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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we did a nice thing?!

503 replies

WeddingSingers · 06/06/2021 20:08

NC because this is very outing.

About two weeks ago, DH and I attended a wedding where DH was the Best Man. The bride went a little bit "bridezilla" in the build-up to the wedding - including quite a big argument where she was insisting to her DH that the bride should get a veto on any wedding decision and was insisting that she got to choose the suits). We're not in the UK so Covid restrictions were different so around 100 people in attendance.

On the day, the band contacted the couple to say that there was some issue (it was illness related but not sure if it was Covid) and they couldn't be there. DH is a musician with an audio background - he spoke to the Groom offered to sing and play guitar for their first dance and a few other pieces. I also sometimes sing with DH (I'm not a professional singer) so I did some backing vocals for the songs. I thought it was quite nice and went quite well all things considered - it was also quite a lot of stress to try and sort out on the day of the wedding to go home and get kit and get things set up without anyone really being aware or missing any part of the day.

I've just been messaged by the Bride today to say that she's really hurt that I made "her day" all about me "by stealing the limelight". I also wore white shoes (with a navy dress) and she's said it was "totally inappropriate and really nasty". I feel like this is completely absurd - I only sang the backing vocals and, of course, all eyes would've been on her! I understand not wearing white to a wedding but I feel like it's just my shoes - am I wrong here?

Should I apologise just to keep the peace and prevent anything being awkward with DH and his best mate? Should I ignore entirely? Should I respond and defend myself? Or was I in the wrong and should I apologise?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 14:16

@RaspberryCoulis

No I'm not the bride - i've been married more than 20 years. Grin

But the OP clearly thinks she did a "nice thing". That's subjective. The bride clearly thinks she did an attention-seeking thing. We have no idea what the rest of the guests thought.

But come on. We've all seen enough performances by "not professional" musicians to know that many of them are crap. So why the automatic assumption that the OP and her DH were amazing and saved the day?

Yes but the bride also thinks the shoes were an affront to her nuptials. Clearly the bride is a loon. The bride also appears not to have a problem with the guitarist, or indeed with the quality of the performance, because she didn't criticise those. And she clearly wanted to criticise!

Why the assumption? Because most of us would lose our minds if we got a call from the band on the day to pull out. If a musical couple in the guest list offer to step in, why would anyone not think that's a nice thing to do? Why so spiteful about it? Would you complain if the caterers had pulled out and a caterer guest pulled whatever they could out of a hat on the day so guests could eat?

If she didn't like not being consulted, that's between her and her lucky husband. It's not a personal failing from OP.

IsabelleSE19 · 07/06/2021 14:17

Sounds like the bride is struggling with the wedding being over and her no longer being the centre of attention.

Surely this is the perfect occasion to roll out the MN classic: 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

MisdemeanourOnTheFloor · 07/06/2021 14:21

You did a lovely thing. I suspect she's projecting her original anger& disappointment onto you. It's actually amazing how often this happens if you look for it.
I'd ignore in this instance, but if this were a relationship I valued, I'd just ask them why on earth I'd do anything to intentionally upset them on your wedding day.
When you put the accusation back to people like that, they often run out of steam because they can't come up with a reason (that doesn't make them sound ridiculous).
Give them a wide berth in the future! This is not normal behaviour!

Chocolatehamper · 07/06/2021 14:23

@SleepingLikeALog

I would get your DH to forward the message to the groom along with a brief message along the lines of "I'm not sure how to reply to this." Then let the groom sort her out.
Exactly this. His circus, his monkey.
MaMelon · 07/06/2021 14:29

Oh my Grin Yeah, she a crazy lady.

Unless you sang 'smack my bitch up' or 'black heart' or something - in which case she might have a point.

Ambo21 · 07/06/2021 14:34

Ignore her.
Bad behaviour should not be rewarded with attention.
Condolences to her husband though.

Yellowhighheels · 07/06/2021 14:36

**RaspberryCoulis

No I'm not the bride - i've been married more than 20 years. grin

But the OP clearly thinks she did a "nice thing". That's subjective. The bride clearly thinks she did an attention-seeking thing. We have no idea what the rest of the guests thought.

But come on. We've all seen enough performances by "not professional" musicians to know that many of them are crap. So why the automatic assumption that the OP and her DH were amazing and saved the day?**

If the OP's DH is a musician and they sing together regularly then I would expect they were serviceable at least. I don't think this is about the quality of the performance but even if they weren't great, the groom arranged it and it was a nice gesture of friends pulling together at the 11th hour. Sounds like they only did a few songs so not like they were on all night. The message was uncalled for however good or bad they were.

MissingInActon · 07/06/2021 14:36

The bride also appears not to have a problem with the guitarist, or indeed with the quality of the performance, because she didn't criticise those. And she clearly wanted to criticise!

Actually, we don't know that. Maybe OP's DH has had a similar text about his singing this morning (though at least his outfit will have been acceptable, because the bride chose it herself).

I would have voted yanbu at the beginning, but the more I think about it I think yabu, OP. It would have been one thing if it was a chilled out gathering and the B&G were getting married barefoot in the garden with daisy chains made by young relatives in their hair, but you knew already that she had fixed ideas about how she wanted her 'big day' to go and would want to be consulted. I can't abide these rigid performative weddings personally, but lots of people do (including lots of people here, I expect). I don't know what any of you were thinking tbh.

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 14:39

Actually, we don't know that. Maybe OP's DH has had a similar text about his singing this morning

And OP chose not to mention it?

Ok. OP, did your husband get a message panning his performance?

Yellowhighheels · 07/06/2021 14:40

Missinginacton but it sounds like it was as close to the original plan of a live band as they were going to get at that late notice so I see it as them actually trying to keep to the format to some extent, not just taking it upon themselves to start an ad hoc sing song, which would have been suited to a more chilled day.

aiwblam · 07/06/2021 14:47

You know what, OP, I’d reply “fuck off you ungrateful bitch”

The reason for this is not that I’m juvenile or impulsive (and I’m not generally rude to people), it’s that I’m probably a lot older than you and have had my fill of cheeky pisstakers. I’ve learnt that some people always find fault and make up drama. This woman is clearly that type of person.

I understand that your husband and this guy are best mates, but no good can come of drawing them into this bitchy text from her.

If you apologise, you give her the green light to treat you like shit forever (as your husbands are mates) and she won’t think twice the next time she wants to send a rude text to someone or stamp her feet like a spoilt 3yo.

By the way, when I was younger, I would have apologised in your position and done my best to keep the peace and be friendly. But - I have seen enough of life to know that this would be a gigantic mistake. You let things go and people will continue to mistreat you. You should seriously consider writing “fuck off you ungrateful bitch” showing her that you won’t be messed with. Otherwise, prepare to spend your life getting messed with, as I have.

AnneKipanki · 07/06/2021 14:54

We all know it was 'The Beautiful South ' medley that did it ... not the white shoes.

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 14:56

@AnneKipanki

We all know it was 'The Beautiful South ' medley that did it ... not the white shoes.
Don't marry her, fuck me...

They could be black, they could be white, tell me what's knocking on the knocking shop door tonight...

Well then I'll sail this ship alone...

I wrote so many songs about you, I forgot your name...

MadeForThis · 07/06/2021 15:03

Wow!

Hawkins001 · 07/06/2021 15:11

A thank you should of been in order, plus how did you steal the day when your the music ? Unless people seemed more impressed with the music and that's what's annoyed the bride ?

HermioneKipper · 07/06/2021 15:17

Total dick. I’d text back, you’re welcome. We usually charge £1000 for our set but for you we’ll offer £500. Look forward to receiving the cheque

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 15:20

She'd probably sent the band mad with her antics and demands, and they cancelled.

MissingInActon · 07/06/2021 15:36

@DrSbaitso

She may not know. Perhaps both she and her DH are at work and don't have the opportunity or inclination to be in touch with each other during the working day. If they did, she'd probably be discussing this with him, not us, tbf.

@Yellowhighheels

Sure, but why not ask the bride if that's what she wants first? Does anything the OP has said make her sound like a woman who would appreciate surprises? At her wedding?

rwalker · 07/06/2021 15:41

No reply and silence is best what ever you say you would never win.
And the no reply would piss her off more .

Like others said get DH to deal with his mate

IntermittentParps · 07/06/2021 15:47

Perhaps both she and her DH are at work and don't have the opportunity or inclination to be in touch with each other during the working day.

It's been two weeks!

Atalantea · 07/06/2021 15:57

What did you reply?

MissingInActon · 07/06/2021 16:02

@IntermittentParps

Perhaps both she and her DH are at work and don't have the opportunity or inclination to be in touch with each other during the working day.

It's been two weeks!

Huh? The wedding was two weeks ago. She got the text this morning. Confused
GodolphinHorne · 07/06/2021 16:03

@MissingInActon @frumpety

You both beat me to it… my first thought was Nicola Walker in the Frightful Folk Duo. Classic.

IntermittentParps · 07/06/2021 16:06

Missing, oh, sorry, you're talking about the OP? I thought you meant the bride and her new DH hadn't discussed how he went about sorting the music. D'oh Grin

ScrollingLeaves · 07/06/2021 16:44

Other posters with the different perspective from the majority have made me think the bride was taken unawares too much and is understandably upset.

But it was not the OP’s fault and it was rude to criticise her or her shoes.

It was the husbands who did it.