Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexless marriage I’m so fed up

89 replies

HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 05:22

no Sex in 18 months Dh doesn’t feel like it apparently. He says it’s because he can’t get hard and maintain an erection wearing a condom. Atm for medical reasons I’m not able to be on contraception so condoms are necessary. Dh has said he have the snip and has been booking the appointment for this for last year it never happens.
I’ve tried to just fool around with Dh and said it doesn’t need to end in sex but just some physical contact would be enough but nothing- no kisses, no cuddles nothing.
Coincidentally I’ve gained 4 Stone in last 3 years due to ptsd.
I just long to be touched and held. I feel trapped with have 2 amazing children, a lovely life and he’s a good partner in many ways but it’s like I’m now co parenting with my brother or something.
I’m 40 in the last 4 years we’ve had sex 5 times and no sexual contact in last 18. He won’t talk about it and is just sticking his head in the sand.
Aibu that enough is enough

OP posts:
Ginuwine · 09/06/2021 05:30

@HeidiHighLow

no Sex in 18 months Dh doesn’t feel like it apparently. He says it’s because he can’t get hard and maintain an erection wearing a condom. Atm for medical reasons I’m not able to be on contraception so condoms are necessary. Dh has said he have the snip and has been booking the appointment for this for last year it never happens. I’ve tried to just fool around with Dh and said it doesn’t need to end in sex but just some physical contact would be enough but nothing- no kisses, no cuddles nothing. Coincidentally I’ve gained 4 Stone in last 3 years due to ptsd. I just long to be touched and held. I feel trapped with have 2 amazing children, a lovely life and he’s a good partner in many ways but it’s like I’m now co parenting with my brother or something. I’m 40 in the last 4 years we’ve had sex 5 times and no sexual contact in last 18. He won’t talk about it and is just sticking his head in the sand. Aibu that enough is enough

YANBU at all!!

Firstly he needs to be honest with you about why he is prevaricating about the vasectomy.

Why hasn't he booked it yet, if condoms are causing him erectile dysfunction?

Why is he then ok with trying to have sex without a condom... I hate to say it in such a blunt and corny way but there is a name for such people - fathers! If you don't want more DC which is fair, then what is he thinking?!!

Back on topic - I think he is being unreasonable because you do want him, you want to be close and have a tactile life, but he's not respecting the fact that you can't provision contraception.

Either he gets a vasectomy, or works somehow on how he can stay erect with a condom, or he then has to accept that there won't be any full intercourse, because it is too risky and foolhardy.

I have empathy for anyone with erectile dysfunction but this also sounds like a slightly petulant preference thing.

One last thing. Can he listen to you about wanting to just play, touch, not have sex but feel close? That's perhaps THE most important thing here - it may also help him get over the "all or nothing" that's probably causing him to have issues down there.

Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 07:37

He just doesn’t want to do anything that would lead to sex I don’t think. He seems entirely happy without it it’s a non issue to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 07:46

R

OP posts:
Holly60 · 09/06/2021 07:48

It sounds like he is struggling with something. Maybe you need to try to have an honest discussion about what is going on with him?

JustGiveMeGin · 09/06/2021 07:52

I mean this with kindness OP, have you asked him how he feels about your weight gain? 4 stone is a lot (I have gained and list more over the years so I'm not having a go at you!)
You obviously look very different and it may be a step too far for him, he could still love you but not be able to get his head around the changes to your body.

Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 07:56

He’s encouraged me to lose weight especially as he’s recently lost 2 stone.
I’m trying to but I don’t look horrific I’m still sexually attractive.
Sex aside he could still be affectionate even if he wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore I think?

OP posts:
JustGiveMeGin · 09/06/2021 07:59

True he could, there is obviously something stopping him so you need to talk to him and don't let him fob you off with things he thinks you want to hear. Dig until you get to the bottom of it.

MaybeCrazy2 · 09/06/2021 08:02

Ask him if he would be ok with an open marriage as long as you was discreet.

Don’t bother getting toys instead as the answer, it only fixes the problem for a tiny while.

Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 08:12

I he’s very possessive he doesn’t want me but he definitely wouldn’t want anyone else to want me.
My options are
Hope for the best
Wait until kids older and divorce
Have an affair- which I wouldn’t do
Live in resentment

OP posts:
Phrowzunn · 09/06/2021 08:37

With kindness OP, surely those aren’t your only options? Could you try losing weight together? You feel like he has given up on the sexual side of your relationship but maybe he does too in that you’re not willing to put the effort in to get back in shape. You say you’re still sexually attractive but surely that’s not something you can decide yourself - has he told you that? I think it’s even more pertinent if he has recently lost a lot of weight, it possibly bothers him even more that you’re not making the same effort. And if he’s truly not bothered about the lack of sex with you, are you absolutely sure he’s not getting sex somewhere else? Maybe he’s putting the vasectomy off to keep his options open in the future should he find himself in a new relationship?

Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 09:18

Maybe in which case that would be good rather he would fuck off sooner than later then instead of this.
You’re correct I can’t know he finds me sexually attractive that’s true but others would

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 09/06/2021 10:18

You’re correct I can’t know he finds me sexually attractive that’s true but others would

Well yes Confused Everyone is attractive to someone out there. But if you love him, don’t you want to be sexually attractive to him?

It could be he won’t give you any physical affection because he’s worried it would give you the impression he’s okay for sexual attention, and he’s not.

TheVanguardSix · 09/06/2021 10:23

It sounds like he is struggling with something

Death-grip syndrome

OrangeRug · 09/06/2021 10:45

You need to sit him down and firmly tell him that you are not willing to go on like this and that he needs to tell you what the problem is so you can work it out. Don't let him wriggle out of it. Fair enough not liking condoms but there are other things you could do and him not wanting to be affectionate or intimate with you at all is not a good sign. It's definitely unfair on you.

drawerofwater · 09/06/2021 12:03

It doesn’t matter if some men would fine you sexually attractive after gaining 4 stone. Your husband clearly doesn’t

Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 12:06

I’m not going to be forced to lose weight just so my husband will have sex will me I not physically repulsive. Honestly the responses on here- give your heads a wobbles it’s not the 1950’s I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy!
I’ve gained weight through managing my ptsd and my mental wellbeing is more important than getting bigger.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeidiHighLow · 09/06/2021 12:08

Death grip syndrome...that’s interesting reading that mightve something to do with it

OP posts:
Peace43 · 09/06/2021 12:16

If it was your weight I'd expect your husband to be honest with you. Personally I love and find my OH attractive and his weight is a non-issue (and he is a big guy and has got a lot bigger recently). On paper I am attracted to slim men but I love my OH and the attraction comes with that.

I think you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your DH and explain that a sexual relationship is a deal breaker for you. He needs to make positive steps towards regaining a healthy regular sex life with you or you will want to separate. This could be the snip, it could be some viagra (far quicker to test this than the snip), some counselling.... In the meantime he needs to be more affectionate with you even if that doesn't lead to intercourse. If he can't / won't do these things and can't explain why then I think you need to leave.

dreamingbohemian · 09/06/2021 12:20

If you put all of this together no sex, no fooling around at all, no physical affection, won't be honest about the real reasons, encouraging you to lose weight, otherwise getting along okay it does sound like he is not currently physically attracted you but doesn't want to say that to you because obviously that would be deeply hurtful.

Obviously weight gain shouldn't matter, I would never tell someone to lose weight to keep their husband, but the reality is that some men don't care about weight and some men do. So you need to find out if your husband is one of them, otherwise you will be chasing all these other reasons that actually have nothing to do with it.

drawerofwater · 09/06/2021 12:22

@HeidiHighLow

I’m not going to be forced to lose weight just so my husband will have sex will me I not physically repulsive. Honestly the responses on here- give your heads a wobbles it’s not the 1950’s I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy! I’ve gained weight through managing my ptsd and my mental wellbeing is more important than getting bigger.
No you don’t have to lose weight to keep your husband happy, but you have to accept that it could well be the cause of him not being attracted to you anymore. If you’re fine with that, good for you
soreenqueen21 · 09/06/2021 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oly4 · 09/06/2021 12:31

No you don’t have to lose weight to keep him happy but if he doesn’t want sex with you because of it, it’s a problem? Definitely worth asking him.
I find my DH much less attractive when he’s several stones heavier. It’s just an attraction thing.. you can’t help what you find attractive

BillieSpain · 09/06/2021 12:40

I remember, 20 years ago, someone told me they hadn't had sex for 2 years. I honestly found it hard to believe them.

Now men just want to watch porn, absolutely definitely suffer from death grip. Get you to do all sorts of things to make yourself attractive to them. (Shave more, rid of pubic hair etc)

This includes teenaged girls and me (42 when it started, 5'9'' 9.5 stone)

It is not you OP and people telling you to lose weight should be ashamed of themselves. Weight is the least of the issue, IMO.

Most of these men are far from in great shape themselves.

DM1209 · 09/06/2021 12:40

OP, in the kindest way possible, removing medical issues on his part as the reason, he doesn't want to have sex because he's clearly not feeling sexually towards you.

Has your sex life with him always been this way?

Unless he's getting sex elsewhere, as painful as it may feel and '1950's' to you, your weight may be an issue for him. In your eyes, you're sexually attractive and I'm certain many others looking at you would be too but he's clearly not feeling that way.

I too wouldn't change how I look for a man. But equally, I would never expect a partner to be into my aesthetic if it simply didn't work for him, just as I could never be compelled to have sex with someone that didn't turn me on.

Yes, the emotional understanding is key but attraction and chemistry are just as important and no one has the right to dictate what appeals to another person.

You both need communication with one another before anything else. But be prepared; because you may not appreciate what he has to say.

BillieSpain · 09/06/2021 12:41

What? No.

Swipe left for the next trending thread