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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think we did a nice thing?!

503 replies

WeddingSingers · 06/06/2021 20:08

NC because this is very outing.

About two weeks ago, DH and I attended a wedding where DH was the Best Man. The bride went a little bit "bridezilla" in the build-up to the wedding - including quite a big argument where she was insisting to her DH that the bride should get a veto on any wedding decision and was insisting that she got to choose the suits). We're not in the UK so Covid restrictions were different so around 100 people in attendance.

On the day, the band contacted the couple to say that there was some issue (it was illness related but not sure if it was Covid) and they couldn't be there. DH is a musician with an audio background - he spoke to the Groom offered to sing and play guitar for their first dance and a few other pieces. I also sometimes sing with DH (I'm not a professional singer) so I did some backing vocals for the songs. I thought it was quite nice and went quite well all things considered - it was also quite a lot of stress to try and sort out on the day of the wedding to go home and get kit and get things set up without anyone really being aware or missing any part of the day.

I've just been messaged by the Bride today to say that she's really hurt that I made "her day" all about me "by stealing the limelight". I also wore white shoes (with a navy dress) and she's said it was "totally inappropriate and really nasty". I feel like this is completely absurd - I only sang the backing vocals and, of course, all eyes would've been on her! I understand not wearing white to a wedding but I feel like it's just my shoes - am I wrong here?

Should I apologise just to keep the peace and prevent anything being awkward with DH and his best mate? Should I ignore entirely? Should I respond and defend myself? Or was I in the wrong and should I apologise?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Justilou1 · 07/06/2021 00:13

I like the WhatsApp group with all partners and “Wow!” or “Really???”

L0bstersLass · 07/06/2021 00:20

@SleepingLikeALog

I would get your DH to forward the message to the groom along with a brief message along the lines of "I'm not sure how to reply to this." Then let the groom sort her out.
This is very good advice.
saraclara · 07/06/2021 00:27

I would get your DH to forward the message to the groom along with a brief message along the lines of "I'm not sure how to reply to this." Then let the groom sort her out.

That, but if you have the groom's number I'd forward it directly to him. Because a) it looks a bit wussy to ask 'your man' to do it, and b) it's almost always better to do these things direct, rather than involve a third party, even if (or especially if?) that is his best man

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2021 00:41

If you want your DH and the groom to maintain their friendship I'd probably grit my teeth and text 'I'm sorry you were upset' and leave it at that.

But I'd make it abundantly clear to my DH that you have no interest in forming a friendship with the bride and that although you want him to maintain his friendship with the groom, hell will freeze over before the four of you form a 'social foursome' for travel, meals, holidays, etc.

My DH had a friend with a wife like that. At first DH and his mate thought their wives would also be 'besties' and we'd all pal around like the Ricardos and the Mertzes. Then she showed her true colours. We were always polite when we absolutely had to be around her but DH always gently rebuffed any suggestions of 'couple-y things'.

Eventually she alienated all his friends so DH no longer sees his mate. Don't be surprised if the same thing happens to your DH.

JanuaryJonez · 07/06/2021 01:01

Bejesus she was obviously extremely jealous of you, which unfortunately precludes any meaningful friendship with her.

Move on....

PegasusReturns · 07/06/2021 01:14

I’d be sitting on my hands not to just respond “I was helping you out”.

queennotififi · 07/06/2021 01:24

"I'm sorry you feel like that. I was just trying to be helpful when your musicians let you down. You looked absolutely stunning. xx"

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 01:25

What a Dick she is 🤣😂

Justilou1 · 07/06/2021 01:26

Just send it back to her DH with “WTAF?”

ElizabethTudor · 07/06/2021 01:35

Do not apologise.
And I couldn’t ignore the ungrateful wench.
So I’d reply something along the lines of:

I think you meant to say “Thank you both for stepping in at the last minute and helping out when the band couldn’t perform.”
I’d then block her.

I’d also forward both messages to the groom and your partner with a simple FYI.
I’d also be confirming to your partner, for the avoidance of doubt, that I would not be seeing the post-wedding Bridezilla ever again. (Just in case he thinks there’ll be cozy foursome nights out)

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 01:42

You did an absolutely AMAZING thing by the way..

you saved the entertainment .. nice nice people you are 🎉🥂🌸

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 07/06/2021 02:19

On the face of it, you are not being unreasonable, but this is one of those threads where I'd love to hear the bride's side of things just to be sure.

RiojaRose · 07/06/2021 02:30

@Triphazards

Look on the bright side. You didn't marry her.
Exactly!
Changechangychange · 07/06/2021 02:40

@NewlyGranny

I'm assuming you didn't do a cover of "Please Release Me", mind! Or "Devil Woman".
D.I.V.O.R.C.E?

Single Ladies?

Grin
timeisnotaline · 07/06/2021 02:58

I like phoning her up, but take the clueless helpful approach. Oh my god I had no idea no one told you. I mean I know no-one wanted to stress you out on the day but I thought you would have worked it out! The band cancelled on the actual day, so your new husband (such a lucky man) was scrambling to work out what to do and asked us to help. Hahaa so funny you thoght we just jumped up there and happened to have all our equipment, do you know what an effort it was scrambling that together?? Out of curiosity, did you think we’d mugged the band and turned up prepared to get our moment in the limelight? But weird. We aren’t the mugging sort. Sorry you didn’t like my shoes, I have to say I really love them though. Anyway you’re on your honeymoon so I’ll leave you to wedded bliss!! Hi to groom! Ciao!

Hang up quickly.

miltonj · 07/06/2021 03:01

I think just texting her 'Wtf' would suffice

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/06/2021 04:06

Are you Beyoncé? Or Ariana Grande? If yes, then even as a backing singer you may have had more attention than the bride is comfortable with.

Now, back in the real world, where you are a normal person who hasn’t been in the charts every week for the last 5 years….

You did a nice thing. She is an ungrateful bitch.

I would definitely boot this over to your DH to deal with (or if you know the groom well enough, forward it to him directly).

I’d either not reply to the message she sent or say ‘I was really hurt to get your text as, when your husband asked us to help out on short notice, we went out of our way to do whatever we could for you’.

Don’t mention the shoes. Are you in the US, perhaps? Deep South? Was it before Memorial Day?

SpeakingFranglais · 07/06/2021 04:29

“I am sorry you feel this way, we stepped in at the last minute when (insert live musician name) dropped out to help otherwise you wouldn’t have had ANY music. Your message is a shock and very ungrateful. As for the shoes, have you any idea how ridiculous that is?”

Catflapkitkat · 07/06/2021 04:32

Assuming you didn't sing:-

Don't marry her, marry me - Beautiful South
It's not right but it's Okay - Whitney
Easy Lover - Phil Collins
It Should have been me - Yvonne Eliman

You did a lovely thing. Don't second guess yourself and DON'T apologise. Someone is suffering from post martial blues - we have all come across them - when the wedding is of more importance than the marriage. It's not you, it's her.

I agree with the above posts - get your DH to forward it to the groom. It's not 'wussy' - let them deal with it. You helped you didn't arrange it.

austrian · 07/06/2021 04:53

I think she's had loads of guests who were at the wedding saying stuff like 'wasn't it a good job WeddingSingers and WeddingsingersDH were able to save the day' 'What great voices they have' 'they were even better than a band' rather than saying 'you looked great in your dress' 'I loved your first dance' 'what amazing table decorations' etc and she's feeling like everyone is talking about you and not her.

This is absolutely what happened. She's had everyone raving about how good the music was. She may also not have been expecting you to be up there, so thinks you randomly chose to jump in and take the microphone for attention.

Needless to say, a happy person who loved their wedding does not send a message like that.

You definitely need to have your DH forward it to the groom and don't reply yourself.

I'm a bit Hmmat the replies saying you should say sorry in any way shape or form?! Sorry for what?!

strawberrydonuts · 07/06/2021 05:14

I feel like she was absolutely rude to you, but people saying she is "batshit" are also being very harsh.

Weddings are so stressful to organise and often get built up to be some kind of Day of Dreams. With Covid on top, I can imagine any bride feeling added pressure to make the day perfect. It must be a big blow to find out at the last minute that something as major as the music you've chosen for the evening party isn't going to happen.

She was probably devastated about that and feeling like the day was already changed from what she would have liked, after putting a huge amount of work into it.

She didn't have any say or control over the arrangements as you said your DH arranged it with the groom. Tbh I can imagine some brides being upset if another beautiful woman is up on stage performing and getting the attention of her guests on her wedding day.

I don't think it's very rational and I don't think I would care personally, but I can see that some people would be upset.

However, she shouldn't have taken it out on you, as you were only trying to help. She should have spoken to her husband about it. And I think the white shoes thing is really silly (although I wouldn't wear anything white to a wedding, just to be on the safe side, as some people take it to more extremes than others!)

So yeah... I think it was unfair how she reacted with you... but I can kind of understand how she feels.

I think you just need to explain that you were trying to help and it was all very last minute but you are sorry if you didn't get it quite right for her.

strawberrydonuts · 07/06/2021 05:20

I don't think "I'm sorry you feel that way" is ever a good thing to say.

Either say sorry for something or don't - don't do that wishy washy in between nonsense. It's patronising, disingenuous and everyone knows it's not an apology at all.

I'm sure OP can decide whether or not she wants to say sorry for anything. She certainly didn't do anything wrong but she might be feeling bad that the bride was upset. In that situation I would say I was sorry that I didn't get it quite right for her, but also just reiterate the circumstances and that it was all very last minute, and you were just doing what the groom had asked you to.

jan9876 · 07/06/2021 05:40

normal people would be so grateful and touched that you did this. I would think it was lovely and so meaningful having friends do it and i would be very thankful!! So would anyone I know. this person is crazy and has shown her true colours.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 05:46

No doubt her husband has had a while honeymoon of this, and quite possibly he knows that she's text you too.
If she's focusing on one aspect of her day two weeks on, well she's obviously not taken too well to married life. I bet her poor husband won't have any friends left, as she looks like she's starting as she means to go on. She's probably sent others caustic messages too. Don't apologise as you've done nothing wrong. Replying to people when they're like that is pointless. I'd just leave her with it, and avoid contact with her from now on.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 05:47

*whole not while 🤭