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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So bloody angry right now

97 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 06:24

We were woken up just after 5 am this morning because somebody had let the dog out. DP was adamant it was my DSs, despite his daughter being awake, and really cross about it. I checked on DSs and they were both sound asleep. Soon after his DD started crashing around in her bedroom and talking loudly to herself (she's on the spectrum and this is normally for her). I asked DP to get her to be quiet.

It transpired that his daughter got up, is fully dressed for school and she let the dog out. All of a sudden DP isn't cross any more, thinks it's mildly amusing that she's up so early and has decided to go to his gym session that he was going to cancel last night. He even thanked his DD for getting him to the gym.

This is the latest in a string of double standards but I'm so tired I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or not.

OP posts:

BirthdayCakeBelly · 10/06/2021 09:24

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.

Ha ha. Anyone/thing wakes me before 7am and I’m like the walking dead.

DancesWithTortoises · 10/06/2021 09:25

Your DH is being a prick. Who is looking after his DD while he's at the gym? He should be.

NameChange456789 · 10/06/2021 09:27

Who are you angry with your DP or his daughter? If it's your SD then yabu

mam0918 · 10/06/2021 09:31

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.

5am is stupidly early... I dont know anyone that gets up that early.

Early birds I know get up at 6am and they are still few and far between, most get up between 7 and 8.30 depending on their curcumstances.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 10/06/2021 09:32

Who looked after his daughter while he was at the gym? Who took her to school?

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 09:35

Think you’ve got yourself a cocklodger Op.

mam0918 · 10/06/2021 09:36

@Sirzy

In all seriousness though what does need to happen now is the door key moved so none of the children can get out to let the dogs out or for any other reason

Well thats illegal and dangerous.

When I had my last child they did house checks to make sure parents didnt have extra locks or deadbolts up high on doors etc... that could stop a child escaping in an emeragancy, its classed as abuse and a fire risk.

SmokeyDevil · 10/06/2021 10:07

@tootiredtospeak

Did someone really say leave him over that jeez. I get the blended family part is hard my DS is mine who has ASD my other 2 younger DS and DD are mine and DPs but we dont parent them the same. You can be consistent with an ASD child and give them consistent boundaries but that will look very different to how you parent NT children it really will.

So if your asd child did something wrong, you would thank them for it?

pickingdaisies · 10/06/2021 10:09

Is the blended family a relatively new thing? Is your ds struggling with the arrangement?

Original poster

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 10:27

@NameChange456789

Who are you angry with your DP or his daughter? If it's your SD then yabu

I'm not angry at SD at all - yes it was irritating being woken up too early but these things happen - mine have woken up too early on occasion too

I'm angry at DP for suddenly changing his tune.

I just feel really sad today. We're supposed to be getting married in 3 months and I just don't think we can.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 10:36

How long are you together?
What ages are the children?

Rosebel · 10/06/2021 10:37

I get up at 2am for work and I still think 5 is bloody early.
You're right to be annoyed with your partner and you really need to talk about it. You need to ask why he was angry when he thought your kids had done it but amused when it was his daughter.
And I hope he's happy to be woken up at 5 every day now. Autistic children are very literal. He's thanked her for waking him up so she'll now think this is a good thing and do it all the time. And if she does tell your partner he is not going to the gym, he is dealing with his child and you are going back to bed.
If he can't see how wrong his behaviour is I don't think marriage is a good idea. Sorry OP.

KarmaStar · 10/06/2021 10:38

I would not stand for my dc being bullied in their own home and dp would be gone.
The fact that you allow him to blame your dc says a lot.Never mind they were asleep and didn't hear,it won't be the first time he's displayed anger immediately towards them.
With two dc with sn I can empathise that it's extremely difficult and challenging for you op and I hope you get the help you've asked for.
But he has to stop this blaming your dc.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 10:40

If his DD is on the spectrum then obviously that makes a huge difference. I would be much more annoyed at someone waking me up because they're careless or selfish then doing it because they're just unaware due to social differences!

That said I don't see why he was so adament it was your DSs who let the dog out when they were both sound asleep. It sounds a bit like he's very keen to blame them which would really bother me alot.

5zeds · 10/06/2021 10:43

I have a mixed bunch of kids. Parenting should be adjusted to fit the child not the other way round (IMO), but then in our house anything else would be ludicrous.
If your boys are capable of not waking others up and letting the dog out too early then of course dh would be annoyed if they did. If your dsd can’t do that (yet!) then of course he shouldn’t be annoyed. Though I find not being annoyed hard at 5am anyway.

Ourlady · 10/06/2021 10:47

Don't get married.
You have had a taste of what it's going to be like going forward. His child does something annoying...its funny.
Your child does something annoying(even though they didn't but got the blame anyway)and he gets well pissed off and angry.

FierceBarrie · 10/06/2021 10:48

Why are you with someone who doesn’t like your child?

Ninkanink · 10/06/2021 10:50

I completely understand why you’re angry. And I agree, you really can’t get married. Please be brave and do right by yourself and your children.

thedancingbear · 10/06/2021 10:51

@FierceBarrie

Why are you with someone who doesn’t like your child?

It's pretty clear the same question could be posed to the OP's partner.

TooMuchPaper · 10/06/2021 10:54

It seems as if two adults have put their own wants and needs ahead of the wants and needs of their respective children. At least in this case one of them appears to see the light of day before it's too late and another joint child is added to the mix (never mind getting married and entangled financially and legally). Better to call a halt asap.

FierceBarrie · 10/06/2021 10:55

But he’s not here, so we can’t ask him.

Either way…

Lovemusic33 · 10/06/2021 10:55

The autism is relevant in a way. This is the exact reason I wouldn’t have another man in my house (living with my dc). Both my dc’s have ASD, one wakes at 4am, she will talk to herself, she will let the cat out/in and will go up and down the stairs, my kids are pretty much allowed to do what they like and I’m pretty sure no one else would understand my parenting style and how we live with ASD in our household.

PeachMelba78 · 10/06/2021 10:57

I have 1 child with Autism, 1 with ADHD. We would give the same consequences, but use different explanations and strategies to get to that point. We all live in the same house and community, so we need to follow the same rules, whilst also being mindful of additional needs.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/06/2021 11:13

Is he being defensive of his daughter perhaps?
Did he say sorry for sniping at you or acknowledge he was wrong to blame your boys when he realised it was his daughter?
Irrespective of the children's various needs/issues I think that is the core of the problem.

LeopardHawk · 10/06/2021 11:21

None of these children should be forced to continue living in a 'home' with an adult who dislikes them so much.

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