Come on, be completely honest?

[Judith0000]

AIBU to believe that most families say things to each other that they wouldn't say to someone outside of the family face to face?

My brother in law is a golf bore.
When I'm at my sisters, I try to avoid being in a position where I'm alone with him because he switches virtually every conversation around to golf, when he's next playing, who is playing on TV, where they are in the league etc.
I see no reason to blatantly tell him he's a golf bore.
On Thursday, DH, DS and I were invited to a BBQ at my sisters.
It was a lovely afternoon and on the way home in the car, I mentioned that I was happy that the weather had been so lovely because we had been able to stay in the garden.
DH replied that it wouldn't have mattered if it had rained because we could have all gone inside.
I said I preferred the garden.
DH asked why so I said that by staying in the garden, i didnt have to listen to the golf in the background on the TV or listen to my BIL talking about golf (he prefers to stay in front of the TV watching golf).
DH says I am being nasty and I'm rude and if i wouldn't say it to his face, i shouldn't utter those words in my own home.

My best friend and I went shopping for a dress for her sisters wedding.
She chose a white dress. I gently asked her if she might consider a different colour, but she loved this dress and chose to buy it.
I asked my DH what he thought and I explained, rightly or wrongly, that I felt it wasnt the done thing to wear the same colour as the bride. Again, my DH says I am wrong for not speaking up and telling her directly that she would upstage the bride (not what i said btw) and if i wasnt prepared to say it to her face, i shouldn't say it to anyone.

This crops up time and time again, but moreso lately until we are now at a point where I only speak about things I would be happy to say to the persons face.

Another example this week is I asked my DS to close the fridge and freezer doors because he had left them open for 10 minutes while he was looking for something to eat.
I had not long returned from the supermarket and the frozen food had been in the car boot for over an hour.
DS asked why he needed to close the doors, I told him that the food would get spoiled and hadn't been in the fridge freezer long.
DH turned and said 'Ok, you've made your point, leave it now!'
Since then, DS has responded with 'Ok, you've made your point.' whenever I have asked him more than once to put something away, take his plate out, bring his washing to me.
Today, I haven't spoken very much for fear of being told I am saying something wrong or labouring a point and both DH and DS are asking me what's wrong, but honestly, I'd rather stick to neutral topics like the weather or what we're having for dinner instead of saying something that upsets anyone.
I am not a very confident person and tend to avoid creating a scene, sometimes to my detriment. I tend to stay quiet and then seethe 😂 but I have always felt i could discuss my thoughts with DH. Lately, I dont feel I can, yet when I dont have much to say, DH asks me over and over what's wrong? I reply that nothing is wrong, but he still asks.
I'm so careful not to say anything 'nasty' or 'rude' that chatting to my family has begun to feel like hard work, thinking of everything I'm going to say and how it sounds to the other person, whether I'd say it outside of my house, how it will be construed by the listener.
I dont know whether I'm coming or going anymore.
I'm beginning to feel like a weak minded gossiping bitch who is negative most of the time, although I try so hard to be positive every day.
I make sure that I say lots of positive things to DH and DS every day, but they generally reply with sarcasm or negativity to me, or at least that's how it seems to me.

Earlier DS was making a model with Lego, and I mentioned how amazing it was as i walked past. DS replied that it wasnt very good, so I gently disagreed and said I thought it was great, to which DS replied " You've made your point, now just leave it!"
I cant seem to do right for doing wrong.
AIBU to be so upset?
And how do I change this dynamic?

@MargaretThursday based on OPs updates and generally the way she feels, I dont think she sees it as an in joke at all and rather feels she is treading on eggshells.

OP, the way your husband and son speak to you is not normal and it's not okay. especially if this is a running theme - me and my partner discuss things we wouldnt with other people because like pp pointed out, sometimes you want to vent about something but not necessarily cause a major row with said person/people.

*I have asked my DM for advice when she was visiting since I dont feel I can ask my DH, and my DM replied "You're both as bad as each other."
DS has repeated this to me whenever I've tried to call him out on rude behaviour or laziness since then.
"DS, You are being very rude to me and there's no need for it."
DS replies "Well, we're just as bad as each other like Nan said."

So in some ways, he is copying, but tends to gloss over when people mention that I'm doing lots of things for him.
DH says that's what a parent does, takes on all of the responsibility, doesnt ask the children to do any chores, walk the dog, clean up all the mess.
To be fair, DH will happily do housework, but he works long hours so most of it falls to me*

I think your husband and mother are most definitely not helping the situation at all.
Your husband sounds like an arse, generally, from what you’ve posted.
And if your DS keeps parroting ‘we’re both as bad as each other, just like what Nan said’ I’d be saying ‘well Nan isn’t here, I am, and I’m telling you XXXXX.
You need to take back control.

Plus, your husband is talking absolute nonsense about not letting kids take any responsibility for chores etc... that’s not helping at all. Get DS involved in chores, give him responsibility, get him involved in stuff around the house, equip him with life skills, stop him being a spoilt man-child in the future.

I’d have a chat with your husband too, and tell him his attitude isn’t helping.

This has nothing to do with what you say. Your husband is looking for a reason to put you down. Whatever you had said, he would have taken issue with.

@Aprilx

I probably would not have called my husband’s brother a bore or otherwise said anything unpleasant about him. It is not that surprising that your husband did not appreciate that. But I can also see why you are treading on eggshells and your husband is setting a very bad example to your son.

BIL is her sister's husband not her husband's brother.

@Aprilx

I probably would not have called my husband’s brother a bore or otherwise said anything unpleasant about him. It is not that surprising that your husband did not appreciate that. But I can also see why you are treading on eggshells and your husband is setting a very bad example to your son.

I think, from the OP, it's her sister's DH.

X post. Sorry!

Sounds like you come from a bullying dysfunctional family background and have ended up with a bullying partner, who is instilling the same pattern into your son.

@User27392

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just married to an arsehole who is moulding your son into a little carbon copy arsehole.

Plus your 'D'H is saying children shouldn't be doing chores. Wonder if he'd say the same if you had a daughter not a son?

I'm sorry to hear this. It looks like you've gone from a bullying sister to a bullying husband.

If I'm feeling unappreciated or want to talk to my family about something, I'd call a family meeting, say to everyone how I'm feeling, with a couple of examples, say the kind of behaviour I'd like, then ask what they thought.

But in your case, I'm not sure that would work, as your dh is encouraging your ds to be horrible to you and your ds is copying his behaviour.

Could you talk to your dh first? Tell him how you feel and how upset you are with ds? But he sounds pretty horrible so I'm not sure if he'd be supportive, sadly.

Have you thought about accessing counselling for you, to help you be more assertive?

And of course your 14yo ds should be doing chores!! He's more than capable.

This arsehole you're married to, I presume he is perfect? Or do you just not harangue him the way he does to you? I hate LTB being thrown about but honestly he is always going to be a knob and he's also teaching your DS to abuse you. That will be one hell of a lonely life. You'll always be in the wrong with both of them no matter how careful you are. There's no hope for your DH. Get yourself and DS away from him.

What a horrible situation. Your son has identified his dad as the powerful one in the relationship and is aligning himself with him. They both sound really cruel, tbh.

Your mum's no better. She couldn't bring herself to back you up, could she?

I'd be making plans and the moment my son was 18, if things remained the same, I'd be off.

YANBU OP, you shouldn’t have to filter yourself or police your own behaviour in front of your family to the extent that you are, I can see why doing so must be really upsetting, you aren’t able to be your genuine self in your own home.

It does sound as though you need to start being more assertive with those in your family who are so dominating of you, and particularly with your son. The way that you let him treat you now could determine your relationship for years to come. It doesn’t help that your husband and mother are undermining you in front of him when you try to be assertive, I’d be having strong words with them both about that point in particular for starters.

@Checkingout811

Your DH is a dick, verging on a bully. But yes, you should've told your friend about the white dress. I would’ve also said to my BIL jokily please don’t bore me with golf facts.

From reading the update, it really sounds like the OP is damned if she does (say stuff) and damned if she doesn’t, so I don’t think it would have made a better outcome if she had said what she was thinking. I think the family dynamic is just to snipe and criticise her - or at least that’s how she feels.

The obvious answer to "you've made your point" is "I don't think I have. We're not having an argument. I'm waiting for the fridge door to be shut," etc.

It's just a different way of saying "don't nag", which is something lazy people say to make it easier for you to do the thing because it avoid the humiliating power struggle.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? I fear you will find your husband in there and then you will also be aware of the script your son is following.

You are not weak op, but beaten down. Your H is an arsehole and your ds one in the making due to your h being a shit role model...

Wow, your husband is an undermining little prick isn't he? And your son is copying him.

You're not rude. You shouldn't accept this behaviour. How dare they.

Stop asking your husband’s opinion on things.

Your son and husband are being very rude and you’re not at all over sensitive.

Speak about what like and if they shut you down say ok you’ve made your point now guys but I will speak when I want, I’m not a handmaid.

Wow you're dh sounds awful and your son is turning into him! As hard as it is, you need to start standing up for yourself and tell them you are not accepting being spoken to like that, they should learn some respect.

your dh is using your insecurity as a stick to beat you with

Indeed. And your son is copying him.

You really need to learn to stand up for yourself and gain self-worth. But you can't do this on your own! I would suggest:-

Read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Do the Freedom Programme
See a counsellor - on your own, not with your abusive husband.

Lastly, you may end up having to leave him. People rarely change and just being more assertive is unlikely to help bring about a more equal and fulfilling partnership.

What you absolutely must NOT do is continue to walk on eggshells and second-guess yourself.

Do you want your son to treat his future wife the way you are treated, because that will happen if you don’t change his behaviour.

Thank you for all of your wonderfully helpful comments.
I came back from my walk yesterday to find both DS and DH had gone upstairs, so I have had a peaceful evening cleaning the kitchen and reading this thread which gave me plenty of food for thought.
This morning, I got DS up for school and his morning greeting to me was to tell me the house smells of shit because of the curry I cooked for dinner last night.
I would usually shrink away from any argument by not responding, but instead, strengthened by all of your words, I immediately told him that was rude and a simple good morning would have been better.
He replied that he was only saying what he thought, (oh the irony!) to which I replied that it is wonderful that he feels he can say what he thinks, but perhaps he ought to think before he says something rude to me.
He looked at me quizzically but said no more.
I feel it is an improvement for me to actually speak up instead of remaining silent in order to avoid an argument.
I know I have a long long way to go and bad habits cannot be changed overnight, but it is a start and I thank you all for your advice which is giving me the strength and the clarity to realise that I dont deserve to be treated or spoken to with such contempt.
DH left for work before I got up, we haven't spoken since yesterday. Usually, I would be messaging him to check in with him, as I usually do and he expects me to, but for some reason, I have no desire to check in with him. It all feels like an effort this morning.

Your DH is a dick and your DS is mimicking his behaviour. He’s overly critical of very normal things, it’s definitely normal to complain about people behind their back and I’d argue we all do it.

Judith0000 well done. Small beginnings. Further response to your DS could be that you are only saying what you think too, and if he doesn't like it maybe he has a problem? Or some such. You sound a bit stronger. I really feel for you. Keep at it - we're here, we'll cheer you on. Have a lovely day now - do something nice for you. You really deserve it.

To answer a couple of questions,
No, of course I dont want DS to treat anyone the way he treats me, whether that be future partners or anyone else he may come across.
DH didnt have much involvement with his own father growing up.