Page 4 | So bloody angry right now

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 2021-06-10T05:24:53+00:00

We were woken up just after 5 am this morning because somebody had let the dog out. DP was adamant it was my DSs, despite his daughter being awake, and really cross about it. I checked on DSs and they were both sound asleep. Soon after his DD started crashing around in her bedroom and talking loudly to herself (she's on the spectrum and this is normally for her). I asked DP to get her to be quiet. It transpired that his daughter got up, is fully dressed for school and she let the dog out. All of a sudden DP isn't cross any more, thinks it's mildly amusing that she's up so early and has decided to go to his gym session that he was going to cancel last night. He even thanked his DD for getting him to the gym. This is the latest in a string of double standards but I'm so tired I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or not.

snowallspring · 10/06/2021 11:23

@thedancingbear Why are you with someone who doesn’t like your child?

It's pretty clear the same question could be posed to the OP's partner.

Yes, absolutely correct.

It is cruel and awful for all of the children involved - hers and his. No child should have to grow up in a household with an adult who despise them.

OP - I agree you absolutely should not go ahead with the marriage.

MintyMabel · 10/06/2021 11:24

it doesn't feel like double standards

Of course it is. It is either ok for the dog to be let out at 5am or it isn't.

I can understand reasonable adjustments/allowances are made, but that doesn't mean whatever they do is ok. The DD may well be capable enough of understanding that shouldn't have been done but did it anyway. To suggest that someone with autism has no control over any of their actions is quite demeaning.

Original poster

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 11:24

@thedancingbear why are you so convinced I dislike DP's DD - where have I said anything to that effect?

I will talk to him this weekend when the children are at their other parents. They are 11, 11 and 8 and get on very well. They were so excited when we said we were moving in together. And I have asked the school and my ex to tell me if they ever express unhappiness at the situation. My ex is a bastard who would be only too happy to ask leading questions to the boys to get at me. So I genuinely don't think they are aware of this - but it does need to change before we can even think of getting married.

OP posts:

5zeds · 10/06/2021 11:27

Or maybe he just woke up grumpy and then saw the funny side and decided to make the most of it and go to the gym?

theemmadilemma · 10/06/2021 11:28

Yes, this is not a great omen for marriage.

Yes you have to have different expectations of his DD, but his attitude towards your boys stinks. I see a future where any slight from your boys receives anger and disdain, but everything his DD does is acceptable.

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 11:29

The older 2 children will be reaching puberty soon. Add hormones into the mix and it will make a difficult situation even harder.
How long have you been with your dp?

TatianaBis · 10/06/2021 11:32

Is this blended family actually working OP? If he favours his DD and automatically suspects/accuses yours - it doesn't sound like it is.

If he and his DD are causing problems (albeit unintentionally on his DD's part) - perhaps it would be easier to parent your kids alone?

TatianaBis · 10/06/2021 11:34

[quote MyGhastIsFlabbered]@thedancingbear why are you so convinced I dislike DP's DD - where have I said anything to that effect?

I will talk to him this weekend when the children are at their other parents. They are 11, 11 and 8 and get on very well. They were so excited when we said we were moving in together. And I have asked the school and my ex to tell me if they ever express unhappiness at the situation. My ex is a bastard who would be only too happy to ask leading questions to the boys to get at me. So I genuinely don't think they are aware of this - but it does need to change before we can even think of getting married. [/quote]
Moving in with more kids may have sounded like a party.

The reality may be very different, particularly if your DP is favouring his DD.

TatianaBis · 10/06/2021 11:35

Bottom line is you can't co-parent with a partner with double standards - one rule for his kid and one for yours.

thedancingbear · 10/06/2021 13:05

[quote MyGhastIsFlabbered]@thedancingbear why are you so convinced I dislike DP's DD - where have I said anything to that effect?

I will talk to him this weekend when the children are at their other parents. They are 11, 11 and 8 and get on very well. They were so excited when we said we were moving in together. And I have asked the school and my ex to tell me if they ever express unhappiness at the situation. My ex is a bastard who would be only too happy to ask leading questions to the boys to get at me. So I genuinely don't think they are aware of this - but it does need to change before we can even think of getting married. [/quote]
There seems to be antipathy on both sides. A few other posters have picked up on it, in fairness.

All I've said is that this is one of those situations where other parties involved may have a different reflection on the situation, and posters shouldn't be as quick to jump in and call him a 'prick' and shout LTB. Life is usually more complicated than that, and the alternative interpretation is that he feels the need to defend his DD from you. His behaviour is consistent with that as much as simple 'double standards'.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/06/2021 13:43

he feels the need to defend his DD from you. His behaviour is consistent with that as much as simple 'double standards

I've read the thread, concentrated on OP's posts, and nowhere do I see antipathy towards the DD. I see someone who is rightly upset that her DP immediately got angry and blamed her children even though they were asleep. But stopped being angry, and even became amused and praising when he learned that it was his DD.

If anyone needs defending against anyone, it's the OP's DCs against the DP. He doesn't seem to like them very much at all.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 10/06/2021 14:28

I wouldn't marry him.
I wouldn't be happy with how quick he was to get cross with my kids either.
You are two families living seperately in the same house both on different teams.
It won't work.

cherrytreesa · 10/06/2021 14:29

It is cruel and awful for all of the children involved - hers and his. No child should have to grow up in a household with an adult who despise them

Ah good ol' Mumsnet eh? This poster has blatantly made this up so that it gives an excuse to step-mum bash. So blatant.

Holly60 · 10/06/2021 14:45

[quote Rejoiningperson]**@thedancingbear* or @Holly60* I don’t get your posts at all. You don’t seem to have read the actual incidents that happened? OP has not been cross at her step daughter, she wasn’t the one to wake up and get cross and say to her DP ‘this is your DD’ in a fury, only to find out it was her own son and shrug it off.

If the above was the case, then OP would have been unfair. But it wasn’t, it was her DP. Her DP who clearly made a difference between the children in the household where his step son = gets cross; his daughter = totally fine. That’s the evidence, where is the OPs unfair treatment of his daughter? Unless I missed a vital post there is none.[/quote]
My point was that it is possibly unconscious bias that her DP isn’t really aware of but that she has noticed. My suggestion was that she call it out in a nice way when it happens. Hope that clears it up for you.

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 15:58

@Holly60 apologies then I was confused - I thought you were saying that the OP was unconsciously biased against the ‘difficult’ daughter (as was described in the post).

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 15:59

he feels the need to defend his DD from you. His behaviour is consistent with that as much as simple 'double standards

How bizarre I don’t know if we are reading the same post?! He’s not defending - he’s on the attack!

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2021 16:11

I’m glad you have the perspective to realise that double standards on parenting children when you each have some doesn’t make for a good marriage.

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 16:33

Again @timeisnotaline what double standards has the OP displayed? Very confused.

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 16:36

I think @timeisnotaline is referring to the op’s own declaration that this incident is the latest in a string of double standards (presumably on the part of her dp) and that she is fed up with it.

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 16:39

Thanks @nimbuscloud I just thought that she said ‘double standards on parenting children when you each have some’ - standards I thought but she must have meant children.

TicTacHoh · 10/06/2021 19:50

Ex was like this with ex dsd’s and our own children. It will never change, get out.

MiddlesexGirl · 10/06/2021 23:38

:36mam0918

Sirzy

In all seriousness though what does need to happen now is the door key moved so none of the children can get out to let the dogs out or for any other reason

Well thats illegal and dangerous.

When I had my last child they did house checks to make sure parents didnt have extra locks or deadbolts up high on doors etc... that could stop a child escaping in an emeragancy, its classed as abuse and a fire risk.

Surely not
Until a child is mature enough to know not to open the door or to be safe when out and about alone then it's much safer to have the door properly secured. If that means a high lock is the safest option then surely that's what any sensible parent would do. As for abuse!!!