She should have had my back? Aibu?

[sunnyblueskys]

I had been good friends with a woman for 10 years,holiday together etc etc
When it was just me and her we got on great but when any of her other friends were out she would talk down to me and try and make me look stupid.
The last year she started being nasty to me,putting me down,commenting on my outfits and she seemed to hate me(I don't understand )
Anyway I'm bisexual and one of her friends is a lesbian.
We started chatting and started to like each other.
Anyway we got close and I think she felt jealous or threatened or whatever.

She did some awful things to me,told some horrible lies about me and put me through hell.
(I've posted before so if your annoyed at me posting again don't be nasty please ,I'm feeling upset enough )
She turned this girl against me who I was sleeping with.
She believed all her lies about me.
My friend of 10 years caused a massive scene to fall out with me as she couldn't stand me having anything to do with this girl.

After a year of seeing each other she cut me off but remained friends with my ex friend.
She knew all the nasty things she did,she knew she had it in for me,she knew she hated us being together and was sabotaging yet still remains friends.

The girl I was sleeping with hasn't got many friends now just my ex friend and two other girls.
So she was never going to have my back was she?
Why didn't she have my back?
Why was I discarded yet still pally pally with this horrible person who was out to destroy me?

Sad fact is that for some people, they cast friend in the role of she who makes me feel better about myself.
She placed you one rung beneath her, and with her other friends felt embarrassed that yr lower status was reflecting on her badly, so to disassociate from that, she ran you down in front of them to underline her belief she is superior to you. She is friends with you because you make her feel better about herself.

But shocker. For her, her other friends didnt see you through her lens. They saw you through their own lens. That confuses her? It is almost as though she is not superior to you???? You are not making her feel better about herself anymore.

Why didn't the girl I was seeing not have my back?
Why did she turn against me?
Surely she must have thought it was strange after our mutual friend being friends for 10 years certainly starts painting me as a bad person.

She didn't want us together.

And your X , she chose to stay in a tribe :-/
That hurts.
She didnt take a stand as by the sounds of it, who could stand up to your original friend?

I think she was weak. She chose not to take a stand.

I bet that hurts like billyo but you said she has few friends.

She doesnt feel brave enough to take a stand and lose the ones she has, especially if it's a group.

If she took a stand, this doninant alpha gorilla would kick her out of the group.

I think that's what she chose over you.

I remember your previous thread but I’m sure you said then that you had only seen your ex-friend’s friend for a couple of dates, rather than sleeping together for a year?

It makes a difference which is true, because the advice in your last thread was that it was understandable that she didn’t want to get too involved because it was so much drama for the sake of a very short / new relationship. Whereas if this thread is true and you were actually sleeping together for a year, you might have reasonably expected her to have a bit more loyalty.

I don’t know which version of events is true, but I do think that whichever it is you need to try and put this all behind you for your own sake. It sounds like you’ve had a very tough time, and your ex-friend has treated you badly, but sometimes injustices happen and you don’t get any obvious ‘closure’. You just have to accept that life isn’t fair sometimes and do what you can to move on.

You were friends with this woman even though you knew she was unkind. I think the real question is why are you holding someone else to higher standards than you have for yourself?

Also, think about it, the dominant original friend sounded like the leader. You and your x together had power in the group, the dominant original friend felt threatened by that and launched a smear campaign.

I bet your x knows perfectly well that it was a smear campaign but she also knew she had to stick with you and go down in flames, both of you kicked out of the group, or back down back down and accept the alpha gorilla's narcissist.

Membership of a group lead by a queen bee is not a safe place.

A science based way to get over exclusion from a group or a smear campaign is to establish what your values are. What would you stand up for?

Be better than them.

We hadn't slept together for the full year but had kept in contact for a year.
Every time my "friend" fell out with me she discarded me.
It was like she was scared to loose a friend but didn't care what this girl was doing to me.
She said she was sick of the drama ..but chose to stick with the one causing it.

There are many reasons. Being told two different sides to a story - which one do you believe/trust? If there is animosity from both sides you may not want to be involved with it and would probably choose the easiest relationship. Also assuming they were friends longer that may have had an impact on whose side to believe. Secondly the expectation that she would have your back in such a situation means not only would she have a lot to lose (all her friends?) but that amount of expectation and pressure in a new romantic relationship can be too much. I remember your previous post and feel bad for you and that you are in pain over this but I didn’t feel the gf had done anything wrong.

Challenging the alpha gorilla's narrative would have got her nowhere except ejected from the group.

She chose her leader.

You believed things that your ex friend said I assume, until they were about you.

Unless she has had a personality transplant, she's always been someone capable of telling lies and causing trouble - but you were still her friend.

If this girl has known you for a year, and taken your ex friend's side, then maybe she sees some truth in what your ex friend has said. I don't know you, so I'm not trying to be unkind, but this is I think your third thread on the matter, so maybe your gf found some aspects of your behaviour unpalatable.

Either way, she's allowed to break up with you and that's the end of it really isn't it.

I haven't read any of your other threads. You're still in pain. You were betrayed and you're trying to make sense of it. This is not familiar to me, so don't worry about posting a few times. Hopefully each thread gets a slightly different audience. There might be overlap! But nobody has to respond.

This girl I was seeing has mental health issues herself so I'm not sure if that clouds her judgement.
The girl I was kind of seeing would purposely make me jealous ..then if I said anything she would say I needed to calm down.
It was all a messy situation.
All I know is my ex friend turned her against me 100%
I can't say some of the things she did as it's too outing but she involved the police with her lies.
Thankfully I proved they were lies but the girl I was seeing believed her and backed away from me.

@fourminutestosavetheworld the girl I was seeing her ex used to hit her and my friend told her I was controlling and jealous ..so she said to me I've had this from my ex and I won't take a chance that your the same.

Then she would purposefully make me jealous and if I reacted ..she would say so our friend is right.

It's been a mess

People can be in therapy for years so I don't understand the mumsnet narrative that is irritation a poster has posted about an issue previously. Does anybody on here think "after this poster has read my advice, they should be all good and not post about this again, cos it's a bit boring for me . I want fresh problems, fresh threads".

It can take a long time to properly get over something very painful, so posting three threads is not "unpalatable behaviour"

Also my friend is a extremely good liar.
So I'm not surprised
One situation was

We were all out and my friend said "she was with another woman last night,she's making a fool of you,go and have it out with her"

I walked over to the girl I was seeing and said "were you with someone last night"

My friend came storming over saying "oh my god she's gone psycho again,I told you she was nuts ,our friendship is over"

She caused that scene to make me react and she told me to go over to her ..then when I did she followed me over and made me look unstable

Every time my "friend" fell out with me she discarded me.

Yet you'd make up again, even though you knew she had treated you like this?

The girl I was kind of seeing would purposely make me jealous ..then if I said anything she would say I needed to calm down.
It was all a messy situation.

Yet you kept seeing her?

I'm not criticising you - we all do stuff like this - just pointing out that we don't always make rational or fair decisions in emotional Situations. We don't always act in our own best interests, let alone anyone else's. It sounds like this is stopping you from moving on, but honestly I don't think you'll ever find peace by getting angry at her for doing what we all do.

@sunnyblueskys I would take a deep breath, do yoga, do meditations to accept what has happened. Be kind to yourself. This was a very challenging situation. Very painful.

But they werent friends worth having. Alpha gorilla saw you as a threat and ejected you from her group, and your x, well, she chose what she needs right now, maybe she needs a place in a friendship group more than she needs a relationship right now.

Look up hypnosis sessions to fall asleep to, acceptance, kindness to yourself. It was a challenging situation and you've got this far. Next time you feel pain, try and do some yoga for the deep breathing. It helps. The slow exhale really helps.

Also, change your focus now. Forcibly put them out of your head and think about who you are. Are you a person who will compromise your principles for a place in a group? Yes or no. I dont mean that unkindly but think about who you are and what values you want to uphold in a group setting.

I didnt have the complication of a relationship within the group but i have and still have the experience of a relative (!!!) who is an alpha gorilla and she has done her absolute level best to eject me from a group i have a right to be in. It was very, very painful. But i understand now, she wants me to feel as bad as she feels, and i want others to feel it is safe to be who they are.

You will learn from this xx

@DysmalRadius I was a fool to make up with this friend really but we had a trip booked the 4 of us so she only made up with me because of that.
As soon as the trip was over she caused the whole scene to make me look nuts to fall out with me again.

My ex should have said I don't care I'm still seeing her but she didn't ..she picked her and turned on me.
It is just really painful

@C0nstance I try really hard to distract myself.
When I see the ex on Facebook and she's tagging this ex friend of mine in posts after she basically sabotaged me and her getting together it hurts.

It hurts that my ex doesn't care I was treated like crap.
She's just moved on in her friendship group like I didn't happen.

It's really hard when you get in to a loop where you are obsessed with these people but block them. It's hard at first but cant define your worth if you are stuck obsessing about how they betrayed you.
Block them and focus on who you are.

I think your ex gf has decided she wants to be friends with your ex friend more than she wants to be your gf. She sounds very damaged.

It is extremely hurtful when people spread lies and turn others against you and I understand it will take time to repair your pain and hurt. Get some therapy if you can afford it.

Remember that every time you focus on your ex friend and your ex gf, you are turning your focus away from those, who you haven’t yet met and friends, who treat you well. These people still have power over you still and that power is abusing you all over again. To heal, it is important to shake this power, which is why I suggested some therapy.

Above all be kind to yourself. Find ways to love yourself.

Block them all on fb. You’re self sabotaging.

Yes, tell yourself enough now, i am moving away from these reminders. Block them and block anybody who reminds you of them.