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To be so jealous of my brother's fiancee?

124 replies

mittenwalker · 06/06/2021 19:46

First of all, I know I'm being completely U. I'm not expecting advice, I just need to vent somewhere because this is how I'm feeling and I can't help it. I have no ill feelings toward's my brother or his fiancee themselves, she is absolutely lovely and I would never be funny with them in real life.

I'm 23, and have never had a long term relationship. The odd flings, but nothing ever lasted. It saddens me as I'd love to just settle down. I'm saving up for my own property but haven't got a cat in hell's chance without a partner. I'd love to get married and have children. I have endometriosis and while it doesn't mean I can't have kids, there's a pretty decent chance I will struggle. It terrifies me. I've always just been drawn to the 'white picket fence' life and I'd be gutted if I could never find a partner and/or struggled to have children. I've always been very close to my mum, I literally tell her everything. I have friends but she is absolutely my best friend.

My brother is 25 and his girlfriend is the same age as me. They have been together 4 years and seem to have it all. She got help from her parents for a deposit, and they have a gorgeous little house. They recently got engaged and are planning a big white wedding once Covid has properly been sorted. Their son is 4 months old. I've always thought "lucky them" a bit, with their stable relationship and the house. But it never really affected me. But the pregnancy announcement gutted me. I remember seeing the text in the family groupchat and sending a lovely excited text back, and then crying my eyes out. That is what I wanted for me. I remember being relived that Covid was a thing because I was able to have my reaction to the news privately. I just felt horrendously jealous whenever I saw a scan picture etc. I wanted (and still want) their life.

Something that I've really struggled with though, is the new closeness between my brother's fiancee and my mum. My mum was so excited during the pregnancy about her perfect first grandchild. Going on to my brother's girlfriend how much she loved her and how she was properly part of the family now etc. It got worse after my nephew was born. I adore my nephew and have loved when I've been invited round for a cuddle but it's the family dynamic that seems to bother me. It seems to be my mum's relationship with my brother's fiancee which is the trigger specifically. As when I've been invited round to see the baby and just my brother and his fiancee are there, I'm fine and just enjoy spending time with them and the baby.

We all live within a fairly small vicinity of each other and a few times I've seen my mum and my brother's fiancee out with the pram. We all went round a few days after baby was born and my mum was all over the baby and fussing over my brother's fiancee, and I was so envious because I'd imagined all of this with me. My mum being adoring of my future baby, us out on walks with the pram together etc. And I know I may have that in the future, but I feel like there is something extra special about the first grandchild and I feel like my sister's fiancee has stolen it from me. I know that's completely irrational because nobody has 'the right' to have the first grandchild, but I still feel those emotions. I feel so guilty for it because my brother's fiancee really is lovely but I'm just so bitter. My mum has even started referring to my brother's fiancee as her daughter since the baby which doesn't help. I'm her daughter. My brother's fiancee has her own mum who is also adoring of her baby and makes a fuss over her. My parent's aren't together and my dad lives 200 miles away but he'll be coming up soon to see the baby and I think that will also upset me.

I just keep telling myself that yes, the first grandchild is extra special. But there is also something extra special about when your own daughter specifically has a baby and that that is something I'll get with my mum. But then I start thinking about how I've never had a partner and my endometriosis and just become convinced I'll end up a bitter old hag watching my brother's fiancee live out the life I wanted, and me fading into irrelevancy in my mum's eyes. I feel so horrible. I have visions of my mum going "Oh yeah, my daughter is infertile/never found somebody to have kids with but it's okay because I have my daughter in law!" and it really breaks my heart.

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Honeyroar · 06/06/2021 22:04

I understand what you’re feeling but you’re so young. Go and live your life, have fun, travel, whatever. You’ve got loads of time. Give your future baby some stories to tell them. Your mum will love your family just as much when it’s your time.

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caringcarer · 06/06/2021 22:04

It can be hard seeing someone else have all of the things you want when you are not sure if you will ever get them.gor yourself. However you have one thing that is certain you are an aunty. That is almost as good as being a Mum. Don't spoil the time you could spend with your niece/nephew by being jealous. Your parents love you, your brother lives you and your niece/nephew will love you. Accept the love you have in your life and the rest will follow as you get older. Never wish away your youth. You can't get the years back later. You have so much time to be a Mum.

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Honeyroar · 06/06/2021 22:07

@saraclara

Many posters seem to be skating over what I imagine to be the very hurtful bit here.

I think you need to have a gentle word with your mum about her calling your SIL her 'daughter'. Yes, she's excited about the baby, and yes, she's going to want to keep her DIL onside (we know how much power DILs have, from the many threads on here where their MIL's can do nothing right, and come way way behind their own mothers). But I think she needs to know that she's almost sidelining you (or at least that you feel that she is)

Try not to sound childish when you bring it up, but tell her that you miss her, and your closeness. Suggest a day out together?

One of my daughters really missed out over the last year or so. As a widow living alone, I bubbled with my other daughter, son in law and baby GD. It was natural to do so of course, but it meant I saw one daughter at least once a week, and the other barely at all.

Now that we can, the other daughter and I are having a mini-break next month, to spend some quality time together. I'm really looking forward to it, and so is she. Maybe you and your mum could do something like that?

My mil used to call herself mum to me and sometimes say daughter. I found it was a bit strange, but I think it was just easier to say sometimes. Occasionally I call my stepson my son when talking to people because I’m being lazy..
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Cakecrumbsinmybra · 06/06/2021 22:09

Echoing the other PPs in that you are so young and of course you will always be your mother's daughter. But please don't refer to childless older women as "bitter old hags", it's really not nice.

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FieldOverFence · 06/06/2021 22:18

Op at 23 I had never so much as slept with anyone, never mind had a relationship. I wasn't happy with that situation but I had just goty first 'career-y' job and was excited with that and the possibilities it was bringing. Was living with a roommate and doing some great partying. At 25 I met my OH online, at 29 we were married, and I had my DCs at 31 & 33.
There is soo much time for things to fall into place

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WorraLiberty · 06/06/2021 22:25

@HaveringWavering

OP your Mum is probably horrified that your brother knocked his girlfriend up at 22 and is putting a brave face on it.

Christ, what a vile post.
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Rufus27 · 06/06/2021 22:28

I could have written your post when I was 23 (except I actually cried right in front of my brother when he announced they were having a baby) Blush

Fast forward another 23 years and I’m now a mum of two, happily settled (and a very proud auntie). I took longer to find myself than my brother did (didn’t even meet my partner until I was nearly 40) but I got there ... and so will you.

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copperpotsalot · 06/06/2021 22:29

Sweetheart, you're 23. You could have several life stories in you to come. So might they.

I really feel for you as you sound so overwhelmed with sadness about your situation when you've got it so so wrong!

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PurpleMustang · 06/06/2021 22:34

I just wanted to add that your first baby will be just as special to your mum. Plus you will have a special bond being your mother. Your mum will be having to play the fine line of MIL of wanting to be involved but not overstepping the mark. Where as with you it would be different she has known you forever. It is usually true of a mother wanting her own mother around more than fathers mum but it is due to bonds and boundaries. Your time will come.

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Phrowzunn · 06/06/2021 22:35

For what it’s worth my SIL had the first grandchild who my mum absolutely adores but when I had kids a few years later she did tell me that it’s a totally different experience when your own daughter has a baby. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with marriage and babies being what you want from life - but if it is - go and make it happen! Don’t wait around for it to fall into your lap. Get yourself out there and date! Find your love, get started. Stop moping around and start living the life you want!

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Dontfuckingsaycheese · 06/06/2021 22:36

I'm sorry my phone died. So, what I was saying. Then, whatever happens in the future, you meet someone, you meet someone else, you don't meet someone, you decide you don't want a partner..... Anything. You've got that option there. Would you feel a little more in control of the situation then? Could help you move on a little for whatever your life has in store for you?

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HoobleDooble · 06/06/2021 22:36

I'd bet that, if your mum's this excited about your brother's fiancée having a baby, she'll probably need tranquilizing when it's her own baby giving birth! Just enjoy your youth and freedom for now, there's plenty of time for a the serious life stuff yet.

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Dontfuckingsaycheese · 06/06/2021 22:44

If it's the baby that you want then you don't need to be married. In a relationship. Or even a man. What's to stop you making this happen for yourself. What if Mr Happily Ever After never turns up. It he does but you go off him when you realise that he's an annoying test and you can't bear to hear him draw another breath. Why should that get in the way of you having what you really want? You might go on to have it all. But if you don't have it all don't let that stop you having your heart's desire. Xx

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Dontfuckingsaycheese · 06/06/2021 22:46

test twat!

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bluebell34567 · 06/06/2021 22:54

your mum sounds inconsiderate to you. maybe you should remind her you are her daughter.

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tinselvestsparklepants · 06/06/2021 22:56

Your envy is a natural emotion - it's fine to feel it, acknowledge that you do, but make sure it doesn't damage your family relationships. You can do this if you're able to see your emotion as "it's own thing" that you can ignore when you need to.

I've felt very similar. I couldn't have kids. It was gut wrenching when my dad's stepdaughter has 'his first grandchild' on my 30th birthday. I still resent it to be honest. But...

Think of life like a big table where everyone is sharing out the food. At the moment, all the dishes are at the end where your brother and his fiancé are sat. But I promise you, the dishes will come around to you in time.

Be kind to yourself.

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Anna727b · 06/06/2021 22:57

Aw don't worry so much OP.

Of course your relationship with your Mum is different to your SIL and DM's relationship!

Having your own child/children second doesn't make them less special as babies and actually a lot of Mums are closer to their DD's babies than their DS's babies.

In lots of ways you're lucky to be 23 and not yet a mother. You have time to work out who you are, to enjoy being young and carefree, to make mistakes, to work towards a career, to find exactly the right guy. Your SIL will miss out on certain things from having her DC so young.

At 23 your brain isn't even fully developed (it keeps developing until 25) and you have so many opportunities in life- the World is your Oyster!

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Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 06/06/2021 23:01

You are lucky - you'll get to be an aunt and develop a relationship with your neice, my sister is very close to my kids.
You are too young to get into all that yet, deveop your career and relax and don't worry about it, I'm sure someone will come along; jeez kids are hard work be careful what you wish for!

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Anna727b · 06/06/2021 23:01

@Cakecrumbsinmybra

Echoing the other PPs in that you are so young and of course you will always be your mother's daughter. But please don't refer to childless older women as "bitter old hags", it's really not nice.

Yes- sort of second this ^. I'm 33, single and childless (not through choice) and did sort of think I might the kind of 'bitter old hag' that you were referring to!

I'm not though- I adore my sibling's kids and still hope to meet the right guy and have my own!
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foodiefil · 06/06/2021 23:05

You're so young!

What's good about your post is that you know what you want. A lot of 23 year olds don't.

I think you know this but the issue is completely with you. As others have said I would seek counselling to help you. And you need to focus on being the best you you can be. So do things you love. Exercise. See friends. Do a job you love.

Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it the more it will allude you, but if you turn your attention to other things it will come and sit softly on your shoulder ❤️

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Considerthis201 · 06/06/2021 23:11

My older sister shared recently that she feels the same as you about my life.
Im 29 and shes 31. I have 4 kids and a husband,house etc. I told her even tho i love my kids and husband i settled far too early. Im pretty jealous of her life. Single and free. I think everyone wishes they could have someones life its completely normal whats not normal is letting that get in the way of your life especially at 23

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alwayswithhope · 06/06/2021 23:16

In all honesty... you are 23. You really need to take a step back. You should be out and about enjoying yourself. You’ll likely meet someone and then end up with the house and kids. At the minute you are being completely irrational. Maybe it’s anxiety that is causing this irrationality and if so consider counselling.

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gottakeeponmovin · 06/06/2021 23:21

I think all your feelings are quite normal to be honest. But I promise you that first grandchild syndrome disappears when second grandchild comes along and also there is something about a mother and daughter bond that will mean your child is very important to your mum. I do understand why you are jealous now but honestly you don't need to worry

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reginafalange2020 · 06/06/2021 23:21

If it makes you feel any better OP - I was diagnosed with endometriosis in my very early 20s. I spent years worrying about infertility. I've got 3 kids now and had no trouble conceiving. I understand there are varying degrees of endometriosis but don't assume the worse you may be surprised.

You've got so much time and so many options.

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saraclara · 06/06/2021 23:59

I was the first to sprog in my inlaw family. My MIL got us excited for every baby, (my two and SIL's two) as for the first, and adored them all equally.

When you have yours, whether soon or in a decade or more (remember the latter is more usual) your mum will be every bit as excited, if not more so, and your own child will be every bit as special to her as this one.

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