To be so jealous of my brother's fiancee?
mittenwalker · 06/06/2021 19:46
First of all, I know I'm being completely U. I'm not expecting advice, I just need to vent somewhere because this is how I'm feeling and I can't help it. I have no ill feelings toward's my brother or his fiancee themselves, she is absolutely lovely and I would never be funny with them in real life.
I'm 23, and have never had a long term relationship. The odd flings, but nothing ever lasted. It saddens me as I'd love to just settle down. I'm saving up for my own property but haven't got a cat in hell's chance without a partner. I'd love to get married and have children. I have endometriosis and while it doesn't mean I can't have kids, there's a pretty decent chance I will struggle. It terrifies me. I've always just been drawn to the 'white picket fence' life and I'd be gutted if I could never find a partner and/or struggled to have children. I've always been very close to my mum, I literally tell her everything. I have friends but she is absolutely my best friend.
My brother is 25 and his girlfriend is the same age as me. They have been together 4 years and seem to have it all. She got help from her parents for a deposit, and they have a gorgeous little house. They recently got engaged and are planning a big white wedding once Covid has properly been sorted. Their son is 4 months old. I've always thought "lucky them" a bit, with their stable relationship and the house. But it never really affected me. But the pregnancy announcement gutted me. I remember seeing the text in the family groupchat and sending a lovely excited text back, and then crying my eyes out. That is what I wanted for me. I remember being relived that Covid was a thing because I was able to have my reaction to the news privately. I just felt horrendously jealous whenever I saw a scan picture etc. I wanted (and still want) their life.
Something that I've really struggled with though, is the new closeness between my brother's fiancee and my mum. My mum was so excited during the pregnancy about her perfect first grandchild. Going on to my brother's girlfriend how much she loved her and how she was properly part of the family now etc. It got worse after my nephew was born. I adore my nephew and have loved when I've been invited round for a cuddle but it's the family dynamic that seems to bother me. It seems to be my mum's relationship with my brother's fiancee which is the trigger specifically. As when I've been invited round to see the baby and just my brother and his fiancee are there, I'm fine and just enjoy spending time with them and the baby.
We all live within a fairly small vicinity of each other and a few times I've seen my mum and my brother's fiancee out with the pram. We all went round a few days after baby was born and my mum was all over the baby and fussing over my brother's fiancee, and I was so envious because I'd imagined all of this with me. My mum being adoring of my future baby, us out on walks with the pram together etc. And I know I may have that in the future, but I feel like there is something extra special about the first grandchild and I feel like my sister's fiancee has stolen it from me. I know that's completely irrational because nobody has 'the right' to have the first grandchild, but I still feel those emotions. I feel so guilty for it because my brother's fiancee really is lovely but I'm just so bitter. My mum has even started referring to my brother's fiancee as her daughter since the baby which doesn't help. I'm her daughter. My brother's fiancee has her own mum who is also adoring of her baby and makes a fuss over her. My parent's aren't together and my dad lives 200 miles away but he'll be coming up soon to see the baby and I think that will also upset me.
I just keep telling myself that yes, the first grandchild is extra special. But there is also something extra special about when your own daughter specifically has a baby and that that is something I'll get with my mum. But then I start thinking about how I've never had a partner and my endometriosis and just become convinced I'll end up a bitter old hag watching my brother's fiancee live out the life I wanted, and me fading into irrelevancy in my mum's eyes. I feel so horrible. I have visions of my mum going "Oh yeah, my daughter is infertile/never found somebody to have kids with but it's okay because I have my daughter in law!" and it really breaks my heart.
Keepitcleanplease · 06/06/2021 20:23
Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say your mum will never feel about your brother's wife the way she feels about her own daughter. Not a chance. No matter what you do or don't do. No matter what she does or doesn't do. You are her daughter.
NavigationCentral · 06/06/2021 20:24
I very much recommend CBT or counselling for you. Your thinking isn’t quite right here, but nothing we say will change that. You are feeling that this is the only way to feel. You need to see that it isn’t.
If I looked at your brothers fiancée I’d be terrified that that could be my life. I spent my 20s travelling halfway across the world, getting every higher degree possible till no other higher degree was there, met tons of friends, met spouse at 28, Married at 29, and had son at 31 and daughter at 35. Houses in between with an upsizing move ongoing now. I am now 36.
Would I change my twenties for anything? Absolutely not.
You are So Young
NavigationCentral · 06/06/2021 20:25
Thinking about 16 month old DD. Would I want her to be married and having babies at 23? I shudder to think it. No. No. I hope she will end up not wanting that for herself at 23. But if she did of course she’s have my support.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/06/2021 20:27
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I also really encourage you to get some counselling. Sometimes we all (even people who look to 'have it all') get stuck in negative thought patterns and then it's like a viscous cycle (other might pick up on it and find it hard to be around) and makes everything worse.
Some things I'd point out-
*Having a baby is really fucking hard. It breaks apart your body and your relationship. Your SiL might not ha e the 'perfect' life you think she does.
*the first grandchild is special. And so is the second. And third etc. If you have more than one child do you think youd love your first and not your second? Then why would you think anyone else would? I can understand it if you have 10 older siblings but there are only 2 of you,there is a limit as to how many children you'll both have, and I'm sure that's below the limit on your mums time and resources
*out of all the couples that were together at 23, about 90% of them have now broken up. Most 23 year olds have not had a 'long term' relationship. You're at the age where you're still discovering your own things, let alone what you want out of a relationship with someone else who's going through the same thing. If you had met someone younger, the chances are it wouldn't have worked.
- the average age for a first child is over 30
I know this is a massive cliche but you really do need to understand how your mind works and how to make yourself happy before anyone or anything else can. You need to fill your life with things that make you happy. Plenty of people crave the 'white pocket fence' type life and absolutely hate it when they have it, no matter how much they thought it was what they wanted. You ne
I do understand your feelings honestly. I am someone who isnt great with change and is really close to my mum. When my SiL had a baby it felt really unsettling to me, I saw a much softer side to my mum than I'd seen before and it did feel a bit weird that my mum was fussing over someone else so much. In my case it was probably more a change in dynamic that unsettled me as I wasn't keen on kids at the time.
Fat forward 10 years and my mum is equally as close if not more so to my own child, with one particularly they just seem to click even if she shows no favouritism, I can tell they have a string bond. My sil and brother are divorced, the pressures of having kids were just too much for the relationship and they don't see loads of my mum even though they are still there for the grandkids.
MyMabel · 06/06/2021 20:27
I was in a similar position OP, I was 19/20 when my brother and his wife had a baby and I felt a little bit like this; just a bit jealous of how put together they’re lives were.
I had my first baby, mums second grandchild at 22 and there’s absolutely no telling from here who’s treated ‘extra special’ she has a lovely bond with them all and treats them all very equally.
There’s a first grandchild, like there’s a first baby. Ones been loved longer but they’re all loved equally.
AntiHop · 06/06/2021 20:29
One of my closest friends was married at 21 and had got a foot on the ladder of her preferred career. But her husband turned out to be a complete arsehole and she was unhappy in her work. She got divorced and changed career.
In her late 30s, she met an amazing man, got married and has gorgeous kids. She loves her job.
I've just had my second child age 43.
You have a lot of time.
priya3 · 06/06/2021 20:29
Ok OP, you are absolutely fine. You are only 23! You have so much time. Hardly anyone has a baby at 23 .
When you have your child, as I’m sure you will, it will be every bit as special as your brother’s. Of course it will be! Think about it this way - if you have 4 children, would the second, third and fourth be any less special to you than the first? No. Every baby is as special as the ones who have come before.
Please stop worrying. Enjoy being young - you’ll never get this time again. Everything will be absolutely fine. Don’t you want to travel or anything?
Isaac143 · 06/06/2021 20:30
I wish I was given the advice that some posters have given, when I was 23.
I'm 33 now, and recently I keep thinking what if. I regret not enjoying my 20s and stressing about finding the one and having a baby. I should have built up my confidence, I wish I met more people and was more carefree.
I got to the point where I just gave up and resigned myself to being a cat lady. When I stopped stressing about it, it just happened. However I should have been more choosy. I should have learnt to love myself and known my own self worth. I think I just settled for the first thing.
Enjoy your life! Stop stressing, believe me when I say this, your time will come. Xx
1FootInTheRave · 06/06/2021 20:30
You are 23!! I have shoes the same age!
- You have lots and lots of time to build the life you want.
2. Even if you were 43, bitterness won't benefit you at all.
Look at all the positives in your life and work with them.
NotATreacleTart · 06/06/2021 20:31
I think it is difficult when you imagine a life for yourself and it hasn't happened yet, but you are only 23.
I was diagnosed with endo the year after I got married and like you we worried about being able to even get pregnant. After a lot of medication, including a chemical menopause to give my body a break from the endo and surgery my consultant told me I would definitely need IVF to conceive. We threw out all the contraception and I was pregnant naturally before the month was out.
I think it is lovely that your Mum has welcomed her DIL into your family and I hope that you too are welcomed with open arms into your partner's family when you have one. Your SIL is not a replacement for you, love isn't finite that you run out of it, it has the ability to include everyone. Your Mum will be just as excited about you and your family when that happens.
Concentrate on yourself, comparison is the thief of joy.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/06/2021 20:31
I’m sending some too
But I also think you need to instigate some changes so that you don’t feel like this all the time
It’s no way to live and you are in your prime
Spanglemum · 06/06/2021 20:37
I do feel for you OP, when you know it's going to be hard to conceive it's so awful when everyone around you is having a baby. You don't have the same choices that some people have. I would suggest getting some counseling and getting your life how you want it to be, as it is. No one else can make you happy if you're not happy. Keep saving for a deposit. Things will work out. Your mum hasn't stopped loving you.
Minstrelsgetinmybelly · 06/06/2021 20:37
I completely understand where you are coming from. I always wanted the white picket fence with a husband and kids and use to worry about this when I was 18. I had never been kissed or got close to a boy so it use to really upset up. I saw others in relationships and thought I would never have any of it.
I have a DH now and kids in my 30s and I read something the other day. It was if you could go back to yourself at 18 and only say 3 words would you say. Mine would be “its all ok”
Hind sight is a wonderful thing and I doubt anyone telling me this would make me worry less. I do think it goes in hand with anxiety. Maybe you would benefit from some CBT?
Cowbells · 06/06/2021 20:40
OP, I really sympathise. I recognise your feelings. Feeling ousted from your own family while other people get extra love and attention for having the things you so long for yourself. It is so hard. It's natural to feel as you do but it's an uncomfortable feeling.
As PPs have said - your time will come. You will meet the right person, and you may very well have children. IVF is so advanced now that fertility issues linked to endometriosis could well be dealt with. FWIW, have you had a D&C? A friend was told by NHS that she was infertile due to endo and then went privately for a D&C and conceived soon after.
Meanwhile, you are young and free. Start thinking of all the other things in life you'd like to do - not to ignore your picket fence dream, but if there's anything else lurking that would be easier to do now while you are not tied down then act on it - setting up a business, travelling, doing any training or study, creative projects, even just ticking stuff off a bucket list.
If you are close to your mum, can you have a heart to heart with her and explain how you feel?
YogiBearcub · 06/06/2021 20:44
Hello there, please don't fret at your tender young age! I've just had my first baby a few days before I turned 40, and guess what - it's hard work! You'll soon be looking at the fiancee as she ages 5 years in 5 months and seems to be forever coated in breast milk/cottage cheese/poo and thinking "thank god I'm not her!" Enjoy your youth while you've got it (of course covid doesn't let you appreciate it as much as you should) and be careful about who you settle down with rather than in a rush, it's the most important decision of your life. Better you wait until you're in a relationship with someone mature enough to handle the responsibility of family. It sounds like you and your brother have been brought up to want family very early but I assure you most men aren't ready for commitment before 30.
Imapotato · 06/06/2021 20:45
I know it seems hard, but try not to get too hung up on having a baby. You still have plenty of time to meet someone and have a baby. Most people don’t have kids these days until at least their late 20s (on mumsnet people seem to be over 40!). So you really do have lots of time.
Focus on the here and now. Do what makes you happy, the rest will fall into place in time.
Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2021 20:50
I fear you will look back 20 years from now and have a massive amount of regret for how you spoiled and tarnished your youth with all of these silly worries. You're only 23, fgs. This should be the most carefree time of your life. Enjoy it instead of being swallowed by jealousy.
StoneColdBitch · 06/06/2021 20:50
Plenty of people with endometriosis conceive easily. 60-70% of women with endometriosis conceive naturally:
I don't mean to offend any young mums reading this, but if I knew a 23-year-old who had had a child while unmarried, I'd feel sorry for her. 23 is still so young, and I wouldn't want a baby then, let alone without the legal protection of marriage. Focus on your career and enjoying your life, and you'll likely find that relationships follow.
Nataliafalka · 06/06/2021 20:51
You’re 23. It’s too young to be worrying about settling down. This time is for you, to be yourself, learn about yourself, travel, build your career and to go out and have fun. Please don’t be envious. Your child when it comes will be just as special as all the other grandchildren
The last thing I want for my children is to be settled and having babies at 23. They’ll be just finishing university, starting work and hopefully just living for themselves. I’d genuinely be really upset if that’s the route they chose at that age.
partyatthepalace · 06/06/2021 20:51
Lots of good advice here so just to say what you are experiencing is totally human, so don’t feel bad about it. You are very young so you most likely have lots of time for children event with you condition to allow for. You may well not feel so envious of your sister in law 5 years down the line when she is knackered with two of them.
You don’t say much about what you are doing with your life. Do you know what you would like to do - maybe travel in a while? It might be worth seeing a counsellor to help you process it all but also to think about how you can add in things to make you excited about your own life.
IntoAir · 06/06/2021 20:51
I've been where you are - a sister-in-law completely dominated a family event held to celebrate something significant in my life, and she dominated it by getting overwrought and emotional about her current pregnancy. I was left having to smile and nod while her discussion of her pregnancy dominated things. I was in a situation where I was coming to terms with a kind of infertility.
It was awful.
But you are still young, and you know when you do have a baby, your mother will be absolutely at your side. You are her actual daughter, and I'm sure she won't forget that. Your child will be adored by her.
Something my mother once said - although she quickly covered up the thoughts/doubts behind it - she felt she had to work extra hard with keeping in favour with her daughter in law, in order to have a relationship with my brother's children, in a way that she didn't have to with her own daughters and their children. My mother turned herself inside out to help my not very clever sister in law in a way she never has with her own daughters. Well, we're all competent to actually cope with life (my SiL not so great at that), but also that if she fell out with her DiL, she feared not seeing those grandchildren.
Your mother may feel a bit this way. Just hold to her love for you, and your deep relationship.
good luck with life
CasaBonita · 06/06/2021 20:52
To be fair, your brother and his GF have settled down very young too! I bet they're envious of your carefree life, not being tied to a child. There's a lot to be said for that.
Completely agree with others though, you have years to just enjoy your life before marriage and kids. I think it's rather premature to think that you won't have these things. After all, you're 23 not 43!
fashionablefennel · 06/06/2021 20:52
If anything, I would pity anyone who has a baby at 23 and hasn't had a chance to achieve anything and enjoy the perfect free and selfish life you can only have before you have children.
Make the most of your own life and freedom while you can.
HereIfYouNeedMe · 06/06/2021 20:59
Oh my heart is going out to you lovely, I just want to give you a big hug. I haven't read all of the replies yet as I just wanted to reply to you (so I apologise if this has been said). Honestly, talk to your mum about your feelings. You're so close and she'll completely understand! She'll give you the reassurance you desperately need right now. My sister had the first grandchild and I felt like you do. Then my BIL had one so a first grandchild on both sides! It doesn't last long, I've gone on to have a little boy and all of those feelings have gone. He's just as adored!! You will find your path lovely, enjoy your 20's and having a bit more freedom back xx
BillMasheen · 06/06/2021 21:01
If I looked at your brothers fiancée I’d be terrified that that could be my life. I spent my 20s travelling halfway across the world, ……, met tons of friends, met spouse at 28, Married at 29
This is similar to, what i did TBH. As I mentioned upthread, my only regret is not waiting a bit longer to settle, and not doing more mad shit when I was younger.
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