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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be sent to bed like a child

156 replies

YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:11

Me and DH have a young baby.

Whilst they were still waking a lot in the night, DH took to sleeping downstairs in the living room.

DC now sleeps through and I have said DH is fine to come back in bedroom but he says he prefers it as it is his time to research things for work (SE) and he doesn't want to wake baby and he likes to be able to have his e cigarette too.

Except now he's basically taken to sending me to bed almost. We are still working on DC going to bed on their own so they sleep downstairs with us whilst we are watching TV or whatever and then I take them to bed with me when I go up.

It now gets to about 8:30/9 and he's basically telling me I need to go up now and getting the things ready to take up (bottles, dummies etc) because it's the only 'time' he gets...

I probably wouldn't go up much later than that anyway as I read to DC as they have their sleepy feed before going in their cot but it pisses me off that he basically decides for me.

I feel rushed and like I'm being sent to my room, not to come out again. Checking I have everything I need so I don't have to come out again basically.

AIBU to think if he insists on sleeping in the living room he needs to appreciate it isn't a bedroom and he doesn't get to decide when people vacate said room for the night?!

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/06/2021 22:53

Get a spine! 'No, I don't want to be sent to my room. I'm not a child. You go up if you want to wank to porn or vape.;

UhtredRagnarson · 06/06/2021 22:53

I find it easier to let go when I'm not physically there if that makes sense? If I'm in the house and can hear DC I just want to do it myself.

In that case I would teach your DH the routine, agree with him that he does it for a week and you leave the house each evening for that week until DH texts you and tells you when baby is settled. After that baby should be well used to DH settling them and you can take it in turns every night.

alterego2 · 06/06/2021 22:54

Just NO! 'I will take DC up to bed when I am ready. Feel free to research what you want/watch YouTube - I will read/watch TV and go to bed when I wish'. Sorry - this is not on.

MotherOfDragons27 · 06/06/2021 22:56

Why can't he watch his videos in bed with you using headphones? Or just come up to bed when he's done 'researching'.

FortniteBoysMum · 06/06/2021 22:56

I would be asking why his avoiding the bedroom. Most men would think the baby is finally sleeping maybe I will get lucky yet his avoiding going back into the marital bed. How is the relationship other than this? Does he show you any intimacy? I would certainly point out that as an adult you will go to bed when you see fit. Maybe he takes baby up so you can chill. Time to invest in a decent baby monitor and start putting baby upstairs maybe.

Nitpickpicnic · 06/06/2021 22:57

I wouldn’t be tempted into an argument. I’d just make myself a big mug of hot drink and settle back on the sofa. Let him whitter away at himself.

I might allow myself a ‘This just isn’t YOUR room, mate. WE have a bedroom, which you can use now or any time you need desperately to escape my company of an evening. End of.’

Fupoffyagrasshole · 06/06/2021 22:58

He’s being ridiculous 😂if it’s work then he can go to that spare room to do it ! If he wants to go to bed then he can head on up ahead of you!
You are part of the problem though not letting him do any of the bedtime routine though - it’s really stupid !

DifferentHair · 06/06/2021 22:58

Wow. Nope, not ok. He doesn't get to commandeer the living room for his 'me time'. Hmm

Time for an honest conversation OP.

WaterBottle123 · 06/06/2021 22:59

So he basic signs off for the night at 8.30pm.

Wow.

Notashandyta · 06/06/2021 23:00

Porn, without a doubt. Incognito, no need to be secretive with phone

Daisylg · 06/06/2021 23:03

Tell him to p*ss off.. when’s your time?? Or your time as a married couple? And how are
You meant to be intimate if he never comes to bed with you? I understand you aren’t worried about an affair etc, but I would definitely
Think he’s watching porn or something else why is he making sure you have everything so that you don’t have to leave the room basically? I understand getting to a certain time being like ok time for kids to go to bed now (and if your happy to be the only one doing that that’s your decision and your rod for your own back really) but there’s no need for him to get rid of you to. It’s mean. Tell him, the next time he says ok I’m getting tired now, that his bed is upstairs. The longer you let this carry on, the harder it will be to go back to normal xx

Horehound · 06/06/2021 23:04

It really doesn't matter what he is doing. What matters is the OP is relegated away and he doesn't respect she needs use of the living room too. It's pathetic really.

I'd tell him to buy a bed for the other room.
And also, doesn't seem great from a successful marriage standpoint, does it?
Happy to sleep separately even though baby sleeps through...hmmm

aibubaby · 06/06/2021 23:08

I don't think he's up to anything suspicious - but I do think it's sad he doesn't want to spend any adult time with you, and doesn't really want you around. That'd bother me.

DH and I are known to ask the other to piss off now because we're busy playing a game/reading/working late/just want some time alone in our respective spaces in the house, but we do so occasionally and with the knowledge that the other has their own space or the living room to go to - not every night and banished off to bed like a kid. I'd be really upset if he did that every night like I was an annoying housemate he didn't want to talk to.

5zeds · 06/06/2021 23:08

Just say “no”Confused

Dangermouse80 · 06/06/2021 23:09

It sounds like you just have a routine. Just change it up and come back downstairs when the kids are settled.
Lots of people have separate evening time when kids are young. Why would he think to change when you are happily doing this?

ZenNudist · 06/06/2021 23:09

Obviously it's a shitty situation and he sounds like a knob. You dont seem to want to change it. Why are you doing 100% of the evening routine. This baffles me. So you spend all day every day with baby and do all nights. I think you and dh start to take it in turns. I say this as someone who bf both dc. Still managed to share evening settling with dh.

Rod. Own. Back.

Chloemol · 06/06/2021 23:10

Why isn’t he taking turns in putting the kids to bed?

Childrenofthestones · 06/06/2021 23:12

@UhtredRagnarson

He’s watching porn
This^^^^^^^ Deffo
Dashel · 06/06/2021 23:13

Get your DH doing his share of bedtimes and child care and one evening, way before bedtime I would tell him that you have concerns about exactly what’s going on in your marriage, ask him why is he avoiding the bedroom and I would be asking what this means for your marriage going forward if he would rather being doing his own thing. Has he turned into a sofa surfer or friend or does he want to be a grown up husband and get into bed with his grown up wife? I would be mortified if DH would rather sleep on the sofa than in with me on a regular basis.

partyatthepalace · 06/06/2021 23:25

Yep. Just tell him to bugger off

Also - sleeping in the sitting room is meant to be temp. When is he planning to move bsck?

trunumber · 06/06/2021 23:25

He's wanking. Definitely. Otherwise why couldn't you just stay while he researched? After all he used to research while in bed next to you so he can certainly do it on the sofa next to you.

Zzelda · 06/06/2021 23:28

Same with taking DC up now, I have a routine which works well getting them off and I prefer to do it myself admittedly although I would step back whilst he did it if he wanted to

FFS, tell him what the routine is and leave him to it. If necessary, put in earplugs so you can't hear what's going on. You're just creating problems for yourself by refusing to let your husband do the bedtime routine.

Next time he starts fussing around with the bottles etc at bedtime, give him the baby and tell him to get on with it. If he wants to do his "research" watching videos, he can do it upstairs with earphones.

MuchTooTired · 06/06/2021 23:29

My money would definitely be on watching porn. That’s probably me being really sexist though, as I’m a woman, and positively beam when DH is off to bed early - I’m not bashing one out on the sofa or having an online affair! I just relish the silence and zero demands on myself. It’s just me.

Could he not go upstairs and go to bed for his me time and leave you the sitting room? Then you can go to bed when you’re ready.

I’d be wary of being the only one who does bedtime personally in case you end up completely knackered.

ArcheryAnnie · 06/06/2021 23:30

If he wants to go to bed, the bedroom is there. The sitting room is shared. It's not his decision about when you go to bed.

YukoandHiro · 06/06/2021 23:34

Watching porn. Depends how you feel about that really. Pretty sure my DH does after I've gone to bed with the baby, but not in the shared living room and certainly never suggesting I go to bed earlier than I want to