Do I stop DDs swimming lessons?

[StopTheSwim]

She’s 6, almost 7 (school year 2 if it's relevant)

Still in stage 1. All her friends are on stage 3 or 4, a few are on stage 6 and about to stop completely.

DD absolutely loves swimming, has completed most of stage 1 and is ready for stage 2 but she will not put her head in the water for backstroke.

She’s the same in the bath at home, she also doesn’t like her hair being washed.

I’ve taken her swimming myself and shown her, we’ve tried practising in the bath, ExH has encouraged her in the paddling pool in his garden but she just won’t put her head in the water. ExH says she won’t shower at his house either (he only has a shower no bath – he only has her EOW for 1 night so we work around it).

She hates having her hair washed too that I literally only do it once a week after swimming because I have to pin her down to do it. And I hate it.

She’s had 1-1 lessons this week over half term due to no-one else in her class turning up, teacher in the water with her and she still wouldn’t put her head in the water. Everything else she’s mastered.

She just freezes with her neck above the water and won’t move it. I’m getting frustrated that I’m paying for her to be in Stage 1 when she’s ready for 2 or maybe even 3, the teachers getting frustrated that she’s ready to move on, I think even poor DD wishes she could do it and move up to the next group.

I’m paying roughly £6 a lesson so while it’s not hugely expensive, it is frustrating.

For added context DD has some medical issues. A joint condition that is greatly improved both pain wise and with strengthening the joints by swimming and that’s why I’ve held out for so long. She’s suspected dyslexic too.

She’s absolutely fine putting her face in the water as long as she has goggles on and covid rules means she’s wearing a swimming hat but it’s not improved her doing backstroke.

I feel torn as it has such great benefits to her medically and currently you can’t book a none swimming lesson due to covid rules so it could be awhile before I can take her myself which is also stopping me and as I said every other part of swimming she absolutely loves.

So AIBU to stop the lessons?

YANBU - Stop the lessons
YABU - Let her carry on

Have you talked to her about why she's scared and what does she say? If she doesn't mind getting her face wet can she bend forwards to wash her hair in the shower? Or maybe she has ideas of how she can manage it a different way. When I was a child I would frustrate my mum to no end not wanting to rinse my hair in the shower. I wanted to do it bit by bit from the bottom up and she wanted me to do it top down. I found it really scary having the water running over my face. Maybe there is a way she could be more comfortable to do backstroke but she doesn't know how to say. I was also quite scared of swimming and it wasn't until I was left alone in the pool with other kids that I got it and then loved it, went on to swimming squad. So maybe just a bit of space to play in the pool and explore the water on her own terms might help, obviously when normal swimming is resumed for your pool.

Oh God, I was that child. Absolutely terrified. Still don't like face getting wet (other than washing, obv!)

I am not condoning or recommending this for one moment, but the ONLY thing that got me past this was the teacher in the pool ducking me. Realising I came back up again quickly and was able to breathe again speedily seemed to make the difference.

Not sure what to suggest for your child and this dilemma though, sorry. Good luck with it.

Try to narrow it down, then - is it the water in her ears, the feeling of water coming over the edges of her face?
It might be worth experimenting in the bath if she can't articulate it in words. Let her try just putting the very back of her head in, and then progress from there if that's ok.

R u anywhere near a bpl centre 24 per month and great xx

A lot of people mention, as adults, how silly they feel that they were scared of something in the water or pool as a young child. Is it possible it has something to do with not being able to see a source of water behind her, or being able to see when in water (as maybe she has to shut her eyes to wash her hair)? Maybe she’s seen part of a scary movie she shouldn’t have? (Another common problem - people as children seeing part of a scary movie they know they’d be in trouble for seeing so not wanting to tell their parents, but then being afraid; or maybe even a normal movie scared her). For example, I think there’s a terrifying scene in a shower/bath in the new IT movie (I won’t even watch horror movies because the scenes stay with me so I’ve not even seen it; my husband mentioned it). But maybe she’s afraid of something, either related to getting hurt somehow, from her joint condition, or something “in the water” (I’m sure many MANY posters can admit they had fears of things in the water at one point or another).

Another thing that really helped us OP was getting a back garden pool. It's only a really small, inflatable one but deep enough that DS could practise putting his face under and getting in the correct position to swim. Obviously it wouldn't be big enough to really get good at swimming but it was lots of fun and because we were practising/bribing every day it really, really made a huge difference. DS was then getting much more out of his lessons as he could actually follow instructions.

Also, although it's important to keep trying and keep her in the water so she gains in confidence I wouldn't overly stress. My eldest is in year 5 and although a minority there are a few in their class who still can't swim. I'm not suggesting this is a good thing but I think generally as long as they manage to swim confidentally by the end of primary it's all good. (Beyond that stage they start to go swimming with their mates or on school trips and it's assumed they can swim and might be dangerous if they can't).

Persist. Children need to swim well.

@HandfulofDust

Another thing that really helped us OP was getting a back garden pool. It's only a really small, inflatable one but deep enough that DS could practise putting his face under and getting in the correct position to swim. Obviously it wouldn't be big enough to really get good at swimming but it was lots of fun and because we were practising/bribing every day it really, really made a huge difference. DS was then getting much more out of his lessons as he could actually follow instructions.

I have no garden or I would get her one.

ExH has a garden and a paddling pool and does practice with her but he only has her EOW for 1 night so not long enough really for it to make a difference.

I would go for a private lesson, even less frequently, they will be able to tailor to what your dd needs.

I agree with those who say that give she enjoys it and it is good for her condition, you shouldn’t ditch it until you can go swimming with her outside of lessons.

Maybe think of the cost as a £6 hydro-therapy session to make it seem less like something she needs to make progress in in the swim-England prescribed way?

@EugeniaGrace

I agree with those who say that give she enjoys it and it is good for her condition, you shouldn’t ditch it until you can go swimming with her outside of lessons.

Maybe think of the cost as a £6 hydro-therapy session to make it seem less like something she needs to make progress in in the swim-England prescribed way?

Never thought of it like that thank you, I will still try and call and speak to the teacher tomorrow as I am concerned about her progress but might phrase it like that.

Honestly, she doesn't need to learn back stroke. It's unhelpful and discouraging for her if the lessons are so rigid she can't progress without it. It's just one style of swimming and she might excel at another. I would speak to her instructor and see if they can be a bit more flexible for her.

I could never get the hang of back stroke when I was a child either. I'm dyspraxic which may be why. I didn't like not being able to see the direction I was going and I think I struggled to get onto my back in the first place. Like your daughter I also had issues with getting my head wet. Hair washing was an ordeal and I never learnt to swim with my face in the water. In the end my parents put me in one-to-one lessons and I learnt to do a butterfly stroke with my head above water. So I'm no great swimmer but at least I could hold my own in still water if I had to.

My DS(10) is also hypermobile and adores swimming, but does it horribly. I once had the life guard almost leap in to save him, when he was happily swimming along.
It is the only form of exercise he really enjoys, and the worst aspect of lockdown was not being able to swim.
If I were in your position, I wouldn't dream of stopping the lessons till public swims are an option. Maybe make it clear to the instructor you don't want them pressuring her to do what she doesn't want to, and just see it as physio that she is enjoying.
(Incidentally, I've found with my three that often taking the pressure off makes it easier for them to progress, but it can't be guaranteed).

It may be possible to go up gradings without doing some of the things they ask. That's fine from a health point of view but not a safety point of view. Someone may be a great swimmer, but if they won't get their hair wet, or jump in or put their face under, then will they actually be able to get over the shock of falling in any water to be able to swim. Once panic sets in everything becomes very different.

At least in my area public swims are available but you have to book in advance and I think you're restricted to remaining in your household group in a section of the pool.

My DD likes lying on her back in the bath to make her hair flow out so she feels like a mermaid. She also likes watching videos of other children swimming on YouTube. Just a couple of ideas, good luck!

Have a look at this school. They do Alexander technique as do some other schools. At Aqua-Vie, the instructor goes in the pool with the children and will slowly teach them techniques including back floating. It’s is far more expensive than what your dd is doing as the groups are very small - 5 or 6 depending on the needs of the children.

I think this type of lessons with no certificates to obtain would benefit your dd much more. Perhaps you live near one of the locations?

If not, maybe you could Google Alexander technique back floating etc and practice with your dd at the pool.

www.aqua-vie.com/alexander-technique

I wouldn’t get too hung up on the level. My 4yo was in stage 1 for ages despite being able to swim a width because the teachers didn’t want to put her up with the bigger kids when she was still quite little. She was pushed in stage 1 and was still learning despite their being kids in her class that were still at the very beginning. It takes quite a good teacher to be able to differentiate massively though.

My dd1 really struggled with this, we went for almost private lesson ( v small groups 3-4 children) .

The teacher spent as much time desensitising as swimming , she got them splashing getting water on her then her doing the same, she had watering cans that they would pour over her head and vice versa, could you get in the bath with dd( no bubbles) and try a few games?

I’m obviously the mean parent but I’d stop it.

And I’d tell her why (in a nice way) why and tell her when she’s ready we can start again.

A year with no progress is ridiculous for any activity.

Have they said what it is that they’re keeping her in stage 1 for? Assuming you are in the UK, they only need to “move” (not swim) backwards, they can do that in an upright position if they want! What they are required to be flat on their back for is a push off and a flat on back to standing. And I would never have kept a child back for not being completely flat! How raised is her head?

I stopped ds swimming lessons when he was 5 as he hated swimming on his back. He'd get really upset when he had to try and I found the teachers to be quite mean about it! We'll try again when he's a bit older.

Can you persuade the swimming instructor that she could skip backstroke - ie carry on, move up a level or two if that's appropriate for her other strokes, and then when the class is doing work on backstroke, she just does one of the other strokes. Try backstroke again in a year or two.

(My DD has very hypermobile hips, which makes breaststroke very difficult; when she had ticks by everything for her level except breaststroke, I pointed out that if they were holding her in that class until her breaststroke got better, it might never happen.)