Sexless marriage I’m so fed up

[HeidiHighLow]

no Sex in 18 months Dh doesn’t feel like it apparently. He says it’s because he can’t get hard and maintain an erection wearing a condom. Atm for medical reasons I’m not able to be on contraception so condoms are necessary. Dh has said he have the snip and has been booking the appointment for this for last year it never happens.
I’ve tried to just fool around with Dh and said it doesn’t need to end in sex but just some physical contact would be enough but nothing- no kisses, no cuddles nothing.
Coincidentally I’ve gained 4 Stone in last 3 years due to ptsd.
I just long to be touched and held. I feel trapped with have 2 amazing children, a lovely life and he’s a good partner in many ways but it’s like I’m now co parenting with my brother or something.
I’m 40 in the last 4 years we’ve had sex 5 times and no sexual contact in last 18. He won’t talk about it and is just sticking his head in the sand.
Aibu that enough is enough

What impact has your PTSD had on your marriage and your husband?

Hes watching porn ,and has death grip syndrome, sorry op . Dont be so closed minded or he might be looking elsewhere.

@HeidiHighLow

I’m not going to be forced to lose weight just so my husband will have sex will me I not physically repulsive. Honestly the responses on here- give your heads a wobbles it’s not the 1950’s I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy! I’ve gained weight through managing my ptsd and my mental wellbeing is more important than getting bigger.

Sorry to be so blunt but it doesn’t matter whether it’s the 1950s or the 2050s, the things we find attractive are outside our control. Unfortunately it sounds as if he doesn’t fancy you any more. So you quite probably do need to maintain a certain look if you want a sex life.

Is he sympathetic about your ptsd?
That must have had an impact on you both. The only way through this is to talk. I hope you can.

@Inthesameboatatmo

Hes watching porn ,and has death grip syndrome, sorry op . Dont be so closed minded or he might be looking elsewhere.

Do you know him?

It sounds like his issues predate the weight gain if your sex life hasn't been very active for the last 4 years? I don't think condoms are the issue either.
Has it always been lower than average or just something that's changed in the last few years? It may be a medical issue with your husband

I’ve wobbled my head in 2021 and I think it may be your 4 stone weight gain, who knows? He’s lost 2 stones so he maybe wanted to feel better about himself. You might think you’re still sexually attractive, it seems he doesn’t.

Hi op your weight gain might be absolutely nothing to do with it, is there any chance he's hiding porn usage and that's why he's not interested

I've sent you a PM @HeidiHighLow.

I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy!

No, you don’t have to. But your husband has natural turn ons and offs and desires and if you drastically change your look it’s okay for him not to be sexually attracted to you anymore.

@JellyTumble

I don’t have to maintain a certain look to ensure my husbands happy!

No, you don’t have to. But your husband has natural turn ons and offs and desires and if you drastically change your look it’s okay for him not to be sexually attracted to you anymore.

Is this "wisdom" also applicable to all the other threads on here when husbands leave wives for equally shallow reasons?

So this is a licence for anyone to break their vows because life circumstances, kids and modern food means people's shape changes?

I mean I'm just fascinated as to how certain advice is fine on one thread ( when the aim is to kick the OP and make her feel miserable ) but on another thread where a man has been callous, the OP is told "your weight is irrelevant he's shallow to leave you").

So which is it?

P.S I'm bizarrely fortunate to be the same middle of the range BMI for years, so I have no axe to grind personally. I just think this standard is inconsistent.

@Inthesameboatatmo

Hes watching porn ,and has death grip syndrome, sorry op . Dont be so closed minded or he might be looking elsewhere.

There is absolutely no way you could know this about the OP's husband.

Stop projecting .

Its great that you are happy with yourself and I agree about not having to change for anyone but you. However, I also agree that you cannot force your dp to love your weight gain if he is not feeling it.
I suppose it depends on what's more important to you and I say that without any sarcasm.

Is this "wisdom" also applicable to all the other threads on here when husbands leave wives for equally shallow reasons?

No, but it could be applicable to the other threads where women say that their husbands/partners have gained weight and they now find then unattractive.

….and there’s been several threads about women finding their obese husband unattractive.

Do you think there is any possibility that he might be gay?

He's not the only one who can be in charge of contraception. Would you consider sterilization? It needs to be decided between you as a couple, talking. Some men just don't get on with condoms. Doesn't make them evil or that they have death grip, done just find them a turn off, especially in a long term committed relationship.

You need to talk. Him refusing to do that is three main issue. You are supposed to be

Life partners and should be able to talk about anything!

Sorry hit send to early!

Good luck op.

If porn wasn't around, there wouldn't be these problems.
Only a tiny proportion of men don't want sex (physical and emotional reasons)
And they aren't fussy. He's getting his rocks off to porn and can't get it up in a real life relationship anymore. It's not you.

Notashandyta you have no way of knowing that!

Are you sure there isn’t any other contraception you can use? There are so many nowadays- even things like the cap which you can’t even feel if inserted properly and gives you another option other than condoms. A family planning clinic can fit you with one. I can’t stand condoms either and have complex medical conditions which mean I frequently have to have periods of time where I need to stop taking the mini pill for hormone tests (my usual contraceptive) and during those times (3-4 months) dh and I just don’t have sex at all as we both hate condoms so much (I can’t use the cap during those times as I have issues with dryness etc when not taking hormone medication- autoimmune issues). Anyway just a thought. A copper coil is also non hormonal.

I think I last had sex in April. I'm fed up with my situation now and I'm about 5 mins from an affair.

The amount of psychics on this thread is astonishing.

Hmmm it's a sensitive subject but it does sound like he's not sexually attracted to you anymore. I do understand that it's not the 1950's but you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. 4 stone is a lot of weight, regardless of height. Unless you were seriously underweight before, your body is probably very very different to what it used to be. Perhaps you're in denial a little?

You are right though, you don't have to lose weight to keep him happy and that is entirely your right, but if he's not attracted to you, there's not really that much he can do about that either.