Dating CFery. I’m still kicking myself

[TemptedToSleepInTheShed]

There was a post on here last week about a guy being tight on a first date, and it reminded me of a guy I dated for a while.... in fact I wonder if it was the same guy!

He would always be quite certain about what he wanted to do / where to go on a date, be it a restaurant or a bar for drinks or whatever, but then EVERY time the bill would come, he would ask in front of the server “do you want me to pay for this?”

It’s such a bizarre thing to ask, because it almost forces the other person to say “no it’s alright, I’ll pay”. And I did. Every time.

What other CFery have you experienced when dating. Please make me feel better for putting up with this for so long :-(

You should have at least said ‘no we can go halters’ or after you’d paid a few time just say yes and give him a hard stare!

I’m shocked!

Why on earth didn't you say "Let's go halves"? Or "Yes it's your turn this time"?

'i paid last time, it's your turn'

Cheeky git. Sounds like it's well practised and gets results.

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to have paid once was misfortunate; anything after that was careless of your own money/ self-worth/boundaries.

I once dated a guy who worked at the same place at me at around the same level so would have had an almost identical salary (quite high). On our first date we went to a modest cafe with a nice garden for a light lunch (this was over 20 years ago but the total for both of us was about £15). When I was deciding what to have he made a big deal right off the bat that he was going to pay for this date but I shouldn't expect him to bank roll me and I need to be prepared to bring money to pay my own way in future. It was bizzare in that we hadn't spoken about money or paying, we were both on good salaries and it was a cheap place anyway. I was quite career minded (ended up promoted above him after this) so certainly didn't get the impression I was fishing for a rich husband. I never went out with him again.

I went on a blind date with a guy - just drinks but he "forgot" his wallet.
Didn't see him again.
About 5 years later I went on another blind date and it happened again which is when I realised - It was the same guy!!!!
I hadn't recognised him until then!!

What an idiot! (him and me!)

@ruthieness

I went on a blind date with a guy - just drinks but he "forgot" his wallet. Didn't see him again. About 5 years later I went on another blind date and it happened again which is when I realised - It was the same guy!!!! I hadn't recognised him until then!!

What an idiot! (him and me!)

This made me laugh.

What a twat

It’s such a bizarre thing to ask, because it almost forces the other person to say “no it’s alright, I’ll pay”. And I did. Every time.

On what planet is that? Dear god. 'I'll get mine and you get yours'. I don't do halves because too many pisstakers have multiple drinks, a starter, expensive main, dessert with speciality coffee (I can't eat that much in one sitting) and then tried to pull the 'let's go half' stunt. 'No. Mine cost about a third of yours.' Then block after leaving.

Had a couple who pulled the 'forgot my wallet' bullshit. They had their phone and car keys. 'Guess you'll need to phone someone' paid for mine and left.

Or when it's their round and they pull the 'Just nipping to the toilet'. 'I'll wait till you get back then.'

Whilst dating I did not have the money, literally, to pay for some chancer twat to dine out on me.

Was seeing one guy; things going well. Invited him to dinner at mine, pulled out all the stops - lovely starter, main, dessert, wine, sides, etc. No problem.

He invited me to his and then tried to charge me 20 quid after I finished. I left.

Arranged a date with another, due to meet in town centre to go to a museum. He tried to charge me for his bus fare to get there. Eh? 'No.'

Yes...why not say "no, let's go halves"?

It's also a really accusatory question; not even "shall I get this" but pointing it at you with "do YOU WANT me to pay for this?".

I'd probably have said, "No, why would I want that? Let's just go halves." And not seen him again, not because I mind buying my own food but because it's manipulative and passive aggressive behaviour.

Oh OK, "I'll get mine and you get yours" if going halves would screw you over. Either way, why on earth roll over?

How did things come to an end with him, OP?

Personally, from one individual, I’ve seen the not coming out of the loo for a long time when it’s nearly time for the bill, so you end up paying all of it when the server approaches.

Same individual, bringing a top up card, only for it to be declined, trying several times, making noises it’s hit the limit, all this taking a very long time.

Being invited to an “I’m sorry, let me take you out and make it up to you” lunch date I didn’t even want to go to in the first place, and being told I should order bread to fill myself up to keep the bill low, followed by being asked to split the bill when it came, even though I’d ordered less. I’m sure that made up for everything!

There are more, but you get the picture!

I never expected to be paid for, but the hell I was going to pay for some random . I mean, they're not even a friend! If I had spare money back then it was for savings, to buy gifts for friends and family, treat myself to a nice nail varnish or top or trip to see someone, not blow on a dick.

It’s such a bizarre thing to ask, because it almost forces the other person to say “no it’s alright, I’ll pay”. And I did. Every time.

Only if he had paid for the last bill. To repeatedly fall for this trick is madness OP, what were you thinking?

These people rely on your being unassertive and embarrassed. But what would happen if you literally did not have the money or credit to pay for both of you? I guess that's where I got to be assertive. If he was in the loo and the server came over then I had to say, 'He's in the loo. I need to pay for mine,' pay for mine and then when he got out say, 'I went ahead and paid for mine so just let the server know when you're ready for your bill.'

If his card hit the limit, I had that stunt tried on me, too, 'That's a shame. I only have enough to pay for mine. So I'll go ahead and pay for mine.' 'What about me?' 'I'm not sure. You'll have to ask what their policy is'.

They're the ones who should feel shame!

I wouldn't mind a man not wanting to pay, especially if he wasn't interested in seeing me again, but weaponising money through passive aggressive means is just so nasty.

@DestinationsUnknown

How did things come to an end with him, OP?

Personally, from one individual, I’ve seen the not coming out of the loo for a long time when it’s nearly time for the bill, so you end up paying all of it when the server approaches.

Same individual, bringing a top up card, only for it to be declined, trying several times, making noises it’s hit the limit, all this taking a very long time.

Being invited to an “I’m sorry, let me take you out and make it up to you” lunch date I didn’t even want to go to in the first place, and being told I should order bread to fill myself up to keep the bill low, followed by being asked to split the bill when it came, even though I’d ordered less. I’m sure that made up for everything!

There are more, but you get the picture!

I bet he's one of those "women are all grabby gold diggers" types.

What's that meme? "Stop calling women gold diggers, you ain't got shit"?

I never ever go on dinner dates, I don't want to spend all evening eating with some loser while desperately trying to think of an exit strategy.
I only ever go for a coffee date, I don't want to go drinking either in case I need to exit quickly.

@DrSbaitso

I wouldn't mind a man not wanting to pay, especially if he wasn't interested in seeing me again, but weaponising money through passive aggressive means is just so nasty.

But he should pay for himself!

I don’t know why I fell for it so many times, I was always so cross with myself afterwards, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say “yes”
Or even “let’s go halves” when the server’s eyes were on me - I would just blurt out “no it’s ok I’ll pay”

He pulled loads of these little stunts and was really quite tight.

Not a date, but I had a 'friend' who used to mooch off people a lot. A group of us had a weekend away and she owed me some money and it got to the final day and we were on our way back to the station-still no mention of the money. So I told her I needed her to pay me back and walked her over to the nearest cashpoint.

@TemptedToSleepInTheShed

I don’t know why I fell for it so many times, I was always so cross with myself afterwards, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” Or even “let’s go halves” when the server’s eyes were on me - I would just blurt out “no it’s ok I’ll pay”

He pulled loads of these little stunts and was really quite tight.

Don't date again until you work on your assertiveness. Otherwise you'l just more people taking advantage of you.

In this instance I'm the CF. Went on a date with this guy to a wine bar and he got a round in. Unbeknownst to me at the time my drink, delicious white wine from NZ was £15 a glass to his £4 beer. Anyway he got the first few rounds in before I got up off my arse to go to the bar. Nearly fell backwards when the bar tender gave me the bill. Went back to my date and was all apologies for my extravagant taste and offered to repay the massive difference for our respective drinks. He just shrugged it off and told me not to worry about it. We're married now and I do sometimes wonder if I hadn't got to the bar would be have called for a second date

I fell for something similar too a few times before I saw it was a pattern . He has become a bit of a story, for quite a few reasons- the failed comedian. I am quite embarrassed thinking about it now!
He would say ‘ Do you want some money for that ?’ as the bill arrived and like you I would feel flummoxed and cheap asking . Looking back it was clearly a well used strategy of his. Who would actually say that ?

You're my hero, Bugger!