a week or 2 before he falls back into his old habits. He is always so lethargic and lazy and constantly puts off doing every day tasks because he struggles with energy and it is causing me so much stress. Our family time and life in general is massively affected due to his lethargy and I'm finding myself getting angry at him for ruining plans or lagging behind on the housework etc.

As a family we have always had a very healthy balanced diet so this isn't really an issue however, I've noticed he snacks on loads of junk when I'm in bed so I think he really has a problem.

I understand how shallow this next part sounds. I love him very much and would never leave him or cheat but I am no longer attracted to him. I have a very high sex drive and it's killing me that I can't bring myself to be intimate. It's fairly obvious that we both really want to have sex but I just can't do it and keep making excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Aibu? What would you do?

Can you let us know how’s the conversation goes, op? I have no idea how to broach this subject with my obese husband. I’ve never made it about him. I’ve told him I want to eat more healthily and we could make a healthy meal plan together. It never lasts more than a week.
It hurts me so much he doesn’t give a shit about the future. He doesn’t care if he gets to see his dc grow up.
Both his parents have type 2 diabetes and numerous other health problems.

Your attraction isn't based solely on his looks surely?

🙄
If looks were all op cared about she’d have left him already. She’s here asking for advice because she cares about him and his health.

the problem is that the relief and/or pleasure that he gets from eating is much more powerful than anything else, food is the only thing that motivates and incentivises him, he only goes on the diet because he can look forward to the reward of breaking the diet at the end of it

Well maybe if you can try to bring him to go do some bloods. From there they can rule out diabetes or thyroid problems. Meanwhile cut sweats and treats, try to have something healthy and quickly ready in fridge soup and boiled eggs ex.
Maybe you can both join gym or going for walks after work.

@Francescaisstressed

I've put on a considerable amount of weight since moving in with my partner, around 7 stone as well. I think you need to really communicate about why this has happened? Speaking from my own experience it was mostly due to stress and mental illness. Who does the cooking? If it's him maybe you could do some meals so you can ensure he's eating healthy for some? It definitely warrants a conversation, but I think you need to be upfront about the lack of attraction. It'll either make him change and if it doesn't saldy you need to leave. My partner had the same convo with me, initially I felt attacked and was quite hostile, but I did eventually understand what he was saying and we have change our ways. For example he's tried to start cooking as I would do it all so when j was shattered his go to was a takeaway (fine for him to eat as hes very active I'm not), I bought some exercise equipment etc.

We both do the cooking. We make a meal plan for the week and whoever has the most time will cook that night. Meals are fairly balanced and healthy. I do suspect he might over eat during the day when we are both at work so the healthy meals at home are pretty pointless when he's already maxed out on calories.

I do worry about him feeling attacked but if it worked for you then that can only be a good thing. I'm not sure if I'll mention that I'm not attracted to him at the moment, I'll maybe keep it about the health concerns and take it from there. We are mid 30's so he's probably just getting away with it for now. No doubt it will soon catch up with him the health problems will start if he doesn't make some changes soon.

I will reply to the rest of the comments when I'm home later. Some very good points of view and different perspectives. I will also update with how the conversation goes for those that have asked.

You don't need to say you're not attracted to him but I think it's fair enough to say that sex is uncomfortable for you which is more objective.

I would be worried if DH gained that amount of weight and honestly would have mentioned it well before it got to 7 stone extra. He did gain a bit of weight a few years ago, the snoring was enough to drive me mad.

Do you both have life insurance?
Might be a wake up call trying to get cover at that weight.

I would insist on him seeing a doctor, he might be able to turn this around but will need to get to the root of the cause and of it is stress-related tackle the stress as well as the overeating.
Some of my relatives are very overweight, they have overweight children and it is honestly quite sad to see.

Don't feel bad OP. It sounds like you love him and want to help and you're not being unreasonable to want him to become healthier so you can (be statistically more likely to) enjoy a future together.

Another sympathising with the OP. Someone so obese that s/he snores (though very slim people can too), is too heavy to make love with, just sits on the sofa and can hardly move is (a) very worrying for their own both physical and mental health (b) an appalling example for DC (c) unattractive. I'd say this about a woman too.

Does he have a job?

Another saying get him to a medical centre but so difficult when GPs are mostly online consults.

DH's weight gradually crept up over the last couple of years and reached about 22st. He has tried several times over the years to diet and exercise, made a bit of progress then went backwards. Has a very stressful job and used food as a stress release with eating patterns very similar to the ones described. He only made real changes when he was willing to talk honestly about his relationship with food which has been a lifelong issue and he broke down and joined a support group. This combined with healthy eating and exercise has resulted in him losing 6 stone so far. I have always loved him regardless but it's just lovely to see him happy and confident again rather than breathless from tying his shoelaces.

If a man came on here and wrote exactly the same, but substituting the word ‘wife’ for ‘husband’, he would be slaughtered and called shallow, judgmental, abusive etc etc.

But you’re female, OP, so different rules apply...

I understand where you’re coming from. You’re worried about him, and you feel guilty because you no longer fancy him, which is perfectly understandable. Telling him this would be will almost certainly make things worse, though. Ultimately, obesity is a choice, and until he starts to make different choices about what he eats and how much he exercises, he isn’t going to lose weight. I would try a supportive approach to him getting counselling, joining weight loss groups etc.

@commonsensepleaseQ

Wow. Imagine a man saying this about his wife. You are so unbelievably out of order! If your unhappy then leave. You do not get a say in his body. You sound very controlling!

I would have every sympathy with someone of either sex posting with these concerns. You make it sound like it's none of the OP's business..It sounds as if this might be symptomatic of wider issues, it is clearly affecting family life, the husband is not showing any meaningful signs of tackling it: I would go so far as to describe it as a health crisis akin to developing Type 2 diabetes (which he may well do of course). 7 stone is an enormous weight gain in 2 years. And as for things like the OP losing her attraction for her husband, well that is not shallow or unimportant either and could spell the end of her marriage. I doubt the OP's husband wants that.

@ExtraSprinkles I follow a low carb bootcamp on mumsnet it is coming up to an end soon. If he had some motivation like that weekly weigh ins and talking to others.
The main things to avoid are Potatoes Rice pasta bread.
Eat plenty of green veg and meat and eggs and drink loads of water.
I started 11st 8 have lost 14lb in 10 weeks but many others had higher weight start and bigger losses but for my weight it is recommended 2litres of water
No snacks you soon get into it and don't miss it.
Rather than going to bed at separate times and then he is bored so eats snacks go for a walk or watch a movie.

I think with 7 stone weight gain it's understandable to express your concern. Sounds like he has an eating disorder. Also it's not a bit of weight gain with age or pregnancy, he has really changed from the man you married in lifestyle and expectations. You can really only make gentle suggestions though. Offer to exercise together and things like that but it really has to be up to him.

Update...

So I had the chat and I was pretty blunt about my concerns with his health. He told me he knows he's fat but doesn't see it as a massive health concern. I tried to persuade him to contact GP because they would definitely disagree. He doesn't want to because "he hasn't been sick in years" and he's just fat.

He has agreed to attend the gym more but we've been through this exact scenario before and it only lasts a few weeks.

I asked about his mental health and he did admit to having some anxiety and stress but doesn't feel depressed. He told me that he mostly snacks due to boredom and will try and cut down but wouldn't admit the full extent of his binge eating.

He has told me he would like me to push him to go to the gym when he lacks the motivation and I will do this if that's what it takes to help him. The thought of having to micromanage an adult is really not appealing but if it can give him the kick start that he needs then so be it. Let's hope it works this time.

I would cut the excuses about sex. You shouldnt be dping apologetic avoidance.

There are kinder ways to frame it, maybe like "id like to but i cant because when we get intimate i am reminded how scared i am for your health".

Hi OP.

Ive had a similar situation however, I am your husband in this situation.

Long story short, I am now having treatment for BED (binge eating disorder)which was triggered after a really bad bout of anxiety. For what it's worth, I hid my anxiety and low mood / depression, its called masking. Noone knew not even my partner. So just because he doesn't seem depressed, doesn't mean he's not.

I don't see anything wrong in the way you are being towards him. It sounds like you are coming from a place of concern and genuine care for his wellbeing, which is what he needs. If you can persuade him to be checked over by a gp / talk to someone about what is going on that will be a great step.

My greatest help has been counselling with a specialist

@ExtraSprinkles I was in this situation my ex gained about 5 stone, it wasn't the fat that was unattractive it was the lack of self respect, I made him take out extra life insurance which we still have despite the fact I left him 4 years ago, we still continued to have sex but I found the lack of self care more unattractive than the man boobs.

@ExtraSprinkles, you say you're not attracted to him sexually so make excuses when he initiates sex. You've also said you've tried to motivate him to lose weight by using the health approach, which hasn't worked. So how about discussing that you'd love to have sex with him but his weight is a problem. Not in the sense that you don't fancy him now, but perhaps something along the lines of feeling squashed and suffocated? That you now find it physically uncomfortable as you're so much smaller than him? Maybe this is an awful idea but I'm stuck for what else you can do.

@MissSmiley that's a good idea with the extra life insurance. We do have life insurance but we took that out when he was at least 5st lighter so it's possibly not even void now. I will be suggesting this.

@CandidaAlbicans2 I really didn't want to go down this route but I feel like it may be the only way for him to take action. He clearly doesn't see it as a problem when I am very desperate for some intimacy.

I think I'll give him a month to see if he will stick to the exercise plan and if not, I am going to have to be brutally honest with how I feel. Intimacy in my relationship is very important to me and I don't want to live without it due to his laziness.

Putting that weight on shows no respect for his family , going to the gym will help but that's only 20% of it , the mental health will be miles better not eating the junk and the energy levels will be miles better

OP you sound lovely. This would be a big issue for me too. It’s a really difficult position to be in. They say weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise. He really needs to fix the binge eating. I’ve had some lovely meals out of the pinch of nom book btw. Don’t know if it’s been mentioned. The meals are about 400 calories. Good luck with it.

This happened to my lovely dad. He put on loads of weight in his 30s - high stress desk job, unhappy childhood which meant he associated food with love. I remember watching him scarf down cheese on toast after a hard day at work in the way some people would knock back a Scotch or something.

He did do some exercise but it wasn't anything like enough to offset all the food. If we didn't have junk in the house he'd just eat huge portions of non-junk, or would buy it at work.

I'm not saying the same will happen to your DH, my dad was unlucky, but in his case, he had a fatal heart attack caused by high cholesterol at aged 47. I was 20 and my brother was 17.

I honestly think that counselling or proper therapy would have helped him lots and he might still be here today if he'd had it.

I sympathise with your position OP, it must be really difficult to navigate whilst trying to avoid hurting his feelings.

From the other side, I gained a lot of weight since I met my DP. Over 4 stone, in part due to an underactive thyroid. I’ve been through periods of completely pushing it to the back of my mind and being desperate to lose it. I have however, managed to lose 2 stone of it so far, with my wedding as motivation. My DP has never commented negatively on my weight gain and has been supportive of my loss because he knows I was unhappy with it. My family did comment negatively and I still resent them for it.
Would a motivation work for him? Could you book a beach holiday for next year or something and see if that gives him a push to get started?

You should definitely pursue this. For his own sake and your family.

He needs a wake up call. The GP is a good place to start, ask for an hba1c test to check for pre diabetes . Ask for free referral to NHS Healthier You.

Films/ tv programmes are a good option. That Sugar Film (it’s on YouTube) is entertaining and will shock most people . If he’s a reader “Why We Eat (too much)” or Tim Spector’s Spoon Fed are both very good.

Quit all ultra processed food, move more. Much easier and more sustainable than a calorie controlled diet for someone who is obese.

But he’s going to need a wake up call to spur him into action.

I was in a similar position to your husband, not as much weight gain. My husband was kind and pointed out I really need to get control of my weight. Of course I knew that, but it did help knowing he cared enough to say it.

Also remember you can’t out run a bad diet.

Healthy eating is way more important than exercise. Walking and short circuits are sufficient, there is a risk if he’s working out that he eats more afterwards .