To not want to be sent to bed like a child

[YahooBrahoo]

Me and DH have a young baby.

Whilst they were still waking a lot in the night, DH took to sleeping downstairs in the living room.

DC now sleeps through and I have said DH is fine to come back in bedroom but he says he prefers it as it is his time to research things for work (SE) and he doesn't want to wake baby and he likes to be able to have his e cigarette too.

Except now he's basically taken to sending me to bed almost. We are still working on DC going to bed on their own so they sleep downstairs with us whilst we are watching TV or whatever and then I take them to bed with me when I go up.

It now gets to about 8:30/9 and he's basically telling me I need to go up now and getting the things ready to take up (bottles, dummies etc) because it's the only 'time' he gets...

I probably wouldn't go up much later than that anyway as I read to DC as they have their sleepy feed before going in their cot but it pisses me off that he basically decides for me.

I feel rushed and like I'm being sent to my room, not to come out again. Checking I have everything I need so I don't have to come out again basically.

AIBU to think if he insists on sleeping in the living room he needs to appreciate it isn't a bedroom and he doesn't get to decide when people vacate said room for the night?!

Aghhh! I mean creating a "rod for her own back"

Do continue to follow safe sleep guidance OP and not leave your baby when they're sleeping. You're doing best for your baby. Ignore the irresponsible one or two who have obviously got lucky.

@5475878237NC

Do continue to follow safe sleep guidance OP and not leave your baby when they're sleeping. You're doing best for your baby. Ignore the irresponsible one or two who have obviously got lucky.

Apologies, I didn't mean to give irresponsible advice. Although, I did leave my son at 4 months in another room asleep whilst I made dinner or had a shower for example. I never knew that was against safe sleep guidance.

OP, he would have to go upstairs if he wants to be able to work whilst baby sleeps (or wear headphones whilst watching videos).

Hi hope you ok?
You are a adult and this situation is totally unacceptable. It feels very weird especially as summer and lighter evenings etc.
You need to be able to walk around your home freely and not be ushered off to the bedroom. He's not your dad!
Change this situation now as not nice.

@YahooBrahoo

I think him not doing the nighttimes is partly both of us. He did help in the earlier days but I preferred doing it myself and often wouldn't want him to, I found it very hard not to try to take over iyswim. I couldn't just go back to sleep whilst baby was crying and leave him to sort it. Same with taking DC up now, I have a routine which works well getting them off and I prefer to do it myself admittedly although I would step back whilst he did it if he wanted to.

This speaks volumes. So basically, you’ve had a baby and you don’t want her father to take care of it. It doesn’t bode well for the future. How old if she?

He is a cf.at 2000hrs start putting his stuff upstairs! Or in the shed.

@5475878237NC

Do continue to follow safe sleep guidance OP and not leave your baby when they're sleeping. You're doing best for your baby. Ignore the irresponsible one or two who have obviously got lucky.

Absolutely disgusting comment. ‘Got lucky’? At 4 months, if there is a baby monitor and mattress alarm in the cot then no, it isn’t necessary to sit watching the baby every second. What do you think happens when the parents go to sleep? Or by your reckoning should one of them sit up all night watching the baby?

@user64325

She can't go upstairs and come back down because baby is only 4 months old. But presumably baby is ok sleeping in the living room while you watch TV of an evening so he should be fine doing his research while you continue to watch TV/read whatever.

Of course she can come back down!

She absolutely can go down! Do some people think babies have to be stared at 100% of the time!?

I don't think it's because the baby needs to be stared at. It reduces the risk of sids because a parent right there means the baby is responded to quickly, less risk of accidents. And room sharing supports breast feeding which also reduces the risk.

But yes in reality in order to have dinner, or a shower or watch tv most people have to use a monitor and check on them regularly.

Why can’t he do his “research” in the spare room that has no bed? Sounds like an ideal office?

@5475878237NC

Do continue to follow safe sleep guidance OP and not leave your baby when they're sleeping. You're doing best for your baby. Ignore the irresponsible one or two who have obviously got lucky.

Oh do fuck off. Most people put their babies down to sleep and then stay up a few hours without them.

The advice does not say you have to go to bed when they do. And SIDS is extraordinarily rare

@user64325

She can't go upstairs and come back down because baby is only 4 months old. But presumably baby is ok sleeping in the living room while you watch TV of an evening so he should be fine doing his research while you continue to watch TV/read whatever.

Of course she can.

We do have another room but there's no spare bed in it.

Why can’t he put a bed in the spare room and sleep and work in there?

Do continue to follow safe sleep guidance OP and not leave your baby when they're sleeping. You're doing best for your baby. Ignore the irresponsible one or two who have obviously got lucky.

I’ve never heard of this before!
What are you supposed to do with them then? What happens when you go to sleep?

He's taking the PISS ...

He just wants the living room to himself the rest of the evening...

Something is wrong here ..

@eatitgood

I don't think it's because the baby needs to be stared at. It reduces the risk of sids because a parent right there means the baby is responded to quickly, less risk of accidents. And room sharing supports breast feeding which also reduces the risk.

But yes in reality in order to have dinner, or a shower or watch tv most people have to use a monitor and check on them regularly.

How is a 4 month old baby at risk of having an accident in their cot?

@Soontobe60

At 4 months, if there is a baby monitor and mattress alarm in the cot then no, it isn’t necessary to sit watching the baby every second. What do you think happens when the parents go to sleep?

It's not about watching them. Research has proven the risk is lower with the parent present, that includes sleeping.

I think the parent breathing is supposed to help there baby regulate their breathing (which can vary) and keep breathing. I’m not sure how tested this is?

When he basically tells you to go to your room, point at the baby's face and say, "your child", then point at your face and say, "NOT your child".

Follow up with, "do you understand?".

Or you could just go straight for, "why don't you fuck off, you arsehole".

So basically OP, he wants you and the baby out of sight and out of mind by 8pm so he can watch porn, wank and whatever other faff on the internet. You know this is what he’s doing, right?

I don't think it's fair to say to the OP he's watching porn. This is not always the case.

I do think you should alternate it as it isn't fair.

I also hope he doesn't vape in the house at all with the baby 🤮.

he sounds like a Prick tbh 🥴

So you do the parenting while he has a wank and a fag. Great.

“It now gets to about 8:30/9 and he's basically telling me I need to go up now and getting the things ready to take up (bottles, dummies etc) because it's the only 'time' he gets... ”

You see, this would enrage me. He’d get nowhere with me like that, gathering the things and whining about his me-time as though I’m one of the kids too. He’d regret doing this and I can assure you there would be no repeat performance. He’s not my fucking dad. He can’t put me to bed. Jesus.
If he wants to be alone he is welcome to fuck off wherever he likes.