Come on, be completely honest?

[Judith0000]

AIBU to believe that most families say things to each other that they wouldn't say to someone outside of the family face to face?

My brother in law is a golf bore.
When I'm at my sisters, I try to avoid being in a position where I'm alone with him because he switches virtually every conversation around to golf, when he's next playing, who is playing on TV, where they are in the league etc.
I see no reason to blatantly tell him he's a golf bore.
On Thursday, DH, DS and I were invited to a BBQ at my sisters.
It was a lovely afternoon and on the way home in the car, I mentioned that I was happy that the weather had been so lovely because we had been able to stay in the garden.
DH replied that it wouldn't have mattered if it had rained because we could have all gone inside.
I said I preferred the garden.
DH asked why so I said that by staying in the garden, i didnt have to listen to the golf in the background on the TV or listen to my BIL talking about golf (he prefers to stay in front of the TV watching golf).
DH says I am being nasty and I'm rude and if i wouldn't say it to his face, i shouldn't utter those words in my own home.

My best friend and I went shopping for a dress for her sisters wedding.
She chose a white dress. I gently asked her if she might consider a different colour, but she loved this dress and chose to buy it.
I asked my DH what he thought and I explained, rightly or wrongly, that I felt it wasnt the done thing to wear the same colour as the bride. Again, my DH says I am wrong for not speaking up and telling her directly that she would upstage the bride (not what i said btw) and if i wasnt prepared to say it to her face, i shouldn't say it to anyone.

This crops up time and time again, but moreso lately until we are now at a point where I only speak about things I would be happy to say to the persons face.

Another example this week is I asked my DS to close the fridge and freezer doors because he had left them open for 10 minutes while he was looking for something to eat.
I had not long returned from the supermarket and the frozen food had been in the car boot for over an hour.
DS asked why he needed to close the doors, I told him that the food would get spoiled and hadn't been in the fridge freezer long.
DH turned and said 'Ok, you've made your point, leave it now!'
Since then, DS has responded with 'Ok, you've made your point.' whenever I have asked him more than once to put something away, take his plate out, bring his washing to me.
Today, I haven't spoken very much for fear of being told I am saying something wrong or labouring a point and both DH and DS are asking me what's wrong, but honestly, I'd rather stick to neutral topics like the weather or what we're having for dinner instead of saying something that upsets anyone.
I am not a very confident person and tend to avoid creating a scene, sometimes to my detriment. I tend to stay quiet and then seethe 😂 but I have always felt i could discuss my thoughts with DH. Lately, I dont feel I can, yet when I dont have much to say, DH asks me over and over what's wrong? I reply that nothing is wrong, but he still asks.
I'm so careful not to say anything 'nasty' or 'rude' that chatting to my family has begun to feel like hard work, thinking of everything I'm going to say and how it sounds to the other person, whether I'd say it outside of my house, how it will be construed by the listener.
I dont know whether I'm coming or going anymore.
I'm beginning to feel like a weak minded gossiping bitch who is negative most of the time, although I try so hard to be positive every day.
I make sure that I say lots of positive things to DH and DS every day, but they generally reply with sarcasm or negativity to me, or at least that's how it seems to me.

Earlier DS was making a model with Lego, and I mentioned how amazing it was as i walked past. DS replied that it wasnt very good, so I gently disagreed and said I thought it was great, to which DS replied " You've made your point, now just leave it!"
I cant seem to do right for doing wrong.
AIBU to be so upset?
And how do I change this dynamic?

"You've made your point" is just a different way of saying "shut up". Why do they get to decide when you're done speaking?

It sounds like your DH is a very direct person and this means that a. He is an arsehole to you and B. He thinks you’re being a bitch when you (kindly) say things behind people’s backs instead of to their faces.

I really think most people who say things like “I won’t say anything behind anyone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face” are bullies. It is normal to think unkind thoughts sometimes - it is not ok to offload these on the object of the thoughts.

Ask your mum again for advice (or someone more sympathetic to you? A friend) but NOT in the presence of DS. You don’t want him overhearing any more helpful little one liners.

Your husband is awful and your son is copying him.

I agree your husband is being horrible.

Objectively, banging on about golf, or any hobby, to people who don't share that interest, is boring. You're allowed to think that and you're allowed to say that. If you said to your BiL that he bores the pants off you, what does he think would happen? Hes going to say 'oh gosh I'd not realised I was boring, thanks for pointing it out' and turn the TV off? No, he is going to be hurt and you will fall out with your sister. Why is that better than venting in private? Its healthy to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Why doesnt your husband want to listen to them?

You change the dynamic by leaving. Then pull your son up on his disrespectful behaviour every time he tries it. At the moment you'd have a hard time disciplining your son when he sees you allowing his dad to treat you the same way. So show him you won't allow it, by leaving. You're being controlled to the point where you're scared to speak, then you're told not speaking is wrong too. Life is too short to live like this. Just go. You deserve better.

@Judith0000

I'm happy to be told I'm being oversensitive, because quite honestly, I feel very sensitive. I dont know why.

Perhaps you feel sensitive because you're being treated like shit on a daily basis by you husband and son? You're having a normal reaction to a rubbish home life.

Today, I haven't spoken very much for fear of being told I am saying something wrong or labouring a point and both DH and DS are asking me what's wrong

Oh, sorry - I thought this was what you wanted as there are so many topics you say are inappropriate, and I keep being told that I've made my point anyway.

Also I would have a private word with DH and point out that his dismissive and disrespectful way of talking to you in front of your son is teaching your son to talk down to and be disrespectful to his mother.

Just don't put up with being treated like shite in order to preserve the peace - MAKE them a bit uncomfortable. They don't care much about your feelings do they?

As for your son, I would stop him every time he comes out with "you've made your point" and tell him that it's rude and disrespectful for a child to speak to his parent like that - say that you don't even like it from his father, an adult, but it's worse from a child. If he doesn't do his chores etc in a timely fashion, you WILL be reminding him so he'll have to suck it up.

And this "as bad as each other" from your mother - tell him it's just a saying - and there is no way you are "as bad as" a 14 year old who won't do this or that and is scornful of his mother.

I’d be finding a spare rio for a couple of weeks.

Or stop doing ‘everything’ for them, they want clean clothes, they know where the washer is, they want food, direct them to Tesco!

Strike action is required.

Also if your sister invites you, you go and leave them home - ungrateful

I think you need to completely ignore what your DM said because I suspect she just trotted that out so as not to be seen to be taking sides.
Your husband is bullying you OP. Sorry.

Thank you for all of your comments. I am reading them all and appreciate the advice.
To the poster who said I'm not a child, I completely agree, yet I feel like a child.
DH has always had a tendency to want to solve issues and when I first met him, he would stand up to my family on my behalf, of which I was truly grateful, but over time, he has learned that this is the way to make me comply with him too.

I come from a family where there are strong characters and I am the weak character.
I discovered long ago that the easiest solution for me was to avoid these family members, and when I do spend time with them, i say very little.
I avoid the family members who shout at me to shut me down, yet they do it because it works. They shout at me or override my parenting, and I shut down and say 'Yes, ok.' to avoid an ugly confrontation.

I accept I'm a complete weak mess, but I want to change it without being unreasonable to anyone, just respectful but firm.

The trouble is that in the past, when I have tried to stand up for myself, I find that people shout louder, until I succumb.
In the past, I have been blocked from leaving my sisters house until I apologise for upsetting her, after I mentioned at a family gathering about some voluntary work I had been doing with people living on the streets a couple of christmases ago.
I was explaining how sad I found it that one gentleman who had been on the streets for 7 years had been offered a place in a homeless shelter but refused to take it because they wouldn't accept his dog, and immediately, my sister flew at me and shouted at me that she had heard enough, that I was being horrible because not everyone was fortunate enough to have a home they could keep their pets in and she thought it was disgusting that I was talking about this man when he wasnt there to defend himself.
I was so shocked, everyone went silent, and even my DM whispered to me not to take any notice.
I told my sister I was sorry if I had upset her but that wasnt my intention, and she accepted that, but I couldn't get past her to get out of the house without saying something or pushing past her, which I didnt want to do.
At that point, I just wanted to go home and I did shortly afterwards.
At that time, when I returned home and told DH, he said he would have said 'Excuse me.' to get past, and if she still didnt move out of the way, he would have had to just pushed past her, because there would be no possibility of him apologising. He said my sister is toxic.
From then on, I have only visited my sister at my parents request for family get togethers.

I haven't always been like this. I used to be quite strong, but too many times, I've been humiliated like this.
I accept that my weakness in dealing with these situations has invited people to think it is acceptable to treat me this way.
This has been the pattern of my life for a while, where I'm told I'm destroying the occasion/family, generally made to feel like the argument is all my fault and I'm the cause of all of the trouble.
I am still reading but I'm going for a walk now, to try to clear my head.

My gut feeling is that I've made myself into a sitting duck if you like, where I've almost invited negative responses from people because I dont bite back

No you haven't. Decent person wouldn't be making horrible comments in the first place, so nothing for you to bite back over. Although yes you do need to stand up for yourself if anyone tries to disrespect you.

"Husband says he's happy to do housework, but arranges his life in such a way as to avoid it, so I end up doing almost all of it"

There you go, I've corrected that bit for you!

Your DH is a dick, verging on a bully.
But yes, you should've told your friend about the white dress. I would’ve also said to my BIL jokily please don’t bore me with golf facts.

Your absolute twat of a husband is policing what you’re saying and has forced you to change your behaviour by doing so (I suspect deliberately). This is a very bad sign. Does he police anything else about you? Places you go? Things you wear?

The trouble is that in the past, when I have tried to stand up for myself, I find that people shout louder, until I succumb. In the past, I have been blocked from leaving my sisters house until I apologise for upsetting her,

This is abusive behaviour. Assertiveness won't work with these people. Walking away from them permanently is the right thing to do. It's not a question of you not being assertive enough. It's a question of them being abusive.

I’d be livid if my partner turned around and said “alright you’ve made your point” when you were simply politely asking your son to do something which is common sense. He sounds like an absolute knob!! And unfortunately your son is growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour between his parents and is now copying it.

I’d be sitting them both down and explaining you deserve respect in your own home!!!

I accept that my weakness in dealing with these situations has invited people to think it is acceptable to treat me this way.

This way of thinking is a problem. If someone punched you in the face and you passed out, is that because you're 'too weak' to stay conscious? If someone mugged you would it be because you were 'too weak' to fight them off? If you were punched or mugged would it be because you'd "invited" it by existing in that space at that time? You're not weak, you're downtrodden, there's a difference. If every time you stand up someone knocks you down, that doesn't make you weak it makes them a bully. Nothing you have done or not done has caused them to be a bully. Thry were always bullies. You haven't brought this on yourself.

@AmberIsACertainty

The trouble is that in the past, when I have tried to stand up for myself, I find that people shout louder, until I succumb. In the past, I have been blocked from leaving my sisters house until I apologise for upsetting her,

This is abusive behaviour. Assertiveness won't work with these people. Walking away from them permanently is the right thing to do. It's not a question of you not being assertive enough. It's a question of them being abusive.

This.

Your husband is an arse hole and your son is not a young child in that he thinks he’s just copying his dad. He also sounds like an arse! He knows exactly how he is treating you.

If possible you should take yourself away for a few days to nice, quiet, peaceful spa holiday. Turn off your phone. Take some nice books to read and just do some self care and get away from home. If you can do a week or two holiday alone then why not do it?

Your son is 14 so doesn’t need a babysitter, and he and your husband seem annoyed by your presence. Why not go away for a while and let them stew and think about how they have been treating you?

Sometimes in a relationship distance is good. So taking some time away might actually be the healthiest thing to do. If you can’t go for a spa holiday, then just do some distancing by engaging less for a while. When you’re ready, you can address their disrespectful way of communicating with you. But you don’t have to stage some big confrontation. Distancing is as much for you as it is for them to stop and think about why you aren’t engaging with them as much. Maybe they need to think about why mom isn’t chatting or giving encouragement as much. They don’t appreciate that. Hopefully they will learn a lesson.

Your husband especially. Anytime he gets this way just don’t engage. You can fill up your life to keep yourself occupied while your husband and son think about how they can treat you with respect.

It's so hard to stand up for yourself when you hate confrontation so much. Does your DH say anything to your DS when he copies him disrespecting you? It's easy for me to say what I would've done in that situation but that likely doesn't help you much, however, you are definitely NBU.

maybe practice self-care op, do something you enjoy every day, work out what you want, maybe some principles to live your life by, write them down. then when dh or ds cross a line you will be able to speak up knowing you're 100% being true to yourself. work out what you want to say to your dh, even write him a letter to avoid any possibility of gas -lighting or getting angry/emotional so you can both be on the same page in terms of parenting your ds and the other issues.
you'll be doing everyone a favour and you will grow from this experience. Good luck xx

I probably would not have called my husband’s brother a bore or otherwise said anything unpleasant about him. It is not that surprising that your husband did not appreciate that. But I can also see why you are treading on eggshells and your husband is setting a very bad example to your son.

The first example I agree with you. I'd let him talk about golf, but avoid being stuck too long.

The second, I agree with your dh, I think you should have said something. She's either doing it on purpose, in which case calling her out on it is fine, or she hasn't thought about it, in which case she may end up falling out with the bride, or having people bitching about her on the day.

The third, I think it depends. If it was simply (assuming first offense) "Hey, ds, you need to make sure the freezer door is closed or we can end up with spoilt food" yes, you were fine. If you were extrapolating at length then your dh was probably right that you'd gone on enough for a careless error.

Your ds may see it as a jokey response. My ds tends to say "yes, boss" in that situation. I respond with "Do it, slave." It's a joke between us.

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just married to an arsehole who is moulding your son into a little carbon copy arsehole.

I really feel for you, your husband is a nasty bully which is copied by your son who is a bully in waiting , your sister also sounds like a rotten bully , I have sympathy with your golfing BIL golf may be his means of escaping your sister, sadly it's turned him into a golf bore

Sounds like you've have years of being trained to sit quietly in the corner and not have a voice
I think you have three options
1, continue as you are , but I fear DH & DS will increase their nasty ways
2, tell them what it's like being shut down constantly and state that it must change
3 Tell husband to leave , that you cannot and will not live like this anymore

At 14 your son should be doing a few chores around the house and definitely not back chatting you like he is and your husband should be parenting in such a way that helps back you up

I hope it works out in your favour