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To be so jealous of my brother's fiancee?

124 replies

mittenwalker · 06/06/2021 19:46

First of all, I know I'm being completely U. I'm not expecting advice, I just need to vent somewhere because this is how I'm feeling and I can't help it. I have no ill feelings toward's my brother or his fiancee themselves, she is absolutely lovely and I would never be funny with them in real life.

I'm 23, and have never had a long term relationship. The odd flings, but nothing ever lasted. It saddens me as I'd love to just settle down. I'm saving up for my own property but haven't got a cat in hell's chance without a partner. I'd love to get married and have children. I have endometriosis and while it doesn't mean I can't have kids, there's a pretty decent chance I will struggle. It terrifies me. I've always just been drawn to the 'white picket fence' life and I'd be gutted if I could never find a partner and/or struggled to have children. I've always been very close to my mum, I literally tell her everything. I have friends but she is absolutely my best friend.

My brother is 25 and his girlfriend is the same age as me. They have been together 4 years and seem to have it all. She got help from her parents for a deposit, and they have a gorgeous little house. They recently got engaged and are planning a big white wedding once Covid has properly been sorted. Their son is 4 months old. I've always thought "lucky them" a bit, with their stable relationship and the house. But it never really affected me. But the pregnancy announcement gutted me. I remember seeing the text in the family groupchat and sending a lovely excited text back, and then crying my eyes out. That is what I wanted for me. I remember being relived that Covid was a thing because I was able to have my reaction to the news privately. I just felt horrendously jealous whenever I saw a scan picture etc. I wanted (and still want) their life.

Something that I've really struggled with though, is the new closeness between my brother's fiancee and my mum. My mum was so excited during the pregnancy about her perfect first grandchild. Going on to my brother's girlfriend how much she loved her and how she was properly part of the family now etc. It got worse after my nephew was born. I adore my nephew and have loved when I've been invited round for a cuddle but it's the family dynamic that seems to bother me. It seems to be my mum's relationship with my brother's fiancee which is the trigger specifically. As when I've been invited round to see the baby and just my brother and his fiancee are there, I'm fine and just enjoy spending time with them and the baby.

We all live within a fairly small vicinity of each other and a few times I've seen my mum and my brother's fiancee out with the pram. We all went round a few days after baby was born and my mum was all over the baby and fussing over my brother's fiancee, and I was so envious because I'd imagined all of this with me. My mum being adoring of my future baby, us out on walks with the pram together etc. And I know I may have that in the future, but I feel like there is something extra special about the first grandchild and I feel like my sister's fiancee has stolen it from me. I know that's completely irrational because nobody has 'the right' to have the first grandchild, but I still feel those emotions. I feel so guilty for it because my brother's fiancee really is lovely but I'm just so bitter. My mum has even started referring to my brother's fiancee as her daughter since the baby which doesn't help. I'm her daughter. My brother's fiancee has her own mum who is also adoring of her baby and makes a fuss over her. My parent's aren't together and my dad lives 200 miles away but he'll be coming up soon to see the baby and I think that will also upset me.

I just keep telling myself that yes, the first grandchild is extra special. But there is also something extra special about when your own daughter specifically has a baby and that that is something I'll get with my mum. But then I start thinking about how I've never had a partner and my endometriosis and just become convinced I'll end up a bitter old hag watching my brother's fiancee live out the life I wanted, and me fading into irrelevancy in my mum's eyes. I feel so horrible. I have visions of my mum going "Oh yeah, my daughter is infertile/never found somebody to have kids with but it's okay because I have my daughter in law!" and it really breaks my heart.

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Killahangilion · 06/06/2021 21:05

Oh my goodness. You’re still very young and should be looking forward to having lots of fun in your life, not settle down and being saddled with a baby and responsibility.

I was 2 serious relationships away from meeting my future husband at your age and I hadn’t even started my university degree.

How long is since you left school?
10 years ago you were embarking on your teens and you probably thought being 21years old was ancient. You can’t even begin to image what your life might be like in 10/20/30 years time, but it will go like a flash.

Stop wanting everything to happen in the next 6 months. Learn to love your life and look forward to finding out what exciting things the future will bring you. You can’t live your life constantly looking for approval from your mum. You really don’t need it!

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Toomuchtooyoung01 · 06/06/2021 21:09

I had my first baby at 33, please don’t feel like you’re over the hill because honestly you are so young. When I was 23 I was single and backpacking with my best friend. I met OH at 25, which I still consider fairly young!
Enjoy your youth, please don’t spend it fretting when you have literally all the time in the world to settle down (which I’m sure you will, you sound lovely). Whatever you do, don’t settle for some arsehole or rush into getting pregnant etc out of desperation to settle down.
As you are really close to your mum would you feel able to talk through with her how you are feeling recently?

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ncforthispost1 · 06/06/2021 21:09

I totally get you OP. I was 30 when my younger brother (by 3 years) announced his engagement while on holiday with his other half. He was living with me at the time, I was six months split up from who I thought may be my 'one', and his girlfriend - but now fiancé - was due to move in with us after that holiday. I was traumatised and ended up getting so drunk that night with a friend and said friend went missing (found safely the next day)!

Oh and by the way I had my first baby at 38 and a half and this grandchild (not the first) is my mum's bestest friend Grin

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wobblywinelover · 06/06/2021 21:09

Hi OP sorry you're feeling like this, and I can understand why you are feeling the inevitable comparisons to your brothers life. I think what you are feeling is normal considering your anxieties about your endometriosis and I think this is probably the main basis for your anxieties. Ignore all the posters mentioning your age, you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. I remember my own mother responding to my despair when I tried to reach out to her when I was suffering from depression. Her catchphrase with everything was 'You're only 22' implying that I was not allowed to feel any sort of negative emotions at a young age. It was real to me! It's something which has stuck with me for a long time. You are an adult and you are entitled to feel the way you do.

Aside from that, it is still possible to get pregnant having had endometriosis. It can happen for you. I think you need to focus on some new ventures for yourself, with the aim of making yourself happier, whatever it may be. Focussing on being fit, healthy weight etc will be good for your Endo, treating yourself to a new look, haircut, going out with friends, making friends, travelling, whatever makes you happy. Live the best life you can and try and enjoy the sorts of things and freedoms you have which parents don't. Parenting is wonderful but it's not the be all and end all of life. There are so many more things you can experience and do. Don't sit back in the sidelines and shadows of your brother and his partner. You are you and they are them. Their lives may seem picture perfect at the moment, but you never really know how happy they are deep down, or how long it will last. Try not to compare yourself to them. Has your mother had a part to play in this? Is she including you and showing interest in your life too? If she isn't then I would try to distance yourself from her a little bit as this isn't fair on you. You have the opportunity to build a good life for yourself. You won't always feel this way. Stay strong and positive x

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Vikingintraining · 06/06/2021 21:10

I also have endometriosis so I really sympathise with your concerns about that. But other than that, stop fixating on your SIL. She is not doing all of these life events instead of you, she is not taking anything from your life. Stop the comparison.
It is frustrating when you want to live a certain lifestyle and someone else seems to tick the boxes, but what are you doing to help yourself? Are you dating/on dating websites? Are you saving for a deposit? Are you aiming for a career/career progression?
Concentrate on what you can do for yourself. Make some plans, set some goals, work towards something, it will help motivate you.
If/when you have a baby I'm sure your mum will be equally all over you, if not more so! For now, be thankful that you have a close family who get on with each other, what a great support network to help you on your way.

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Lovemusic33 · 06/06/2021 21:12

I settled down when I was 21, I regret it so much, I had kids far too young (although I love them to bits), got married young and I regret not having more fun in my 20’s. I am now divorced and enjoying my single life at the age of 39, I really wish I was 20 again.

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Abouttimemum · 06/06/2021 21:12

I agree with all the PPs. Please don’t worry.
I’m the youngest of all my mum’s daughters, and waited until I was in my late 30s to have a child. She’s been through it so many times already and has all her grandkids, but she still couldn’t be more besotted with my little boy. Same for my Dad. There’s plenty of grandparent love to go around!

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saraclara · 06/06/2021 21:18

Many posters seem to be skating over what I imagine to be the very hurtful bit here.

I think you need to have a gentle word with your mum about her calling your SIL her 'daughter'. Yes, she's excited about the baby, and yes, she's going to want to keep her DIL onside (we know how much power DILs have, from the many threads on here where their MIL's can do nothing right, and come way way behind their own mothers). But I think she needs to know that she's almost sidelining you (or at least that you feel that she is)

Try not to sound childish when you bring it up, but tell her that you miss her, and your closeness. Suggest a day out together?

One of my daughters really missed out over the last year or so. As a widow living alone, I bubbled with my other daughter, son in law and baby GD. It was natural to do so of course, but it meant I saw one daughter at least once a week, and the other barely at all.

Now that we can, the other daughter and I are having a mini-break next month, to spend some quality time together. I'm really looking forward to it, and so is she. Maybe you and your mum could do something like that?

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Oly4 · 06/06/2021 21:20

OP, you possibly need counselling to work through this. Your mum and SIL have done nothing wrong and are doing nothing wrong.
You are feeling very sad for yourself but that’s separate. You are 23, you have at least another decade to find the “one” and have children. Just enjoy your life and see what happens

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ElleDubloo · 06/06/2021 21:21

@Castlepeak

I’d be pretty darn unhappy if my child was already having babies at 23 or 24. I’d keep my mouth shut, but that certainly isn’t how I am raising her.

You are so young and have plenty of time, even with endo. Focus on building your career and financial stability. When you do find a relationship, don’t rush it. Take the time to get to know one another, get married, then think about babies.

This 100%

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 26, and felt similar feelings to yourself. (When I was 26 I met someone who moved quickly and said he wanted to marry me, but then dumped me 2 months after my mum died, because I was “too sad” and it “wasn’t normal” - but that’s an aside!!!) I was 27 when I met my DH and 28 when we married. First child aged 29, second aged 31.

I’m in a career where people tend to have kids in their 30’s and 40’s, so it feels like I did it all quite early.

When it’s right, it happens quickly.

If you’d like a Fairytale life, this is the right order: Build your career first. Meet someone good. Marry him. Then kids.
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Csx99 · 06/06/2021 21:24

It's so so easy to compare yourselves to other people's lives, especially with social media, making everyone think they should have their life completed sorted by 23! 23 is still SO young.

Honestly, she might look at you at times and think "she's so lucky, she hasn't got any commitments, she can live her life freely doing as she pleases."

It's so normal to look at others and want what they have, instead of enjoying your life in the moment.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you, sorry you're feeling so down but your feelings are completely valid Thanks

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Misty84 · 06/06/2021 21:25

Oh OP this is so sad to read and it’s perfectly understandable to feel the way that you do. Like many have said, you are young so just have faith that this is all going to be in your future. Enjoy the child-free, commitment-free life while you can! And along the way you will meet your perfect match 🙂 There is no need to rush.

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HaveringWavering · 06/06/2021 21:29

OP your Mum is probably horrified that your brother knocked his girlfriend up at 22 and is putting a brave face on it.

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3ormorecharacters · 06/06/2021 21:32

I recently had my first baby in my mid 30s. My siblings are a bit older than me and had 3 children each starting in their late 20s. I did worry a bit that if/when I had children everyone would be a bit over it. But even though this was their seventh grandchild, my parents have been so excited about it - and so have my siblings and their children! It's really brought everyone together. So there's nothing wrong with doing things on your own timeline!

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Tubs11 · 06/06/2021 21:33

You are so so young, concentrate on living your life for you and the right person will come along when the time is right

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saraclara · 06/06/2021 21:38

@HaveringWavering

OP your Mum is probably horrified that your brother knocked his girlfriend up at 22 and is putting a brave face on it.

Yep. That could also explain her sucking up to the DIL. She might well think that the relationship might not last.
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GalaxyGirl24 · 06/06/2021 21:40

I remember feeling similar when my sister in law had a baby. I was only 17 at the time though so knew I wouldn't be having a child with my partner (who is now DH) for a good 10 years - which was true, had DD 9 months ago. I felt that I was out of a club of some sorts and was irrationally jealous of them. Probably due to the first grandchild thing and the fuss being made.

I can honestly say you've got so so so much time and you don't know what the future holds. Please enjoy your time and don't hold onto these feelings if at all possible as they'll weigh you down. Your mum will 100% be excited when her daughter has a baby and it'll be a big fuss again with lots of time together.

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Waiting423 · 06/06/2021 21:41

Don’t rush OP - you have so much life in front of you and will have so many chances to meet a life partner and hopefully start a family . Concentrate on widening your horizons , on new interests and meeting new people . I married the wrong person at 24 , didn’t find the right one till 10 years later thinking I’d never have kids - but I do now .

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Osrie · 06/06/2021 21:45

What age was your mum when she started having children? She may actually think, whatever age she was, that 23 is too young. However, she may also be worried about losing out to her first grandchild and feel she has to make an extra fuss because her daughter-in-law’s own mother will naturally get first dibs in everything and she might feel pushed aside if she doesn’t go OTT. You would not believe how competitive and jealous some grandparents feel! So she may actually be struggling within herself and not able to think about how you are being affected or be happy you aren’t a mother already.

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SinkGirl · 06/06/2021 21:49

Oh OP. I was diagnosed with endo at 22 and spent my whole 20s panicking i wouldn’t be able to have kids. Was never in a position to try as was so unwell and reliant on hormones.

After many surgeries I came off the pill at 33 and we started trying so that i could try for 12 months then qualify for IVF, except I conceived the first month and ended up with twins.

I know not everyone is so fortunate. I have a lot of friends with endo from over the last nearly 20 years. All bar one who wanted children eventually had them, although several needed IVF, and one did needed donor egg IVF but now has two beautiful children.

You aren’t in a position to have kids now so please don’t let it take over your life. The majority of women with endometriosis do not have fertility issues and there’s no way to know until you’re ready to try.

You are still so young and have lots of living to do - I am glad we waited, as things have been quite difficult (both our twins have disabilities) and I personally wouldn’t have coped well when I was younger.

Find some goals for yourself, you will meet someone along the way, but enjoy your life now!

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TheGoogleMum · 06/06/2021 21:57

23 is so young still! You have lots of time. Your parents will be well practiced grandparents when you have kids which might mean they enjoy them more (my DD is is my parents 3rd grandchild but they like to tell me she is the sweetest and the easiest, part if being easier is likely to be they've just got used to helping with little kids for longer). They love all their grandchildren the first one doesn't seem to be favoured (I don't think they have a favourite)

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mcmooberry · 06/06/2021 21:58

Aw I understand how you feel, their perfect life seems so far away for you at this moment, if you were in a committed relationship that was likely to lead to marriage and a family you wouldn't feel so bad.

But you absolutely can and will have that in all likelihood, let them run their race and you run yours. Just because previous relationships haven't come to anything doesn't mean the next one will, you only need to marry one person!

Re your mum, that does sound upsetting however if you were male and your mum was not over the moon about your child and only her daughter's child (as so often seems to happen) just imagine how you would feel. Maybe have a word with your mum, it's horrible having people pity you so often you pretend you are fine, but if you let her know that you are down about being single and the endometriosis, she will want to help and make you feel better.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can draw comfort from some of the replies here. XX

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Welikebeingcosy · 06/06/2021 21:59

You could see it as a lovely peek into the future of what's to come one day. I'd love to have a mum or mother in law who fusses over me and her grandchild in that way and you will have that, it's just not your time yet and the time you're waiting will be filled with lots of other lovely things which you won't be able to do once you've got a partner and a baby.

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Dontfuckingsaycheese · 06/06/2021 21:59

You are young OP. What I will add though is though many in here are talking about having babies in 30s or even their 40s. I remember listening to a programme about it. Women having panics in their 30s and freezing eggs. The thing is 30 year old eggs are nowhere near as viable an option as 20 year old eggs. Have you considered egg freezing? Buy yourself, your body and your worries a little time as it were. A little insurance. Then, if

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SirVixofVixHall · 06/06/2021 22:02

Firstly, tell your Mum that as her only daughter, it hurts to hear her call your brother’s partner her daughter. I do think this is a bit odd, they are not even married.
The rest ? Well like everyone else , i say slow down ! You are 23, not 43.
I think you have romanticised marriage and babies in a way you might not be doing at 23 if you’d just left a long term university boyfriend for instance. Marriage and babies, both can be wonderful, but most people are not really ready for either at 23.
Focus on enjoying your life as it is now, being young with everything in front of you. Trust that if you have children your Mum will love them and find them just as special. Many mothers feel particularly close to their daughter’s children, I imagine that is why your Mum is making such a huge effort with your brother’s partner.
In ten years your brother and his partner may not be together, and you may be married with a new baby. Everyone’s life changes. Stop looking at theirs and start focusing on your own.

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