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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we did a nice thing?!

503 replies

WeddingSingers · 06/06/2021 20:08

NC because this is very outing.

About two weeks ago, DH and I attended a wedding where DH was the Best Man. The bride went a little bit "bridezilla" in the build-up to the wedding - including quite a big argument where she was insisting to her DH that the bride should get a veto on any wedding decision and was insisting that she got to choose the suits). We're not in the UK so Covid restrictions were different so around 100 people in attendance.

On the day, the band contacted the couple to say that there was some issue (it was illness related but not sure if it was Covid) and they couldn't be there. DH is a musician with an audio background - he spoke to the Groom offered to sing and play guitar for their first dance and a few other pieces. I also sometimes sing with DH (I'm not a professional singer) so I did some backing vocals for the songs. I thought it was quite nice and went quite well all things considered - it was also quite a lot of stress to try and sort out on the day of the wedding to go home and get kit and get things set up without anyone really being aware or missing any part of the day.

I've just been messaged by the Bride today to say that she's really hurt that I made "her day" all about me "by stealing the limelight". I also wore white shoes (with a navy dress) and she's said it was "totally inappropriate and really nasty". I feel like this is completely absurd - I only sang the backing vocals and, of course, all eyes would've been on her! I understand not wearing white to a wedding but I feel like it's just my shoes - am I wrong here?

Should I apologise just to keep the peace and prevent anything being awkward with DH and his best mate? Should I ignore entirely? Should I respond and defend myself? Or was I in the wrong and should I apologise?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
twinmum2007 · 07/06/2021 18:53

@Immunetypegoblin

Maybe text back "I'm very sorry if we upset you - it was absolutely not our intention to steal any focus whatsoever, we just wanted to help with the music. Honestly, we thought we were helping you out. I'm really sorry that this has caused stress though. I hope you had a good honeymoon. Speak soon, OP"

Hopefully that strikes the right line between standing your ground for common sense and soothing her feelings.

I think this is the best tactic. It may seem.like you are playing her game, but in the long run, It's always better to have 'been the bigger man' in situations like this. You know you did a nice thing, so does your DH and the groom. The bride will either realise pretty quickly or will hopefully be put right by others if she still.mithers on about it. Not worth losing a friendship (DH's) or sleep over.
Kittensat36 · 07/06/2021 18:57

The thing is that brides like this seem to spend their wedding day looking for something to get upset about, they aren't happy until there's something to throw a hissy fit over.

What a fab honeymoon her DH must have had with her stewing herself into a snit over someone else's shoes.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 07/06/2021 18:58

My usual response is "You misspelled 'thank you'."

But if I were feeling particularly waspish, "I see the honeymoon went well."

pbvincent · 07/06/2021 18:59

No disrespect to you.

But my God, what sort of future awaits the NEW hubby !!!!!

One Love
One World

Harleyband · 07/06/2021 19:01

I"d probably ignore but if I did respond it would be "Hmmm. OK."

Annoy · 07/06/2021 19:02

I’m disappointed that there’s no more posts from the OP.... What happened OP? Did you reply?!

KihoBebiluPute · 07/06/2021 19:04

@WimpoleHat

I think I’d say, “for the record, my DH asked me to help him to do a favour for your DH. All arranged by them. I can’t say it was particular fun for me at the time and it certainly isn’t now. Please don’t contact me again. All the best.” And don’t ever speak to her again....
This is the best response. Except I would leave off the "All the best" bit at the end.
LauraPearl · 07/06/2021 19:04

YANBU... she is.

No good deed goes unpunished, sadly.

Tazmania77 · 07/06/2021 19:10

Definitely reply saying I think you misspelled thank you!

supermoonrising · 07/06/2021 19:13

Her comment is unreasonable, but maybe her DH kept her in the dark about the change of plan.

And sounds like OP's husband was asked to cover but I'm not sure OP was.... so it might have been a shock to bridezilla AND/OR groom when attractive woman suddenly got up and started crooning away to the songs and getting rapturous applause.

Her text was out of order but sounds like communication might have been better AA around...

supermoonrising · 07/06/2021 19:14

^ all round

heaveho · 07/06/2021 19:14

Cancel the cheque!

supermoonrising · 07/06/2021 19:18

I can kind of understand the annoyance if they were expecting a single bloke (his best man) to be strumming away on a guitar... But then suddenly it's a duo - and his Mrs looks very attractive.
Nice gesture but seems communication was off and if they'd just asked for Ed Sheeran to croon away as back up, probably better it was just Ed and not Ed + attractive other half.

PlsSendWine · 07/06/2021 19:18

But what’s the back story here? Has there been bad feeling in the past? Are you friends at all?

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 19:20

@supermoonrising

Her comment is unreasonable, but maybe her DH kept her in the dark about the change of plan.

And sounds like OP's husband was asked to cover but I'm not sure OP was.... so it might have been a shock to bridezilla AND/OR groom when attractive woman suddenly got up and started crooning away to the songs and getting rapturous applause.

Her text was out of order but sounds like communication might have been better AA around...

Do people generally have an issue with female singers in wedding bands?
Mummabear89 · 07/06/2021 19:20

If it had been my wedding I would have been super pleased at your thoughtfulness and very grateful for what you did. Who the hell notices the colour of people's shoes she's am odd one. I'd talk to your DH about it and then he can chat to his friend if he wants to, because chances are the groom has zero clue that she's done this

Original poster
WeddingSingers · 07/06/2021 19:26

Hi all,
Thank you so much for all your responses - I'll be honest, I've just got home and haven't had a chance to read them all. I got up to about page 10!! I'm enjoying that there's a split between people who think she's upset because I'm so beautiful and talented and people who think she's upset because I sing like a banshee on meth haha.
I showed DH the message and he forwarded it to his friend last night. DH spoke to him today and apparently they had a huge row about it (and about some other things) and she left and spent last night somewhere else! I feel awful now for kicking up a fuss and think that maybe I should've just ignored it. BUT, I'm also somewhat glad that they spoke because there were clearly some other issues going on too.

OP posts:
Barmychick · 07/06/2021 19:28

Do you know crazy when you see it lady?!😬

Brademajo · 07/06/2021 19:28

Reply that no-one would have noticed anyone else in the room as she looked stunning...
Then be 'friendly' to her but always politely decline any opportunity where you may be in the same room. I suspect she is totally insecure/jealous/batshit

Killahangilion · 07/06/2021 19:30

I’d have been beyond grateful as I’d always opt for live music over a Spotify playlist. When we have friends round, it’s great when there’s an impromptu music session.

“Stealing the limelight” surely implies that the OP and her DH must have been really good? If you had really bad ‘club style’ performers, the guests wouldn’t have paid them much attention so that seems unlikely to be the case here.

Anyone that wants to control the whole wedding experience to that extent is clearly an unhappy person. I don’t think she’s really interested in the idea of a marriage partnership either, if she doesn’t trust the groom to make a last minute substitution without getting shitty about it.

I’d ignore the text and wait for news of the separation.
Maybe 24 months tops?

BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 19:30

Eek! Don't feel bad, like you say there's clearly issues.

Scottishskifun · 07/06/2021 19:34

It sounds like she couldn't take her anger out on the band so aimed it at you instead!!!!

Glad her DH pulled her up on it hopefully she will send an apologetic text or big fat off present to you for being so bloody unreasonable!

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 07/06/2021 19:34

Well, she accused you of making her wedding all about you and now it seems you've managed to make the last few days all about you too. Hmm
I'm firmly in the camp that I can't think of anything worse than a non-professional singer deciding they're going to do backing vocals at my wedding. I find it hilarious that you and your DH thought that was appropriate.
To then decide that you can't possibly ignore her message or send a magnanimous response but instead have to involve your DH and her DH in the middle of it all... Grin thanks for the laughs OP. She may have been a controlling bride but my goodness you're a nightmare guest.

Benjispruce3 · 07/06/2021 19:40

She’s crazy. I’d ignore and get your DH to deal with the groom.

MidsummerMimi · 07/06/2021 19:45

I would contact all the other guests from the wedding, tell them exactly what happened and innocently ask for their advice. I would explain the whole situation with photos as well on your social media, going into good detail about her reaction. I certainly would not hold back on giving identifying information.

Do this only if you want to be seen as an even bigger loon than the bride and make everyone think she must have been right.

Completely fair point.
I accept, that may be a bit extreme.
But this horrible woman may become “part “of the OP’s life.
The DHs are best friends and I get the impression that both couples live near each other, so it may be practically difficult to never see her or speak to her again.
Because of this, I personally would assert myself and set a standard for how I would want to treated.Maybe a direct chat with her.
If she could not handle this reasonably and never spoke to me again, no big loss.
But to have my voice silenced or to apologise for a kind act, would hurt me more than her actions.
There will always be bullies and tyrants and overbearing people, and it can be hard to step up, speak out and stand up for yourself and others, but the alternative is worse.