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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing rooms dsd and dc

114 replies

Blueberrycheesecake1 · 09/06/2021 16:20

Dsd (aged 29) has asked if she can join us on our holiday in a 3 bed house. AIBU in suggesting she share with our (Good sleeping) 3 year old so that baby can have a room to themselves? Baby and toddler wake up at very different times and don't want them to wake each other up. Baby hasn't slept with us for months as DP snoring disturbed him. I am exhausted from a not very good sleeping baby and don't want to make it worse really....

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 09/06/2021 21:31

Whatever happens, this is your holiday. Please don't jeopardise your sleep for someone who wasn't even invited!

Shmithecat2 · 09/06/2021 21:38

Assuming that your children are her half siblings, I can't see why its an issue for her to share with the toddler. Especially when she's basically getting a free holiday.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/06/2021 21:42

My adult dd is still very much my dd at 31. Still enjoy having her with us on a trip!! As much as she enjoys spending time with her half siblings... Doesn't spoil anything!!
And she pays her way!!
Your dh is being a twat letting you take any rap that comes from dsd...

Hallyup6 · 09/06/2021 21:57

I'd arrange it so she could have her own space, tbh. I don't think a 29 year old should share with a 3 year old. I'd possibly shift the beds and have one of the younger ones in with me. Either that or I'd give her the option of the sofa.

Cherrysoup · 09/06/2021 22:00

She should be contributing. She shouldn’t get her own room. It’s YOUR holiday and you need rest. I’m pissed off on your behalf if she’s trying to insist on her own room when she’s gatecrashing. If your dh has left it up to you (so you get to be the bad guy AND deal with the mental load!) then tell him the rooming arrangements stay.

ProbablyProbing · 09/06/2021 22:01

@selflove

It does sound a bit mean spirited to expect an adult to share with a toddler. Usually toddler&baby would be expected to share, and an adult would be given privacy. Surely sometimes adult women want a wank or something before bed, you can't put them in with a toddler!
Then maybe an adult should pay for themselves and not demand to come on holiday uninvited.
selflove · 09/06/2021 22:10

If she was a 16year old who wanted to come on holiday with her dad and siblings, it would be outrageous to suggest putting her in with the toddler so a 5month old could have their own room, rather than the baby/toddler sharing with each other or parents. I don't think she should get treated like a second class citizen because she's in her twenties! She's still family, she's a grown adult and shouldn't be in a room with a 3yr old.

Mooda · 09/06/2021 22:11

This is reminding me of a 'holiday' I went on with my parents when DD was 2 and DS 7 months and the 3 of us shared a room. DC spent the first night waking each other and therefore me every hour or so and this was on top of a nightmare 10 hour drive to Cornwell. Next day we wedged DS's cot into this weird little sauna room and he slept there for rest of holiday. DC then both then slept fine but I didn't because I was terrified someone would turn on the sauna by mistake and kill DS. Can still remember the utter exhaustion. Good luck OP.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 09/06/2021 22:11

It isn't' a' 3 yo. It is her sibling..... Presumably she knows it very well!!

Howshouldibehave · 09/06/2021 22:13

she's a grown adult and shouldn't be in a room with a 3yr old

No. She’s a grown adult and should be paying her own way for her holidays, then she can pick whatever room she has paid for!

Mooda · 09/06/2021 22:15

And yes I think DSD should share with the 3 year old at night. A compromise could be that the 3 year old only sleeps in there but doesn't use the room during the day so DSD gets some privacy? But a holiday without sleep is no holiday so stand your ground on baby having own room if that's what you need to get some rest.

PixieLaLa · 09/06/2021 22:17

I think it's reasonable to offer that or if she would rather sleep on the sofa?
You shouldn't feel bad the holiday was already arranged!

trunumber · 09/06/2021 22:28

Geez, I'm spoilt and even I wouldn't expect my own room in this situation. She's tagging along for free at the age of 29!! Either she pays for her own accommodation or she sleeps where you put her. She can't wank in the shower if that's so important to you selflove

OP you are clearly exhausted, make the decision based on what you need to sleep. Tell your DH, get him to tell his daughter.

glitterfarts · 09/06/2021 22:36

How is she going to wfh with a baby and a toddler in the house?
Are you then also going to be expected to keep them quiet or be out all the time on your own holiday?

Its YOUR holiday. Presumably you might want to sleep with your partner?

Bed 1: you and DP
Bed 2: baby
Bed 3: toddler.
29yr old non paying working adult, child of the family or not, can fit in around

Have they spent much time around the small siblings? Do they know how noisy babies and toddlers are?

DudeIsADude · 09/06/2021 22:43

@selflove

It does sound a bit mean spirited to expect an adult to share with a toddler. Usually toddler&baby would be expected to share, and an adult would be given privacy. Surely sometimes adult women want a wank or something before bed, you can't put them in with a toddler!
I'm sure she can forgo a bed time wank whilst tagging along on someone else's holiday... It won't kill her.
Newkitchen123 · 09/06/2021 22:50

@BlueDucky

Toddler and baby should share or a 3 year old should go in with you. Asking an adult to share with a child they done normally live with its a bit off.
Why should the adults who are paying share with the three year old so that the adult who is not paying gets their own room?
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/06/2021 07:21

Did you ask her initially if she wanted to join the family holiday? She’s still your DHs dd regardless of her age or new half siblings. That would sway for me whether she should share or have her own room.

ElderMillennial · 10/06/2021 07:28

It's your holiday and you've planned it to suit you. Being able to get some rest is an important part of that.

I don't think you should have to change that for adult DSD. Tell her the arrangements and if she wants to come she has to share with one of the children. To do anything else will change the whole holiday for you.

Lollypop4 · 10/06/2021 07:39

29 & not paying??
Maybe I'm harsh but she will need to pay her share and she would be going in with the 3 yr old.
You booked without knowing she was coming.
She can either accept it or not come.

Mellonsprite · 10/06/2021 07:53

@PixieLaLa

I think it's reasonable to offer that or if she would rather sleep on the sofa? You shouldn't feel bad the holiday was already arranged!
Yes to this ^^ you & DH should not be considering sleeping on the sofa to take account for DSD ages 29! It’s CF territory to 1) invite yourself on a parents holiday 2) at 29 not contribute anything 3) have an expectation of your own room inconveniencing everyone else in these circumstances
Maray1967 · 10/06/2021 08:03

You need to explain that you’ve picked a 3 bedroom rental as the dc need a room each because of sleeping issues. If you’d have known she was coming you’d have needed a 4 room one. Just say that she’s welcome to share with the 3 year old but there is no way you’re putting the dC in together.

TwoLeftElbows · 10/06/2021 08:15

Be welcoming to her but clear that there are no spare bedrooms. If no sofabed (or even if there is), offer an airbed if you have one, or suggest she buy one. My default choice would be living room rather than sharing with toddler but that is up to her. She needs to think about where she can realistically work in the daytime though. Dining area, toddler's bedroom?

Even at 29 it's possible she's feeling a bit replaced by the little ones. I wonder if there is a element of testing to see if she's still welcome. I also wonder if your emotional reaction to this is your sleep deprivation talking. I can empathise with your emotional reaction, especially if you're sleep deprived, but I don't think it'll spoil your holiday in reality.

NanooCov · 10/06/2021 08:24

Honestly I think your DSD is taking the piss. She's getting free accommodation but "wants her own space" Shock She's not a child - at 29 she can sort her own accommodation if it doesn't suit. And your DH is being a twat by saying it's up to you - she's his daughter after all. He just doesn't want any confrontation.

You chose this cottage so each of the kids would have their own room - she shares with the 3 yr old or doesn't come. Of course you can't guarantee the 3 yr old will sleep well but that's too bad if she wants a free holiday. You deserve a holiday too!

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 10/06/2021 08:35

She’s taking the piss. As well as the bedroom problem, I’d worry that having someone WFH while everyone else is trying to have a holiday is going to change the dynamic.
You don’t want to have to be tiptoeing around or keeping the children quiet just because she’s working. And where’s she going to work? In the shared bedroom? What if toddler DD needs a nap?

Mellonsprite · 10/06/2021 08:37

So the DSD is going to be working whilst on this holiday? What exactly is she going to be getting out of coming away with you then?
Seems a very odd request and will cause a lot of disruption to your arrangements, for little benefit if she’s going to be working too.
Also will be a nightmare for you trying to keep toddler and baby quiet whilst she works. For that alone I’d say no.

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