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To be so jealous of my brother's fiancee?

124 replies

mittenwalker · 06/06/2021 19:46

First of all, I know I'm being completely U. I'm not expecting advice, I just need to vent somewhere because this is how I'm feeling and I can't help it. I have no ill feelings toward's my brother or his fiancee themselves, she is absolutely lovely and I would never be funny with them in real life.

I'm 23, and have never had a long term relationship. The odd flings, but nothing ever lasted. It saddens me as I'd love to just settle down. I'm saving up for my own property but haven't got a cat in hell's chance without a partner. I'd love to get married and have children. I have endometriosis and while it doesn't mean I can't have kids, there's a pretty decent chance I will struggle. It terrifies me. I've always just been drawn to the 'white picket fence' life and I'd be gutted if I could never find a partner and/or struggled to have children. I've always been very close to my mum, I literally tell her everything. I have friends but she is absolutely my best friend.

My brother is 25 and his girlfriend is the same age as me. They have been together 4 years and seem to have it all. She got help from her parents for a deposit, and they have a gorgeous little house. They recently got engaged and are planning a big white wedding once Covid has properly been sorted. Their son is 4 months old. I've always thought "lucky them" a bit, with their stable relationship and the house. But it never really affected me. But the pregnancy announcement gutted me. I remember seeing the text in the family groupchat and sending a lovely excited text back, and then crying my eyes out. That is what I wanted for me. I remember being relived that Covid was a thing because I was able to have my reaction to the news privately. I just felt horrendously jealous whenever I saw a scan picture etc. I wanted (and still want) their life.

Something that I've really struggled with though, is the new closeness between my brother's fiancee and my mum. My mum was so excited during the pregnancy about her perfect first grandchild. Going on to my brother's girlfriend how much she loved her and how she was properly part of the family now etc. It got worse after my nephew was born. I adore my nephew and have loved when I've been invited round for a cuddle but it's the family dynamic that seems to bother me. It seems to be my mum's relationship with my brother's fiancee which is the trigger specifically. As when I've been invited round to see the baby and just my brother and his fiancee are there, I'm fine and just enjoy spending time with them and the baby.

We all live within a fairly small vicinity of each other and a few times I've seen my mum and my brother's fiancee out with the pram. We all went round a few days after baby was born and my mum was all over the baby and fussing over my brother's fiancee, and I was so envious because I'd imagined all of this with me. My mum being adoring of my future baby, us out on walks with the pram together etc. And I know I may have that in the future, but I feel like there is something extra special about the first grandchild and I feel like my sister's fiancee has stolen it from me. I know that's completely irrational because nobody has 'the right' to have the first grandchild, but I still feel those emotions. I feel so guilty for it because my brother's fiancee really is lovely but I'm just so bitter. My mum has even started referring to my brother's fiancee as her daughter since the baby which doesn't help. I'm her daughter. My brother's fiancee has her own mum who is also adoring of her baby and makes a fuss over her. My parent's aren't together and my dad lives 200 miles away but he'll be coming up soon to see the baby and I think that will also upset me.

I just keep telling myself that yes, the first grandchild is extra special. But there is also something extra special about when your own daughter specifically has a baby and that that is something I'll get with my mum. But then I start thinking about how I've never had a partner and my endometriosis and just become convinced I'll end up a bitter old hag watching my brother's fiancee live out the life I wanted, and me fading into irrelevancy in my mum's eyes. I feel so horrible. I have visions of my mum going "Oh yeah, my daughter is infertile/never found somebody to have kids with but it's okay because I have my daughter in law!" and it really breaks my heart.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/06/2021 19:50

Have you thought about getting some counselling to help you work through this?

23 is still so young to be so hung up on the whole marriage/kids package. You have years ahead of you!

I appreciate the endometriosis must be painful and is obviously affecting you; what are the options offered by your GP?

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User27392 · 06/06/2021 19:51

Oh love Flowers you’re having a hard time.

I’m absolutely not dismissing how you feel, but you are still so young. I’ve just had my first baby at 33 - and I got no end of lovely, supportive fussing from my mum, even though my baby wasn’t the first grandchild. Grandparents are as excited for the second, third, fourth etc grandchild, believe me!

The world is a hard and lonely place at the moment but please believe me when I say you have time - so much time - for the life you want to fall into place. There is no reason to believe it won’t happen for you.

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BarbarianMum · 06/06/2021 19:53

Love, you are 23. You have a whole life time full of amazing things, love, heart break and sorrow ahead of you. I can see why you feel the things you do but jealousy and competitiveness are such destructive emotions - I'd try really hard not to let them take root if I were you.


It's very hard to predict what will go right and wrong for us in our lives, so chances are the things you think will be a problem wont be, and things you never saw coming will make your rough patches instead. So better to relax and enjoy yourself (though this is easier to advise than do).

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RevolvingPivot · 06/06/2021 19:53

You don't know what your life will be like yet. Please try to enjoy it now. Maybe once you're in your 40s and it hasn't happened then you can give it more thought.

I was the first to have grandkids and my like was never how you're sister in laws is so who knows.

I do understand though and I bet it's hard to escape the conversation about your brother / nephew especially if you all live so close.

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ThursdayWeld · 06/06/2021 19:55

Whoa whoa whoa OP!! Slow down.

Unpack your feelings a bit. Separate them out.

You are wrapping a lot of things up into one, and focusing on your SIL as an outlet.

You are only 23. You seem to have decided a lot of how things "should" be, whether that is realistic or not.

As an aside, everything may not continue to be as rosy as you assume it is. I wonder how your SIL feels about your DM being all over her and her baby all the time?!

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HerMammy · 06/06/2021 19:56

You are only 23!! My middle DD is 23 this year and still at uni, I’d be confused if she thought like this, you’ve years to find a partner and buy a house and have a family, enjoy your youth and freedom.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

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BillMasheen · 06/06/2021 19:58

Crikey OP slow down.

If I could advise the younger me of anything it would be to live a heck of a lot more in my 20s, and don’t Start thinking of settling down till my early 30s at least.

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Laurie01 · 06/06/2021 19:59

You are still so young with your whole life ahead of you, there is plenty of time for partners and kids, I had my first at 28, second at 33. I'm not particularly close to my mum so you have to see your relationship with your mum as a massive positive as not everyone is as lucky. Focus on the positives in your life, not the negatives. Sending you lots of love x

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Lavender201 · 06/06/2021 20:03

I think you need to focus a bit more on finding your soulmate, love of your life, actual life partner- and be picky!

My worry with your focus so heavily on settling down/marriage/house/baby is that you’ll jump to do it with the next man you’re in a serious relationship with, and they won’t be right for you. I’ve seen it happen before.

It is no fun if it’s not with the right person, as endless mumsnet threads attest to.

Focus on meeting the right person first- and that could be 10 or 20 years from now. You deserve someone who is equally as in love and as enthusiastic about parenting and family life as you. You just haven’t met them yet, and that’s okay.

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Bluntness100 · 06/06/2021 20:04

Gosh, you’re the same age as my daughter and I’d be really upset if this was her mind set. Her focus is on work, friends, socialising and yes she has a partner, but certainly not babies.

What else do you have going on in your life? Do you have a job, a career? A busy social life?

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MummytoaMiracle · 06/06/2021 20:04

I used to feel this way when someone announced they were pregnant. I have endometriosis too and PCOS and was told it may never happen

. I was obviously happy for people but would always feel so jealous too. My partner has 2 children already with his ex and as much as I love them I always wondered if I would have a baby eventually. And felt like a failure because I couldn't.

Im now 29 and after being with my partner for 10 years we now have a 4 month old , after letting my feelings go and thinking of, it happens it happens.. It did.

As for the grandchild issue I honestly wouldn't think about this. Should you have a baby it will be just as loved as the other grandchild. My sister has 3 children and my parents were over the moon and so excited when I announced I was pregnant and I still do all the things my sister did with my mum when she had her kids.

As PP's have said your only 23 . Take some time to find the right person, have fun, let go of these feelings , they will pass eventually.

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Lavender201 · 06/06/2021 20:04

I couldn’t have cared less about getting married, until I met the right person and I wanted to marry THEM (if that makes sense).

It’s about the person, not the act of a wedding.

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OneMamaAndHerGirl · 06/06/2021 20:08

Oh OP, that’s awful for you. In all honesty I’d be the same my mom is my world and I would feel immense jealousy in that situation. But listen, you are and always will be your mums daughter and best friend there is no comparison. Could you possibly talk to your mum about this? I think you need some support. You have no idea what it’s like behind closed doors, just because people seem to have the perfect life doesn’t mean they do. Your only 23, I didn’t meet my partner until I was 24, I had a baby by the time I was 25. There’s time yet, and if you can’t carry your own child there are other options. Chin up x

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OneMamaAndHerGirl · 06/06/2021 20:09

@BillMasheen

Crikey OP slow down.

If I could advise the younger me of anything it would be to live a heck of a lot more in my 20s, and don’t Start thinking of settling down till my early 30s at least.

I also agree with this x
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Ilovecaviar · 06/06/2021 20:09

I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. It is very easy to get caught up in ‘your ideal life’ but the reality is you have to adapt and I’m a firm believer in things happening when they are right for you.
23 is way too young to settle down imho. Try to turn it round and look at the positives, you are young, free and single....enjoy it, travel, make the most of your career, take up new hobbies, meet up with friends, go out out. Meeting someone and settling down will happen when it’s right for you. Your mum will have enough love for you all and all grandkids when they arrive. Good luck!

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Ifimight · 06/06/2021 20:11

You're only 23! You've got so much time ahead of you, i know if must be hard to see someone else playing the role that you want and your mum suddenly being all over her - it doesnt mean your mum loves you any less.

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Singlenotsingle · 06/06/2021 20:12

There are so many other things in life to look forward to, and to do, as well as settling down into domesticity. Personally I think 23 is too young, OP. Just think, travel, seeing the world, a career, going out and enjoying yourself - this is what you should be doing at your age. In ten years time you can start worrying about marriage and babies. Plenty of time OP, plenty of time...

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Blacktothepink · 06/06/2021 20:15

You need to get out there and enjoy your freedom op...for all you know your sil might envy you that! Babies can be bloody hard work and a big shock when you have your first.

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InFiveMins · 06/06/2021 20:15

I feel for you OP Flowers and it's natural to be a little jealous and sad - but you are only 23, you are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I agree with another poster - look at the positives you have - you are young free and single with minimal ties - your brother's fiancee is probably a little jealous of you in some ways! It will pass. Speak to your mum and let her know how you feel.

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PurBal · 06/06/2021 20:16

Everyone's life path is slightly different. At 21 I moved abroad with my long term boyfriend (2 years together at the time) we had out own little place sorted and we were discussing my coming off the pill and starting a family. We had an extravagant lifestyle, we would regularly spend £200 on lunch and didn't think twice at spending over £1k going on weekend city break. At 23 I was picking up the pieces of my life after our break up, I had to leave the country and I lost my job, home and all those transient friends. I was living with my parents and struggling to find work. It took my until I was 29 to have the same income I used to have and I've even changed career. But I also reconnected with a guy I was seeing (not exclusively) for 6 months aged 18, we are now married, have a mortgage, and are expecting out first child. I was told I had polycystic ovaries at 21 and that I shouldn't wait until my thirties to have children as my chances of conceiving were low. Fortunately I fell pregnant naturally and am due to give birth just before my 31st birthday. You don't know the path life will take you on, but you're 23, who knows where you'll be next year or in 5 or 10 years. Take care of yourself.

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TooTiredForToday · 06/06/2021 20:16

I do understand where you're coming from but honestly you're over thinking and worrying about things haven't happened and likely won't happen. Try to enjoy each stage of life as you go through it - I know it is trite but you won't ever be happy if you're constantly angling for something else that you think you 'should' be doing.


Keep a close and loving relationship with your mum and do stuff that isn't baby friendly with her while you can - shopping and cocktails, a holiday, or just a late night chatting without having to head home early to put the kids to bed. I'd love to do these things with my mum now I've got kids!

Your mum will almost certainly be over the moon if and when you do get married and have a baby. Honestly. I'm one of 5 and every wedding has been special. I'm pregnant with baby number 3 which is grandchild number TEN for my parents and they are just as excited and spoiling me just as much. ​

You are still so young in the grand scheme of life - don't rush it. I don't feel jealous of your brother's fiancee because I don't think hhaving baby and being engaged at that age is necessarily a good thing. I would rather my own kids were traveling and being wild and free at that age!

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Moonshine11 · 06/06/2021 20:17

I thought I would settle, be married have kids at 25.
Here I am, 32, 2 year old boy and not engaged 😂
What I’m trying to say is, your young, we’ve all thought we’d have something by a certain point but it doesn’t work out that way, doesn’t mean you not going to get it but as everything it takes time.
Enjoy your 20s, they were the best years of my life.
Do you have good friends around you?

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abstractprojection · 06/06/2021 20:19

Agree with other posters that 23 is far to young to be hung up on having a baby, and when you do have one it will be extra special because it will be yours and the new baby

Is the diagnosis fairly recent or have you had a break up or other set back. Has covid effected how things feel with it being harder to met someone or feeling behind or left out.

Just wondering if things are particularly raw right now for you.

I would once you have a better handle on your feeling talk to your mum

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BlueButtercups · 06/06/2021 20:19

I didn't know who I was at 23...

you have so much time .. don't worry about these things 🌸

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Castlepeak · 06/06/2021 20:20

I’d be pretty darn unhappy if my child was already having babies at 23 or 24. I’d keep my mouth shut, but that certainly isn’t how I am raising her.

You are so young and have plenty of time, even with endo. Focus on building your career and financial stability. When you do find a relationship, don’t rush it. Take the time to get to know one another, get married, then think about babies.

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