How to manage separate finances?

[cucumberella]

Husband and I have clashed over the years when it comes to finances and just can't seem to get on the same page. It's time to separate finances. He's the higher earner however the house was purchased after marriage with my money. My thought process is that if we both keep our finances separate and both pay 50/50 towards all bills and expenses, then in the event we should get divorced, hopefully we should just both keep what is rightfully ours? E.g he keeps his savings, pension etc, I keep my savings, pension and the house? I know the courts won't necessarily see it this way and he could be unreasonable about it all, but I'm hoping it could make things a little bit more clear cut?

That being said how do you actually deal with separate finances? Do you just leave it to the individual to manage their own savings/pension/investments? If so and your partner is a big spender and you save a lot, do you not leave yourself open to then giving away half of all your savings should you divorce whilst they don't have a penny to their name? Do you have a joint savings accounts for things like holidays? If you have children, how do you decide who pays for what?

cheese well the ice cream scenario would be joint money. Anything at all for the DC comes out the joint account. Including yourself in the ice creams is completely reasonable as you're looking after them. Childcare is a joint expense.
If you decided to pop into a shop on the way however, and buy yourself a new dress, that's no benefit to them, that would be your money.

Does your husband know that things are so bad that you want to set up your finances so things are easier if you divorce? I think you need to sort this all out properly between you or stop wasting time and actually divorce.

I think it's fair to put into a joint account for joint expenses and children etc but then manage the rest of your money yourselves.

I'd be careful about doing this if I was you though. In your scenario there is absolutely nothing stopping him spending all his money, or squirrelling it away and hiding it somewhere and then coming after you for half the house.

I dont think there is a way of getting round him questioning your purchases without losing out financially.

All your assets will be lumped together if you divorce and then you will get a proportion of them. You won’t necessarily get to keep the house because you’ve had separate finances throughout your marriage.

I think hoping or assuming that something will happen after divorce is where you're going most wrong.

It doesn't matter what youve agreed now, legally everything belongs to both of you and could be fought for as part of settlement

Among my friends who have separate finances and very differing attitudes to money, the 'saver ' still complains about the spending of the 'spender ' and vice versa. So they still think that the coat is unnecessary and to expensive irrespective of the share of the pot that it came from. You know him best, would this actually solve your differences about money?

@cptartapp

DH earns several times what I do. He pays several times % wise what I do by direct debit into a joint pot for bills, holidays, DC etc, and the remainder of our salaries is for each of us to spend/save as we wish. Separate savings, investments, inheritances etc. No mortgage, house in joint names. It's worked well enough for 30 years.

This is what we do too. We transfer into the joint account the relative % of income we bring into the household each month; that covers everything and what's left is ours to do as we please.

@eurochick

We have mostly separate finances and always have. Joint expenses are paid out of a joint account into which we each pay a sum in proportion to our income. Broadly we calculated our monthly expenses and put that amount, plus a bit extra for holidays and one off purchases into the joint account. We both have access to that. We don't have access to each other's current accounts and savings.

We've only ever had joint finances (other than some investments for tax purposes). If I was in a relationship where we had very different attitudes to money (Partner who frittered away money or was too controlling over what I spend), this is exactly the approach I would take.

I doubt the courts will see it that way but get legal advice.

Did you get a deed of trust or anything when you bought the house with your money? Did you buy the house outright or pay the deposit?

He and you should pay the bills proportionately according to your incomes. Don't pay more than you should in the vague hope you will get to keep your house, you will massively regret it.

Don't pay for things for the house from your disposable income, everything for the house should be paid from the joint account.

What you do now will have no impact on the divorce - this sounds like it is a step in that direction so I think you really do need to give your marriage some serious thought

As PP have said in the event of a divorce after a long marriage with children then your finances will be treated as all communal and who brought what into the marriage will not matter. You will not automatically get to keep the house.
There's nothing you can do to protect yourself about that now I don't think.

However if it's more just wanting to avoid arguments and criticism then the solution that a lot of other people (and DH and I) have of separate accounts plus a joint account which a set amount each relative to earnings is paid into to cover bills and joint expenses seems the way forward.

If you each had spending money could you not just agree that whatever you buy with that is off limits for criticism? DH buys ridiculous crap (IMHO) for his hobby and I am sure he thinks my spending is also ridiculous in some areas but it's my money, my choice after the joint contribution is paid.

The nice thing about having some separate finances is that we buy one another's presents out of our own funds so that no-one can snoop or know how much something was

Dp and I have pretty separate finances. I’m the higher earner. I own the house, he moved in. The mortgage, council tax, most bills come out of my account and he pays me a sum per week to contribute, plus he pays for the Sky, Netflix.

We split nursery fees. I do the online food shop order. He picks it up and pays for half of it. We split the cost of holidays usually.

Honestly it works fine for us. We are pretty much a team. Our spare money after the above is ours to do with what we please. We both put money into a joint account semi regularly but that is only savings for our child’s future.

I have a rental property too and DP did the majority of painting / decorating in it and kind of project managed the renovation of it / deals with repairs etc so I feel he has very much helped me in that respect. The small income from that gets spent on whoever in the family needs it that month eg for new clothes / shoes.

Separating finances now will have no difference when it comes to divorce.

If you are planning a divorce I think you need proper legal advice. I don't think splitting finances now will make a lot of difference to who gets what in a divorce, and if you are thinking that way, then surely it is the beginning of the end anyway?

If you bought the house as joint owners after marriage then you definitely wouldn't get to keep it as your sole property if you split (unless you gave up the equivalent value of his pension etc).

I doubt you'll get to keep the house. You could have ring fenced your deposit but that wouldn't cover any increased in house prices. Or maybe you bought the house outright. But its now the marital home and will be viewed as a joint asset. But circumstances will be taken into account.

OP,
Get legal advice asap as to the best way to set yourself up.
Do you have proof of the inheritance?
It will most likely be split as an asset, but check it out.

Look to accumulate as much relevant paperwork as possible while things are amicable.
Pay slips, copies of joint bank account, pension details.
Get them all together and see a solicitor.

It sounds like you are in count down mode.
Can you siphon money off to a family member that you absolutely trust?

Someone who is financially controlling is capable of ANYTHING so box clever and get good timely advice.

@Stormyequine

If you are planning a divorce I think you need proper legal advice. I don't think splitting finances now will make a lot of difference to who gets what in a divorce, and if you are thinking that way, then surely it is the beginning of the end anyway?

Exactly this.

If this is how you are thinking, surely they likelihood is you are heading for divorce at some point (be it next year or in 20 years).

The court will look at both your assets at the time (which includes any property and pensions), plus the length of the marriage, the impact on both of your careers because of the children, who will be the resident parent after the split (assuming your children are still young) etc etc etc. They’ll then decide what they think is fair based on that. As far as I’m aware, they will NOT take into account the fact that one person has been a saver and so built up a good pension and savings and the other has frittered their income away on meals out/clothes/fun experiences. Even inheritances that are received during the marriage are likely to be split.

We have separate current accounts, credit cards and savings. Mortgage and utilities come out of his account and I transfer half the total to him every month. All joint purchases- food, holidays, entertainment, pet costs- go on one credit card in my name and he transfers half the balance to me every month. We have roughly equal savings pots. We’ve agreed a set of conditions we’ll discuss- taking out loans, going overdrawn, big purchases- so there’s no risk of nasty surprises. We earn pretty much the same and have similar attitudes to money and risk, so we operate on a kind of mutual respect basis- we decide the big stuff together and don’t interfere in the small stuff.