AIBU to believe that most families say things to each other that they wouldn't say to someone outside of the family face to face?
My brother in law is a golf bore.
When I'm at my sisters, I try to avoid being in a position where I'm alone with him because he switches virtually every conversation around to golf, when he's next playing, who is playing on TV, where they are in the league etc.
I see no reason to blatantly tell him he's a golf bore.
On Thursday, DH, DS and I were invited to a BBQ at my sisters.
It was a lovely afternoon and on the way home in the car, I mentioned that I was happy that the weather had been so lovely because we had been able to stay in the garden.
DH replied that it wouldn't have mattered if it had rained because we could have all gone inside.
I said I preferred the garden.
DH asked why so I said that by staying in the garden, i didnt have to listen to the golf in the background on the TV or listen to my BIL talking about golf (he prefers to stay in front of the TV watching golf).
DH says I am being nasty and I'm rude and if i wouldn't say it to his face, i shouldn't utter those words in my own home.
My best friend and I went shopping for a dress for her sisters wedding.
She chose a white dress. I gently asked her if she might consider a different colour, but she loved this dress and chose to buy it.
I asked my DH what he thought and I explained, rightly or wrongly, that I felt it wasnt the done thing to wear the same colour as the bride. Again, my DH says I am wrong for not speaking up and telling her directly that she would upstage the bride (not what i said btw) and if i wasnt prepared to say it to her face, i shouldn't say it to anyone.
This crops up time and time again, but moreso lately until we are now at a point where I only speak about things I would be happy to say to the persons face.
Another example this week is I asked my DS to close the fridge and freezer doors because he had left them open for 10 minutes while he was looking for something to eat.
I had not long returned from the supermarket and the frozen food had been in the car boot for over an hour.
DS asked why he needed to close the doors, I told him that the food would get spoiled and hadn't been in the fridge freezer long.
DH turned and said 'Ok, you've made your point, leave it now!'
Since then, DS has responded with 'Ok, you've made your point.' whenever I have asked him more than once to put something away, take his plate out, bring his washing to me.
Today, I haven't spoken very much for fear of being told I am saying something wrong or labouring a point and both DH and DS are asking me what's wrong, but honestly, I'd rather stick to neutral topics like the weather or what we're having for dinner instead of saying something that upsets anyone.
I am not a very confident person and tend to avoid creating a scene, sometimes to my detriment. I tend to stay quiet and then seethe 😂 but I have always felt i could discuss my thoughts with DH. Lately, I dont feel I can, yet when I dont have much to say, DH asks me over and over what's wrong? I reply that nothing is wrong, but he still asks.
I'm so careful not to say anything 'nasty' or 'rude' that chatting to my family has begun to feel like hard work, thinking of everything I'm going to say and how it sounds to the other person, whether I'd say it outside of my house, how it will be construed by the listener.
I dont know whether I'm coming or going anymore.
I'm beginning to feel like a weak minded gossiping bitch who is negative most of the time, although I try so hard to be positive every day.
I make sure that I say lots of positive things to DH and DS every day, but they generally reply with sarcasm or negativity to me, or at least that's how it seems to me.
Earlier DS was making a model with Lego, and I mentioned how amazing it was as i walked past. DS replied that it wasnt very good, so I gently disagreed and said I thought it was great, to which DS replied " You've made your point, now just leave it!"
I cant seem to do right for doing wrong.
AIBU to be so upset?
And how do I change this dynamic?