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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be sent to bed like a child

156 replies

YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:11

Me and DH have a young baby.

Whilst they were still waking a lot in the night, DH took to sleeping downstairs in the living room.

DC now sleeps through and I have said DH is fine to come back in bedroom but he says he prefers it as it is his time to research things for work (SE) and he doesn't want to wake baby and he likes to be able to have his e cigarette too.

Except now he's basically taken to sending me to bed almost. We are still working on DC going to bed on their own so they sleep downstairs with us whilst we are watching TV or whatever and then I take them to bed with me when I go up.

It now gets to about 8:30/9 and he's basically telling me I need to go up now and getting the things ready to take up (bottles, dummies etc) because it's the only 'time' he gets...

I probably wouldn't go up much later than that anyway as I read to DC as they have their sleepy feed before going in their cot but it pisses me off that he basically decides for me.

I feel rushed and like I'm being sent to my room, not to come out again. Checking I have everything I need so I don't have to come out again basically.

AIBU to think if he insists on sleeping in the living room he needs to appreciate it isn't a bedroom and he doesn't get to decide when people vacate said room for the night?!

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 23:38

How old is your dc now?

Why can't DH watch the videos in bed? If they're noisy/violent why can't he use headphones? Why does he 'need' to 'work' every single night?

You need to talk to him and ask him why he doesn't want to go to bed with you & why he wants you out of the way by 9.

Fir gid sake stop taking this lying down, you're sleep walking into the end of your marriage and certainly the end of your own life - getting banished at 8:30 by your husband. It's madness.

NewlyGranny · 06/06/2021 23:40

You need some adult time together child-free in the evenings! You aren't getting it. I think you vould start by tackling, together, the habit of letting the children fall asleep in the sitiing room. Too many people are treating your sitting room like a bedroom and it's not good!

MizMoonshine · 06/06/2021 23:50

Does he ever sleep with you?
I'd really miss the intimacy of sleeping with my partner.
You are right that he's being a knob by ushering you to bed when he's ready to sleep. He needs to acknowledge that the shared living space isn't his and his alone and you will come and go as you please. Hand him some headphones and tell him to get his arse upstairs if he's ready to rest.

SympathyFatigue · 07/06/2021 00:11

Can baby bot have own room.
Put cot in spare room. That way he'd not be waking them?

Birminghambloke · 07/06/2021 00:11

It works for the childcare situation. It works for him. Where are you in this? Where’s your couple times?

HoppingPavlova · 07/06/2021 00:14

I don’t think he is having an affair but would lay money in his ‘research’ being porn.

Soundbyte · 07/06/2021 00:18

You sure he’s not watching porn? Or binge watching tv shows?

In all honestly he’s probably having some time where he can do these things, and vape when he wants to too and this is the extent of it. It’s not wrong, it’s not weird, just insist on your own allocation of time to do what you want to aswell. Have an evening or two a week, or a few hours on a weekend to do what ever the fuck it is you would like to do.

HandsOffMyRights · 07/06/2021 00:23

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. What's he up to?

HaveringWavering · 07/06/2021 00:30

What does “SE” mean?

saraclara · 07/06/2021 00:31

He did this before baby, would stay up to look up things for his business, he'd do it in bed with me but a lot of it was watching videos which is why he says he can't do it upstairs because of baby.

He's not heard of headphones?

1forAll74 · 07/06/2021 03:49

I truly hope that you are not following all these bedtime rules, given to you by this odd ball Husband of yours.

Bumzoo · 07/06/2021 04:08

Does he sleep upstairs when the baby is at your mums?

Jobsharenightmare · 07/06/2021 04:28

My first thought is that this is a symptom of a problem in the relationship.

It suggests to me he is checking out if he no longer wants to spend the evening with you.

There could be many reasons for that.

I appreciate you believe he isn't up to no good, although most of the infidelity relationship board posts start with "I can't believe this has happened to me/I never imagined I'd be in this situation but"...

The bottom line is though he is creating new rituals in your relationship through changing your routine to one that involve distance, not connection. That is a warning sign that your relationship needs attention.

Elbie79 · 07/06/2021 04:31

@Bumzoo

Does he sleep upstairs when the baby is at your mums?
Really interesting point this. Absolutely no excuse not to be in the bedroom then.

(And yes, definitely porn).

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2021 04:36

It doesn’t matter what he’s doing.
He'd probably start going on about wanting to go to bed soon and so on... Then we'd get into the whole 'its okay for you, you don't need to be up early in the morning' etc...
That’s when you say ‘fair enough, that’s why we have a bedroom and a living room. I’m watching x, you can go to bed in our bedroom. Or are you the only person who gets evening time alone in the living room? Having a baby didn’t mean I stopped counting as a person you know.’

He sounds a bit crap overall. The kind of guy who does as little as he can get away with on the home front and thinks that’s a perfectly acceptable approach with no acknowledgment that it’s a neon sign saying you are an unimportant slave in this house who should be doing all the crappy work.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 04:50

Just how much "research" does your husband need to do?
Is this "research" every night? Weekends? Whilst your baby is at your mum's?
Sleeping downstairs away from you must be making you feel pretty much "frozen out" intimately?
I think you need to look long term and at the bigger picture in your situation.
You seem to just do as he requests with no resistance, are you scared to confront him because you're scared it might lead to conversations that might prove there's a bigger problems in your marriage?

MyOtherProfile · 07/06/2021 04:55

He is dad. He needs to be doing dad things and taking dad responsibilities or in 5 years time you will be doing everything for DC, he will be doing nothing and have no relationship with them. Plus his relationship with you will have whittled to nothing although it looks like that is already happening.

Only you can put a stop to this.

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 04:57

what a knob and you're enabling him. Get him told. 🌸

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2021 05:05

But yes I am confident its nothing like that.

Sorry, it's exactly like that.

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 05:18

@Aquamarine1029

But yes I am confident its nothing like that.

Sorry, it's exactly like that.

yip 😏

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 07/06/2021 05:23

@SympathyFatigue

Can baby bot have own room. Put cot in spare room. That way he'd not be waking them?
Not yet, he is are too young imo (4m).

DH sleeps upstairs with me when baby sleeps at my mum's.

Oddly we actually are still intimate, nothing has changed in that respect, we go to bed when baby naps. I've never liked curdling before sleep or anything and he's a snorer so I'm not actually bothered that he doesn't sleep in the bedroom, although I'd be happy for him to again obviously. It's more that he sends me off to bed when he wants to do his own stuff./get in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 07/06/2021 05:24

@Aquamarine1029

But yes I am confident its nothing like that.

Sorry, it's exactly like that.

I'll be happy to eat my words if that ever came out but I truly don't believe it is so you won't convince me of that I'm afraid.
OP posts:
Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 07/06/2021 05:26

@HaveringWavering

What does “SE” mean?
Self employed
OP posts:
Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 07/06/2021 05:28

Cuddling not curdling Blush

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 07/06/2021 05:55

He's watching porn.

I'd bet a million on that. He's not 'researching' anything. It's porn.

Have you tried walking in on him an hour after you've left him there? Do that.