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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be sent to bed like a child

156 replies

YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:11

Me and DH have a young baby.

Whilst they were still waking a lot in the night, DH took to sleeping downstairs in the living room.

DC now sleeps through and I have said DH is fine to come back in bedroom but he says he prefers it as it is his time to research things for work (SE) and he doesn't want to wake baby and he likes to be able to have his e cigarette too.

Except now he's basically taken to sending me to bed almost. We are still working on DC going to bed on their own so they sleep downstairs with us whilst we are watching TV or whatever and then I take them to bed with me when I go up.

It now gets to about 8:30/9 and he's basically telling me I need to go up now and getting the things ready to take up (bottles, dummies etc) because it's the only 'time' he gets...

I probably wouldn't go up much later than that anyway as I read to DC as they have their sleepy feed before going in their cot but it pisses me off that he basically decides for me.

I feel rushed and like I'm being sent to my room, not to come out again. Checking I have everything I need so I don't have to come out again basically.

AIBU to think if he insists on sleeping in the living room he needs to appreciate it isn't a bedroom and he doesn't get to decide when people vacate said room for the night?!

OP posts:
SympathyFatigue · 06/06/2021 22:33

Why can't he do bedtime settling?

When's your time? He chooses to use living room, he's probably tugging on himself all night.

Millie2008 · 06/06/2021 22:34

@Giantrooster

New routine, he settles the dc, you chill on the sofa.
This. Unless you're bf to sleep, no reason he can't put the baby down. I think a whole new routine needs to be thought about, which includes you also getting "you time".
MayIDestroyYou · 06/06/2021 22:34

@UhtredRagnarson

He’s watching porn
Yup.
Bootskates · 06/06/2021 22:35

What would happen if one night you took baby up and came back down and settled yourself back down on the sofa?

So he says "go to bed/get out I'm 'researching'" and you say no I'm fine here thanks?

TaVeryMuchLove · 06/06/2021 22:36

@UhtredRagnarson

He’s watching porn
Yup
Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:37

I think him not doing the nighttimes is partly both of us. He did help in the earlier days but I preferred doing it myself and often wouldn't want him to, I found it very hard not to try to take over iyswim. I couldn't just go back to sleep whilst baby was crying and leave him to sort it. Same with taking DC up now, I have a routine which works well getting them off and I prefer to do it myself admittedly although I would step back whilst he did it if he wanted to.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 06/06/2021 22:39

I know you're 'certain' it's not that. Many women are before they find the the new play thing.

He doesn't want to come to bed with you... he wants you out of the way

wake up

Honestly he's not playing tiddlywinks night after night.

I don't want to upset you, but if he's not having an online affair I'll eat my phone.

thefirstmrsrochester · 06/06/2021 22:39

So he gets his ‘me time’ so to speak, and hustles you upstairs with the baby so he can absolve himself of any parental duty after a certain point in time and commandeer the general living space in the house for himself. Nope OP, put the baby to bed and deposit yourself on the couch in the living room and get yourself some ‘me time’ to yourself.

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:40

@Bootskates

What would happen if one night you took baby up and came back down and settled yourself back down on the sofa?

So he says "go to bed/get out I'm 'researching'" and you say no I'm fine here thanks?

He'd probably start going on about wanting to go to bed soon and so on... Then we'd get into the whole 'its okay for you, you don't need to be up early in the morning' etc...
OP posts:
legotruck · 06/06/2021 22:40

@YahooBrahoo

I think him not doing the nighttimes is partly both of us. He did help in the earlier days but I preferred doing it myself and often wouldn't want him to, I found it very hard not to try to take over iyswim. I couldn't just go back to sleep whilst baby was crying and leave him to sort it. Same with taking DC up now, I have a routine which works well getting them off and I prefer to do it myself admittedly although I would step back whilst he did it if he wanted to.

Ultimately what has happened is you have turned into 2 'separate parts' - you and baby, then him. If that's because you are overbearing and not willing to let him help it's no surprise he isn't interested. Maybe it's because you are protecting yourself from him letting you down, you do everything and pretend to yourself it's your choice and you are happy with it?

Either way your relationship is going in opposite directions.

haveaday · 06/06/2021 22:41

I literally have the opposite problem! We have baby that still stays with us until we go to bed. DP will not let me go to bed on my own. If I want an early night he has to come and 'tuck us in' then checks on us every fucking 20 minutes til he comes to bed. Your set up sounds divine to me.

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:43

That's fine, I do appreciate that lots of women say they don't believe it's that and I can see how it sounds but honest to god not a single part of me thinks it's an affair.

He did this before baby, would stay up to look up things for his business, he'd do it in bed with me but a lot of it was watching videos which is why he says he can't do it upstairs because of baby.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 06/06/2021 22:44

@YahooBrahoo

I think him not doing the nighttimes is partly both of us. He did help in the earlier days but I preferred doing it myself and often wouldn't want him to, I found it very hard not to try to take over iyswim. I couldn't just go back to sleep whilst baby was crying and leave him to sort it. Same with taking DC up now, I have a routine which works well getting them off and I prefer to do it myself admittedly although I would step back whilst he did it if he wanted to.
OP regardless of anything else, please please PLEASE do not make yourself a mum martyr. (You already are btw- stop!) you will be absolutely burned out and kicking yourself in 2 years time when your toddler won’t settle for anyone but you and you can’t go out for a drink with friends or just have a fucking night off! Please break this bad habit you’ve started now. Time to teach DH the routine and take it in turns each night. Seriously, you really aren’t doing yourself any favours by insisting on doing this job.
Bootskates · 06/06/2021 22:44

He'd probably start going on about wanting to go to bed soon and so on... Then we'd get into the whole 'its okay for you, you don't need to be up early in the morning' etc...

At that point I would point out there is the marital bed lying empty upstairs and he doesn't get to take over communal areas of the house.

And as for him saying it's ok you don't have to be up early...you have a baby who I'm sure you are doing the majority of care for??

He sounds really disrespectful towards you op Sad

Windinmyhair · 06/06/2021 22:45

Behaviour like this in the early days is setting yourself up for trouble later down the line.

He is taking the piss. You are letting him.

This will not improve.

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:45

Sorry my last post should have quoted AlmostSummer

OP posts:
getyourfreakon · 06/06/2021 22:46

This is one child, not more than one? In any case, tell him to sod off. When's your time for yourself?

JewelGarden · 06/06/2021 22:48

He can get to fuck!! When do you get adult time? Sometimes that hour in the evening with a cup of tea and adult tv saves our sanity as parents.

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:48

OP regardless of anything else, please please PLEASE do not make yourself a mum martyr. (You already are btw- stop!) you will be absolutely burned out and kicking yourself in 2 years time when your toddler won’t settle for anyone but you

Yes I know I need to do this. It's hard to let go though. DC has been having regular sleepovers at my mum's for about 2 months now so that they gets used to being elsewhere but I understand that's silly if I won't even let DH do it here. I find it easier to let go when I'm not physically there if that makes sense? If I'm in the house and can hear DC I just want to do it myself. But I do also think DH is happy to let me.

OP posts:
JohnWatersMoustache · 06/06/2021 22:49

He'd probably start going on about wanting to go to bed soon and so on... Then we'd get into the whole 'its okay for you, you don't need to be up early in the morning' etc...

So tell him there’s a perfectly good bed upstairs that he can get in. If he’s finished ‘researching’ and is just going to sleep why does he need to stay downstairs?

DecorChange · 06/06/2021 22:50

Does he vape around the baby? Or in the house?

MrMeeseekslookatme · 06/06/2021 22:51

Do you only have one bedroom or something? Is there not another upstairs room he can go to?

You need your time as well. You need to start letting him help and start alternating who takes the baby to bed each night. That's what worked best for us.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 06/06/2021 22:51

Tell him to get to fuck

Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:52

@DecorChange

Does he vape around the baby? Or in the house?
No out of the back door.
OP posts:
Original poster
YahooBrahoo · 06/06/2021 22:52

@MrMeeseekslookatme

Do you only have one bedroom or something? Is there not another upstairs room he can go to?

You need your time as well. You need to start letting him help and start alternating who takes the baby to bed each night. That's what worked best for us.

We do have another room but there's no spare bed in it.
OP posts:
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