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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we did a nice thing?!

503 replies

WeddingSingers · 06/06/2021 20:08

NC because this is very outing.

About two weeks ago, DH and I attended a wedding where DH was the Best Man. The bride went a little bit "bridezilla" in the build-up to the wedding - including quite a big argument where she was insisting to her DH that the bride should get a veto on any wedding decision and was insisting that she got to choose the suits). We're not in the UK so Covid restrictions were different so around 100 people in attendance.

On the day, the band contacted the couple to say that there was some issue (it was illness related but not sure if it was Covid) and they couldn't be there. DH is a musician with an audio background - he spoke to the Groom offered to sing and play guitar for their first dance and a few other pieces. I also sometimes sing with DH (I'm not a professional singer) so I did some backing vocals for the songs. I thought it was quite nice and went quite well all things considered - it was also quite a lot of stress to try and sort out on the day of the wedding to go home and get kit and get things set up without anyone really being aware or missing any part of the day.

I've just been messaged by the Bride today to say that she's really hurt that I made "her day" all about me "by stealing the limelight". I also wore white shoes (with a navy dress) and she's said it was "totally inappropriate and really nasty". I feel like this is completely absurd - I only sang the backing vocals and, of course, all eyes would've been on her! I understand not wearing white to a wedding but I feel like it's just my shoes - am I wrong here?

Should I apologise just to keep the peace and prevent anything being awkward with DH and his best mate? Should I ignore entirely? Should I respond and defend myself? Or was I in the wrong and should I apologise?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
MaMelon · 07/06/2021 16:50

But it was not the OP’s fault and it was rude to criticise her or her shoes

Exactly.

Volcanoexplorer · 07/06/2021 16:57

You did a really kind and generous thing. The bride is totally crazy. I would pass the message on to the groom and let him deal with her. DO NOT apologise just to keep the peace. You are not in the wrong here at all!

Yellowhighheels · 07/06/2021 17:12

MissinginActon yep, I definitely take your point but would have said that should have been the groom's job before he accepted the offer.

Either way, I don't think her message was proportionate or within the bounds of acceptability. To take the OP at face value, all they did was sing a couple of songs when the couple were let down by the entertainment.

MissingInActon · 07/06/2021 17:21

@Yellowhighheels

MissinginActon yep, I definitely take your point but would have said that should have been the groom's job before he accepted the offer.

Either way, I don't think her message was proportionate or within the bounds of acceptability. To take the OP at face value, all they did was sing a couple of songs when the couple were let down by the entertainment.

Yeah, she was rude and spiteful, and - unless the OP has form for hogging the limelight - has misdirected her anger, no argument. But I don't think she was at all unreasonable to be upset, and I really question how well many of the people here would take it if it were their wedding.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/06/2021 17:23

@RaspberryCoulis

Impossible to be "left with no music at all" when every guest has a smartphone.

Much preferable to have your favourite track played through the speakers from your phone than your well-meaning pal and his missus thinking they're on the X-factor.

That's rather judgemental.

I'm assuming the groom wouldn't have agreed if they hadn't been good.

MaMelon · 07/06/2021 17:25

But I don't think she was at all unreasonable to be upset, and I really question how well many of the people here would take it if it were their wedding

It’s fine to be disappointed but her reaction is rude and somewhat OTT. It happened, they all had a lovely day (presumably) and she’s married to the man she adores - what on earth is to be gained by hurling insults at someone who tried to help? Focus on the marriage, not the wedding.

ursula2468 · 07/06/2021 17:25

What a lunatic! Text her back with a 'you're most welcome' then
I would make up the spare bed for the groom. That marriage isn't lasting the summer.

Margerine78 · 07/06/2021 17:30

OP, my sister had a similar meltdown as my niece who was about 12 at the time (so most definitely NOT the bride) worse a cream non-at-all-wedding-dress-like dress to her wedding reception which was actually 6 months post-wedding day as my sister got married abroad than had a family party month's later in UK - so in fact my niece wore cream to a family piss-up essentially NOT even a wedding really.

I'm telling this story as my sister is a classic narcissist - goes mental if she thinks she's upstaged (which she thinks she's always being as she's hypersensitive and bat shit). Sounds like the bride might be like her and there's no reasoning with such people. Anyone that gets that mad about shoes and can't see that what you did by performing was a kind thing has the issue not you.

Insanelysilver · 07/06/2021 17:30

I could understand her being put out if your dress was white or mostly white instead of navy with white shoes. Who cares about the colour of shoes.
Maybe you looked really nice standing up there singing or you have amazing stage presence and people were looking at you rather than her.
Not your fault though if you’ve just got the X factor lol

peppermintpat · 07/06/2021 17:31

Absolutely make sure your husband forwards this message onto her husband and ask him WTAF!! Let him sort her out and do not, not, not respond to this message yourself.

I hope you get a follow up email apologising for her downright nasty comments and rudeness. If you don't, blocked the CF.

Nickysmadhouse · 07/06/2021 17:32

Ahhhhh i got married a week ago last Saturday and had you posted before i would have had you sing a few songs via zoom for us.
Sod her! And belt out a tune i say 😘

Localocal · 07/06/2021 17:34

She's completely in the wrong, but I would offer a friendly "don't worry, Bridezilla, no one was looking at me or my shoes with you looking so beautiful on the dancefloor. DH and I just wanted to make sure you and Mr BZ had a special first dance, but I'm sorry if you weren't happy we tried to help out."

She is being horrible, but weddings bring out the horrible in a bride, and it would be a shame for the two husbands if there were a whole rift over it. So I would suck it up, as the person least invested in this wedding, and say a breezy sorry.

Integrity7 · 07/06/2021 17:38

I think the thing is it sounds like she didn't know or agree to it beforehand. Your shoes are up to you. I would message and say this was not your intention and that you were helping out with backing vocals as a favour a you knew they had been let down - but that what you wear is none of her business. Sounds like there is more going on under the surface -perhaps she's afraid the groom fancies you or something? Doesn't bode that well for them as couple though.

isitmeoris · 07/06/2021 17:39

Text back telling her she spelt "thank you" wrong!

Yellowhighheels · 07/06/2021 17:42

I get what you mean, missinginnaction The bride had probably wanted all eyes on her, for good or bad, and straight after the first dances there would have most likely been a round of applause for the OP and DH, and comments like 'good on them for stepping in, wasn't that a lovely performance?' etc.

Just a shame she couldn't take that on the chin and see the upsides- being married to a man she loves, a nice wedding day and good friends willing to help out.

Poppingmad123 · 07/06/2021 17:43

Sometimes you just have to play these crazies at their own game. I would forward the message to your DH and the groom and state how upset this has made you feel after all the effort you went to and let them deal with it. That way her nastyness is out in the open (even more so) and you don’t have to speak to her (& can easily drop her) as you are just too upset & deeply hurt 🤣 Of course she’s batshit but she clearly loves the drama. Then if it turns out it’s the grooms fault for not keeping her in the loop, then it’s for him to apologise. No way is this on you.

Cameron2012 · 07/06/2021 17:44

@RedcurrantPuff

Tell her to fuck off. People only get away with being such twats in the first place because no one ever stands up to them. I wouldn’t worry too much about upsetting the OH, the marriage probably won’t last anyway.
Yes, this is the only acceptable response in my opinion.
jwpetal · 07/06/2021 17:44

Let the groom sort this out. In regards to the shoes, that is hilarious. She is trying a way to attack you and in very backward thinking, is trying to get your inner critic in over drive that you wore the wrong shoes. to get you to feel bad. Don't fall for it! you and your dh did an amazing job and be proud of what you did helping a friend. She sounds really sad and I wish the married couple all the luck.

Bertiebiscuit · 07/06/2021 17:47

How are you friends with this crazy b*tch - really don't be any more - what a horrible way to treat you - and your husband, and her groom, since he arranged this - she's a nightmare - RUN AWAY FROM HER FAST AND NEVER LOOK BACK

BarbarianMum · 07/06/2021 17:48

@Ifimight

The only words out of her mouth should have been "thank you".
^^This!
Jzpap · 07/06/2021 17:50

I’m guessing it was all a bit of a surprise/shock for her that the plans changed and she wasn’t consulted. She’s a control freak and she didn’t have control over you and your husband as everything was arranged last minute so she went a bit bonkers. You don’t need her in your life so cut and run while you can.

chocatoo · 07/06/2021 17:50

No good deed goes unpunished!!!!!

anon666 · 07/06/2021 17:51

Just ignore and move on. She's totally bridezilla and it's gone to her head.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 07/06/2021 17:52

I really question how well many of the people here would take it if it were their wedding.

Anybody who obsessively micromanages a wedding has lost the plot. A wedding reception is a party to celebrate the start of a marriage. Sometimes party arrangements go wrong. Very few people will know, care or remember. What actually matters about a wedding is it's the start of a legal relationship between two people. It bodes very ill for the underlying relationship that all the bride can think about two weeks after the wedding is this one relatively trivial detail about the reception. Her comment about the shoes is just weird.

I've been married nearly 40 years and fortunately it was before weddings became big business. I can barely remember what happened at our reception, and if I can't I don't imagine anybody else can either.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/06/2021 17:55

Basically translates to she is jealous of you.