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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She should have had my back? Aibu?

88 replies

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 10:44

I had been good friends with a woman for 10 years,holiday together etc etc
When it was just me and her we got on great but when any of her other friends were out she would talk down to me and try and make me look stupid.
The last year she started being nasty to me,putting me down,commenting on my outfits and she seemed to hate me(I don't understand )
Anyway I'm bisexual and one of her friends is a lesbian.
We started chatting and started to like each other.
Anyway we got close and I think she felt jealous or threatened or whatever.

She did some awful things to me,told some horrible lies about me and put me through hell.
(I've posted before so if your annoyed at me posting again don't be nasty please ,I'm feeling upset enough )
She turned this girl against me who I was sleeping with.
She believed all her lies about me.
My friend of 10 years caused a massive scene to fall out with me as she couldn't stand me having anything to do with this girl.

After a year of seeing each other she cut me off but remained friends with my ex friend.
She knew all the nasty things she did,she knew she had it in for me,she knew she hated us being together and was sabotaging yet still remains friends.

The girl I was sleeping with hasn't got many friends now just my ex friend and two other girls.
So she was never going to have my back was she?
Why didn't she have my back?
Why was I discarded yet still pally pally with this horrible person who was out to destroy me?

OP posts:

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 11:46

Do you think my ex will ever see this friends true colours ?
Or maybe she does already but isn't bothered as she isn't the one who is being treated awful ?

OP posts:

AliasGrape · 06/06/2021 11:54

Sometimes people are just unpleasant unkind people, you could spend the rest of your days trying to figure it out but ultimately that's what it boils down to. Ex friend is not a nice person and not a good friend to.you.

Ex you were seeing clearly didn't think enough of you or have enough interest in a relationship with you to go against her friend. Maybe she believed her, maybe she just wanted out of the relationship, maybe she had other reasons but ultimately she didn't want to be with you and she's entitled to make that choice. She could equally argue why did you believe ex friend when she said she was with someone else, why did you choose to bring it up in a group situation etc?

The whole situation sounds like a toxic shit show that you're best off out of. Instead of focusing on why your friend/ ex did this that and the other maybe try to think about why you went along with it, why you wanted anything to do with either of you when they didn't treat you very nicely and why you're allowing it to still affect you so much - that's not in a blamey way - theyve obviously hurt you very much and that's on them. BUT you can't unpick it all and 'closure' is a bit of a made up concept I think - it's not like you're going to get any answers that suddenly make it all ok and take away the hurt, you're not going to suddenly understand exactly why they made the choices they did. Much better to focus on how you can build a better group of friends and healthier relationships going forward, how you can strengthen your boundaries and build up your self esteem so that you spot red flags in friendships and relationships.and walk away before it has chance to bring you so low.

It might be worth looking into some form of counselling or therapy (CBT) to help break the cycle of obsessing over these people who I promise you are not trying themselves in knots over you in return.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2021 11:57

@sunnyblueskys

Do you think my ex will ever see this friends true colours ? Or maybe she does already but isn't bothered as she isn't the one who is being treated awful ?

We cannot answer that. It is hard to sit with something that feels very uncomfortable - the not knowing I mean.

You need to find a way to change the focus from one of questioning their motives and their future and put it squarely back on you and your future. Otherwise you’ll rip yourself to threads.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 06/06/2021 11:58

"Thankfully I proved they were lies but the girl I was seeing believed her and backed away from me."

Or maybe she just saw things in you that she didn't like, for herself, regardless of what ex friend was saying?

Maybe she just didn't want to be with you, for any number of reasons.

I am not mentioning that you have posted three times before about this because it is boring to read btw, but because I think that that fact, plus some of the things you have posted on those various threads, do suggest - to me, a random outsider looking in anyway - that you may be a little obsessive and intense.

FWIW I would block both of them on sm and move on.

DysmalRadius · 06/06/2021 11:59

You stayed friends with someone who was treating you badly,and believed her when she accused your girlfriend of cheating etc.

But you're angry that your girlfriend has done exactly the same as you did - stayed friends with her and believed her lies.

BlueDucky · 06/06/2021 12:00

I think it might help if you stop looking at their social media.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 12:02

@fourminutestosavetheworld the ex spent months messing me around.
So maybe I am obsessively thinking about it.
Picking me up,throwing me to one side ,telling me about other women whilst telling me not to be jealous.
Picking me back up again then throwing me down again.
It was mentally draining
Every day she would send me screenshots of different women and tell me how they wanted her.
It made me feel shit
Then Throw my so called friend in the mix ...

OP posts:

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 12:03

@DysmalRadius the only reason was because my ex spent months telling me about other women.
Then I thought she had knocked all the other girls on the head then my friend told me that and it upset me (plus I was drunk )

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 06/06/2021 12:11

You need to keep away from all of them. Stop befriending them.

DysmalRadius · 06/06/2021 12:19

That's what I mean - you have your reasons that you think are justified and she has hers that I'm sure she thinks are reasonable. But none of them actually matter - you all appear to make each other miserable and it doesn't really matter whose reasons for that are better. I don't think you can be happy as long as you are holding into this and waiting for an answer or a verdict on who was right - you might have to just let it go.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 12:29

All I know is my so called friend sabotaged any chance of me and ex working out.
She knew as soon as she told her I was like her abusive ex she would run away.
She knew what to say to her and it worked

OP posts:

user1471457751 · 06/06/2021 12:30

From your previous threads you barely dated this woman. It seemed very casual, on-off. Is it really that surprising then given this and her history with a different relationship she would believe a good friend who warned her you were controlling and possessive. The fact you've been going over this for months now suggests the friend had a point

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 12:32

@user1471457751 she didn't just do that.
She did so much worse and that's what I can't get over.
I can't write on here what she accused me of but it's really affected me.
I know I'm struggling to get over it but I trusted this ex and she's massively went out of her way to hurt me.

OP posts:

Jayceewhy · 06/06/2021 12:40

OP I remember all your various other points.

You need to stop utterly obsessing about both your ex-shag and ex pal.

She just wasn’t that into you I’m afraid. That’s it nothing more complex or that warrants your obsession.

I know it’s the worst feeling in the world and easier said than done but for your own health you need to move on this isn’t healthy.

AintPageantMaterial · 06/06/2021 12:42

You feel let down. You are always going to feel that you were let down by these people. You have to decide how to move forward now.
They don’t sound like very nice people and there is no value or purpose in continually asking yourself, or other people, “why” they behaved as they did or what they “should” have done.
It sounds as though you could benefit from some counselling to help you break this cycle of thinking because phrases like that’s what I can’t get over suggest that the problem you have now is rooted in your own thought patterns.
Some people you used to like and trust treated you badly and now it’s over. You had no control over their behaviour then or now. All the helpful questions now are questions about you, not about them.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 12:46

@Jayceewhy I know I sound obsessive but she messed with my head.
I know I was at fault
I knew from the start she loved sleeping around and I knew that she didn't want to change.
I thought things would change.
She also did talk about being totally official then backed away after my friend spread her poison

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 06/06/2021 13:12

Why didn't the girl I was seeing not have my back?

Because some people want an easy life and will not stand up for their 'supposed' friends. They just coast along and try and pretend it is everyone else's problem. You soon find out when in a sticky spot who you friends actually are.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 14:08

I need to somehow let all the hurt go.
If she text me now apologising and asking to meet up I would.
After all the hurt and everything

OP posts:

fourminutestosavetheworld · 06/06/2021 15:42

@sunnyblueskys

Do you think my ex will ever see this friends true colours ? Or maybe she does already but isn't bothered as she isn't the one who is being treated awful ?

Maybe your ex is the same.

She told you she hated her ex's jealousy but then sent you things to make you jealous.

Or maybe you are blaming other people for behaving jealously, since we are all of us in control of our own actions.

I know that a man behaving jealously towards a woman would never be able to get away with saying 'she made me do it.'

None of us know, that's for sure, but it's definitely time to move on.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 15:49

@fourminutestosavetheworld when they send you pics with other women or texts from other women talking about sleeping with them ...i think it would take a lot not to get jealous.

I think she makes girls jealous as a way of feeling validated about herself
The more jealous we get ..the more special she feels .

OP posts:

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 15:50

Sad thing is I want to sit down and just chat to her and find out why she didn't have my back.
Let her see the type of person I am,without all this toxic crap from so called friend.

OP posts:

SengaMac · 06/06/2021 15:55

None of these people are your friends and it's pointless trying to make sense of how they acted.
You need to block them, everywhere, and move on.

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 17:15

I think because we were dating /sleeping together I felt she should have had my back.
She didn't ...instead continued to be pally pally with my so called friend who has a smear campaign against me.

I wish I could stop this sadness about it all

OP posts:

steff13 · 06/06/2021 17:32

I think the real question you need to be asking yourself is not why didn't she have your back but why did you allow her to treat you this way?

Original poster

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 17:55

I had feelings for her.
She knew this.
She played me I think.
I tried explaining how I didn't enjoy seeing pics of who she was sleeping with but it didn't stop her
Then when eventually me and her were properly getting together my toxic friend upped her games and that was that.

OP posts:

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