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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disheartened DS is now aware of comments on his size.

111 replies

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 17:04

DS is 18 months old and quite little. For context he has only just gone into some 9-12 month stuff, but still fits easily into most 6-9 month clothing and even some 3-6 stuff. He has tiny feet and there isn't much to him weight wise. He is just on the lower end of the centile charts and that's fine by me, after all someone has to be there.

I'm well used to comments about his size and normally brush them off as small talk but today after 3 separate parents continually steered the conversation around his size and how small he was DS started to repeat them and say the word 'mall' whilst pointing to himself in the same way he says cup and points to a cup.

I appreciate he is indeed small but I was sort of hoping he wouldn't yet be aware or make the link that when people said small they were referring to him. Am I unreasonable to be sad he's made the connection and wish people would stop commenting on his size.

OP posts:

notanothertakeaway · 09/06/2021 17:40

But he is small....and that's fine. People come in all shapes and sizes. you're the one making out this is a problem

If someone comments on it and it bothers you, you can say "Yes, he's quite small for his age. Anyway, did I tell you about ..." Don't engage with conversation about it if you don't want to, but you have a lifetime ahead of comparisons so you need to find a way to deal with that

Hallyup6 · 09/06/2021 17:40

My 4 year old can fit into age 18 months t-shirts. I call my two year old small in comparison to her 10 year old sister. Your child will pick up on anything and try to copy. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. He doesn't have any concept of being small.

Original poster

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 17:42

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

If him being small doesnt bother you, why are you concerned about him understanding it? It's a descriptive word. He IS small, so what. You are making it out to be a negative thing

It genuinely doesn't bother me and I know it's just a way to describe him but there are lots of other words to use to describe him however this word often seems to be the one he hears others use to describe him.

One of the parents today described him continuously as small and yet used other words like clever, quick and smiley to describe the other child he was playing with.

I guess some of it is projection that I don't want people only seeing him as small as if that's all there is to him.

OP posts:

Gemzee · 09/06/2021 17:48

My son has been tiny all his life. He is 3 next month and in size 1 - 1.5yrs trousers/shorts. I comment on his size, as do other people but he doesn't seem phased by it. My friends son was the same and now at nearly 4, is wearing his correct size. Try not to worry this early.

Crumpetsandhoney · 09/06/2021 17:50

As a m of another small toddler I understand feeling a bit awkward when people make comments about size. But the issue here is your feelings not his. Small is neither a positive or negative thing and you can let it wash over you the way you would someone saying blond or freckly or tall.
Yes he's repeating a word. Maybe he'll stay small maybe he'll grow but if you work on believing he'll be destined to be his perfect height for him it won't produce such an emotional reaction in you which is picked up by your son soon enough.
I do empathise about the issues though

1starwars2 · 09/06/2021 17:51

DS2 is very small, and always has been. People will comment on it, and I really don't think it bothers him.
In year 6 visiting a secondary school for a tour one of the teachers said "they get smaller every year" pointedly at DS. DS waited until she was out of earshot and then said "How rude!" Miranda style. Everyone laughed.

I am sure your son will develop his own way of dealing with it, and as long as you don't make being small an issue, he won't either.

BTW - Lionel Messi is small.

MatildaTheCat · 09/06/2021 17:53

Actually I think you are right to be concerned. He will very likely be small throughout his childhood/ life and it’s very undermining to have a constant narrative about how tiny he is. My DN is very small and has suffered a lot from being treated differently throughout his school life.

Just find a way of telling people nicely that it’s not up for discussion and your doctor has no concerns thanks. ( I am assuming that’s true).

Original poster

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 17:53

@1starwars2

DS2 is very small, and always has been. People will comment on it, and I really don't think it bothers him. In year 6 visiting a secondary school for a tour one of the teachers said "they get smaller every year" pointedly at DS. DS waited until she was out of earshot and then said "How rude!" Miranda style. Everyone laughed.

I am sure your son will develop his own way of dealing with it, and as long as you don't make being small an issue, he won't either.

BTW - Lionel Messi is small.

Hopefully if he continues on his currently rate of growth and ends up being smaller than his peers he had the excellent sense of timing and humor shown by your son.

OP posts:

Sometimesfraught82 · 09/06/2021 17:55

* I'd love to believe he genuinely doesn't understand an fit is a case of me projecting*

He has no idea
And even if he did - he won’t give a toss

notalwaysalondoner · 09/06/2021 17:55

My cousin's first child is unusually small and always has been, he's now 10, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, he's a ballsy, feisty little boy. Don't project your insecurities on him, there's no reason it should bother him unless and until he's post-puberty and still unusually short, which is very unlikely and impossible to tell from an 18 month old.

Sometimesfraught82 · 09/06/2021 17:56

If he’s still considerably small than peers at 4, it will register with him

But he won’t really be bothered until end of reception

Sometimesfraught82 · 09/06/2021 17:57

@notalwaysalondoner

It will likely bother him at this age.

Almost certainly

ittakes2 · 09/06/2021 17:58

Sorry you are projecting - all 18 months olds are small!

fashionablefennel · 09/06/2021 18:01

@ittakes2

Sorry you are projecting - all 18 months olds are small!

😂 that's another way to see it.

Original poster

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 18:04

@ittakes2

Sorry you are projecting - all 18 months olds are small!

Well that's one way of looking at it

OP posts:

youngandbroken · 09/06/2021 18:24

My 2 year old is still fitting in some 3-6 month clothes (a pair of shorts and some coats and cardigans) some people are just built tiny and that's OK. Sometimes they shoot up in puberty and sometimes not (I stayed tiny and only got to 4'9 which some what explains my dds tiny stature). As long as nobs of his doctors/health visitors are concerned your right not to worry. As for him noticing what others are saying I wouldn't worry, at 18 months he won't realise what it means and he won't be comparing himself to anyone else it's just a new word he's found.

MonsterJammin · 09/06/2021 18:25

I totally understand and went through the same with DS1. He was a preemie and always on the lower centiles - at his 2.5 year check he wasn't even on a line. The number of people that felt the need to comment on it, especially in front of DS was unreal. I was like no shit Sherlock, I hadn't noticed he was small, thanks for pointing that out

He got upset a few times, especially in P1 at school as someone told him that he was tiny so couldn't play on something. But we changed the narrative and explained that he'd actually grown more than anyone in his class as he'd started off so small. He's now 6 and whilst he's still on the smaller side, he's catching up and is no longer noticeably smaller in his class.

Ultimately, there's nothing that can be done so it's just about giving them confidence.

Original poster

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 18:31

The number of people that felt the need to comment on it, especially in front of DS was unreal. I was like no shit Sherlock, I hadn't noticed he was small, thanks for pointing that out

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I'm standing there going well yes you've just asked how old he is so obviously you know he isn't the same size as most children that age and clearly I know this too so why do you feel the need to point it out. It's like groundhog day in conversation form.

I will certainly endeavour to help build his confidence as he grows and make sure he knows if he continues to be smaller that his size will never hold him back.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 18:42

I get why you feel a bit upset but I think if you don't let him feel it's negative, it won't occur to him.

FWIW DD is four and a half and still quite happily wearing an 18-24 month jacket; she was in her 9-12 month PJs until she was nearly three. She's not particularly short, just pretty narrow.

I think some of them don't actually change much in terms of width for ages, so if they don't wear out clothing it can last a long time.

AlternativePerspective · 09/06/2021 18:44

Just respond with “yeah, but you’re ugly and he’ll grow.” lighthearted obviously.

Seriously though, at 18 months he really won’t understand, and children only learn to be bothered by these things if you give them the idea that they should be bothered, iyswim.

As a child I was tall, but very skinny. Everyone remarked on how tall I was, and the school counsellors used to constantly call me in wanting to know if I had an eating disorder. as clearly it’s not normal to be skinny.

Then I hit puberty, and all the kids who were small compared to me shot up and I didn’t. Now I’m only 5/2 and people remark on how short I am. You can’t win.

1forAll74 · 09/06/2021 18:44

It is perhaps a new word he has picked up, if he keeps hearing this word spoken frequently. I would tell people not to mention the word if you are worried about such things as your Son knowing the meaning of a word,and equating it to himself. He will have lots more words coming along, and then get fixated on some other words later. Not to worry I would say.

ChangePart1 · 09/06/2021 18:48

I actually get what you’re saying OP. You’re saying that people should be more conscious when openly discussing a child’s appearance in front of them, as at 18m they can actually absorb some of it, right?

And I agree with you. I personally never thought it was appropriate when people openly commented on someone’s baby being huge or tiny for their age. It seems very rude to me. A friend of mine who had a preemie found it heartbreaking when the only thing anyone would ever say to her about her baby was how incredibly tiny she was. It really hurt her, she had had such a traumatic start after giving birth and it reinforced in her mind that she hadn’t been able as a mother to grow her baby for long enough.

In my book the only comments you make about someone’s baby or toddler are positive ones, for example that they have lovely eyes, or hair, or what a lovely outfit, and so forth. Saying a toddler is small isn’t overtly nasty, but it is said with some surprise, it’s not a neutral comment, it’s a ‘wow, how unusual’ kinda thing. I would never say anything like that to a child that’s at an age where they’re starting to really understand things. And at 18m they understand a lot!

Having said all of that I doubt your sweet boy sees it in a negative way, he’s merely repeating a word that he has heard, but as a parent YANBU to be upset by it or find it inappropriate. It isn’t kind and it’s thoughtless at best. Ditto for people who like to point out how fat or ‘big’ a toddler is. Whether they understand it or not, they’re people too, and it just seems so unnecessary and rude. Especially I can understand being sick of it when it happens all the time.

Original poster

GreenCrayon · 09/06/2021 19:44

I'm glad some people can see where my thought process is and it's sad to see others have also had the constant comments.

I appreciate some of it is my own concerns but it does genuinely get frustrating when it's mentioned so frequently. As others have noted I would never comment on another child's size. Plus after spending so much of his early years in some form of lockdown its so easy to talk about lots of other things if someone wants to make small talk.

It is perhaps a new word he has picked up, if he keeps hearing this word spoken frequently.

I definitely think he's picked it up from the amount of times he's heard people mentioning it, it's not really a word I use very often.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 09/06/2021 20:07

I think you're being a little harsh about small talk. Yes, people could say something else, but ... they didn't. They won't realise you hear it all the time.

HazeyJaneII · 09/06/2021 20:21

In my book the only comments you make about someone’s baby or toddler are positive ones

This made me think of my mum, who would always, without fail, compliment a babies head....they could have a head like a gnarly old potato (or a post ventouse conehead like dd1...) but my mum would say , 'oh what a beautifully shaped head your baby has...'

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