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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So bloody angry right now

97 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 06:24

We were woken up just after 5 am this morning because somebody had let the dog out. DP was adamant it was my DSs, despite his daughter being awake, and really cross about it. I checked on DSs and they were both sound asleep. Soon after his DD started crashing around in her bedroom and talking loudly to herself (she's on the spectrum and this is normally for her). I asked DP to get her to be quiet.

It transpired that his daughter got up, is fully dressed for school and she let the dog out. All of a sudden DP isn't cross any more, thinks it's mildly amusing that she's up so early and has decided to go to his gym session that he was going to cancel last night. He even thanked his DD for getting him to the gym.

This is the latest in a string of double standards but I'm so tired I can't work out if I'm unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/06/2021 07:51

I think you know you have a real partner problem that needs addressing. I take it you live together

Brefugee · 10/06/2021 07:51

Oh get out of here. Being woken suddenly like that at 5am on any day is bloody early.

OP sure, treat the kids differently according to their needs at that moment. But consistent doing your DSs down and being all lovely to his DD? That's not the way to successfully blend a family

MiddlesexGirl · 10/06/2021 07:55

5am Shock If I was a neighbour woken up by a barking dog or someone crashing around next door I'd say it was exceptionally unreasonable!

MiddlesexGirl · 10/06/2021 07:57

And yes .... DP is unreasonable too. There's no excuse for blaming your kids, there's no excuse for having such a difference in attitude to the DC, and there's no excuse for waltzing out to the gym and leaving you to deal with the fallout.

Sirzy · 10/06/2021 07:59

In all seriousness though what does need to happen now is the door key moved so none of the children can get out to let the dogs out or for any other reason

MargaretThursday · 10/06/2021 08:00

It does depend on why he thought it was your ds. If your ds has done it, or similar, before, then assuming it was him isn't unreasonable. If I was woken by a child crashing about downstairs I would be pretty certain it was #3, possible #2 and very surprised if it was #1, simply because of past experience

You also throw in understanding and the meaning behind it. If she would have done it because she woke and thought she was being helpful, it's different to if someone has done it having been told not to do it, or done it because their attitude is "if I'm awake everyone should be."

I'm not saying that is the situation, but reacting to children differently sometimes is correct.
For example, if #1 comes to me saying she needs pain killers, I know she's in a lot of pain. #2, I'll often tend to suggest (unless it's a migraine) to hold back and see how it goes. That's because #1 only takes them as a last resort, and #2 would take them at the thought that there might be pain. (they're adults now, so I've had a lot of time to watch) #3 again I know he needs it if he asks for it, because he's more likely to refuse them when he's clearly in pain.

Elderflower14 · 10/06/2021 08:01

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.
Yes it jolly well is!!!
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 10/06/2021 08:14

@CaMePlaitPas

5am isn't that early on a week day, I think given the circumstances YABU.
There's always one! Grin
OP posts:
AbsolutelyPatsy · 10/06/2021 08:35

sounds like a minefield, op. he was wrong, but perhaps he will regret his attitude now.

Holly60 · 10/06/2021 08:35

I think you are probably facing a very common problem with blended families. I’m sure it is very very hard not to have an unconscious bias towards your own children. To you it’s probably glaringly obvious but he may be oblivious. I wonder if you have an unconscious bias towards your DSs that your husband has noticed? I think the only thing you can do is keep talking about it, call each other out on it (in a nice way) and try to notice it and deal with it when it comes up. His stronger feelings for his daughter are a biological imperative.

TooMuchPaper · 10/06/2021 08:39

Whose house are you living in? Did he move into yours or did you move into his? What age are the children and how to they get on?
And do you think it would be more beneficial to your children if he and his daughter moved out? If the answer is yes, then that is what needs to happen.

tootiredtospeak · 10/06/2021 08:43

No its not double standards as you dont always expect the same behaviour from someone on the spectrum. I would be annoyed that she had woke me up but the kids didnt wake up so overall no massive harm done sounds like normal life to me. I have a DS 19 on the spectrum who likes to stay up late baths at 10pm each night...we have many conversations about considering others and keeping the noise down but it doesn't always compute.

ittakes2 · 10/06/2021 08:44

OP, there are a lot of posts on mumsnet with step children. I noticed your OP was very much my kids and his kids. People do write in this way but its usually when the step children are only with them part time. They don't usually write in this way if the children live with them full time. If all three children are with you full time...people's choice of words is a window into how they are thinking. There is a very clear divide in your family. You might find it interesting to ask your children to draw a picture of the full family. It's likely the children will not draw you as one group but will have different family members more apart than others. I think if this is true you might find it helpful for you and your partner to explore why.

tootiredtospeak · 10/06/2021 08:47

Did someone really say leave him over that jeez. I get the blended family part is hard my DS is mine who has ASD my other 2 younger DS and DD are mine and DPs but we dont parent them the same. You can be consistent with an ASD child and give them consistent boundaries but that will look very different to how you parent NT children it really will.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/06/2021 08:52

@HelpfulBelle

DS1 has autism/ADHD and woke me up crashing around this morning. Seems to be a thing! Grin
Yep. Mine is the same
thedancingbear · 10/06/2021 08:52

I'd like to hear the husband's side of this one.

It sounds as if the OP could have a bit of a beef with her loud, autistic step daughter, such that her DH feels the need to be defensive of her.

Of course we're not going to get that other side of the picture, but I would be reluctant to condemn the DH based on this (by definition) one sided account.

nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 08:53

Did someone really say leave him over that jeez
If it’s an insight into how he feels about her children then yes, him moving out is something that she needs to give thought to. Him blaming her children for something they didn’t do is not on.

thedancingbear · 10/06/2021 08:53

@Holly60

I think you are probably facing a very common problem with blended families. I’m sure it is very very hard not to have an unconscious bias towards your own children. To you it’s probably glaringly obvious but he may be oblivious. I wonder if you have an unconscious bias towards your DSs that your husband has noticed? I think the only thing you can do is keep talking about it, call each other out on it (in a nice way) and try to notice it and deal with it when it comes up. His stronger feelings for his daughter are a biological imperative.
Exactly this. It's highly likely that the OP has an element of (being charitable) unconscious bias against her partner's 'difficult' daughter.
nimbuscloud · 10/06/2021 08:54

The Op also says this
This is the latest in a string of double standards.

KeepingTrack · 10/06/2021 09:00

Not ok

  • automatically assuming a problem is the fault of some of the dcs and not the others
  • telling a child (autistic or not) that waking people up is not just ok but a good thing to do.

Ok

  • treating children differently because they are different.

In the OP’s case, this means that it’s not ok to assume it had to be one of HER dcs.
It’s not ok to tell the dd that is was good she woke everyone up and to THANK HER for doing so.
It’s also not ok to treat the dd differently because of the autism but not to do the same thing with the ds who is also being assessed, needing outside intervention etc....

Basically it seems to be one rule for the OP’s dcs and one rule for his dd....

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 09:01

You are right to be annoyed because kids will notice this also. Stick up for your DS every single time your DP is ‘really cross’. Question him ‘why were you really cross it was DSS but fine that it was DD?’

I’ve had this with Ex. We had a step family and he was adamant that he was a lovely person with all of them. He would always be more cross at my son that his daughter. And even more annoyingly, when I was cross at my son for something - he’d then undermine me! I called him out on it, but it was only when DS himself told me he was sick of being treated in an unfair way by his step Dad, that I really enforced my zero tolerance of this! Ex DP grudgingly eventually changed and it was quite important for my DS and my relationship that he saw that I had his back on this.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 10/06/2021 09:05

That would make me really angry too. If it's your house, give him his fucking marching orders then focus on you and your son - not worry about attending parenting meetings so you can successfully blend the family.

What was your reason for moving in with him originally?

Rejoiningperson · 10/06/2021 09:05

@thedancingbear or @Holly60 I don’t get your posts at all. You don’t seem to have read the actual incidents that happened? OP has not been cross at her step daughter, she wasn’t the one to wake up and get cross and say to her DP ‘this is your DD’ in a fury, only to find out it was her own son and shrug it off.

If the above was the case, then OP would have been unfair. But it wasn’t, it was her DP. Her DP who clearly made a difference between the children in the household where his step son = gets cross; his daughter = totally fine. That’s the evidence, where is the OPs unfair treatment of his daughter? Unless I missed a vital post there is none.

Waspsarearseholes · 10/06/2021 09:07

@Sirzy

In all seriousness though what does need to happen now is the door key moved so none of the children can get out to let the dogs out or for any other reason
No. You don't make it impossible for people to get out of a house. House fires do happen.
BirthdayCakeBelly · 10/06/2021 09:23

So when he thinks it was one of your children he’s “really cross about it” but when he realises it was his child it’s “amusing”???

YANBU.