Mum staying with a broken ankle

[jessieb90]

Hi everyone,

My family are from and live in the South, whereas I now live in the North.

Im expecting my first child imminently and this will also be the first grandchild/ nephew for my siblings. We've always planned for my family to travel up more or less as soon as we come home from the hospital (give a day or two) so they can meet little man and I can see them as well (COVID has meant I've only seen them twice throughout my pregnancy).

The plan was for my family to stay in the local B&B which is situated literally next door, but since this my mum has severely broken her ankle and has had to have an operation. Knowing my mum, she'll still want to come up and I also want her too. My sister said if that's the case she can't stay in the B&B and would be better staying with us (which I agree with).

My partner on the other hand is saying that this is not an option as it will be far too stressful for us with a newborn and having to "wait" on my mum as she won't be capable of doing anything herself. I think he's being unreasonable to not allow my mum to stay and it's stressing me out.

What do you guys think?

I think if your Mom is that bad, then yes, you'll end up waiting on her and as you'll be recovering from birth etc that means he'll be expected to do it. But it depends what.

How able is she? Does she have crutches and can get herself to the loo? How is she managing to wash etc?

If she can get up and down to the loo etc but he'd just have to make the drinks and food as he would for you, it's less of an issue but then she could also sleep in the b&b. If she's going to be confined to one room and need help with personal care, are you going to be able to do that?

She will be non weight bearing for at least six weeks if not longer, and yes it’s very very hard. She won’t be able to help you, you will need to support her.

Depends on numerous factors I think

What time span are we talking about? How long post-surgery? How restricted will she be - will she be able to use crutches/have a boot or need a wheelchair?
Can you accommodate your mum on ground floor level or will she frequently need to use the stairs?
How old is your mum and is she normally fit and healthy?
Will your other family members be in the area at the same time and be available to help look after her?

I think you need to consider that you will have a newborn which is exhausting and bewildering. IF you need to have a C-section, oyu will not be up to much yourself. Your DP will be exhausted too and hopefully looking after you as much as possible - he is right, the last thing he needs is having to look after someone lese full time.

You really do need to think things through.

Talk us through it. Who are the "family" who are travelling up - is it just your mum or other relatives too? Is your mum single?

Assuming she is and eg your sister will be driving her, I would suggest she stays with you but the visit is kept very short.

I think your DH is probably right. Your mum is going to need to be sitting around with her foot up most of the time. She may need assistance showering and getting to the loo. She will certainly not be able to cook or help with the baby. If you have other kids, they could leave toys around for her trip over and cause more damage. Your mum may also be taking pain killers. This may impact coordination and decision-making, etc. She might be too tired for baby also. I’d rethink it until she’s better.

Personally unless your mum has a history of being high maintenance I'd have her there as long as the other family are staying too. Your sister can be round to help in the day and as long as there's somewhere your mum can sleep where she can hobble to the bathroom herself she shouldn't be too much of a burden.

Newborn days are hard and esp the first couple of weeks at home I personally would find it even more stressful having someone else to look after. And she’s not going to be able to put weight on her foot or anything so I do agree with your DH.
Also bare in mind incase you need stitches or anything, their painful and do restrict you.

You can have a new baby and help your Mum. I say reframe it as helping your Mum, a grandmother, create a lifelong bond with her first grandchild. I would not think twice but I adore my Mum and having her be part of this special time would be more important to me than anything else.

This may explain why I am now a single mother 😂

Thanks all. It's still very, very fresh. She's only just having surgery today so we've not been informed of healing time or whether she'll need crutches or a wheel chair. And I'm being induced on Sunday.

My family would be my dad, mum and sisters (2).

I've actually not even spoken to my mum about what she wants to do yet, so she may not even be up for it.

I understand where my partner is coming from but we're such a close family and want them to meet him as soon as possible.

I'm also feeling super emotional at the moment so the thought of my mum not meeting my son/ her grandson shortly maxes me cry!

Does the b&b have a disabled room on the ground floor with a wet room? That would Def be easier even if it means you taking baby and going to see her

Maybe delay the visit until she's better, especially if she's only having surgery today! Your dp is being practical and sensible. Keep in touch with your dm on FB Messenger or zoom in the meantime?

When I broke my ankle last year I would not have wanted to travel that far that soon and I didn't have to have it pinned. It's not a minor injury. You do recover but it's more painful and debilitating that I expected.

Tbh having a newborn especially the first few weeks can be really stressful and very tiring. I really wouldn't want anyone staying especially one with a bad injury. I can see where your partner is coming from, I can see where you're coming from also. It's your mum after all and emotionally she can be there for you. It's whatever you think will be best all round.

Depending how mobile she is, how far post opp she is etc etc, I its selfish of your mum to even consider this! Is your sister coming too or just your mum? Why can't they both stay in the hotel together and your sister can look after her?

You and DH need time with your baby to adjust and learn. I'm with your DH on this one. If the tables were turned, would you allow your hardly mobile MIL to stay 2 days after you have given birth?? Why can't your sister come if you think you will need help, then your mum comes once she is mobile, seen the fracture clinic and had the all clear?

If she’s only just having the surgery today she honestly might not feel up to it straight away op.
Would your other family be staying in the b&b? Surely there’s enough of them to help her out

Your husband knows he will be looking after you and your mother.

Team Husband here

How long is the journey? I'd suspect being in a car for any longer than 2 hours could carry a risk of a thrombrosis, so she may be safer staying at home a bit longer x

Sorry, cross post with your update OP. So 4 adults will be staying in your house!!! This is utterly bonkers IMO. No wonder your DH would be upset. I would too. Why can;t they all stay in the hotel, or delay the trip?

How old are you OP? Its likely hormones, but you are coming across as naive and very young! Surely your mums major surgery and recovery comes before her seeing your baby this week or next!

YABU

Maybe look at a premier inn nearby that has accessible rooms.

I don't want to be negative, but I was induced myself and it can be a long process. Not all but some can go on for days and you have a higher chance of intervention. My point is, it's likely you are going to be shattered. Like properly, cannot see straight exhausted. Then you'll be sent home with a newborn. The first few weeks you will want to do what you want, when you want, and you'll likely be half naked a lot of the time given the heat and breast feeding etc.

I'm close with my family but I certainly wouldn't want extended periods of visitors in those first few weeks.

Also, this is all new for your DH as well. He will be learning the ropes too and will be trying to support you. His opinion matters, I know you want to see your family but remember it's likely to be him left to make everyone tea and lunch etc while they get to bond with his child.

Do you feel like you're going to be able to care for a newborn baby, yourself, and your post-op unable to walk mum while adjusting to being a mum? Because I really don't see how you will be able to do that and I don't think you should ask that of your husband either. Because he'll be looking after a newborn, his wife and himself while adjusting to being a dad, that's a massive strain to put on him and yourself.

Ours is 3 weeks now, there is no way I'd be having any overnight guests, but definitely not someone that needs any kind of help or feeding, or cleaning up after.

YABU. I agree with your partner. He'll end up looking after you and your mother. I've had two children and would not let other people stay with me in the newborn days. Definitely not one that is injured. I hope if your entire family are coming that they are going to come and help, not expect to be waited on with tea and biscuits holding your baby. But your mother is currently not capable of helping, she will be another person to look after, and obviously I don't mean any disrespect to your mum.

This is your first baby and you have no idea those first few days/weeks will be like. Constant feeding, nappies, sleepless nights, exhaustion. I felt like I had been hit by a bus after DS1's birth, I had a complicated vaginal birth and recovery. It took me 12 weeks to feel remotely normal again. Before then all I could do was look after my baby, and that was a struggle at first because I couldn't sit down. I'm not saying this to talk down to you, but I think you're going to get a shock if you feel that this is going to be a lovely bonding experience for you all.

Why can’t they all stay in the B&B and your dad and sisters can look after your mum?

I think he also wants some family time just the 3 of you. If you're mums there then she'll get all the cuddles.
How long is his paternity leave? I'd prioritise him and you learning to become parents together and bond with baby which would be hard with your mum being a constant presence. Would she be telling you how to do everything all the time? Surely there's an accessible holiday Inn or something within half an hour of your house?

She should check this out with her medical team before she makes any plans. I suspect they will advise her against travel in the first four to six weeks. From personal experience, her ankle will need to be kept elevated to reduce swelling, which is difficult to do during a car journey, she will be recovering from general anaesthetic, which can leave some people feeling quite rough, she will likely be on some fairly heavy dose codeine based pain killers, so she may be quite groggy, and pain during recovery tends to lead to poor sleep. I personally wouldn't do it, it doesn't sound much fun for anyone.