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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So bloody angry right now

97 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 06:24

We were woken up just after 5 am this morning because somebody had let the dog out. DP was adamant it was my DSs, despite his daughter being awake, and really cross about it. I checked on DSs and they were both sound asleep. Soon after his DD started crashing around in her bedroom and talking loudly to herself (she's on the spectrum and this is normally for her). I asked DP to get her to be quiet.

It transpired that his daughter got up, is fully dressed for school and she let the dog out. All of a sudden DP isn't cross any more, thinks it's mildly amusing that she's up so early and has decided to go to his gym session that he was going to cancel last night. He even thanked his DD for getting him to the gym.

This is the latest in a string of double standards but I'm so tired I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
OutLikeLight · 10/06/2021 06:29

I think as she's on the spectrum (your words) it doesn't feel like double standards - but I do feel for you being woken up!

MichelleScarn · 10/06/2021 06:29

Of course you're not unreasonable!! So your ds are the 'culprits' it's annoying and wrong, his dd and its an amusing jape.
How old are the children and does he do this frequently?

LawnFever · 10/06/2021 06:31

Not unreasonable, the double standard is unfair and the assumption that it was your kids is not right.

I’d be having words when he gets back, you’re right to be annoyed especially if this is an ongoing theme.

Sirzy · 10/06/2021 06:37

You can’t always work to the same standards when someone is autistic. That very much depends on the person and their abilities and understanding.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 06:41

I'm not annoyed that she woke us up - more annoyed that DP just assumed it was my kids not his.

I apologise if I got the terminology wrong. DS2 is currently waiting for assessment himself, but DP never gives him the benefit of the doubt the same way he does with his DD.

OP posts:
Shouldershrugger · 10/06/2021 06:45

I dont think the issue is with dd or her being on the spectrum. The issue is the difference in treatment amongst the dc. My dh done the same thing, I put up with it for a year but then I snapped. I told him he was differentiating and I gave a looooomg list if examples. I said that if my dc bothered him that much, I'd leave.
Not saying op should leave, but bring up the issue. Talk about it. Tell him he's being an arsehole.

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 06:45

Do your children even like your dp? Does it matter to you that he treats them badly?

PracticingPerson · 10/06/2021 06:46

Automatically blaming sleeping kids is pretty weird. He sounds very unfair and I think this could cause a lot of problems, for your sons, if it continues.

His DD sounds like she requires different standards, but that doesn't mean blaming other people.

Shouldershrugger · 10/06/2021 06:46

Long and if. Sorry

partyatthepalace · 10/06/2021 06:48

You need to have a talk w DP about having fairness in the way you treat all the kids. She may need extra support but their needs to be parity or all of them will get resentful. Also DD needs to be encouraged in sticking with boundaries - she cannot wake the house up and be praised for it.

legotruck · 10/06/2021 06:52

I dont think the issue is with dd or her being on the spectrum. The issue is the difference in treatment amongst the dc.

Many years ago my Nanna pulled me up for treating my DC 'differently' - I treated them as such because they are different. The eldest is NT and sibling autistic. Of course I treated them differently. You can't put the same level of expectation on a child with autism. Fortunately, another autistic child later, she now understands why I raised them as I did.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 06:56

He needs to stop automatically assuming its DS

HelpfulBelle · 10/06/2021 06:58

DS1 has autism/ADHD and woke me up crashing around this morning. Seems to be a thing! Grin

Howshouldibehave · 10/06/2021 07:01

@Sirzy

You can’t always work to the same standards when someone is autistic. That very much depends on the person and their abilities and understanding.
That’s missing the point.
3Britnee · 10/06/2021 07:01

I bet this spills over in to other areas with the kids too. Is he much stricter with your kids? Tells them off more often?

updownroundandround · 10/06/2021 07:05

OP you need to have a talk with him about why he was angry, why he 'assumed' it was your DS's who woke him, and why this 'magically' changed to 'amusement' when he realised it was his DD.

If he can recognise the 'double standard', then there's hope.

Eskarina1 · 10/06/2021 07:06

There's a difference between not cross and amused. He assumed it was your children and was "really cross". It's the being really cross with your children without evidence that would bug me. Did he acknowledge he was wrong/apologise after? Is he acting like it's no big deal to you or just with his daughter?

Also, are you (the person presumably providing childcare for him) irrelevant in his decision to go to the gym? What if you're tired and don't want to deal with a wide awake child?

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 07:09

@3Britnee

I bet this spills over in to other areas with the kids too. Is he much stricter with your kids? Tells them off more often?
Yes it does. We're actually under the Early Help Team at the moment because DS2's behaviour is so challenging. I've asked them to help us come up with a consistent way of parenting for all 3 kids. We were due to have a meeting then our worker went off sick. We've now been advised to try the Triple P course.
OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 10/06/2021 07:11

This has nothing to do with the fact the DSD is on the spectrum.

It has to do with the fact that the DH was angry at OP’s DS’ even though they were fast asleep and he hadn’t even established whether it was them. Then when it transpired it was his DD his anger turned to amusement.

Rather than automatically looking to blame OP’s DC, he should have been exploring who had let the dog out, and dealt with it then.

And no, amusement and thanks is not ok even if the child is on the spectrum. While the reaction may not be able to be the same, children on the spectrum do still need boundaries.

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 07:11

How long has he been living with you ?

3Britnee · 10/06/2021 07:25

I'd seriously think about leaving. Your kids won't be happy, they will be picking up on this. Does his behaviour make your ds2's behaviour worse?

SmokeyDevil · 10/06/2021 07:36

You need to stand up for your sons and tell your 'd'p that the way he behaves is not acceptable. Currently you are choosing your dp over your sons because you are letting him get away with treating them like this. They will struggle to forgive you in the future if you don't put an end to it, one way or another. If that means breaking up with the knobhead, then do so. It's not at all fair on them the way he reacts about them doing something wrong, yet his daughter gets thanked for it. How stupid is he, doing that? Hmm If this is normal behaviour for him, I'd tell him he's got one last chance to quit being a twat or I'm gone.

CaMePlaitPas · 10/06/2021 07:43

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.

Zzelda · 10/06/2021 07:51

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.
Have you missed the fact that it was OP's husband getting cross about being woken, not OP? She was cross about his instant assumption that her children had caused it.

And 5 a.m. is early, weekday or not.

3Britnee · 10/06/2021 07:51

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.
Wtf 😂