Sexless marriage I’m so fed up

[HeidiHighLow]

no Sex in 18 months Dh doesn’t feel like it apparently. He says it’s because he can’t get hard and maintain an erection wearing a condom. Atm for medical reasons I’m not able to be on contraception so condoms are necessary. Dh has said he have the snip and has been booking the appointment for this for last year it never happens.
I’ve tried to just fool around with Dh and said it doesn’t need to end in sex but just some physical contact would be enough but nothing- no kisses, no cuddles nothing.
Coincidentally I’ve gained 4 Stone in last 3 years due to ptsd.
I just long to be touched and held. I feel trapped with have 2 amazing children, a lovely life and he’s a good partner in many ways but it’s like I’m now co parenting with my brother or something.
I’m 40 in the last 4 years we’ve had sex 5 times and no sexual contact in last 18. He won’t talk about it and is just sticking his head in the sand.
Aibu that enough is enough

I am giving my opinion.

Of course you can’t be forced to lose weight, it doesn’t sound like anyone’s trying to do that.

Equally, he can’t be forced to have sex. I’m sure you wouldn’t expect him to have sex with you if he doesn’t want to and you don’t even know for sure what the issue is.

If he gained 4 stone, whatever the reason, would you feel exactly the same about him?

You cannot do that.

@BillieSpain

I remember, 20 years ago, someone told me they hadn't had sex for 2 years. I honestly found it hard to believe them.

Now men just want to watch porn, absolutely definitely suffer from death grip. Get you to do all sorts of things to make yourself attractive to them. (Shave more, rid of pubic hair etc)

This includes teenaged girls and me (42 when it started, 5'9'' 9.5 stone)

It is not you OP and people telling you to lose weight should be ashamed of themselves. Weight is the least of the issue, IMO.

Most of these men are far from in great shape themselves.

Some valid points but you're absolutely projecting your own experiences here.

When someone has an issue, the most common solution is the most obvious one. OP should not change for a man but equally, a man should not have to change for a woman especially if that means having sex when you don't want to. Men are NOT that complex when it comes to sex, if they want you, you will absolutely know. It's up to you what you do with that.

I love how every man that doesn't want to rip his partners clothes off suffers from the 'death grip.'

OP I'm afraid it sounds like you have put on loads of weight, he doesn't find that attractive. You are not willing to hear that as an answer and are point blank refusing to consider losing weight. Never mind doing it for your DH. Consider doing it for yourself and your health. Gaining 4 stone is a significant gain.

I wouldn't want to have sex with my DH if he was 4 stone heavier than he is now.

Has he tried Viagra? And if not why not?

OP, can I ask how your sex life was before you gained the weight?

You say he had recently lost two stone? Was he overweight too and is he now?

There’s no easy way to say this, but it could well be that the extra 4 stone is putting him off. I’m really sorry and I know that’s not what you’re going to want to hear. The condoms excuse is just that - an excuse.

I’m sure you are very attractive and lots of men would find you so, but he is your husband and if this bothers him, then I think you have to make a concerted effort to lose weight - for him and for your health. Even losing two stone would make a massive difference probably and this may be enough. Sorry, to say that, but I think this is what you need to do for your marriage.

My partner has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and no touch, no sex is one of the common issues.

it’s not the 1950’s I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy

Very true. Nobody is telling you to lose weight & if you’re happy at the weight you are then you don’t need to lose it. People are just suggesting that it could be due to that. Of course you don’t have to maintain a certain look to keep your husband happy. But your husband doesn’t have to have sex with you to keep you happy either.

Personally if my DP gained 4 stone I would still love him but I wouldn’t find him attractive anymore. I’d struggle to be intimate with someone I wasn’t attracted to.

@soreenqueen21

I just did.

You sound deeply unpleasant.

OP I'd go to relationships board. You'll see many threads along the same lines. Good luck.

Thank you all for your input it’s very interesting and quite eye opening really.
Think for clarify just wanted to say 4 stone is significant not downplaying it - it has changed my figure but I was very slim before and I’m 5.11 so now I’ve curvy it’s not like I’m shapeless if that makes sense. I feel confident that lots of people would find me attractive yes it may be the case that Dh doesn’t now. However I will point out when we met I was a size 16-18 then I went down to a 12 now back up to size 18 so it’s not as if he’s not been sexually attracted to me in a bigger form if that makes sense.
We’ve been together 18 years and only 25% of that I was slimmer?

I think you need to have a frank discussion with him about it. lots of men are scared of vasectomies, that's not uncommon and if he's not bothered about sex there is little incentive .

Does the lack of sex coincide with the weight gain?

Hmm do you know what inspired him to lose weight himself? Was he always overweight previously? Sometimes when people get on a fitness kick they become newly judgemental about people's weight.

Is it possible he has an ED issue and is too embarrassed to admit it?

Get him to have his Testosterone levels checked. Might well be something physical that has reduced his drive.

“However I will point out when we met I was a size 16-18 then I went down to a 12 now back up to size 18 so it’s not as if he’s not been sexually attracted to me in a bigger form if that makes sense.
We’ve been together 18 years and only 25% of that I was slimmer?”

Oh well, fair enough then.

What about his recent weight loss though? Is he on a fitness bender?

Talk to him about why he hasn't arranged yhd vasectomy. It could be something really simple likes he gas listened to a friend spouting bollocks. My DH got told that I wouldn't fancy him if he wasn't fertile.

It might be the weight gain, ask him openly. 4 stone is not a small gain.

His sex drive must be very weak if it is defeated by a condom

No you don’t have to lose weight to keep your husband happy, but you have to accept that it could well be the cause of him not being attracted to you anymore. If you’re fine with that, good for you

Agree with this.

I think there’s more to it than OP’s weight gain as she wasn’t four stone lighter when they got together.

Is there any birth control you can use other than condoms?

What are you intending to do about this situation now,other than trying to have a big talk with your Husband, about all the problems that you both have, regarding your sex lives. It's no use keeping on with building up resentment about everything, as it will cause you to be very unhappy for the years ahead.